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Original poster

'What the caterpillar perceives is the end, to the butterfly is just the beginning.' Our journey after Beatrice

855 replies

cupofteaplease · 06/11/2012 21:05

Beatrice died on 24th October aged 1 year, 1 month, 1 week and 1 day. She was buried on 2nd November. As she starts her new life as a butterfly, we are left on the ground feeling bewildered and bereft. I read a short piece at her funeral, and I stand by it:

'I often felt that being Beatrice's mum was much like holding a butterfly. I was in awe of her beauty and felt so privileged that she had chosen to come to me. But, much like a butterfly, I knew that one day she would spread her wings and fly away.

When Beatrice was one day old, a kind stranger shared this poem with me, and it sums up how I feel about Beatrice:

"A butterfly lights besides us like a sunbeam. And for a brief moment its glory and beauty belongs to the world.
But then it flies once again, and though we wish it could have stayed, we feel so lucky to have seen it."

I feel so lucky to have been chosen as Beatrice's mum and I truly believe that the immense grief we must now suffer is still a small price to play for the love she brought into our lives.

Goodnight Beatrice'

I still feel her love in my heart, but I am struggling without her in my arms. I miss caring for her and kissing her. Looking at her and stroking her hair. Singing to her, always singing so many songs. I haven't sung a song since she died, but I don't want the music to leave my life as it means I have let the grief win.

Fly high little butterfly, but please don't forget all of us left behind who hold you, still so fragile, in our hearts and memories. Please don't forget me, Beatrice x

OP posts:
Northernlurker · 11/12/2012 22:49

I was thinking of you too tonight Cup.

isawginhagnickingsantasbooze · 11/12/2012 23:02

Cup, I don't think I have posted on your threads before and I don't have anything to say that could possibly make you feel better.

I'm so, so sorry that you lost your beautiful Bea. Your love for her shines out in every word.

I have never had such an urge to put my arms around a complete stranger. For what it is worth I'm sending you love xx

MiaAlexandrasmummy · 12/12/2012 05:42

cup yes, the nothingness is so hard to deal with. But you are showing the strength of spirit we all know you have by simply existing, let alone socialising and ensure your girls have a lovely Christmas. That is really quite momentous. A year ago, I could not have done it. MrMia and I ran away from Christmas. You are facing it head on. Because of your huge capacity for love for your children.

I promise that as each day passes, things will become a little easier. The pain of losing Beatrice does not disappear, but you somehow integrate it better. I was scared I would forget Mia. You don't. All the memories are there, and you will find them in unexpected moments, and they will make you smile.

One step at a time, one breath at a time...

Trumpton · 12/12/2012 08:19

Oh Cup . I feel so much pain for you . I went to a Christingle service on Sunday and as I watched the rapt faces of the children illuminated in the candlelight I sent a prayer for Bea and love to you .
Be gentle with yourself and one foot in front of the other ... Little steps my lovely .

Learning70 · 12/12/2012 13:20

Hi Cup. My story is completely different to yours. My dad died last week so of course we are facing a funeral before Xmas, and other issues ongoing with my son who is SN (but not ill). You have been through so much and I am not comparing my situation to yours, but this is what I am doing to survive right now - the bare minimum. I know I am not myself but like you, I am keeping on top of the basics. I have a few unpleasant meetings and appointments to get through as well as the funeral and that's pretty much all I am focussing on. Of course kids presents are bought, tree is up and I am going to tiptoe my way through the whole thing. I think it's perfectly ok to feel the way you do. Keep talking on here to everyone, even the bad stuff, let it out. And don't disappear over Xmas, keep talking it through, I'm sure lots of people will continue to look out for your posts through the season - and will you through it. You will get through this, it will always hurt but you will get through. It's a gorgeous day today, the best kind of day, frosty and sunny. I would normally be out there for a walk or a run, but I can't do it at the moment, all I can feel is the cold. But I know I will get out there again. You will too. If I've said all the wrong things I'm sorry, just want to try and help you through it.

frostyfingers · 12/12/2012 14:11

Cup, you have had hardly any time to "deal" with a year's worth of ups and downs, it's amazing that you are doing as well as you are. Surviving is all you can do right now and that's what you are doing. I can not imagine the pain you feel, but know that you are doing your very best - please don't do yourself down and think you are failing, you're not.

saffronwblue · 12/12/2012 21:17

Thinking of you cup. There is nothing wrong with just going through the motions to survive. The loss of Bea has been so huge, there aren't enough words or tears.

Hassled · 12/12/2012 21:22

My heart breaks for you - I'm just so sorry.

fluffypillow · 12/12/2012 21:27

So,so sorry you are going through this cup. No words I can offer will make you feel better, but just want you to know I think of you and little Bea often x

Carrotcakeisace · 13/12/2012 11:28

Cup I have nothing to add, other than to say you are in my thoughts and prayers. No one can take away your pain, althought we all wish we could but you are held in so much love and light and I hope you feel it around you as a comfort in the dark

SaintVera · 13/12/2012 15:19

cup I am so sorry for your emptiness. Life with my disabled son who died in July, was always adrenalin-fuelled. His behaviour was challenging, so every outing came with anxieties. Then there were appointments, visits from OT's, social workers, physios, all the committees I sat on for my son and so much more..for 16 years.

I always knew that despite all the immense stress of life with him, he kept depression from my door because I was too busy to be down.

We don't only miss a child with all our hearts and soul, we miss a meaning and a role in life. Sometimes I longed to be a 'normal' family but I hate it now. I sincerely hope life starts bringing us joy eventually xx

thewhistler · 13/12/2012 23:34

Cup,

Well done for keeping going at all. Your dds will unknowingly appreciate it. The discipline of keeping up outside appearances is very useful.

But use this thread to rant and storm and weep at the unfairness and hollowness of it all and the blanks.

Do try to look after yourself too and find some time for you, unless that is unbearable and business is the thing that keeps you going.

How is Mr Cup? Is he using work still as his shield?

You are in my thoughts and prayers too.

TCOB · 16/12/2012 20:02

Thinking of you and Bea so often, Cup. How are you and your Teaset?

Trumpton · 17/12/2012 04:50

Middle of the night post again . Sending you love and strength through the dark miles x

MNPdoesYULETIDE · 18/12/2012 14:15

Thinking of you Cup

Another Butterfly joined your Bea nearly a month ago, we get to say our farewells to her this week, her DD will have lots of people to tell her stories of her Butterfly Mummy, as you have stories of your Butterfly Bea to tell.

bishboschone · 20/12/2012 09:38

Another one thinking about you cup .

JustFabulous · 20/12/2012 13:27

DD has stuck several butterflies on her drawers and every time I see them I think of Beatrice and your whole family, Cup.

Original poster
cupofteaplease · 21/12/2012 15:46

Feel so sad and lonely. Dh is back to working all hours so I've got no support at home. I tried to meet up with a couple of people today but they were too busy, so I've had no adult company all day, just bickering children who can't do a single thing they are asked.

I hate Christmas this year. I've had to do all the bloody present buying and wrapping myself (nothing unusual, but a bit of support from dh wouldn't have gone amiss this year).

I'm pig sick of reading FB statuses about people's excitement for their babies' Christmas presents etc The only present I could buy my baby was a decoration to put on her grave.

I want to run far, far away and never come back. I hate what is left of my life.

OP posts:
JustFabulous · 21/12/2012 16:27

[[[hugs]]] pointless I know but I have no idea what to post as nothing can make you feel better.

I could say how I feel when I read your posts but that doesn't help but maybe actually it does to know total strangers are thinking of you and are so so heartbroken for you.

If you can't tell dh you need help, could you text him? Let him know how you feel and what you need from him.

The children are excited but still need to do as you say and however you need to make that happen, do it.

Sorry if this is just a load of annoying rubbish.

DutchOmainthestable · 21/12/2012 16:30

When will the children be in bed?

thewhistler · 21/12/2012 16:31

Cup, am about to pm you.

Will think of you over what is often the most heart rending season for many people.

InExitCelsisDeo · 21/12/2012 18:38

Thinking of you Cup. My heart aches for you and your loss.

Badvocsanta · 21/12/2012 18:44

Oh cup :(
I haven't posted for a while but you are constantly on my mind, especially now as Xmas approaches.
Please please be kind to yourself x

beckyboo232 · 21/12/2012 18:46

My heart breaks for you cup. I want to write something useful but. There are no words to help i sadly know but if there were I would say them. sending love and strength i will be thinking of you x

janey68 · 21/12/2012 19:51

Cupoftea, I am so so sorry you are having to live without Beatrice. Your life does have meaning: for your other two children, your husband and also for yourself. It's not the life you would have chosen but it still has meaning even if you can't feel it now.
I hope the dark cloud lifts and you feel some glimpses of sunlight soon