'What the caterpillar perceives is the end, to the butterfly is just the beginning.' Our journey after Beatrice

[cupofteaplease]

Beatrice died on 24th October aged 1 year, 1 month, 1 week and 1 day. She was buried on 2nd November. As she starts her new life as a butterfly, we are left on the ground feeling bewildered and bereft. I read a short piece at her funeral, and I stand by it:

'I often felt that being Beatrice's mum was much like holding a butterfly. I was in awe of her beauty and felt so privileged that she had chosen to come to me. But, much like a butterfly, I knew that one day she would spread her wings and fly away.

When Beatrice was one day old, a kind stranger shared this poem with me, and it sums up how I feel about Beatrice:

"A butterfly lights besides us like a sunbeam. And for a brief moment its glory and beauty belongs to the world.
But then it flies once again, and though we wish it could have stayed, we feel so lucky to have seen it."

I feel so lucky to have been chosen as Beatrice's mum and I truly believe that the immense grief we must now suffer is still a small price to play for the love she brought into our lives.

Goodnight Beatrice'

I still feel her love in my heart, but I am struggling without her in my arms. I miss caring for her and kissing her. Looking at her and stroking her hair. Singing to her, always singing so many songs. I haven't sung a song since she died, but I don't want the music to leave my life as it means I have let the grief win.

Fly high little butterfly, but please don't forget all of us left behind who hold you, still so fragile, in our hearts and memories. Please don't forget me, Beatrice x

Coming up to 7 again now, and thinking of your loving routine, very moving, very lovely.

Lots of love for you and the teaset, and I will think of you at this time.

Hi Cup I haven't posted for a long time but have been lurking. I

Sorry. Just wanted to say how often I think of you and Bea and how sorry I am for you all to have to miss her so. X

what a lovely routine. what an amazing family. what a good, magical, love-filled little child - what a poor world it would have been with her never having been here spreading her magic.

I was telling DH about your trip to Lourdes earlier. I loved the pictures of your 3 girls in the high meadows.

Hold those memories close Cup, and treasure what you had.

Hi Cup
Haven't posted for a while but have been thinking about you. I hope your howling wilderness is starting to abate somewhat and your DDs are helping to show you that there are oases within it.

You are so strong, I know you can find the strength now to live without Bea as you did live with her. She is never gone, though - always with you and your family, in your hearts and minds.

Much love xx

Hi Cup, I haven't posted in a while. I feel like everything I want to say to you will just annoy you and I don't want to do that. I do think of you pretty much everyday and wish I could bear some of this pain for you. Good Luck for Thursday, lots of love & strength xxx

Such a lovely bedtime routine Cup.

Oh Cup.

((((()))))

I wish I had more and better words.

Thinking of you.

Just stopping in to say that you are often in my thoughts and prayers xx

still thinking of you Cup xx

Thinking of you at the difficult loving time, Cup

((Hugs))

Remembering your lovely little girl the hoping you're finding life bit more bearable. xx

I don't know what to say, but I think of you and your family often. x

Cup, remembering you in these dark days

I too think of Bea, she is not old news at all. I thought of her today when my dd spoke of butterflies dancing on a mountain top. It is a long and sometimes lonely road you are on, somewhere along the way you will find joy again in the meantime there are many people her who will listen to anything you wish to say.

Still here. Thinking of you and remembering your Beatrice

Beatrice has become a bit of a Mumsnet 'legend'. Her picture pops into my mind (what a sweetie) often when I am feeling contemplative, and if I'm in church, I say a little extra prayer for her.

She has touched so many people - and we haven't even met her, so I can only imagine what a beautiful spirit she had to those who knew and loved her. We won't forget her and her story, and that is a very special thing - thank you for sharing such a private and precious thing with us all

You should be proud that your little girl has touched so many people.

Not sure if I am spiritual, but someone once told me that my late fathers 'job' in heaven/beyond/whatever you call it, was to meet the new young spirits and get them 'adjusted'. He would have adored to meet Bea - all us girls in the family looked similar to little Bea.

Thank you for remembering her, it means so much. 3 months today since she left me. It's hard to picture her face some days, she seems so far away. The pain reminds me of her, at least when I am hurting I know she was real. Sometimes I think I dreamed her up, like I never could have been given such a beautiful gift, how could she have been real? People don't talk about her, so she feels even more dream-like, as if my memories are just products of my imagination. I love it when people talk about her but I know it makes them sad and uncomfortable, so they don't.
Dh took a picture of her grave today as I can't bring myself to go there. It is covered in snow which she would have hated. She didn't like being cold, and when we gave her some snow to hold last winter, she was not impressed! I hope she's not ashamed of me, that I don't go to her grave. I tell her I'm sorry, that my hurt bruises and twists when I go there, that Daddy is better than me. I hope she forgives me for being selfish.
I sleep clutching one of the last dresses she wore. It hasn't been washed, but it doesn't smell of her anymore. Those scents are long gone- banished into Forgotten, where I'm not allowed to visit.
Bad day today.

You don't need to go the grave to be near her, it doesn't make you anything less than your DH or any less loving as her mum. She would never be ashamed of you, you were the perfect mother for her.be kind to yourself.

Beatrice isn't cold at her grave. She's home warm and safe with Our Father and you will see her again. Beatrice's life was a miracle, a gift. The time now is a hard one when you hurt so much but I believe with everything in me that Bea is safe with God and you will see her again one day. I wish she was still with you here on earth, where you loved and cared for her so well but I know that she loves you still. Love goes on.

'Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never fails. But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away.'

I don't expect you can find any comfort in those thoughts now. In a future at indeterminate time, a future that relies only on faith in things we cannot see on earth. That's ok. The God I know and love loves me as I am, in my faults, in my hard times, in the times I scream that I do not understand and He loves me as I am. I know he loves you too and if your faith struggles now, don't fret because I have enough faith for you too and there are lots of others standing with me and we're not letting go.