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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

As we go through this painful journey together

985 replies

lavandes · 10/02/2013 21:24

As we go through this painful journey together we share, cry, scream and shout but we never judge, we know that there is always someone to listen. We always remember our precious children who will never be forgotten and will live on forever in our hearts.

OP posts:
whiteandyelloworchid · 19/02/2013 20:14

saint v, do you ever have any ups? or do you always feel down?

whiteandyelloworchid · 19/02/2013 20:17

oh sorry i can see you said you can laugh, just i was googling the other day, when does grief become depression? one thing it said the difference is, if you can be comforted at all, by poetry, tallking about your lost loved one etc
if these things bring comfort then its not depression

im not sure its as easily defined as that

i have ofter wondered have i become depressed? am i depressed but i suppose i think its just grief.
and it will always hurt

SaintVera · 19/02/2013 21:02

I think I am now depressed. I am finding it difficult to look at photos, remember and finding it hard to believe all over again. I have been feeling quite panicky and agitated and scared I am losing my mind. I have stared Citalopram - I know that it is meant to get worse before it gets better - and feel a bit floored but still mad and panicky. I am in danger of losing it in front of DS2 who needs his mum, poor darling.

I think that descriptions of grief often don't include losing a child, which is a whole different world from 'regular' grief

SaintVera · 19/02/2013 21:05

I think I am now depressed. I am finding it difficult to look at photos, remember and finding it hard to believe all over again. I have been feeling quite panicky and agitated and scared I am losing my mind. I have stared Citalopram - I know that it is meant to get worse before it gets better - and feel a bit floored but still mad and panicky. I am in danger of losing it in front of DS2 who needs his mum, poor darling.

I think that descriptions of grief often don't include losing a child, which is a whole different world from 'regular' grief

chipmonkey · 19/02/2013 21:05

Agree, Vera. I was very upset when my Dad died. But I suppose we always know that our parents will die one day and for the most part, it's not our responsibility to keep them alive. Sylvie-Rose dying...... that was like someone ripped my heart out.

whiteandyelloworchid · 19/02/2013 21:42

saint v, i totally agree anything thats normally said about grief doesn't work when its your child you have lost
i hope the citalopram kicks in soon, i think its supposed to take about 6 weeks is it ? to really kick in
so hang in there

chip, one of my friends dh' who lost his dad and they lost their child, he said although he was gutted to lose his dad, its nowhere near like the pain of losing a child
so sorry about your dad chip

been thinking about something the vicar said to me about ds, something about love ds and remmeber ds, but you need to let him go

how on earth do you do that and i really don't think i know what she means

My5boysandme · 19/02/2013 21:51

I have bipolar disorder and I don't even get the highs anymore. I'd love one just to get through a day feeling full of energy, instead I feel awful. My medication works in as far as keeping my mood stable, however with the grief Troon in the mix and it's just a horrible whirlwind of emotions, now I'm suffering panic attacks on top of this, as well as pregnancy hormones and I'm fucked!

Have our meeting with pathologist tomorrow, so probably won't sleep much tonight either.

My gran died at Christmas and as much as I loved her I felt nothing(feel horrid writing that) but my grief for Dexter is still so raw and nobody else's death is going to be worse than that. Grief for your child is worse than the death of anyone else, and that's what is so scary about it.

whiteandyelloworchid · 19/02/2013 22:06

myfive how many weeks ago are you now?

i will be thinking of you tomorrow

its understanderble feeling nothing about your gran, she had her life, and your mind is comsumed with dexter

i just feel like i keep seeing babies all the time, its everyday ont he school run, where you feel an expectaion to make polite chit chat, i find so so so wearing,
its not like i even want their babies, i want our ds, not theres.
its just this expectation at polite chit chat really wears me down
i think if i just hid away i would feel better
nver used to be like that, used to be some open, happy and chatty
not anymore

MiaAlexandrasmummy · 19/02/2013 22:18

It's probably very natural to equate grief with depression. They both hurt, they both change you from the person you are 'normally'. But I agree, they are different things.

And grief for a child is far different from any other sort of pain. Like you, my five, my lovely grandmother died three days before Mia - and I still haven't felt anything. It hasn't even touched me. I think it's because I knew it was the natural order of things.

chip understand that panicky feeling very well. But I am being a bit stupid about it all, thinking very illogically that because Mia died, then we have had our bad luck and that nothing should happen with Finn. Blocking out the horrible possibilities in case I go bonkers. At the same time, I also know that's not how life works. There isn't a balance or a quota system.

My friend announced the birth of her baby boy last week with an email asking for lawyer details - he was in intensive care due to problems with the hospital at birth, and all she said was that the next 72 hours were critical. You can imagine how MrMia and I felt. However, it seems that he is improving, which is good news.

Shabba - hope that your father's mystery jaw bone illness is not serious. The unknown illness is very hard to face, especially when you already have had experience of the worst that can happen. But love your mum's wise words... and speaking of which, do you have any recent Lew pearls of wisdom for us?

whiteandyelloworchid · 19/02/2013 22:23

miasmummy, glad to hear your friends baby is improving

My5boysandme · 19/02/2013 22:23

I'm 19 weeks now and we're having a little boy. We're happy but sad/scared/guilty and a whole host of other emotions. The hospital has been in touch to say we'll get a sleep apnoea monitor but they want us to do basic first aid training and CPR. Feel sick at the thought as the last time I did CPR was on Dexter and it didn't work. They also want to get a plan in place for the birth and how best they can support me. Don't really like to talk about the pregnancy on here as don't want to upset anyone x

MiaAlexandrasmummy · 19/02/2013 22:29

myfive there is a rainbow babies thread if you'd like to talk there link. I found it really helpful and supportive. But it's totally normal to be scared.

whiteandyelloworchid · 19/02/2013 22:29

ok fair enough, i can understand why you don't really like talking about it in here, sorry hope you don't mind me asking
just thinking about you thats all.
xxx

MiaAlexandrasmummy · 19/02/2013 22:31

Just realised I was being very insensitive before - huge apologies to those of you who found my post about my friend's baby upsetting. I just wanted to convey (very clumsily) how random life is, and how it hits you without warning...

My5boysandme · 19/02/2013 22:41

Sorry white, thank you for asking I just feel a bit insensitive talking about here when people have lost their babies/children and/or who are struggling to have more or can't. I don't want to offend anyone when this thread has been invaluable to me x

whiteandyelloworchid · 19/02/2013 23:00

thats ok, i totally understand
((())))

shabbatheGreek · 20/02/2013 06:44

Morning girls xx

whiteandyelloworchid · 20/02/2013 07:46

Morning. Xx

I know its not something to discus on here, but I got a bfp on a pregnancy test today, think ill come and say hello on the rainbow thread when j feel uoto it,.which could b some.months

Didn't want to.drone on about it,.just wanted to get it out x x

shabbatheGreek · 20/02/2013 08:39

Congratulations White, thats lovely news x

This thread is here for us all to be able to say exactly how we are feeling and what is going on in our lives - if we want to and when we want to xx

My5boysandme · 20/02/2013 10:21

Congratulations white, so very pleased for you x

Bluetinkerbell · 20/02/2013 11:02

Very welcome on the rainbow thread white congratulations!

chipmonkey · 20/02/2013 13:22

myfive, a new little boy! How lovely! You will have to change your name to mysixboysandme!
White, Yay about the bfp!Grin

whiteandyelloworchid · 20/02/2013 14:00

thanks guys, suppos because ive lost the last three babies ive been pregnant with, i don't hold out much hope tbh.
but thanks for the congrats

frasersmummy · 20/02/2013 20:07

5 boys dont feel guilty about takling about your pregnancy on here ..this thread probs more than any other thread on mn we will be praying for a safe outcome for you all

Congratulations White and Yellow

2 new little bundles of joys to look forward to

Its really hard being pregnant again. You try not to get excited but then you feel guilty for not feeling excited, you feel scared, you feel like you are replacing the little one you lost (you are not.. its just someone to cuddle), you feel happy and

One day at a time ladies .. one day at a time ...

lavandes · 21/02/2013 07:37

Morning ladies x

Congratulations myfive and white wonderful news!!

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