As we go through this painful journey together

[lavandes]

As we go through this painful journey together we share, cry, scream and shout but we never judge, we know that there is always someone to listen. We always remember our precious children who will never be forgotten and will live on forever in our hearts.

Tina this is the most welcoming place _ please feel free to post here xx

cafecito

will you tell me what happened? (only if it helps! )
and very sorry for your loss.

grief is a sneaky bastard

café, its nice to see you, I have thought about you often and wondered how you are doing
sorry to hear your going through a rough time with it all
I know what you mean about the surrealness of it all, its almost like its too horrific to even e real, and you think did that actually really happen
how much longer do you have on your course?
do you any chance of changing counsellor?

sorry, I think I posted this in wrong place? in any case, she was 5 and a half, beautiful girl, had CP and disabled, she got unwell and unfortunately her tiny body just couldn't take it anymore. They tried so hard to save her, but she couldn't fight anymore. She wasn't my child but I had worked as her carer for almost 2 yrs.

tina im sorry for your loss xx

tina I meant sorry for your loss as although she wasn't your child you knew and loved her, so sadly it's your loss too!
not sure where you meant to post, but people will definitely listen to you and hold your hand here!

Hi, I think I'm in the right place, I just wanted to say hi and remember my beautiful Malachy who was born sleeping this day three years ago. I'm sorry I don't really post anymore but life with my little Ruairí has taken over! Work has also been hideous but I start at a new school in September and we're hopefully moving house in the summer. Love you you all and love to my Malachy x

thank you , it's hard as I feel so heartbroken, and get panic/anxiety attacks, went to GP who suggested counselling but 6 years ago when I lost my own baby I tried counselling but didn't hep at all. Any suggestions I will be grateful , thank you

sorry for your loss, Tina. I'm not sure what to suggest about the panic attacks. I thought I would be ok today but I could feel it creeping up on me throughout the day. Be kind to yourself and take care x

Have started this message a hundred times and deleted over and over again, trying to find the right words.

Tina the death of a child affects so many people....like a pebble thrown into water....family, friends, neighbours, carers....so many people. This thread has always been for the family and anyone affected by the death of a baby/child/adult child. Everyone is welcome here and we share our thoughts and experiences - most times our thoughts and emotions are very similar.

Good to see some 'old faces' here tonight. Wish none of us had to be on this thread but glad we have all found each other.

xx

minione, thinking of your malachy xx

Tina I started having panic attacks a few years ago - even though my twin baby son died 31 years ago and my DS3 was killed 21 years ago. They came out of the blue and were awful.

I went to see my GP and my blood pressure was also sky high. He put me on beta blockers which I will take for life - within weeks I was doing much better. Sadly, both my parents are very ill at the moment and I have struggled a little over the past couple of days with panic attacks. My GP told me that my 'nervous system' was telling me I had had enough and thats why he prescribed the tablets.

It might be worth a few visits to a counsellor though. xx

minione, I know this poem is aout one year on, but I thought you might like it xx

one year will pass
i can feel it edging closer
how will the world seem then?
it wont have changed as we have
how could it?
12 months are not enough

some say times a healer
we know that isn't true
12 months, 12 years 12 lifetimes
wont change things for me and you
but now we know we are not alone
but the world is not as we thought
there are hearts as ours that have suffered so
many that are torn apart

one year will come and then be gone
some will notice then move on
yet however many years go by
our tears will fall and we will cry
together forever my love
to some we may try to explain
to others we may not
about the pain the grief and the loss

and then i guess another year
will be here and gone
and the world still wont look
as it once had done

but one thing will have remained true
thats the love between me and you

Such true words - that poem is beautiful xx

Thank you white, it's beautiful. I don't think we've met before? Did you also lose a little boy?

Hi shab, hope you are ok, I'm sorry to hear about your parents, sending you a hug xx

Yeah I lost my beautiful boy, shortly after he was born, he died in my arms, I think about him everyday and feel sad he's not here with us everyday. He was so so beautiful, perfect in everyway, perfect face perfect skin, but his heart didn't form properly and it couldn't be fixed x
I got that poem from a sands memorial church service x

Glad you liked it too shabbs x

White, so glad your scan went well! And lovely that you are having another little boy!

cafe, I'm sorry to hear how tough things are. Can you defer your exams, give you some time to chill? Could you get another counsellor if the one you have is making things worse?

Nice to see you again, Minione, thinking of Malachy xx

Tina, so sorry you are here, your little mindee ( is that the right word?) sounds lovely. It's bound to affect you badly, if you were with her so much and cared for her.

We went to see a movie this evening and on the way back, that song "Let her Go" was playing and I welled up at the line "And you let her go". I do feel that I did let her go, even though people tell me it wasn't my fault.

I know what you mean chip, about letting her go - I feel I should have and could have done so many things differently.

Mini, thoughts with you and Malachy

can't defer exams (and chilling not possible as am on 2 other courses as well- aaaaah) but the failure rate is very high as they negative mark (who'd have thought doctors aren't meant to make mistakes eh) and if I don't meet the pass mark I have to repeat the year. It's extremely stressful, I have left it all so late in the day to start and feel like I have the knowledge now that everyone else had back in October (and when I say feel like, it's actually quite objective - they did know this stuff back then) so that is stressing me as is DS and psycho ex P upping the court threats and stalkering, and I guess financial worries and so forth. I have become very withdrawn socially - I avoid everything that is not compulsory, I never see my friends. I get quite panicky at the moment too and every so often will be in the middle of a busy place and it's as if time stands still for me and I'm surrounded by this whirring madness and I start to feel all fragmented and peculiar and uneasy.

I had panic attacks a few years ago, awful. I haven't had any recently (though there's always an undercurrent of panicking about exams mainly) I think my main thing is nightmares about it/ migraines in the day

sorry thanks for hand holding

That poem is very true!

I wonder if I will ever feel normal but then it seems to come in waves, where I cope better for a time, and then dip down again. People who haven't lexperienced the loss of achild would often say 'accept it' or 'move on' etc . I don't think I will ever accept it.

I also find it troubling that I have used DD as an excuse to do medicine, which is what I always wanted to do beforehand, but as if I am doing the wrong thing by using her posthumously as my reason for doing something I want to do, I feel like her life should have more worth than to inspire someone frankly older and less worthy of existence to go on. It kind of breaches the Kantian imperative of personhood, really, and I feel I have accidentally devalued her. I know that sounds a bit mad but yeah I am just feeling very guilty, I guess, for being alive when she is not.

cafecito

you have so much going on, no wonder you feel worried & panicky!

I do not think, you are devaluing your DD's life, I think she's bloody proud of you for even trying to do something!
I mean it.
I understand you feel guilty, but I wish you weren't, you are juggling with so much - I'm a busy person, but my head was spinning just reading about your struggles!

you definitely need some practical help.

and I'm so sorry for your loss! ((hug))

mini also very sorry about Malachy ((hug)) as well

hi chip, sorry about your little girl too.

I had a MC 4.5 years ago, which was a total shock after 4 healthy boys!
I don't think I "have" to let her go, and I don't think I could.

I'll try to explain why letting her go is not possible for me.
She has a place in my heart and my mind and my soul, so although there are times (days even might go by) that I don't think about her, she is always there anyway.

She's still a part of me.
like an invisible body part. so although she's unseen, she is still attached to me in some ways.
letting her go there for is not something that I'm in charge of doing, so I couldn't, even if I wanted to! (but I don't, of course)

does that make any sense?

I used to get panic attacks and was given this advice to deal with hyperventilating:
try and block everything out and concentrate on regulating breathing.
count to 7 when inhaling, then count to 11 exhaling.

trying to do this while wanting to take quick sharp breaths were counter productive in the beginning (would make me panic even more so I'd end up crying).

eventually I learnt to not only control and stop hyperventilation, but to nip it in the bud.

and counselling helped too - in unexpected ways (realized I had a huge problem with time management!) as well as with the panic attacks.

shabba sorry about your parents too. ((hug))

Morning girls xx

thank you all, sometimes its just hard trying to explain it to people who have not gone through it what it feels like. The pain never goes away, you learn to live with it. Sometimes they expect you to just carry on. I will try the exercise for the breathing thank you. prayers and best wishes to all of you who have lost a loved one, a child.

thanks chip x
thanks for encouragaging to try for this baby, your words made a lot of sense to me

The Cord

Author Unknown

We are connected,
My child and I,
By an invisible cord,
Not seen by the eye.

It's not like the cord
That connects us 'til birth
This cord can't be seen
By any on earth.

This cord does its work
Right from the start.
It binds us together
Attached to my heart.

I know that it's there
Though no one can see
The invisible cord
From my child to me.

The strength of this cord
Man could create
It withstands the test
Can hold any weight.

And though you are gone,
Though you're not here with me,
The cord is still there
But no one can see.

It pulls at my heart
I am bruised?. I am sore,
But this cord is my lifeline
As never before.

I am thankful that God
Connects us this way
A mother and child
Death can't take away!

I wish she was here, sleeping upstairs or even refusing to sleep . anything would be then this hole in my heart.
I miss her so much right now.