As we go through this painful journey together

[lavandes]

As we go through this painful journey together we share, cry, scream and shout but we never judge, we know that there is always someone to listen. We always remember our precious children who will never be forgotten and will live on forever in our hearts.

Went back to the doctors today, as they panic attacks are happening every night, I'm scared to go to sleep, as when I close my eyes that night keeps replaying over and over.

We've also got our meeting with the pathologist on Wednesday, which is on my mind constantly.

I've been prescribed diazepam and to see the doctor next Friday, I really hopes it helps :(

ResponsibleAdult thank you for that. I love to hear stories like that.

White I LOVE that ornament. I doubt if it would cause a fire, it would be in the shade mostly wouldn't it so would catch the light but not refract it.

oh Saint, what a lovely dream and how cruel to wake up! Reality is just too hard.

Cup, I'm actually glad you had that cry. I think it's no harm at all for people to know that you're not coping, they probably didn't realise how tough this has been. People truly don't realise how bad it is if it hasn't happened to them and, bless you, you probably looked as though you were bearing up wonderfully to them.

Sorry white, meant to say, our meeting after the PM was tough but not as bad as I'd expected. Everyone was really kind and although I felt kind of drained afterwards, I felt I'd got to ask a lot of questions that needed answering.

Not white, myfive! >

If you don't mind, what kind of things did you ask? I know we'll be expected to have questions, but I can't seem to think of any? Ok I have 1, but it seems silly, but all I really want to know is did he suffocate? I just keep thinking he had rolled on to his tummy and couldn't breathe and that's why he died :(

Morning girls xx

We had a consultation with Gareths heart specialist - he explained everything to us and then sent us a letter so we could digest it more.

With Matt there was an inquest which explained a lot of things to us.

I think I would make a list of questions and even write the answers down. Your head is all over the place in situations like this. I also agree with the feeling of being drained afterwards. I remember we all fell asleep the minute we got home because we felt so drained.

Myfive, I don't think much of what I asked would apply to your Dexter.

Sylvie-Rose was premature, she had a tiny hole in her heart, she was in my bed when she died. I had not given her her doses of iron as I had inadvertently melted the dosing dropper for the iron in the steam steriliser. I asked if any of these things had contributed to her death and was told no, we were unlucky.

I asked the neonatologist if she would have discharged her, she said she would have.

I mentioned that Sylvie-Rose had sneezed twice and had had a huge appetite the night before she died.

She said that had I turned up with her in A+E saying she had sneezed twice and had guzzled her milk, I would have been marched right back out the door.

Dexter was a fullterm healthy baby, who died in his cot. Myfive, I'm sure all you want to ask is why on earth did that happen?

My five, I was really anxious going back to the hospital for my sons post mortom results, main question I had was why, and various others that all boil down to why again, such as did anything I did cause it, how it have been prevented, how can we prevent it happening to any potential future children
All questions are really just a form of that question we will never know
Why.

I was told nothing we or anyne Could have done would have caused it and it was chance occurance

But I still worry, was it me doing artexing that caused it, was Ir because I was so ill during the pregnancy, was Ir because I sometimes woke up on my back not my left side. Was it because I eat peanuts

I hope it goes ok for you, it will be another hurrdle over, I think of things that way when I'm dreading some appointment or some such, another hurddle over
Thinking of you hoping for the best for the best for you

I'm finding it difficult to know what to say to dd when she cries about ds, I tend to just say I know dd, it is really sad, and hug her, sometimes I try and reassure her that she's still got her mum and dad, but sometimes I just don't know what to do or say to comfort her.

Afternoon girls xx

Beautiful 'spring like' day here - wall to wall sunshine. xx

myfive I also think our experience about Mia isn't really helpful to you apart from general things which have been prompted by white and chip here. To get the most out of your meeting, perhaps you could write down everything you remember of the days and hours beforehand about Dexter and your own actions, and any of the questions you have and send it to the consultant. That way, they can read and prepare any answers for your meeting, rather than perhaps saying that they will have to come back to you at a later date, when all you really want is the answers.

However, it is likely that there is nothing you could have done, nothing to pinpoint what would happen, and that you may come away with the answer that it was pure bad luck, and that they don't have any specific answers for you. And that is very, very hard. Mia had no signs of the very rare bacterial growth on her heart, just funny breathing, and when she was admitted, this was the only moment it could have been discovered, but it was seen to be pneumonia, which was considered a 'reasonable' diagnosis by two out of the three expert witnesses at her inquest.

i noticed on my mums calender, she has written "babywhite anniversary" on ds's birthday/anniversary of his death

it made me feel really sad and i thought why couldnt you have written birthday, rather than anniversary

am i being crazy to be upset over this?

Maybe a little. But I would also be grateful that she remembered babyorchid on that day, rather than leaving it blank... to me, that would be far worse.

yeah i did think that, at least shes remembered and she did also ask me what we are doing on that day etc and if i wanted her to get anything
so i supposed i shouldnt be upset that seh put anniversary rather than birthday
it is ds birthday and anniversary on the same day
i will try not to be upset over it

the inlaws have not even mentioned it and i doubt they will

white, I can see why you'd be hurt by that. But I suppose it is the anniversary of his birth as well as his death. It shouldn't be, of course, and that's the most hurtful thing of all.

Morning girls xx

White - my inlaws were the same - my boys were never mentioned by them again, after they died.

My

Aargh! The Android mumsnet app doesn't work on my phone! My granny never mentioned anyone who had died, ever again. I think she thought it was bad luck.

shabbs, sorry your inlaws never mention your boys, i find that rather shocking

my inlaws are the brush it under the carpet types
very much keeping up appereance types, all best china and alot of bullshit

ive got alot of anger towards them i suppose if im honest, don't suppose anger will do me much good though

chip thanks for the understanding

do you think i should ask my mum to change it to ds birthday, or shall i just let her be

dds been crying st school today about ds, just don't know how to comfort her except hug her and tell her how much we love her, had a massive chat with her tonight and she said to me "would you still love me mummy if i was dead"
feel terrible shes been through all this, it seems to have deeply affected her.

Both my in laws died a few years ago but they were of the belief that I shouldn't mention my sons names their loss - not mine.

Very sadly my Mum only talks about the boys when I do - her Alzhaimers is slowly taking away her memories of them. She used to be my greatest comfort because she would talk for hours with me about them - bloody Alzhaimers is a heartless, cruel thing.

Have that awful 'something terrible is going to happen' feeling tonight....keep having to breath away panic attacks - not good at all.

Isn't it strange, shabs. The most awful thing has happened to us and yet we still feel panicky as if it's going to happen, as if it's in the future, not the past.

I'm sorry your Mum has to be prompted to mention the boys. I found out yesterday that one of my old teachers has Alzheimers. She was such an intelligent lady.

Morning girls xx

My Mum doesn't do too badly with it - the tablets she is taking seem, for now, to have stopped it in its tracks. My Dad has a problem with his jaw bone. He is almost 81 and has never, ever been poorly like he is now. Doctors dont know what is wrong but he has had two biopsys so far - he goes into hospital later this month so they can finally find out what it is. I am a real Daddy's girl and I think this is what is making me have the panic attacks and feel this awful feeling of panic and worry.

My Mums wise words? 'Oh love this is the natural way that life should happen....we are a pair of owd buggers and we all have to die of something!!'

sorry your mum isn't quite as able to talk to about the boys are she was, or that she only does it when prompted, it must have been wonderful to have someone that will sit on talk to you for hours about your lovely boys

i know its not the same, but when i meet up with a couple of friendsive made, that have both had stillborn babies, i know my ds wasnt stillborn,but because he died so shortly after he was born i find i related alot to people that have had stillbirths, anyway sorry im rambling, anyway when we meet up we just talk for hours and hours and its amazing them amount we have to talk about wecould go on, non stop for days

it must hae been wonderful to be able to share that with your mum.

i feel the same dread and panic, and i often find myself thinnking anything really really bad could happen at any momnet
i worry alot what else is going to happen

i hope its nothing too serious with your dad shabbs
i can understand why your so worried

my aunt had Alzhaimers and its a very cruel illness indeed and very tough on the whole family.

I was trying to analyse my own panicky feelings and I think what it is, is panicking in case this is all true and I've lost my girl. And of course it is true.
shabs, that is worrying about your Dad. I hope they get to the bottom of it and that it's nothing serious.

well this am i felt reasonalby ok, fairly calmish, then on the way to my friends how burst into tears, badly and was sobbing, was ok at my friends

then got back home, just been watching only fools and horses and letting out big belly laughs,its on now

feels like having bi-polar or something

white I know that bi-polar feeling. I have been in a terrible state in the past two weeks, just falling into the madness of clinical depression (whatever that is). Rapid mood cycles, laughing one minute then being so low I feel I am just falling into the abyss. I am only posting on here because I have had a can of beer, which temporarily restores some sort of equilibrium.