Please join us here if you have lost a parent and need support (3)

[mummylin2495]

Well here we are again on a brand new thread,hopefully we can all move on a bit to a more accepting phase in our lives.

I have been directed to this thread after my Mum died very suddenly on Wednesday whilst on holiday in Greece with my Dad.

She was just 63 and I don't know what I am going to do without her :(

friendofdorothy first of all I send you my condolences. What a terrible shock for you. I know how you are feeling, complete and utter disbelief and shock along with the most terrible heartache. My mums death was also very sudden and unexpected.you have the added heartache that she was in a strange country and you weren't with her. Any help we can give you , you will be more than welcome. I am just off out so I will write to you again later.

FriendofDorothy I'm so very sorry to read that- what an awful, unbelievable shock. You must be reeling. Is your dad still in Greece? I really feel for him. Am holding your hand from afar; grief is hideous but we get through it because we have no choice. We are with you. x

Ah friendofdorothy I'm so sorry to hear your news! We are here to support you...it's such a shock for you, I hope your dad is in the uk/ on way home

snoozysleeper and friendofdorothy, I'm so sorry to read both of your sad news, its really awful for both of you and I hope you both feel some comfort from this thread, it really is a lifeline when all around you feels like another planet.

well girls I can officially say I've had an utterly shit weekend. Its a bank holiday weekend where I live and both the dc's and dh have been off. I cant describe it but dh has been awful, gloomy and moody. Its as if he doesn't know what to do with himself if he's not at work. Its awful. We had a babysitter for last night. Now for us this is a one off, we haven't been out together for a whole year (that's not a typo!!). We have no family around to help and don't earn enough to pay for sitters, but we had one for last night. I was so excited and looking forward to getting out! To cut a long story short, I got the shopping in then came home yesterday to a dh in a bad mood, gloomy, moaning at everything, really unbearable, moaning at ds1. It put me in a total downer,, there was nothing in for supper so he went out and bought a load of ingredients for himself, then cooked it and said oh are you hungry. I thought we might have been going out for a cheap dinner....I just didn't want to go but the sitter arrived so out we went. I couldn't bear him by this stage, I just walked around I didn't want to sit anywhere with him. It was an awful night. It was the worst night out of my life. And I waited a year for it and probably wont get another one for another year. And do you know what made it worse, I had no one to ask to come out with me instead, I'd have happily left him and went out with a pal. And of course with no mum I had no other house to go to. I cant speak to him, I just don't want him here just now. And I've nowhere to go to get away from him.

Its all just shite just now, have spent the weekend crying, its all just shite.

Oh dear ssd I agree with you , you have had a shite weekend. What is it with some of these bloody dh,s . Some of them can't see further than their nose. I can imagine your upset after waiting so long to be able to go out . Was your dh just going to cook for himself ? After the awful year you have had this is just what you didnt need. What is your dh like for having a decent conversation with ? Is he the type you can sit him down and explain how hurt you were last night and how awful you have felt for the last year ? Don't bottle things up, just try and tell him how he has made you feel. You know we are always here to listen xx

thanks mummylin, we did talk about it a bit but tbh he hasn't a clue how I feel, hes not an emotional person and now I'm not talking to him he'll just wait until I start to talk again, he'll just ignore it until then. I cant bear to look at him just now.

and to be honest I think if I talked about how awful I've felt the last year I'd breakdown. I haven't talked to anyone, that's why I need cruse to call me, the only place I spill my guts is here.

friendofdorothy you will find the next few weeks a complete mixture of sorrow,but even now you will have a little smile at something you and your mum have done together. I myself felt a real physical pain when I lost my mum. My heart literally hurt . After nearly two years that has now gone , but not the deep grief at losing mum. I found the first few weeks went by in a haze , I went about and di what I had to do as I was one of the executors, but if you asked me now what I had to do , I can't remember half of it or what order it was in. Nothing else in my life mattered as much as my utter sadness. You may find that some of your friends or relations ignore how you are grieving and expect you to be normal in a couple of weeks. This is of course impossible. You will learn who your true friends are at this time.i hope you and your dad will be a great support for each other. We on this thread are here anytime you want for whatever reason .
t875 it's not until the end of the month . It's 30th oct for mum and 2nd November for my sister. I have been to crem today and put fresh flowers, I was amazed that the busy puzzles are still blooming well. By the time I had done the flowers I have to say it looked very pretty. Ps had lots of beans !

I'm sorry that you can't talk to him ssd but I do understand. I'm annoyed with my dh today as well, but not to the same extent that you are. But does he actually realise how sad you have been, does he know how you have felt , having to clear the house all,by yourself, no input from your siblings ? You know we are all here for each other x

My sister flew out to Greece on Thursday, we live in Guernsey so she had to fly to the UK first.

It has been quite hard in some ways as we have a bit family so with my Dad and sister away I have become the focus for everything going on. I appreciate it but it is a little overwhelming too.

We have no idea yet how long it is going to take for Mum's body to be repatriated. The not knowing is awful

he knows mummylin but it all passes him by

Yes I am sure it is overwhelming for you. I hope you don't have to wait too long before you get your mum back. When is your dad intending to fly home, he will be glad to have your sister with him. He must be in a state of shock as well. Had your mum been ill at all ? You must take care of yourself or you will end up ill yourself. Do you have a dh or partner to help you through this ? Feel free to vent or ask anything at anytime.
Ps Your user name made me smile because I do have a friend called dorothy !

I wish we all lived nearer ssd then I would give you a big hug and dry your tears for you.anytime you want to pm feel free x

Oh ssd, I'm shocked at how your DH has been behaving. Why on earth did he not offer to cook for you when he was cooking for himself? I just can't understand that at all. So sad for you that a much-needed night out wasn't what it could have been. Maybe your DH needs to hear how awful you've been feeling. If you breakdown it will be painful but maybe you need that release. I really hope you get some contact from Cruse. Did you contact them via your GP or directly?

FriendofDorothy It must be awful to have to wait for your mum's body; I'm so sorry you have to go through that, and I imagine it must be very hard being so far away from your dad when I'm sure you just want to give him a huge hug :(
It's good that you have a big family but being the focus of everyone's attentions must be wearing. I found that loads of people said 'If there's anything we can do, you know where we are'. It's really well-meant, and genuine I'm sure, but I have often found it impossible to actually make use of that in any tangible way. What has been much more useful has been the people who say: 'Would you like me to pick up your kids from school today/do some shopping for you/cook you dinner one night?' etc.
ie a real, practical offer of help.

Well done for your green-fingered efforts mummylin, sounds like you had it looking really pretty :)

News from me is that my mum is not doing so well at the moment. She is not able to eat at all at the moment, and is sleeping a lot. We are going to speak to the Macmillan nurse again tomorrow and it sounds like they're going to offer her a short stay in the hospice. That will be good because they can give her some good vitamins intravenously and build her up a bit...but as my brother said, there is the very real fear that once she goes into the hospice, she may never come out again.

I hated leaving her this evening, it seemed so very wrong to be leaving her alone so frail and vulnerable. But I can't stay over there tonight because I have to get the kids to school in the morning (OH leaves early for work) and mum's house is too far away from our town for me to be able to do the school run from there. It would all be ok if Dad was still here. He looked after her so well. I miss him so, so much. :(

Hi waterlego how are you doing and how is your mum ?

Oh we crossed posts. Sorry to hear that your mum isn't doing so well, but as you say maybe they can build her up a bit and make her more comfortable. Lets hope so. Is the hospice local to you ?

Thanks mummylin. The hospice is nearer where mum lives- about 45 min drive from here. It's the same place where Dad was in his final few weeks, and where he died. Perhaps that's partly why I feel a bit weird about her going there. But you're right- we have to try to be positive and hope that this will be the right thing for her. The hospice is a lovely place, with such a peaceful and cheerful atmosphere, and the staff are just fantastic so I know they'll do their best to make her comfortable. Once she's feeling a bit more stable, she could hopefully go home, as long as we've got enough care in place for her. Maybe Marie Curie nurses will be the next step...but I'm looking too far ahead again! One day at a time :)

Today, mum gave my DD a beautiful sewing basket for her birthday. Mum is very artistic and very good at embroidery and making collages. I have totally missed the artistic gene, but DD has inherited it. She was delighted with the sewing things and she and her 'Mor Mor' (which has always been her name for her Grandma) sat together and did some cross stitch. It was lovely to see.

Yes I expect the hospice is giving you thoughts of your dad. Understandable I think as it's so recent. Yes I too think a hospice is full of lovely warmth and strangely happiness too . My friends son was in a hospice so I have the seen the work they do first hand. As you said, take one day at a time and look after yourself

Thank you mummylin, you're a very special person.

She hadn't been ill at all which is the real shock. She died of a heat attack and pulmonary oedema. Apparently Dad tried to give her CPR for about 20 minutes. My Dad and sister are home tomorrow.

My lovely husband has been an amazing support, and having a nine month old son is an amazing distraction. I am just devastated that Mum isn't here to see his first birthday :(

You must take some comfort that your mum did get to meet her little grandson. I am sure the last nine months have been very very happy ones for her because of him. I am glad that your dad and sister are home tomorrow, it will be better for your dad to be in his familiar surroundings and know that his family are close. This will be a trying time for you all , but together you can get through it, I am glad your dh is supportive and that you have your little boy to help with the healing process.
waterlego thankyou but I'm not always nice as my dh will testify !!

I second everything that mummylin said above!

waterlego, you're going through so much just now, I can only give you advise I find I never take - look after yourself as well as you can, you are holding it all together and that's so hard. But what a lovely thing to see, your mum and your dd doing cross stitch together. That's what its all about, isn't it. Do you have a video recorder to record this? It would be invaluable later. Thanks for asking about cruse, I phoned them directly myself. My gp just gave me a leaflet about bereavement and looked at me a bit oddly when I asked. I never followed the leaflet up, it was too general. I'm a bit worried about cruse, they told me it could be a 3 month wait to hear from then, after 2 months I called them and asked if it would be anytime soon, but they took ages to find my details and sounded very vague...they said they found them eventually and I'd just have to wait until I heard from them, but the 3 months are nearly up now...they are almost impossible to get hold off, they seem to be closed or go straight to answerphone straight away, I know its voluntary so I cant complain, I also know they must be so many people out there more desperate than me so I'll just need to be patient. I think the area they cover is huge....maybe in another area I'd be seen more quickly, I don't know. I think they do sound excellent, t875 has seen them and they really helped her and her dad, if you want to contact them just Google cruse and click on your area to get the phone number. But be persistent, I've phoned them loads and they never return calls, you have to be lucky and catch them in!

friendofdorothy, sending you strength to deal with the days ahead, just hug your little baby close to you, my dad died when ds1 was 7 months and he kept us going, mainly because babies give you no choice!

hugs and thoughts to t875, badvoc, snoozy, supermario, vlad, biscuits, everyone here and of course our honorary mummy mummylin xxx

sorry, missed marshy out there, I know you're busy marshy dealing with hard hard stuff but we're still here anytime you need a chat/rant/cry xxx