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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Support thread for anyone who is grieving for a parent (2)

972 replies

mummylin2495 · 02/05/2013 10:46

Welcome to our new home everyone. This should be where we all start to move on a little bit. Together we will cope.

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SuperMariosSister · 28/07/2013 12:18

glad that your mum is being treated well and looked after. how old are your children badvoc? I made sure i told ds myself as i didnt want anyone else too but he was only 5 at the time.

Original poster
mummylin2495 · 28/07/2013 12:23

I don't know what you would say to children I have never been in that position. I suppose you tell them in simple terms, none of the medical details. They don't need to know that, but how you do it I have no clue. So glad to see that your mum is doing ok. That's a relief for you at least. How lives can change in such a short time. Your family has had the most horrible 24 hrs possible I would think. Did you manage to get some sleep last night ?

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Badvoc · 28/07/2013 12:32

No I didn't sadly. A car over the road has a dodgy alarm and it was going off pretty constantly.
My sons are 10 and 4.

SuperMariosSister · 28/07/2013 12:38

when i told ds i went up to his room shortly after he woke up before he came down so we could be away from everything. I told him that i had some sad news and that it was okay for us to cry and feel angry. That he knew his nanna had been poorly for a long time and that she had died the night before. I didnt tell him any details other than that as he knew that she was poorly and it was enough. I didnt think that he would understand or react but he really sobbed so be prepared for a different reaction to what you are expecting. he cried for a good while and i carried him downstairs we just spent a quiet morning between us alternating between talking about nice memories and crying. i have to admit to being totally shocked that he understood the gravity of the situation but then he had seen her at some very low points.

Original poster
mummylin2495 · 28/07/2013 13:17

The eldest will understand I'm sure , the youngest wont so you may have to break the news differently. Good luck.

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bluestar2 · 28/07/2013 20:04

Badvoc I am so sorry for you and your family. I hope your Mum is improving and glad they can treat it medically. Your head must be completely spinning right now and of course you will be supporting your Mum through her loss but dont forget to look after yourself. Its so easy to go on autopilot.

My ds was 3 1/2 when my Mum died. She had cancer and he had seen her through every stage of treatment. He didnt understand she was poorly and never passed comment on her hair loss of scarfs. We old him Nanny had been very poorly and sometimes our bodys cant get better and Nannys couldnt. We told him she had died and had gone to heaven and is way up high in the sky always watching and looking after him. That did confuse him a little because he kept looking for her in the sky saying I cant see her but did get the idea she could see him but not him her. We told him it was ok to miss her and get upset or cry. Beyond that we didnt tell him anything else. He still talks about his Nanny and will sometimes draw a picture for her and I try to talk to him about her as much as I can in a positive way and he was a real Nannys boy. You know your childrens comprehension best and what explanation they will understand so trust your instincts.

Mummylin thank you again for your advice. I think I will stick with this forum rather than counselling at this stage. Although I am sad when I am writing I hope that by facing it rather than stuffing it away it will get easier. I can totally relate to you just wanting to be alone on New Years Eve. So much changes and is never the same again. Its so daunting.

Badvoc · 28/07/2013 20:45

Thank you.
My youngest didn't really take it in as expected but my eldest was very very upset. Cried a lot.
I think he will be in bed with me tonight.
I don't think my youngest will remember dad, and that breaks my heart.

Original poster
mummylin2495 · 28/07/2013 20:53

Yes it is dauntingbluestar but we have no option but to carry on even when our hearts are broken. But it s so difficult sometimes, its hard to do some things when we don't remotely feel like it, exchange pleasantries with people when all we want to is to be left alone.We can all put a front on, but for people who have lost someone very close, inside our hearts are broken. But with a lot of understanding and a helping hand eventually we will all get on with our lives, although we can never forget. What I would like go know is when ! I am 20 months on and still everything revolves around my mum. Her flowers are growing in my garden, my friend is using my mums wool to make cardigans for a children's hospice shop and all the time I'm thinking " this would please mum" I was very upset when my younger sister died at 26 but this, it's so much worse than I ever imagined.

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Original poster
mummylin2495 · 28/07/2013 20:56

You can keep your dad alive in your sons memory by showing him photos and talking of him often. Telling your ds what his grandad liked to do, what job he did , what funny things happened. I am sure you have had an awful day but not long till your sister will arrive and that will help. How is your mum doing ?

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Badvoc · 28/07/2013 21:29

Mum seems ok (as ok as she can be)
They are very strict on coronary care and won't let us stay with her :(
My pils were here earlier. And my cousin and aunt. It's so strange. I can't talk about him in the past tense.
We have been sharing funny stories which was lovely.
He was such a wonderful man. He has left a hole that can never be filled.

Original poster
mummylin2495 · 28/07/2013 22:06

I understand that feeling. But crikey it's only a little over a day, you are probably still in shock and besides that there. Is such sadness too. I could not believe it for weeks, even though I knew it had happened. It was such a strange time, and I think the worst in my life. Look after yourself as well as your children and dh. Glad your mum is doing ok.

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Original poster
mummylin2495 · 29/07/2013 00:33

badvoc I hope your sister has arrived safely. Thinking about you all at this very sad time. Hope there is more improvement from your mum tomorrow ( oh I mean today as its gone midnight )

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Badvoc · 29/07/2013 01:02

Hi mummylin.
Just spoken to my sister...she is devastated. But she is home, thank god.
I will see her later in today. She is going to see mum in the morning at the hospital.
Thank you for your kind words....I am lost.

mrsdinklage · 29/07/2013 01:12

Badvoc - I'm so sorry, this is so sad. Flowers
Just to let you know my dd was very young when my df died - and she still has very fond memories of him.
Thinking of you and all your family at this very sad time x

Badvoc · 29/07/2013 01:17

Thank you.
I have to phone the hospital and funeral directors tomorrow morning.
I am going to try and get a nice photo of dad for the boys and frame it.
I miss him :(

mrsdinklage · 29/07/2013 01:33

Badvoc - of course you miss him
Here - I'm sending you some strength for tomorrow x
yy to the photo - hopefully a lovely smiley one - maybe one with your boys on.

Original poster
mummylin2495 · 29/07/2013 12:19

Thinking of you badvoc hope you cope today and hoping for good news about your mum. Now you have your sister you can help each other. Thinking of you

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martini84 · 29/07/2013 13:05

So sorry to those joining with recent losses.
I am back as i am feeling like a bad person. My dad passed away way befoore i had children. My mum died before i had my youngest.
Yesterday we found out my sil is pregnant. I am so thrilled for her. They had been trying for 4 years.
Yet i am feelings pangs of jealousy. Her baby will have 3 doting grandparents.
Mil is so excited and has already said she will have baby 1 day a week. They live close by and obv she is going to spend more time with her lo as they are extremely close.
Sorry to post when others here have much greater things to deal with.
Just feeling sad.

martini84 · 29/07/2013 13:06

Hope your mum is improving. badvoc

Original poster
mummylin2495 · 29/07/2013 13:40

Hi martini you are not a bad person for thinking like that at all. It's normal I think to wish that your own children could have all their grandparents, and you will always think about your children will be missing. It's a natural reaction I think, we would all think the same. It just brings home to us what we have lost.

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Badvoc · 29/07/2013 18:22

Mum may be home tomorrow best case scenario.
I wish I could tell you all how wonderful he was.
We are starting to think about funeral stuff and I remembered we used to joke about it.
He said he wanted a Viking funeral!
Not sure I can pull that off tbh.
Can't believe he's gone.

Original poster
mummylin2495 · 29/07/2013 18:54

Good news about your mum, she will have to take it easy. It is such early days for you and it does take a while for it to sink in. It just seems so hard that someone is here one minute then gone. Thankfully you have lots of happy memories and its these memories that will keep you going in the future. Did you manage to get things sorted today ? It's a horrible job isn't it

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Badvoc · 29/07/2013 20:06

Oh it is mummylin. Horrible.
Going through his work phone and deleting all the family/private numbers.
I phoned the hotel today and thanked them for all their help. They really were amazing. I keep thinking of that poor girl who helped us give CPR.
She must only have been 18.
I can't speak to people without crying.
The lady at the funeral directors was very nice too.
We have started to think about what we will do for the funeral. I will jot down some of the music he loved and hymns etc.
It seems so surreal to be planning my dads funeral.

Badvoc · 29/07/2013 20:07

I am limiting visitors to mum when she gets home....family ONLY.
She needs rest.

martini84 · 29/07/2013 20:20

Thank youmummylin