'What the caterpillar perceives is the end, to the butterfly is just the beginning.' Our journey after Beatrice

[cupofteaplease]

Beatrice died on 24th October aged 1 year, 1 month, 1 week and 1 day. She was buried on 2nd November. As she starts her new life as a butterfly, we are left on the ground feeling bewildered and bereft. I read a short piece at her funeral, and I stand by it:

'I often felt that being Beatrice's mum was much like holding a butterfly. I was in awe of her beauty and felt so privileged that she had chosen to come to me. But, much like a butterfly, I knew that one day she would spread her wings and fly away.

When Beatrice was one day old, a kind stranger shared this poem with me, and it sums up how I feel about Beatrice:

"A butterfly lights besides us like a sunbeam. And for a brief moment its glory and beauty belongs to the world.
But then it flies once again, and though we wish it could have stayed, we feel so lucky to have seen it."

I feel so lucky to have been chosen as Beatrice's mum and I truly believe that the immense grief we must now suffer is still a small price to play for the love she brought into our lives.

Goodnight Beatrice'

I still feel her love in my heart, but I am struggling without her in my arms. I miss caring for her and kissing her. Looking at her and stroking her hair. Singing to her, always singing so many songs. I haven't sung a song since she died, but I don't want the music to leave my life as it means I have let the grief win.

Fly high little butterfly, but please don't forget all of us left behind who hold you, still so fragile, in our hearts and memories. Please don't forget me, Beatrice x

Your writing moves me to tears Cup.

Your vast love for Bea is clear for all to see. That will never die, neither will what she and you have taught us all.

A beautiful poem Cup for your beautiful little girl. I haven't posted for a while, but I still often think of Bea. I don't think MN will ever forget her - she touched so many of our hearts.

Such beautiful words and as always, moving me to tears...

I thought of you all throughout the day on Saturday... a month since your dear little Bea fluttered up and away ...

Sending hugs ...

I am back from my few days away and wanted you know that I have been thinking about you. X

Thinking of you xxxx

Today I had to take dd1 to the hospital for an appointment with her ENT consultant. It was the first time back there since Beatrice died. I saw 2 of the play specialists as I drove by, then during dd1's consultation, a doctor poked his head round the corner. He looked at me for a second too long, then retreated. It was the doctor who certified that Beatrice had died. Of all the doctors in a large hospital...

I hated being there without Beatrice. My arms ache for her. I physically yearn to hold her. I keep looking at her photos- I can't believe her beauty. I can't believe she's gone. I hate that I couldn't save her. I held her as she died in my arms and a mum isn't supposed to do that. A mum is meant to make it all better. She trusted me and I let her die.

I'm so sorry Beatrice. I'm so sorry I couldn't make you stay. And I'm even more sorry I couldn't go with you. We did everything together and now you're voyaging alone. I hope you aren't as lonely as I am. I miss you so much. So, so much.

A trip back to hospital must have been, and obviously was, very hard on you Cup. I know everything you're feeling is a normal part of grieving but please try to be kind to yourself and remember that you really did do absolutely everything you could possibly have done for Bea. And then the rest. You really did, Cup. She could not have asked for a better mum.

We've all said this before because it's true but I really do believe she came to you for a reason and that is that no-one could have either loved her more or seen to it that every single moment of her life was filled with love.

Try and remember that.

With love xx

That must have been so hard for you and you are so brave to have taken your daughter to her appointment . Just one more way that you show us what a wonderful mother you are . Nobody loved Bea more than you and nobody can make a poor tired body go on no matter how strong the love . She is not voyaging alone, you know, she is still surrounded and cocooned in her family's love .

Cup, like you, I was so worried and sad that Mia was alone, not in my arms where she should be. However, my father gave me an image which I still cling to, about heaven, or at least another place, and maybe it will help you too. He suggested that parallel universes do exist, and perhaps Mia is with MrMia and I in another parallel universe, being busy and happy. I would like to think that Bea is with you and the Teaset there too, being the stupendous, amazing little person she is.

Since then, I have had a dream where Mia was in a house with lots of children I didn't recognise, and while I was told I couldn't interfere with their playing, it was wonderful to see. It was incredibly consoling to see her. I do believe that perhaps I caught a glimpse of this parallel universe, as they were all so happy together.

I know this won't take away your daily pain as you miss Beatrice, but perhaps it might provide a little comfort in some way.

Cup,

Your poem expresses your love and heartache, and this searing post as well.

Of course you want her and to be with her, and will always want that. But you were the best mother for her, noone could have done more or loved her more. As much as you loved her, and love her, so the grief is deep.

Would the thought of Mary at the foot of the Cross help? You and she are together there, with every mother who has lost their child.

You did the best you could and there was no more that anyone on earth could do.

I will try to slope out at lunch and light a candle for you. If I don't manage I will light a candle in my mind.

cup you are so brave and that poem so beautiful. I pray that you may find some peace, although the pain and the grief will never go away, just like Bea will never go away.

I think as a mother you cannot believe that you are not able to save your child. It isn't natural to us. We would quite literally do anything to save their life. And the fact we couldn't is beyond us.

But you did everything humanly possible that you could. You know that.
We know that. And Beatrice knows that.

As another lovely mum has said Beatrice is tucked safely in your heart. Always.

You didn't let her die. You did everything you could for her and she knew how much you loved her.

Nobody but you could have kept her alive so long.

You gave her life, cup - two times over. You brought this magnificent person into the world, then you gave her a life nobody believed she could have - because you love her so.

And she is not alone, because your love is too strong and too powerful to disppear, and hers too. You are mother and daughter forever.

You didn't let Bea die. You let her live. When she was born the doctors told you there was no hope. How often did you feel they were just waiting for her to die? But you didn't settle for that. You made sure that Bea had a life full of love, new experiences and sparkly lights! None of us know how long we're going to be here. All we can do is make sure the time we have is as rich as possible. You did that for Bea. I know I can't begin to comprehend the pain you are feeling, but please be proud of the life you gave to Bea. xxx

Just wanted to say Cup that you let Beatrice live and in time I hope you will find comfort and truth in that.

Still praying x

Oh Cup, I am very sure lots of people join you in missing Bea's smile and large presence. Take care of yourself and your DD's.

Oh Cup, you did not fail Bea, you gave her the most amazing life, packed full of love and experience. I remember your first posts when it seemed she would never even leave hospital. Moajab is right you gave her the most amazing life. If I could take away your pain I would and I'm so sorry I can't. I can only tell you what you feel is a natural part of grieving and I know it sucks. I hope this might help a little

"The caterpillar dies so the butterfly could be born. And, yet, the caterpillar lives in the butterfly and they are but one. So, when I die, it will be that I have been transformed from the caterpillar of earth to the butterfly of the universe."- John Harricharan

Cup, you did not let her die, you willed her so much not to.
Of course no mother should ever have to hold her beloved child's body, but even when she had to go, you were right there with her.
The trip to the hospital must have been harrowing for you. How did your DD1 cope?
The physical ache of empty arms is the body's way of recognising what you have lost, just as your emotions are in turmoil due to your love for Beatrice having no target in this life anymore.

As ever, you are in my thoughts.
The fact that you are putting on foot in front of the other, being there for your family, writing so beautifully on here, is testament to your strength.

As a long-time Teaset lurker who worries about getting the words wrong: you fought for that baby. You fought for her, every second of every day. You fought for her every breath. You fought for her life. Please don't ever think you 'let' her die - you let her live.

Cup I lurk often & think of you & Bea a lot. As everyone has said you did not let her die. Look back at your very first post when Bea was born, you never thought you would bring her home yet not only did you do that you created a million amazing memories with her, you made that beautiful smile happen, you helped her live as long as she did, you did an amazing job as her mummy. Your love shines through in every post so please don't blame yourself you let her live x
Love & hugs xxx

Cup

My car is out of action and I took a taxi today. The driver got talking to me and told me about his son (Lee) who would now be 18 years old if he had lived. I asked him if his son had grown up in his mind and he said yes, Lee had and he derived some comfort from that. Lee was 8 months when he died.

There is an 'army' of parents out there holding their loss close to them. If you can, tell strangers about beautiful Beatrice. Most people will want to hear about her and that way, she continues to be part of not only your life, but the lives of others too. Beatrice may not be physically with you but she is part of this Earth's rich narrative, its story and always will be.......

Cup, also to say that this is a normal part of grieving, you did the best you could, she had a wonderful life with you, the best she could, but if course you will ask yourself if you or others could have done more. You couldn't have done so, but your reaction is that of every mother and every bereaved person.

I've added some of her last photos, and a couple of her garden.

I don't know why I am bothering to get in the Christmas mood- it's too futile this year. I just can't believe she's gone. I keep thinking I will see her again, it's driving me crazy. I just look at the lights and the happy families- we used to be one of those. For 13 months we were a happy family. Not anymore. I stood in the shopping centre on Friday where my dd1 was singing with hr school choir. I looked at all the lights and giants butterflies on display and cried. Right there in the middle of the shopping centre. I managed to dab my tears away and I don't think anyone saw. It's so unfair, why should all the other babies and toddlers enjoy Christmas when Beatrice can't?