Support thread for anyone grieving for a parent

[mummylin2495]

I have done as maybe has suggested and started a new thread.My comp dosent cope well with long threads.

[waiting] how horrible of your friends not to be there for you. We can be your friends here, i talk more to you guys then any of my friends.
[mummylin] let us know how it goes going through the phone, hope that wont be too painful for you. I wish i had something like that, i have video of her at christmas and new year 2011 though, although it kills me to see it but then some days i can see it and say hi to her.
[movingonnow] what a time you have been through, so very sorry to hear about what happened with your dad. Im sure your dad is looking down on your little boy with you, but i know that really doesnt help.
[galaxymum] i was wondering where you were. Glad you got the closure from the inquest, although i can imagine was painful for you at times. I sometimes wonder about when they took my mum in if they moved quick enough and what they done, but my god if i was to find out something could have been done or we could have {although i know we couldn't} it would kill me... But I always get that little nag from time to time.
[ssd] i will PM you hope your ok hun x

Hope everyone is ok, least we are over christmas and the new year although ive got April coming up which is when we lost her, god sake just mind blowing how the hell she just died on us.

My dad was so depressed on the day before new years and new years eve and the day after, i was so worried about him, i have to say i was drained from all my energy, he is doing ok, but when he has these dips my god he goes down, i am pleased he is seeing cruse in February. He was massively strong through christmas though. Im always there for my dad and i know my mum still is for him and she helps me along sometimes with guidance what to say and what to do.

Thinking of us all, hugs xx

I lost my mum just before Christmas. It's hard to describe how I feel....empty...bereft...like I'm missing a limb. My dad having died some 5 years ago means I am an orphan...I don't mean to sound dramatic but I feel really alone even though I am married and have children. My safety net has gone and there is only me to take care of me. I have had to come back to work this week, I work a long way from home so have a long daily commute. It's only been 2 days back and I feel exhausted already. I can't sleep more than a couple of hours at night even though I am desperately tired all the time. I miss her all the time, it feels like there's a huge stone in my chest, heavy and aching. My enthusiasm for life and everything has gone, I'm just going through the motions. The last couple of weeks seem to have passed in a blur. My older siblings took control of the funeral arrangements although I was consulted (but then mostly ignored). I didn't have the energy to argue and mum wouldn't have wanted that anyway. Mum had been very ill for a long time with one form of cancer after another and it was truly dreadful to see her waste away. I feel selfish for wishing she was still here with me because she had been in so much pain. But I just feel so sad all the time. The rest of the family seem to have gone "back to normal" with life just carrying on as always. I'm going through the motions but my heart isn't in it. Ideally I'd like to just stop working and pretty much hibernate for the next few weeks or months. I daren't take any more time off due to risk of redundancy and am in a financial muddle already, don't want to make things worse. I just can't believe I won't see her again, talk to her, laugh with her, that no-one will ever call me "my baby girl" again. Thinking of you all on this thread and hoping you each find the strength to get through the days ahead x

Oh HoneyKate I'm so sorry to hear your news. How you're feeling is very very familiar to me. It does begin to get easier to function day to day, but you are still in the very early stages of grief where you need to be kind to yourself and allow yourself to feel how you need to feel. It's so tough to lose a parent, but to have lost two is very unfair.

My Mum died from lung cancer after many earlier illnesses. I wouldn't want her back to suffer all that she did, but oh I wish she was still here. She is missing so much

I hope you find some comfort on this thread - you are surrounded by people who have experienced the same or similar bereavement. We're all trying just to get by.

honey, I know exactly what you mean, I'm now an orphan too...there's just a big gap in my life where my parents should be/were....your experience sounds a lot like mine, my siblings went back tot their lives and work and hardly missed a beat, I feel like I've lost a limb too, the hole mum has left is just enormous...the routine I had visiting her and sorting things out for her has gone and I'm just spinning around with no direction...I feel like I've got no purpose now

the ache I feel when I think there is no home town to visit now, the first time I haven't been able to go there in forty odd years, is terrible, words cant describe it

and what makes it worse is I feel no one of my friends or family has a clue how bereft I feel, my cousins and friends still have their mums and are living in that safe bubble where your mum is there at the end of the phone and you can discuss your childhood and dad with her and she knows you and your past inside out as she shared it with you

when that's all gone and there's no one to remember things with its just terrible

I don't want to live in the past, but I cant wipe it out like it never happened

how do people move forward? I suppose in time it'll all ache less

sorry didn't want to ignore everyone else, still thinking of you all xx

I think this year is going to be really hard, I was just writing dates in my new diary, all I can see is mums birthday and the day she died and her funeral staring out at me

she's been gone nearly 4 months now, feels like a lifetime, like I last saw her another life ago, last visited her village a million lifetimes ago...I've been since, but its too hard, there's no one there I visit now, I just drove through the streets that are as familiar as my right hand and drove away alone

its just all too sad xx

struggling so much and nobody seems to understand why :( I wish I was in any way religious or spiritual I would give anything to believe that she was somewhere out of pain. I miss her so much.

ssd i too have no idea how people move on.My mind is just constantly on my mum,the weekend that she died and everything else that followed.I have been clearing out the spare room where i have my comp and desk etc and found a bag with the little tapes that you put in your video recorder.I have found a tape that says mums 70th !! i am happy to of found it but i cant watch it as i dont have the adapter that you fit into a video player.But i know that i also have normal videos of my mum but have not yet been able to watch them.I think i am too frightened to as it will be so upsetting ,but on the other hand thank god i do have them for the future.
waiting I also cant bear the thought that my mum is nowhere, and like you religion does not play a part in my life.I wish i could believe that mum is waiting for me somewhere and that i will meet up with her and my sister one day.I know my mum dearly hoped it was true so she could be reunited with her youngest daughter.But ....... i dont know for sure this is what happens.
thinking of you all and hoping each day is better than the day before xx

mummylin, I'm reading a very good book called "motherless daughters"that a very kind mnetter sent me, it describes really well how some people move on and some don't, it calls us types who don't move on so well "sensitives", being generally more easily hurt and in tune with others feelings....this describes me well, probably you too...and also explains how we all keep in touch so well on this thread, thinking of each other and hoping for the best for everyone, we're probably all "sensitives"

waiting, I don't want to go on, but I feel all of our mums and dads are somewhere and its not a million miles away, we just cant see them any more....but they definitely don't just disappear for ever...I hope you get a feel of your mum soon xx PS I'm not remotely religious either x

im the same I wholeheartedly believe our loved ones who pass on do not leave us and stay with us, guiding and looking out for us.
I have had some concrete in my face things happen since my mum has passed there has been a lot that has gone on possibly coincidence but I don't think so. I have had the odd white fluffy feather and the most strangest thing is that feather was bone dry sitting on my decking and it had been pouring with rain for days hadnt stopped raining so that was very strange. Me and my mum spoke about feathers though in the past as I got one a few times after we lost our dog after 14years which again was upsetting as he was like a massive part of our family.

But I respect we arent all going to believe in these things
Some days though the spiritual belief is very hard and it just isnt enough. xx

It's a comfort to know I'm not alone in my grief and sorrow but equally I am sorry others are sharing this dreadful pain. My mum believed there was "something" in the afterlife as I asked her before she died. She said she believed she would be reunited in some form with her parents and brother. I so desperately want to believe that it's true - if I don't believe it's true then it means I will never be "with" her and dad again and that's too awful to contemplate. But how can I make myself believe it when I am so full of doubt? We are not a religious family but I find myself wondering if going to church or speaking to a vicar might help (this is so unlike the normal me). Mum promised me she would send me some kind of "sign" if she possibly could, this was something we spoke about quite a lot. But I have felt no sense of her presence at all since she died and have had no dreams of her although I wish I could. I have to start clearing her belongings next weekend as the house owner wants to start renting it again and I am dreading going back and seeing all her personal things, her hairbrush, handbag, glasses etc....I can't bear it.

oh honey, you aren't alone in your sorrow, please trust me in that, you've got lots of friends here holding your hand, virtually at least!! A lot of us here have lost both parents and are feeling as lost and lonely as you will be just now, I think clearing out your mums stuff will be very hard, I hope you have someone close to you to help you?

re signs from your mum.....in my experience things fall into place gradually, sometimes things will hit you square in the face, other things are more subtle. I have realized the signs I've had from my mum have all been to do with birds.....and birds was something very close to her....but I've only realized this over time.....when you feel something you'll know, it'll be very personnel to you and your mum......I hope so anyway, I can only speak of my experiences but its helped me a lot.

hugs to you xxx

HoneyKate i feel so sorry that you now have to do the clearing,it is one of the hardest things to do.I found myself keeping so much of my mums stuff and i still have lots of boxes of it here which i will go through when i feel able to.Maybe you could get some storage boxes ,the big plastic ones and just take all the personal stuff home until you have decided what you want to keep.I have my mums bag,her phone,her comb ,glasses book she was reading and numerous things as well as lots of knick knacks she kept, all her knitting wool and sewing stuff.Oh so much i can tell you,but i will sort out out one day.My siblings have all had a lots of things from her house and i expect there to be some more when its sorted out.I even have scraps of paper that mum had written stuff on , just to keep her close to me.Good luck with it.
.Tomorrow i am swapping computers over so if you dont see me for a few days its because its all gone wrong ... or i dont know what to do on it !!! Love to you all x

honeykate Thinking of you and just to let you know although been said before you are not alone, we are all with you from all our different areas over the country sending you love and hugs.

We are here for you and like Ssd has said I too believe they are around as the same as you said the alternative absolutely obliterates me. Im the same as ssd random robins, random songs on the radio, ask for a sign honey kate and hopefully if not straight away you will get one, it maybe something you get a strong feeling about things you shared with your parents, or a coin, I kept finding beads although i hoovered my floor and my me and my mum would always make bracelets she would with the girls 2! But I would find beads a lot.

If you need a chat on that side of things always here for you. I read a lot on the internet about the white feathers and also signs.
I have also smelt perfume and I also have had my name called a few times.
Thinking of you, like I said though the spiritual belief is there for me but its hard some days as I want her here physically!! (((hugs)))

Hi ssd pm'd you hun xx
Mummylin - I know what you mean about things still to go through, i kept a lot of my mums and ive got to go through it all, its going to be hard again to do, but i want to get a nice box to put the special bits in.
good luck with the computer!! xx

Thanks so much for your kindness ssd, mummylin, t875. Just wondering if anyone else was having any mind/memory issues. I was in a meeting earlier today and found I couldn't verbalise at all what I wanted to say, the words just wouldn't come, i was stammering and "er"ing like a fool. Can grief do this to a person? I feel that a lot of my confidence has just disappeared. My colleagues are aware of my loss but I still felt very embarrassed and self-conscious.
My sister will be at the house with me at the weekend and possibly my brother too. They are fairly practical, non-sentimental types, I will be the one not wanting to see anything moved from its usual place. I know it will be a tough and tearful day but I guess it will be comforting to bring a few of mum's things home with me.

Mummylin - I found a few of mum's handwritten shopping lists in my bag as I used to shop for her once a week. I also have a couple of recipes in her handwriting which I treasure.

Hi Honeykate - yes i remember it well my memory still isnt great now and thats after 9 months. After my mum passed I couldnt work for 3 weeks as I seriously was all over the place plus there for my dad.

Good luck with the clearing that was a very hard task, but I have got some lovely bits which i know she would be over the moon that ive and my girls have got.

Here if you need us. x

Well..I am ok.... sad and not much motivation but im trying to stay above the water, but i feel very blah......doesnt help that i havent got work and i can only part time which is hard to find.

Really finding hard to motivate myself :-/ I think its going to be hard leading up to April and still cant believe one day we spoke next she was gone and also is it normal for me to think back to this time last year and it was possibly the start of the slippery slope of illness although we would never have known sad
She was on sleeping tablets the night before and was slurring her words but we put it down to the tablets as she was like the night before, but she had a full conversation with my dad before bed, i just feel i could have saved her and its killing me feeling like that. But eveyone is telling me there is no way I would have known with her, i was having a normal conversation the day before about dinner and having a laugh! My eldest was playing me up hormones etc so i was chatting with her about that, but i did get a chance to say what a great mum she was and how hard must have been without her own mum which she appreciated a lot, was weird how i had that deep conversation with her literally on the eve of her passing. sad

Thinking of you all x

was meant to be sad faces!! Whats up with my computer!

have been doing ds memory box with some things from when we were clearing out. cards, photos, perfume, stubs from day out , headscarf, teddy and a book with memories in. his last wrapped present bought with mums Christmas vouchers of a st Christopher pendant for when he reaches teenage years. I am miserable, really lonely and the next person who rattles on about back to normal now is going to get chinned .

Giving you a hug waiting, bless you! Its nice to do these things for our children isnt it, but it kills inside and makes you miss them even more.

Im the same, i actually feel like Im in a smog again and feel stressed!!

i find it amusing you are blessing me for threatening to chin people It is certainly very hard putting it together but i dont want him to forget her. Hoping you feel better too, if you want to put the world to rights give me a pm

Hi everyone!

HoneyKate - don't underestimate the effect grief has on you, both mentally and physically. IMO it's entirely normal to lose confidence, I know I have. When the rudder of your life goes, there must be a period of readjustment, where we find out who we really are, not just daughters IYSWIM.

I can't help with the sorting things out - Dad is still living in their bedroom as if Mum is still there - her clothes are still neatly folded at the bottom of the bed where she left them... My gut feeling though is keep what you feel attached to if you have space to store it - there will be plenty of time in the future to go through it when you feel able.

Mummylin - hope we see you back here asap and that the computer move went uneventfully!

t875 - the what ifs are hard to deal with, but I'm sure your Mum cherished your last hours with her and knew how much you loved her.

I wish we could bring them all back, feels so unreal that they're not here. I don't think I ever really understood the finality of death before losing Mum. I've had pets all my life and of course they have died but somehow that is easier to bear/understand. Does anyone worry about how their dcs will cope when they go through this? I find myself worrying at night and feeling so guilty that dd is an only child - I pray she meets someone who truly loves her who will be there for her.

Waiting - here here about getting back to normal! 'Normal' doesn't exist anymore, that's what is so tough.

hi girls....yes maybe, I worry about my kids feeling like this when I go....BUT I've also tried to turn it around and thought, even if I went tonight (God forbid!!)I hope my kids would know I will always love them, no matter what, even if we dont say it tonight (although we always do!!), what I mean is, for those of us suffering from the "what if's" and "what I wish I could have said", our mums/dads knew we loved them, same as we knew they loved us, we just know this for sure, even if the last few times we seen them wasnt perfect/what we would wish for in hindsight...they knew we loved them, I'm sure of this.
Also I'd hate for my kids to suffer grief, I'd love them to remember me with a smile, not an ache...although us humans arent made that way, are we

I'm going to look out a poem that was said at mums funeral, it may give you all a little bit of comfort

xx

Yes you are right. No one can take away our love for our parents and their love for us. It just seems a long way away sometimes...

I think dad is struggling. February 20th is their year apart date. He is doing a lot of listening to You Tube songs from their past and he says they make him cry Dad is such a stiff upper lip type of person - doesn't show emotion or talk about emotions, so this is very new for us all. I don't know how to help him, just ring regularly. i hate that we're 200 miles away and he wont come and stay...

hope your dad is okay maybe , i worry about mums husband alot. we live in the same town but we havent seen him since before christmas i think he finds it too hard. I hate to think mum wouldnt want him to be lonely but then he seems to want to be left alone so what can you do.
Not having a good day today really just keep running over things, i wish i had my life back to how it was 6 months ago things seem so empty without her

Have got a busy week and can safely say i cant be bothered with any of it.

HoneyKate. Hi, my dad died in December. It was a relief in many ways as he had dementia for 5 years and the last 3 months when he was in hospital were truly awful. I think I am coping quite well with his death in that I am finding it a relief to be able to get on with normal life and I have issues with my youngest child that I really need to concentrate, so his passing gave me the freedom to do just that and I am grateful to him for going when he did. But, yes, the memory thing. I met a friend for coffee this morning, realised I had left purse in my car and then went back to get it and realised I had left my keys in the loos in M&S so then had to go back in there and they were on the floor of the cubicle! Luckily for me I am a sahm, well I do work a bit from home, but I don't have to put a front on for anyone. I think it would be awful being with people all day asking me how I am. I'm sure it's all part of the process. I have felt no sense of presence of my dad in my own home, apart from one experience the night he died, but I did feel it at their bungalow the first few times I visited my mum after he had died. Though when I go there now, I just feel a strong sense of him being gone and that is very hard, the physical non existence of him is very strange and I had 3 months of getting my head round the likelihood that he would die. If it was an unexpected shock it must be very hard indeed. I also had overwhelming tiredness before and after he died but I am finding this is starting to lift a bit now, which is a relief.