As we go through this painful journey together

[lavandes]

As we go through this painful journey together we share, cry, scream and shout but we never judge, we know that there is always someone to listen. We always remember our precious children who will never be forgotten and will live on forever in our hearts.

also your DD making a heart sounds lovely xx

it doesn't sounds at all morbid to me, it sounds like a lovely way to remember Nathan Jarett & Stanley Christopher,
alot of people i know say the build is worse than the day itself, so your probably right in the thick of things atm
getting some plants that flower each year is a lovely idea.
we planted a mini tree in our garden, we didnt have alot of space as dds garden toys take up loads of space, theres a playhouse, swing and slide multiplay thing and a hude trampoline, its more like a playground.
so theres no space for a large tree, but, we got a mini apple tree and planted it in a big oak barrell, we planted it last year for ds
and its going strong, and i'm not green fingered either, what i like is you can do things with it throughout the year to help ds feel part of things, like at christmas, we decorated his tree with christmas lights, looked lovely
and at easter we decorated it with eggs and chicks and dd likes helping and it helps her feel included
then we had the blossom that was beautiful, which is just about falling off
and then we will have the apples.
perhaps if you have space you consider something liek that?

yeah dd made a little heart on cardboard and we glued it to a bamboo skewer, so she could put it in the ground.
then we covered it in sellotape, to help it last longer with the rain etc

aw that sounds so lovely - I especially like the idea of decorating the tree and the blossom must be genuinely stunning. unfortunately I live in a flat
:( (about the size of a postage stamp) so a tree just wouldn't be an option, unless I stuck it in the loo :), it would be a great idea when we eventually move out though. x and yeah definitely in the thick of it, going to talk to DD tomorrow to see what she remembers, she talked about them quite a lot in the early days and she saw them when they were born but since shes been at school she has stopped. shes at a stage when she thinks that every present, balloon etc (you should see her when she plays pass the parcel) is for her and I'd rather not have a tantrum when we get there. x

Ah I see, yes it might not fit too well in the loo.
Yes something for when you move out maybe x

How old is your dd? Mine is five, almost six, she talks about ds a lot, only yesterday she was saying what she's sad about, it was stuff like she was looking forward to showing him her baby toys and playing with him etc
Theother day she said it was sad ds died as she would have liked for him to come to school with her in the mornings, I think she means the school run.
She has been really really upset about ds and its effected her a lot more than most people realise. Hardly anyone has ever asked how dd is coping with it.

she is 3 and a half nearly - her birthday is in January and she was nearly 2 and a half when it happened. I know she was very young to know what was happening back then but because there was so much stress around my pregnancy (scans every week, London ever fortnight, Southampton every week, she couldn't bounce on me, I couldn't really pick her up and cuddle her) and I got MASSIVE - if we hadn't of mentioned anything it she would have known anyway. she has always been very intuitive anyways....

it is so horrible for the children who have to go through this and the Dads too. my DH just felt invisible for a while because everyone was asking about me. I keep telling him to talk (and he does talk to me) to other people who have been through what we have but he wont.

I feel so much for your DD xx do they make special allowances at school for her I hope that they do??

Its 31 years since my twin baby boy died and almost 21 years since my DS3 Matty died. Please believe me that the build up to the day is far, far worse than the actual day itself xxx

Morning girls xx

Morning x

Evening, all xx.

Morning girls xx

Have had to get up - DH has a barking cough - GP says its his Asthma - went to bed about midnight and DH is still trying to get to sleep. Its going to be a long day

morning everyone

shit feel low today, got really really upset yesterday, i know its my issue, but my mum and dad have suddendly decided to put photos their grandchildren up on the walls, they had photos of me and my brothers on our wedding days, then underneath they have now put a photo of their grandchildren
so under my brothers theres his kids all hugging
under my other brothers theres his kids hugging
then under my and dhs theres dd smiling, its a lovely photo of her, but it just really really upset me as it seemed so obvious dd is on her own, and when i saw photos of them all on the walls it just screamed to me ds is missing
and i know i will feel sad everytime i see this wall of photos, but its my mum and dads house and if they want to put these photos up fair enough i guess
but it just made me feel so sad, that my dd looks all alone, compared to the rest
and i just look att hem and think ds is missing

kate, dds school have been pretty good, she was iin reception when we lost ds, and her reception teacher was probably a bit more aware of her emotional needs
her year one teacher is lovely, but he doesnt seem to really really get it, like when it wsa db birthday, dd was getting upset alot at school, over silly things, it was ds she was upset over not xyz
but her teacher didnt seem to get it really, even though i tried to explain it
hes very nice and a good teacher though so feel a bit mean sayign that.

thinking of Nathan Jarett & Stanley Christopher today xxxx

Oh White.....bloody pictures - I know exactly what you mean. I used to hate it when my DS1 was at primary school and on photo day (when all the other children in the family can join in) he would have a picture on his own and I cant even explain the jealousy I felt when other peoples twins were both on the school photo!! I have had to move a portrait that a friend did for me of Matty. Its so like him that it freaks me out!! The friend has captured his eyes perfectly - my grandson is quite frightened because he says 'No matter where I stand Uncle Matty is watching me!'

All I can say is 'cling to the 'photos' in your memories. I can still see my boys in my mind and thats all that matters.

Sadly its another hurdle us Mums have to try and climb. xxx

Sucky day x sent their balloons off but that's all I've been able to muster so far today x going to home base in a bit to get their plant and lighting a candle for them and us all this evening x if I don't have a breakdown that is X
Rip Nathan and Stanley x I can't believe its been a year already x love and miss you always xx

Thinking about your boys and all of your family xx

Thank you shabba x just been to home base and got three cacti (because there fairly easy to keep) one for each of my children x also went to the harvester for a bite - a few kids were having birthday meals and I felt sad but it also felt right in a weird way x my daughter has been keeping me entertained singing her little songs as she hates seeing me cry x also found out that my brother has dedicated his art exhibition (for uni) to the boys, today x

Thank you White too xx

kate xxx

sounds like you remebered the boys in alovely way today

shabs, i know theres no easy answer, as at my inlaws theres a photo up on their wall, when i was pg with ds and his twin, i was about 9-10 weeks, and i was as sick as a dog and miserable as i was so ill, and every tiime i see that photo i feel sad
so i really can't win.
i have photos of ds in my house
and we have a whole photo book of ds photos
just another one of those shitty difficult things to deal with, its the weirdest stuff thats so difficult i find, things you could never think of

Kate, thinking of you and your lovely boys Nathan and Stanley today. Sounds like you had a peaceful day.
Much love
CM xxx

Morning girls xx

Afternoon all. kate I hope the rest of your day yesterday wasn't too difficult. I'm sorry I wasn't on here for you, but I certainly had Nathan and Stanley in my thoughts.

white I like shabba's advice about photos and memories. I am conscious that we only have photos of Mia around, and none of Finn.

kate your kind question about how I am made me think. It is now 19 months since Mia died. So long, but so recent too. You made me realise that she is still so very much part of my present. Finn plays with her toys, and her little milestones are discussed alongside his, and we say she has taught him her high-pitched scream!! She has shaped so many of my friendships, on MN and in RL. We have Mia's Wood and Mothers Instinct as part of her legacy. Mia has changed my life, and for that, I are strangely grateful... So thank you for helping me work this out.

Morning girls xx

Morning - everybody OK? x

Morning Shabba. All ok here, but a bit sad. Finn and I are off on our trip tonight, leaving MrMia here by himself. It is a big responsibility, and he will miss us both horribly. It will be lovely to see family, and I am excited about that, but hard knowing he is back here alone. I am also somewhat apprehensive about seeing friends whom I last saw more than two years ago, when I did a similarly joyful trip when they met Mia. Not sure how I am going to react to their grief and sympathy, on top of their happiness for us about Finn. It might be tricky. And I am missing my little girl.

Sounds like a kind of 'bitter sweet' trip xx Sorry to be nosey but where are you going? It will be lovely to see family though xxx