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Original poster

As we go through this painful journey together

985 replies

lavandes · 10/02/2013 21:24

As we go through this painful journey together we share, cry, scream and shout but we never judge, we know that there is always someone to listen. We always remember our precious children who will never be forgotten and will live on forever in our hearts.

OP posts:
cafecito · 13/06/2013 23:48

thank you Sad yes I have a huge time management problem too! I found with panic attacks one good thing was to stop and identify five things in my surroundings and name them to myself (weird I know) like, say I am having a panic attack right now in this room, I could look around and see a notepad, a chair, a bookcase, loads of crap on the floor .. etc, and then go over it again, notepad, chair, bookcase.. notepad chair bookcase. I don't know why but that was often kind of grounding and helped

amazingmumof6 · 14/06/2013 00:38

you know I totally get that!
whatever it is that makes you focus...

most unfortunate times when people fussing, trying to help. coz you can't explain it. I used to try but then felt stupid,which upset me even more, so it got worse!

DH thankfully learnt to step away and leave me to recover. hard to do ( bless him)

the time thing - I'm a list-writer, that really helps.
and little sayings like " there's no such thing as a 1 minute job"

but the best thing thst came out of counselling was the realizations that it is ok to just sit in the middle of chaos and do nothing.

it's ok to wait till the worst is over, and then try to pick up the pieces.
that if I feel overwhelmed I'm allowed to wait till I feel ready to sort stuff out, without guilt.
that I don't have listen to advice or criticism if I don't want to.
that it's ok to say no or to say yes - I can decide!

so now I have days when I just "step back" and only do what is essential.
that way I slow down to a point when I feel uncomfortable - when I reach that point I swing into action because I feel ready.

does any of that makes sense?

shabbatheGreek · 14/06/2013 06:43

Morning girls xx

Just woke up and thought I had overslept!! Its Toms next to last GCSE this morning. He has to be in school for 8.15 and I thought it was much later!!!! Turns out I woke up before the alarm went off! Hmm

amazingmumof6 · 14/06/2013 12:53

too late to wish good luck to Tom?

how did it go?

shabbatheGreek · 14/06/2013 13:00

He had a smiley face when he came in and said he actually managed to answer every question on the exam paper...he was struggling with pacing himself before. Just one left on Monday morning now and then my youngest is no longer a high school child!!! College in September! No idea where those years have gone to xx

shabbatheGreek · 15/06/2013 09:37

Morning girls xx

chipmonkey · 15/06/2013 14:00

Afternoon, girls xx

shabbatheGreek · 15/06/2013 18:01

Just been looking through my 'treasure box' and found a poem my Mum wrote for Matt in 1990.

'Matthew loves his brother's clothes, he quite enjoys being second hand Rose,
A left handed little boy, loved by all the girls.
But he likes them best with ribbons and curls.
They call to him as he leaves school, and he drops his eyes and grins,
And at such a young age each little girl knows the saying 'she who dares - wins!!,
Matthew says 'I wike Becky's wibbons Gran! with a smile and he likes anothers curls,
This little man's growing up very fast, you'd better watch out for him girls.

So take my hand my little one and we'll walk through life together
We may not always be around to love you and to treasure
But love is something that death cannot sever.

His accident happened about 18 months after she wrote this Sad I should not look through my treasure box Sad

amazingmumof6 · 15/06/2013 18:05

shabba what a lovely poem!

and heart wrenching, you poor love!

(((hugs)))

amazingmumof6 · 15/06/2013 18:10

do you mind telling me what happened? I know he had a bike accident.

but only if you are up to it.

or not.
I don't have to know any details (definitely not out of morbid curiosity!), but will listen if it is what you want , if it helps you. X

shabbatheGreek · 15/06/2013 19:09

I don't mind telling Matts story - each time I do it makes more sense out of it - if you know what I mean?

A couple of weeks before his 8th birthday he was pestering and pestering to play with his friends but didn't want to play in our garden any more. After a lot of talking about it I told him he could play out BUT not on the road. He put his cowboy belt on and his gun in the holster Smile and got his beloved bike out.

I went to the gate with him and there were about 12 of his friends all playing out. He was under strict instructions to NOT go on the road even though it was a sunny Sunday afternoon and we lived on a very quiet housing estate. I told him he must not go out of sight of our house and be very careful. He rode off happily to meet up with his pals.

I walked back into the house and into the kitchen - realised that he wasn't very keen on what I was cooking for lunch. I walked back towards the front door (so no more than about 2 minutes) and before I got there one of his friends was hammering with his fist on the front door.

Matt had seen a flat back lorry filled with fizzy pop that was being delivered to the houses on our street. He went onto the road to have a nosey into the back of the lorry. Because he was only tiny the driver didnt see him behind the lorry and reversed. Matt couldn't get out of the way and the lorry crushed him to death. I got under the lorry but realised I couldnt move it off him. He had died within a few minutes of me lying with him. The injuries were mainly to his head. He was declared dead when he arrived at the hospital. The only part I cant describe are his injuries....I still have vivid nightmares about the sight that met me.

amazingmumof6 · 15/06/2013 19:34

oh shabba what a horrendous accident!Sad
I think my heart actually skipped a beat reading that. so tragic, I'm so sorry!

I really hope you have stopped blaming yourself for what happened or that you will one day.

apart from obviously missing him and grieving for him, that must be the hardest thing to live with, the "what ifs" and the "if onlys".

sending you big hugs and I'm honoured that you shared this with me.

amazingmumof6 · 16/06/2013 01:21

having read that again I can think of one good thing - at least you were there, with him, till the very end.
However scared he may have been or in pain or whatever, mummy was there and he wasn't alone!

I know it is probabaly little comfort to you, or none at all - I really don't try and put a good spin on it, apologies if it comes out that way!

but I can't stop thinking that it must have been a comfort to him to see or hear you in those last moments.
(more hugs)

shabbatheGreek · 16/06/2013 01:58

Im sorry....I posted MY story and then went to my friends for a few drinks!!!! For many years I blamed myself but I know now it was not my fault. I went into massive debt the Xmas before and bought Dan & Matt amazing, fantastic bikes.

I think that, for whatever reason, we all have 'our time' to die. I think if I had wrapped Matt in cotton wool that day he would have choked on the cotton wool if that makes any sense. Matt was my rainbow baby he was born 2 years after Gareth died. He was my second chance at getting it right.

Matt was a fantastic human being...full of fun and laughter.

I wish I could sit with someone and tell them exactly the sight that met me under that lorry. I want to share it with someone BUT I dont want to share it with anyone. It is....what it is.

shabbatheGreek · 16/06/2013 02:22

Thats why I ALWAYS post on threads that say things like 'Do you think I should make my child wear a safety helmet when cycling.' I was told by an amazing coroner - a kind, professional, fanastic man that IF Matt had worn a helmet his injuries WOULD NOT have been fatal.

amazingmumof6 · 16/06/2013 02:23

can you write it down on a piece of paper then burn the paper or throw it in a river?
the sight will probably never escape you, but it might help to put in words. just for yourself.

I think I know what you mean about we have our time. shame it was so short for Matt.

and I'm glad you can see it was not your fault! about either of your boys!

amazingmumof6 · 16/06/2013 02:24

but were helmets are around like they are now?

amazingmumof6 · 16/06/2013 02:32

and that thread you and I both posted on made me really think about helmets! ours have them, though don't cycle often.
I told DH and our best friend last night that they should take boys out a lot in the summer to practice.

We'll get bikes checked, fixed etc and will buy the best helmets BF can recommend - he is a bike fanatic, he'll know what's good.

I can only hope some other people listened to you as well. it is a sad way to learn but a great way to honour your lovely Matt!

shabbatheGreek · 16/06/2013 07:33

Morning girls xx

Amazing - yes cycle helmets were available but they were very expensive.

shabbatheGreek · 17/06/2013 07:02

Morning girls xx

Last day of my youngests time at High school today....one exam to do this morning then he is 'free!!'

amazingmumof6 · 17/06/2013 08:48

morning

what a milestone shabs!Thanks

are planning any celebrations?

shabbatheGreek · 17/06/2013 08:54

He was being verbally bullied for the last part of year 7, all of year 8 and part of year 9. Its a massive High school (2,200 pupils) and the Headmaster at that time was not very good. A new Head was appointed and Tom also 'found his voice.' I will never forgive or forget the couple of kids who made his life hell. I am glad that today has come and he has 'survived' this part of his life. He is very bright and year 11 has shown him at his best.

We are going on holiday in July - on his 16th birthday - that will make it a double celebration. Grin

chipmonkey · 17/06/2013 09:53

Good for Tom, shabba! I was bullied in secondary school all through first year ( in Ireland that means aged 12-13) I remember during the summer thinking, "I can't go on like this" and then told myself that seeing as I was brighter than the girl who was bullying me, that I should be able to think of a smart response at once. Knowing that I could meant that I actually could and she left me alone once I stood up to her. But I know she bullied others who never managed to stand up to her and one poor girl left the school. No-one did anything about it.

shabbatheGreek · 17/06/2013 10:12

Sad I despise bullying.

The best thing he was called was 'fat gay boy.' Believe me, some words that were said were disgusting.

I private messaged a young girl he went to primary with. She is one of the 'in crowd' at school. During the worse bullying she took him under her wing and challenged the people who were doing it. I thanked her today for helping him and she said......'No problem at all, he is so kind and so funny - and he knows how to treat a girl with respect. Thats why the ignorant kids were calling him gay.....he doesn't swear or fight or be horrible to anyone and they are jealous of the way he is.'

There are still some fantastic teenagers in this country - despite what the media would like us to think.

amazingmumof6 · 17/06/2013 11:21

oh bless her, what a lovely girl!

my DS1 was attacked (not physically, but the boy spat towards him) on the school bus recently, some of the kids tried to help, which worked.
one of them was a girl - it turned out since thatvshe likes DS1!!!! (awwww!)

the offending child is a neighbour so on top of the school helping to sort it, I actually turned up at the bus stop a few times since, giving him a look - I think that helped too.

no trouble since.Smile

I wonder how our pg ladies doing.

and sorry for being bullied chip, but well done for fighting back!