As we go through this painful journey together

[lavandes]

As we go through this painful journey together we share, cry, scream and shout but we never judge, we know that there is always someone to listen. We always remember our precious children who will never be forgotten and will live on forever in our hearts.

Morning ladies,

It was Sams' 21st last week, he has said that it a good day but would have been perfect if James had been here to share it. We are getting so close to the 1st anniversary now, I am terrified of it. How has it been almost a year since we saw him? How have we got through the last 11 months? How are we going to get through the day?

I'm so very low at the moment. I cry everyday again, it feels every bit as painful now as it did last year.

Don't know why I'm posting but need to say it somewhere :-(

mumof I don't know if you will be the same but I have always found that the build up to the day is much, much worse than the day itself. Someone once told me that the only way to 'cope' with 'IT' is..........'One foot in front of the other and dont forget to breathe.'

I would not go back to the early days of grief for a million pounds. I can promise you one thing.....'Older grief is much more gentle. You start to remember happy times and the razor sharp emotions become more gentle as well.

Keep posting - keep talking about your emotions. The more I have told my story the more I realise how far we have walked down this horrible path.

Thanks Shabba

Everytime I need wisdom, you are there with the right words to help me.

I honestly didn't think that it was possible to cry this much, I am feeling so low. I keep dreaming about James and they aren't always happy dreams, I keep 'reliving' the night Sam found him and it makes me very panicky.

In some ways, I find it very hard to accept that he did what he did. I struggle to accept that he is dead and that we will never see him again. I know that he is dead but I don't understand how or why.

How can my funny, bright, very loved son be dead? How could suicide be his only option? How did it get to the point that he believed it would make everything ok? Why did he believe that he had destroyed all his relationships? Why didn't he know how much we love him?

Why does it feel like my life is on hold?

I know for sure that he knows how much you love him - sometimes not even your families love can change your mindset. I cannot imagine how painful that is to deal with as a Mum.

I dont know why he did it but I wish I had an explanation for you. You should cry my love - dont hold those tears in, that will only make you feel poorly. I think the 'one year' remember day is so difficult. Its kind of a very short time and a very long time since you last saw him. For me it was a day when I realised I wouldn't see my two sons again - in this life. One year of agony topped off with total realisation.

I wish I had the right words to help. There again I dont think there are any right words xxx

I think that is it, it is the confirmation that I will never see him again, this year has gone so so fast but so slowly at the same time. For months it seemed to drag by painfully slowly but it seems to have speeded up in the last few weeks.

Last Fathers Day, Sam was hurt in a fight (not his fault, he intervened in someone been picked on) the night before so on the morning of Fathers Day, Moon and Sam were at A & E getting him patched up. Early hours of this Fathers Day, they were in A & E because Sam had had a muscle spasm and was sent to hospital by his boss.

It feels like life is repeating itself in some odd way. I feel completely out of control, it is like being on a out of control train, hurtling towards something I don't want to face.

Oh I know those thoughts - the worries and fears something will happen to another of your children. I refused to show Tom how to ride a bike. My lovely neighbour spent a full day running behind Tom on his bike...picking him up when he fell off etc etc. I spent the day sat on the stairs rocking backwards and forwards and crying. I remember the relief when we came home from holiday and his bike had been stolen.

All your fears and thoughts will be raised over the next couple of weeks - you will feel like you have totally lost the plot and your mind with it. Thats how I felt on the early remember days. YOU ARE NOT GOING MAD....you have lost one of your precious children. IF you are going mad then I am as well - and all us other Mums on this thread.

agree with shabs

mumof2
the first year & first "anniversary" of everything is the hardest after loosing a loved one - first Christmas or Birthday he missed, or even first Mother's day.

the pain will never go away, but it will change and will soften.

I'm so sorry for your loss, what a tragedy

mumof, I found that the anticipation of her first birthday and her first remember day were actually harder than the days themselves. The build up was awful, I remember feeling panicky, then the actual days were OK. The only stupid thing I did was work on Sylvie-Rose's birthday. I remember tamisara pointing out to me that it was probably because I'd always worked on the boys' birthdays and that had been fine and I think she was right. The difference is that the boys are alive and their birthdays are a celebration with no sadness mixed in.
You will get through it, do what you need to do to remember him and cry for him. And we will all be here xxx

chipmonkey, that is exactly how I feel, i'm panicky and feel short of breath. Its Moons' birthday today and all I can think of is 'this time last year'

I want the anniversary to hurry up and come so that I have got it out of the way, but I don't want it because it is the confirmation of a year of hell.

I am feeling very out of control and scared.

I have no words of wisdom, only lots of hugs.
(hug) (hug) (hug)

I have Dexters 1st birthday coming up on Friday, I hope the build up is worse than the day. Keeping the boys off school and taking them out for the day, I don't want them to be sad on his birthday.

I can't decide if I want to buy a card for him for his memory box or not. I like the idea of it, but the thought of going and buying a card for him and him not actually being here makes me cry, so may not be a good idea.

James birthday was in november, we set off chinese lanterns and had a drink with his friends. It was a lovely low key way of celebrating his day.

Maybe you could release balloons rather than lanterns, I found James' birthday difficult in a nice way, it was very bittersweet, being with his friends celebrating him but him not with us.

I found the day before his birthday harder than the actual day. I didn't get him a card, but I did think about it beforehand. It seemed too sad a thing to do.

I will be thinking of you all on friday, the candle will be lit all day xx

I found this poem online, and I found it so beautiful I thought I share it with all the Mum's here who have lost a child. Like someone else said, the pain will never go away, you learn to live with it, but there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of my own baby Gabrielle and the beautiful angel I cared for. I still cry every day, question why life is so unfair that I had to go through this twice, and then I find the strength somehow to carry on. May God bless you all who lost a child or a loved one.

Lullabies
Daddy please dont look so sad, Mommy please dont cry.
I am in the arms of Jesus
and He sings me lullabies.
Please do not try to question God,
dont think He is unkind. Dont think He sent me to you and that
He changed His mind.
You see, I am special
and Im needed up above. Im the special child you gave Him,
the product of your love.
Ill always be there with you. So watch the sky at night. Find the brightest star thats gleaming.
Thats my halos brilliant light.
So Daddy please dont look so sad. Mommy please dont cry.
I am in the arms of Jesus.
And He sings me lullabies.

My5boysandme , I would say go with your first instinct. Whatever you do on that day will make you cry! So do whatever will make you celebrate his memory the best. Lots of love xxx

My5

that's a tricky one about the card!

and I guess it will be hard for you to think straight as you are so close to giving birth - your body& your mind are dealing with soooo much right now!

when I can't decide what would be best, I'll turn it round and ask what I would regret more - if that makes sense.

so perhaps buying a card now feels right, but if later you change you can always get rid of it.
on the other hand if you don't buy one you might regret it later but can't change it.

I hope you know what I mean.

I will be thinking of you on Friday. x

What about making a card??? That way you can put whatever you want into it and decorate it how you want?

Hi everyone, its my grandads funeral today, I loved him to bits and although I will be thinking a lot of grandad today, I know its ds I will be sobbing over

First funeral, since ds funeral.
Just got to get through it
Xxx

Myfive I was v much the same as other people, found the build up v v v tough, yet on the day, it was actually nice doing all the things we did for ds, taking extra nice flowers to ds grave, lunch out in his memory, and planting a tree and balloon realise
X x

White so sorry to hear about your grandad. I didn't go to my grans funeral, as I couldn't face another funeral after Dexters. Thinking of you today xx

Morning girls xx

White - sad news about your Grandad. xx

hi my brother and hs wife to remenber there dd put a new statue or a ceramic no with the age she would be beside her grave they take flowers and for her first birthday they planted a tree in the garden and every year on her birthday or christmas they tie a message on it for her she will be 3 this year they have found it easier to deal with by doing these things hope all is well my best wishes to you and youre family

Thdnks been crying for the past two hours and I'm puffy faced and blochy and look a right state, already, think I see if dh fancys a walk before we go to grans x x

Hi everyone. just want to take a moment to wallow in self-pity if that's alright.

my beautiful daughter's birthday is on saturday. she would have been two. a little angel, all blonde hair and smiles, running around doing toddler things and living her beautiful life in this world.

the pain isn't getting any easier, and it's made worse by nobody remembering her or talking about her. i havent seen her father since i was pregnant with her so there isn't even another person feeling the same grief. it's like she's a taboo that nobody wants to remember out of some fear i don't understand. I want her to be talked about, I want to keep her alive with us, because the pain of her being dead (that is so difficult to write) is just too much to handle.

my cousin recently lost his son (died in utero at 39 weeks) and everyone is being so supportive to him and his wife, but i just can't, i feel jealous of every kind word said to him because everyone has forgotten I feel the same. oh god i'm a horrible person

sorry this post probably doesn't make a lot of sense, but then again, i don't make sense now. my whole existence doesn't make sense. when she died, I died too.

hope you're ok white my prayers are with you x

white, so sorry about your Grandad xxx

carry, I'm sorry about your little girl too. And remember, your cousin and his wife are just starting this journey. In a few months time, they will be like the rest of us, with only a few people thinking of or remembering their son. People who haven't lost a child think that you "get over it" a few months down the line and that you can move on when we know you can't. Sadly the sympathy they are getting now will be short-lived.
I think, maybe, in a few months time, just drop them a note to let them know you are thinking of them and remembering their baby.

What is your little girl's name?

carryme

to echo Shabba's wise words, you are in the right place,sadly.

we care. We'll never forget.
we will cry with you and hold your hand.

do you want to tell her story - if that helps?

white so sorry about your grandad!

thanks everyone, well I got through it, it was very emotional and sad, but nice at the same time
another first done.

feels very very different obv to losing ds, as granddad, had a full and long life
i have found, some people in life you can talk to ,others you cant
but granddad was someone you could really talk to
he was kind, thoughtful, a good listener had a great sense of humor, adored dd, always made you feel like he was on your side, would always talk to me about ds, didn't try and avoid the subject like some people do
and I feel lucky to have had such an amazing granddad in my life.hes really my dhs granddad really, but ive been with dh 13 years and gran and granddad adopted me as a granddaughter straight away

on the way to the funeral we went on a little trip, past where granddad grew up, its a beautiful spot, little stone cottages with a stream running along the front, like something off a chocolate box, and where granddad used to sit as a child catching tiddlers in the stream, that was really nice, like a last trip with granddad
and the sun shone

as granddad was cremated, after the funeral, the flowers have now gone down to ds grave, very thoughtful of gran to suggest that and it felt nice like ds was included

to granddad, thanks for being a great granddad to me and dh and a lovely gt granddad to dd and ds xx
give ds the biggest hug from us and kiss.
me are going to miss you so much
look after ds, until we can ourselves
love you always xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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