As we go through this painful journey together

[lavandes]

As we go through this painful journey together we share, cry, scream and shout but we never judge, we know that there is always someone to listen. We always remember our precious children who will never be forgotten and will live on forever in our hearts.

white oh I'm so sorry you lost 3 children, devastating.

I came to think that unborn babies are kindly taken away by God, so he can look after them, rather than let them suffer on Earth as they would have been possibly very ill, in a lot of pain.

a few days after the ERPC my DS3 just came out with "mummy I know Yasmin is happy in Heaven, but I still wish she could be with us!"
my thoughts exactly! btw he was only 4 at the time.

It's so hard. and your most recent loss is so fresh - I'm not surprised about you being worried!

have you had 20 week scan? are you having any special tests?
and do you know the gender?

ah the wait! Yasmin was due on 3rd of May , then DS5 was due on 1st May a year later.
every appointment, scan etc was agony as being almost exactly a year on.
my weirdest worry was that I just didn't want DS5 to be born on the 3rd. that day is dedicated to her.
I was so happy that DS5 was late and that I was still pg on the 4th!

I hope you have some techniques to take a break from dark thoughts, and take your mind off your worries if only for a short time!

btw I haven't worked it out yet how to transfer photos taken with phone into linkable pictures.
I know how to cut and paste them for say when selling on Ebay.
DH is working home from this week, I'll get him to figure it out, then I will show you my necklace!

oh yes i'd like to see the necklace, yes ive been to great Ormond street once already, under a cardiologist there, well the baby is.
and have the 20 week scan this week

just really really want this one too make it

oh and we don't know te sex, last time was saw it, at 16 weeks its legs were crossed, the dr was going to try a different angel and I said no, I don't want to know yet and that the baby doesn't want us to know yet, that's why its crossing its legs

Amazing my Dexter was born 21st of June last year and I'm getting induced this time on the 25/26th of June, my biggest worry(well one of many) is that this baby will come on the 21st. I so want that to be Dexters special day.

White I can't believe it's your 20 week scan coming up, it's flying in, although I bet it's dragging for you. Do you think you'll find out the sex if they can tell you or will you keep it a surprise? I found out at 16 weeks as I felt I wasn't really bonding with this baby.

hi myfive, well we went out for tea tonight and dd said look at your big round tummy mummy
I said oh yes too much pudding
but its getting ridiculous now

I don't know about the sex, i'm not sure I want to know, but perhaps it would help with the bonding
I just don't think I wanted to know at 16 weeks
dh did though

yeah it does seem to be dragging for me.
just so full of worries, try to distract myself from the worries but as you it doesn't really work x

Hi My5 congrats on your baby as well.
so do you have 5 boys including Dexter?

A friend of my lost their DS when he was 3 months old. already had DD.
when she got pg she found it difficult to answer the question "is this your 1st? "
I mean what can you say? no, my 2nd? well that's just not true. plus when she did she felt utterly guilty as if he had abandoned him or similar.

but to say 3rd was equally painful, especially with the follow up questions.
I think she got eventually round that by saying "well, it's my 2nd daughter", which was true.

I wonder how these things are for others, what your responses are..

I normally don't count her in. I think that would be to confusing for my kids.
Also my oldest said that while he's sad about her not being born and does think about her sometimes ( aw, I didn't know that!!!) he wouldn't want to be reminded all the time.
which I think is a fair comment.

and there's of course the fact that sometimes it is just less painful to say we have 6 kids and keep the full truth to myself, then to try and explain that I had 7 pgs, but one of them sadly didn't make it etc.

how far along are you my5?

I'm 35 weeks now, but will be induced at 37+2weeks. This will be my 6th boy.

I'm dreading the hospital stay tbh, you know what it's like on the ante/postnatal word. All the mums talking, is this your first baby, is it boys or girls you have etc. I don't want to talk about Dexter with strangers but equally I don't want not to talk about him. I asked the hospital about the possibility of a private room, but they can't guarantee it, so may have to insist on having my curtains closed at all times. They don't like you having the curtains closed however so don't know what I'll do.

Also dreading that first night in hospital with the new baby on my own without Dh, think I won't sleep at all. I have my breathing monitor but it makes a clicking noise every breath the baby takes and sounds alarm if no breathing in 20 seconds, don't think I'll be popular on the ward at night if its making a noise.

oh white can you not tell her yet?

I understand you want to keep her from getting overexcited, but there's just so much joy in expecting a baby, even if you are worried!

And of course there's no way of telling whether she would get worried about baby or you, but perhaps her knowing it could make a positive difference?

I'm guessing she will suspect something soon anyway

Hello, all!

Myfive I have said so many times, "No, ds4 is not my "baby", Sylvie-Rose was my baby but she died"
"Yes, I have four boys. I had a little girl too, but she died"
"No, I don't just have boys. I had a little girl but she died"
I have to say it, because I can't leave her out, I say it so automatically now, and sometimes people looke so shocked or as if they think they've put their foot in it. It is awful, isn't it, that questions that used to be normal for people to ask, now become a minefield for us to answer.
I hope they will put you into a private room. Do explain to nursing staff if they don't, because I think nurses can be very sensitive to these things, possibly more so than doctors or hospital management.

Am a bit worried about ds4 at the moment. He has a dodgy-looking optic nerve and I don't know if it's serious or not. I am hoping it isn't but have an appointment tomorrow to find out for sure. He is so very precious to me, always was, and I don't want anything bad to happen to him.

My5 I'll be there with you, if you need me!

I hope you'll get a private room - I'll certainly pray about that too!
If not, just close the curtains if you need to.
You're not there to make friends (sorry, bit harsh but true) and you have every right not to be pressurized into chatting if you don't feel like it, for whatever reason!

I'm very self-assured with stuff like that and will be more than happy to encourage you!

chipmonkey
so sorry for your loss!

poor DS4, I hope he's not in pain.

are you seeing gp or eye clinic?
so worrying indeed.

Thank you amazing I could do with a tiger mum, as I find it hard to assert my self.

For Dexters birthday, we are keeping the 4 boys off school/nursery, Dh is off so going to go out for the day. I've ordered flowers in the shape of a 1 for his grave and we're going to have cake and balloons.

chip I think I need to have an answer ready when asked these types of questions, but I just feel so awkward and can't get the words out.

Seeing a paediatric ophthalmologist. I am an optometrist myself and knew ds4 was longsighted and had been watching it but think I lost track when dd died. Anyhow, he failed his school screening. I didn't speak to the nurse who did it, she left a voicemail for me. but I tested him at home first ( I run a little clinic for children with learning difficulties) but coudln't get a good look at his optic nerve. Brought him into work where we have a fundus camera there and got a fright when I saw his left optic nerve.
Now it might be just a slight underdeveloped nerve, which wouldn't be great but not the end of the world either. But sometimes it can be a sign of brain swelling. Now, he is otherwise well, so am hoping the former. He is my little buddy.

Myfive, Dexter's birthday sounds like it will be lovely. Of course it won't be an easy day but it is so important, I think, to the other boys to remember their brother. Because he will always be their brother, no matter what.

well my5boys, tigermum is at your service!

when are you going to name change to my6boys?

nitenite sweetie pies! x

as some said upthread or elsewhere the build up can be way worse than the actual day itself.

sounds like a lovely day!

we have a Pink Day on the 3rd May to remember Yasmin, which involves eating pink cupcakes with strawberries milkshake!

1st year felt like the strangest birthday party - all the stuff but no birthday girl!

I'm slowly getting used to it.
I can see her as a 4 year old little madame, pink skirt, grazed knees, cheeky grin.
I imagine her with blonde curly hair.
I miss her dreadfully.

Morning girls xx

morning Shabba!

Weird day!! After Matts accident the school gave me a painting he had done. They put it in a frame for me. He had won first prize for his painting of the Sunflowers by Van Gogh. They also got a print of the original picture. They framed it and put it in the entrance hall to primary school.

It has a little plaque underneath with the date on and something like 'Matthew - our friend.' The school has been extensively renovated recently and, luckily for us, one of the ladies who cleans there messaged me. She said that they were decorating school and they were going to throw the print away

Then I realised that 21 years have passed - none of the teachers are the same and the only people who go there who remember Matt will be his class mates taking their children to school!!

So today, this very kind lady, is bringing the print to me to keep. I dont know how I feel about it. It gives me a weird feeling that the entire world has kept turning and I have been stuck in time. Im dreading our meeting to be honest. Not seen this lady since Matts accident.

To most people they would think Im over reacting and ever so slightly barking mad Just gives me a weird feeling.

shabba have you seen her yet?

how sweet of her!

I don't know how I would feel either, bit of a blast from the past.
you are not weird though.

(just a thought, a Father's Day present?)

and the stuck in time thing - I left my hometown when I was 23, and lived in the UK since.

so much changed since, that every time I go back it feels more and more alien as I didn't "grow" with the changes.
so it's like my life there stopped at 23, but my new life carried on here and it's just a different version of it that's running.
IYSWIM. .

like in Sliding Doors.

I hope you are ok. x

Oh, shabba! I actually think it's dreadful that they would think of throwing it away! Matt was still a pupil at the school and even it it's his grown-up pals who are bringing their children to school, or dammit, even in 20 years if some of them are bringing their grandchildren to school, that painting still has a place there.

Ds4's eye is OK

shabbs, it seems strange to me that they should taking it down, they decided to put it up as an honour/mark of respect, you don't imo really turn around after a certain amount of time and say oh that's coming down now, as its just defeats the object of doing it in the first place

I mean we don't take statues and things down do we.

i'm not surprised it has made you feel quite strange, do you think its worth asking the new head if it can remain, or would you prefer it returning to you?

nice that lady contacted you about it though x

chip, glad to hear ds4 eye is ok.
great news xx

shabbs, it seems strange to me that they should taking it down, they decided to put it up as an honour/mark of respect, you don't imo really turn around after a certain amount of time and say oh that's coming down now, as its just defeats the object of doing it in the first place

I mean we don't take statues and things down do we.

i'm not surprised it has made you feel quite strange, do you think its worth asking the new head if it can remain, or would you prefer it returning to you?

nice that lady contacted you about it though x

chip, glad to hear ds4 eye is ok.
great news xx

chip good news about his eye!

Well - the Sunflowers print is home and not half as weird as I thought it would feel. Keep reading the words at the bottom of the frame...In memory of our friend - 1992. Its much, much bigger than I remember and has not faded at all in the 21 years it has hung on the walls at primary school. To be honest - it is really lovely. xx