Support thread for anyone grieving for a parent

[mummylin2495]

I have done as maybe has suggested and started a new thread.My comp dosent cope well with long threads.

ssd I don't actually think it will ever make sense.You have obviously been very badly affected and its going to take quite a while for to to recover from your devastating upset.But you will reach a point ,we all will when we can finally accept what has happened and move on with our lives.It is all so difficult because we loved them so much.No matter how much we wish / pray for life to be as it was it never will be again and this is what we have to accept.life will go on but it is going to be a different life we all have to adapt to.And we all will,some us quicker than others ,some of us needing more time.We have no choice.Until then we can carry on giving each other support and having a moan if we need to xxx

t785 To tell you the truth always on my birthday me and mum would go to the crem to take flowers for my sister as its her birthday too.A long time ago I made a promise to my mum that I would also tend my sister's grave as for some strange reason no-one but us ever went there.Now that mum is there too [ next plot] I have two to tend to,as long as I can breathe I will always take care of them both.My brothers will go on the important dates like the anniversary,mothers day and birthday but the rest of the time it has been left to me.No point in me saying anything so I will just do it.My other sister lives too far away to go there at all.The day after our birthdays is my grans anniversary so you can see why I don't like 5th and sixth of feb,so that always mars my birthday now.I should say that two of my brothers will take mum flowers on important dates but I have another brother who dosent bother and that does annoy me actually.But I have to keep quiet or there will be an upset in the family and I don't want that at all.So for a change I am keeping quiet !!!! very unusual

well thats nice you tend to them mummylin, i must admit i miss somewhere like that for my mum, im definitely going to do a little garden this year for her.
what will you be doing with the flowers this time??

i know what you mean with the loss, there are days when i just cant believe it still and it hits me like a brick really difficult, but then there are times where im not too bad now, i certainly didnt believe it atall when people said it will get a bit easier as it has. But my god i miss her and everything about her, but if i seriously go down that route too much it polverrises me. x

Night everyone xx

sorry for disappearing ds has been poorly so has been more clingy than usual. I went out of town yesterday and on the way back me and my sister and nephew popped up to the cemetry to check the flowers were still good. i dont know why but all the grass on the other graves has grown back but not mums its all tutfy and odd looking.Am wondering if she secretly hates grass, on a different note that can anyone help me grow it back? what do i need to do. some bulbs have gone in i cant wait for it to be more colourful up there it looks bleak. I hope to find more comfort up there when it is nice enough to sit and reflect not sink into the floor. My sis asked my little nephew where nanna and he pointed to the sky and waved bye bye when we left. broke me that did, i wish she had more time with her grandsons. she loved them so much and its so unfair that she wont get to be a part of their lives other than what we tell them. We bought them both a st christopher pendant with her christmas vouchers for when they reach teenage years. days like today hurt so much :( ds has been poorly and i really needed advice, i picked up the phone like i always would then realised what i was doing.
Hope you are all doing okay, or if you are having a maudlin day like me it passes. x

Hi waiting, with the grass question, i think grass seeds but not sure how long it takes, failing that can you get away with digging a little square out and putting down turf? It sounds nice what you done though.
Hope ds is better soon, its hard when they are ill and we arent on par ourselves.
Ive picked up the phone a few times and it kills, i still do just speak to my mum though, and ask her for her advise, and and come with me to places although i scream sometimes answer me too

went for interview and it was me typing up case files for people that have come out of prison or who are going in..i was like errr no thanks! That was going to be a heavy job, were talking very serious crimes.
so back on the drawing board, was a nice place though, but you know when you are not going to be able to do a job and i knew that was the case with this, i hate reading newspapers with them stories let alone me working in a job involving it.

Hope everyone isnt too bad today thinking of you all! Thank god the suns out!! xx

Hi everyone
I haven't posted for a while as I've just been feeling so down, although I am reading your posts. I hope you're all doing ok and getting through the days as best you can. It's so incredibly hard and painful. What T875 said, I can't even think too much about mum right now, I just want to cry all the time. Her home is empty now, being decorated and waiting for new renters. Clearing it was incredibly hard and painful because everything was there as normal - but not her. Empty chair, empty bed. Her dressing gown still hanging on the bathroom door. Unbearable.

I think thats the worst part of it honeykate, i would love to go back and have a bru with mums partner just so he doesnt feel totally alone but dont want to go back in there where she isnt anymore.

I still find it hard to walk in and see my mums personal belongings, my dad still has her coat hanging on the peg in the cupboard and it kills me, i have hugged her clothes so many times. This definitely is very hard still even after 8 months! I have got through but its been tough today, my youngest had a big thing happen at school a special award and i soo want to tell my mum, all i could do was show her and lift it up.

Honeykate i try not to think about my mum to deep in the missing sense otherwise it obliterates me I can think about her generally some days laughing and memories. Thinking of you, it really is such an awful time.

Remember CRUSE are very good. They have helped me in the early days, they also have a 24 hr help line where you can just phone them. They were great and still are i have had 2 sessions and my lady is i believe been sent by my mum to help me as she truly is an angel of a lady x

waiting We too have to do something about the grass because there is a big tree which overshadows mums grave and there literally is hardly any grass there at all.It has never grown properly on my sisters either.My brother said you can get different sorts of grass seed which we will get to see if that will help.Not sure what sort of seed it is though.other than that we can always put a few sods of turf there.As for making it look less bleak,there are little pots of daffs now available in the shops,it may be a good idea to buy some of those and transplant the bulbs to the grave and they can carry on growing there.My aunt does this for her garden and they grew fine last year.I have planted winter pansies and hyacinths there for the moment.hello to everyone else hope you are all ok.Its a fine sunny day here today but its freezing cold !!

I agree with you honeykate, clearing mums flat was way harder than the funeral, seeing things she and my dad had for almost 50 years and throwing them away was totally painful - cutlery she had since getting married in 1950, the ironing board she got 20 years ago, the things I'd passed onto her over the years, her clothes, all bought by me from places I've worked in before having my kids, or more recent from local places to me, so so many small and personal things, all put into plastic bags and given away , as you say, her nightie still in her bed and her dressing gown on the hook behind the bedroom door, her glasses beside the paper from the day she died, folded at the tv listings, which is amongst the many things I've kept...I could go on and on...its just so so sad

I kept some of her clothes just so I could smell her from them,but the longer they are in my house the more I'm losing the smell of her, I bury my face to get it but its disappearing now

Clearing my mum's house is so draining. It's lovely to find little treasures to keep and have memories but clearing the mundane things is really upsetting. Mum's baking trays, whisks and chip pans. Things that are every day but mean a lot yet i don't physically have the room.

Since my birthday I just feel so down. Things hsve been difficult at school with my DD and I need my mum to talk to and can't. Just nothing I can do. I just miss her with all my heart.

I'm sorry galaxy, I really am. I know what you mean about the wee things, its just heartbreaking throwing things our mum used all the time out...I think its the most painful thing I've ever done. It makes me look at all my things differently, I'm getting a bit morbid now, when I see things in charity shops I just think "they belonged to someones mum now they are for sale on a dusty shelf". Someone very close to you dying changes how you see the world doesn't it

hugs to you xx

galaxymum and ssd that is exactly why I have so many containers filled with my mums stuff.I could not bear to throw anything out,I have all her cutlery including her special potato knife,which im never going to use.Oh I have so much.It is so sad when you look at everything they used to use.I even kept the tea towel which she was using at the time she died.I know that one day I will really have to sort it all out ,but for now everything is staying right here.I bought a book for my kindle yesterday after seeing a mum on the tele yesterday morning whose daughter had been killed.There is a certain section where she states about the lack of support from her family as like we have all said,people think we should of " got over it " It seems that what we have said is a classic example.She said in the book that she got huge support from her friends.that is why this thread is so good to have and it also proves that what we have said about dh/brothers / sisters /aunts etc seems to be the normal thing that happens to a lot of people.xx

Galaxy mum feel for you so much. (()) its massively hard I still don't find this easy some days. Especially where my dad has her shoes in the same place in the cupboard it's like she is just going to come through the door and im beyond sad somedays still.
I went though a time With my daughter so if you need anyone to talk to pm me, we are ttyrough the other side of this but I know it is not the same as the chat with your mum, my god I know all about this one, I've said it so much lately I wish I could talk to you. I still do talk to her but I get really frustrated sometimes I not get an answer, but then I do answer and I know what she would say and I almost hear her advise I. My head but it's sooo not the same.

I have got so much stuff of my mums as I didn't want to throw it, the girls have some too. I've got to go through it all over again, although I homed a few of them. Plastic pots which my dad didn't want I have actually used for lunches and salad/ fruit for the kids for school I bet she loved seeing them used xx

Hi to everyone else, will be thinking of you ssd xxx

you are absolutely right mummylin.

I found a poem online and I thought of you all

hope no one minds me posting it, I dont mean to upset anyone

"
My grief is like a river,
I have to let it flow,
but I myself determine
just where the banks will go.

Some days the current takes me
in waves of guilt and pain,
but there are always quiet pools
where I can rest again.

I crash on rocks of anger;
my faith seems faint indeed,
but there are other swimmers
who know that what I need

Are loving hands to hold me
when the waters are too swift,
and someone kind to listen
when I just seem to drift.

Grief's river is a process
of relinquishing the past.
By swimming in hope's channels,
I'll reach the shore at last."

thanks to all my fellow swimmers here, you've really helped me when I needed it

xxx

I remember when my mum had been gone about a month my dad called me at work and said he had found a letter she had written to us all.

It felt like I had been punched in the gut!! That moment was worse than the funeral for sure!

I also remember after she had been gone a few months attending a work out class (me and mum used to do them together years ago) and there was a lady there with white hair who may have resembled mum a little bit. Bitterness hit me.....how come she was there and my mum wasn't. Another gut punching moment and I got through the warm up hoping no one could see my blubbing.

Even now, 2.5 years on I get the odd moment when I just feel sick at the thought that she is gone....I have no mum.....ever again!!!!!!!!

Her mum died in 1980 and there was not a day went by when she didn't think of her. I never really got that, not till I lost her anyway!

This is a poem I wrote for my mum....made it up one night when I couldn't sleep.

A daughters grief:-

63 days have come and gone
Since I saw your beautiful face
9 long weeks since you broke our hearts
Moving onto your heavenly place

In my life there?s a gap which can never be filled
In my body a constant ache
Try as I might, I cannot understand
Why my mum, the Lord had to take

Where are you my darling, please give me a sign
For you I look everywhere
The sun on my face, is it you? Please be you
Is your kiss the wind in my hair?

The day that you died Mum, I think I died too
I?m not that same girl anymore
On the outside no different, I put on a show
But inside I feel dead to the core

I held onto your hand as you slipped away
For you the next journey begun
I?ll miss you for ever and want you to know
I?m so blessed that you were my Mum

I hope that you know Mum how much I love you
And will till the day that I die
Until we next meet and I know that we will
I?ll say Au Revoir , not Goodbye

A poem for the best mum there ever was

thats so beautiful, betty, thanks for posting it for us all

xx

Thanks for sharing the poems Betty and ssd, they are really true words xx

hi t875, I've been to the bank and closed mums account. Before I went I took a drive around the area where I'm from, especially the countryside, where they used to do a lot of walking, I always feel a bit more connected to them there. When I was in the bank I just kept thinking "you still have them, you still have them"....but there was a bit of lip biting going on!! Luckily the counter assistant was really nice, she did ask why there was once another name on the account and I just said " it was my mums account but she has passed away, it was a joint account as I did all her banking", she just said that's fine.

Then I went to M&S and bought myself a dozen red roses (£6, not bad!), a nice fruit salad and a can of wine spritzer, which I'll have later.
The roses are at the window in the red vase I bought mum, I hope she can see them...I bet she can.

xx

Both poems bought a lump to my throat. They both sum up how I feel too.thank you both.
On a different note I had some very good news today from my dd.she does shopping ,ironing etc for old people who have carers but stay in their own home. She arrived at one of her old ladies today and the carer was shouting for help. The old lady was choking on a piece of beef. My dd put her arms around her and managed to dislodge the meat. She had been turning blue ! the lady said to my dd " how can I ever repay you ,you have just saved my life ".the strange thing is that normally my dd goes to her on a thurs but because she was having new carpet laid yesterday she went today instead. Thank god she did .!

wow!!!! well done your dd!! what an amazing thing she did, she must be very proud of herself!!

great story, fantastic!!

ssd im sure she can see them flowers, good for you getting them and treating yourself, i bet your mum was loving seeing you do that too. Love the idea of the red vase, i bet the flowers look lovely

Im glad the bank visit went as good as it could do, was thinking of you xx

mummylin - wow how amazing of your daughter!!! My god thank god she did go today!!!