"You Light The Skies Up Above Me, A Star So Bright You Blind Me" Remembering all our precious children.

[fioled]

For my beautiful baby Anabelle Violet, loved and missed to the moon and back, always xxx How hard we wish that you were here baby girl.

Twinkle twinkle little star,
Up above the world so high,
Like a diamond in the sky.

For all our babies and children, big and small xx

Expat - I read your post faster and faster hoping to not read what I knew I was going to. I have no words (other than swear words). Horrifying how things change in our lives in what seems like the blink of an eye. xxx

hello lovely ladies, popping in to give everyone big hugs.

I had my counselling assessment this afternoon with a very lovely counsellor. He said that I was let down big time by the system and somebody should have offered me counselling last year after I lost Sterre.
We've agreed that I can phone him back after I've given birth to this little one (I'm 37 weeks) and take it up from there. :)

If any of you are on my FB, and you post one of those photos of a child saying, 'I'm in remission,' or 'No more chemo', please delete or hide me.

Not because I'm not happy for that child, but because it reminds me that my child died of cancer and I find it really painful.

Thanks.

Oh, expat!

Someone on my facebook page posted a link to a blog about an amazing baby who was born at 25 weeks and is now a big girl who is doing well in school etc.
Because she was such a fighter, you know. It hurts like hell. And again, I am so happy for that family but it should have been us too.

thing is familes like that, that have come so close to losing a child should actually have more humility and compassion for all of us whos child cannot be fixed

somedays i think im getting angrier and angrier...

with other people insensitivy

hi by the way !

Yes, because if you're not a 'fighter', you die, right?

Those fucking photos are a dagger to my heart!

I feel like taking a photo of Aillidh's grave with a piece of cardboard over it that reads, 'Aillidh - 0, Leukaemia - 5' since our entire family as it was died thanks to that fucking disease.

Or, 'No more chemo for me! I was in remission when it killed me.'

anyone else been asked by oxford university to take part in a study they are doing?

its called listening to parents, they are working in partership with sands and bliss, to improve care for parents that experience stillbirth or neonatal death.
i had a letter a few week back asking me if i would take part.
and this week a large envelope arrived, i haven't opened it yet, i'm building up to it.
apprently they will use the information for policy makers and drawing up guidelines for care.
and to improve things for parents like us
quite odd that oxford university would like my opinion on anything[never thought i'd see the day that would happen] and sad this is an area of knowledge for me, but if i can use our sad experience and loss ot help other parents that will go through this i will certainly do it

so far everything they have sent has been very carefully and sensitivly worded
here this i site link to the information about the study

I'd do it, white. I'm all about people in the same boat as we are, and trying to help them.

Why, why did our little ones have to die? Why our children? Why us?

I give up, there's no such thing as karma or fairness or anything like it.

oh yes i'm definatley going to help them.
just got to build up to opening it.
it looks very thick. from the envelope, but from what ive seen on the previous letter, i think they have taken great care over it. with all the wording etc
but i think i shall wait until dd is back at school, shes off next week.
and i'm trying really hard to put on a good show/my best brave smile

its actually one comforting thing, helping others, and supporting each other on here, on sands and in rl.
so even though it might be hard it might be comforting the thought of this will hopefully help others

i just don't understand why either.

and why will more babies and children die tomorrow and the next day and the next

as far as i can see it just all boils down to one thing
luck
its not karma, its not how good you are, its not how nice and kind you are, its not your turn,
it is simply luck

I'm really struggling with the story of the girl from Pakistan who has been granted 'a miracle' recovery from a catastrophic head injury. My boy had a catastrophic head injury (he wasn't shot btw, but that somehow feels worse) & the way he responded to the trauma (swelling) meant he didn't, couldn't make it. I am very happy for the young girl on the news & her family, & feel so cruel switching it over (or singing loudly :)) but I hate all the 'fighting', 'miracle' terminology. We fought, we prayed, we loved, so so much - but he's still not here with us. You're right white - it's just luck :(

Yes white it is 'luck'. How the cards are dealt and fall. My NN on here was karmathreefold before & after Tamsin died. I felt I had to change it. I found myself getting ridiculously angry with threads where "karma will get them" was spouted... I just don't think there is any great order to it. It's us humans who are comforted (and controlled by authorities) by the idea of 'karma'. At the end of the day nature is cruel - brutal - and we are things of nature... just with the ability to understand how damned cruel it is.

I read about a woman whose first child - a daughter - was stillborn the other week. She & her DH had been so excited, so looking forward to it. The woman died too. Her DH swears it was grief that killed her. She gave up the will to fight for her own life after her DD died.

Was she 'weak'? I don't think so. I don't think that living = brave, dying = weak.

When the failed induction resulted in an EMCS last year, after my womb ruptured, I knew that things were bad. As the machines bleeped & the surgeon became worried, people stopped talking to us, and emergency phone calls were made (along with extreme thirst & faintness caused by hypovolemia) I could have given up. I didn't, I was scared of not seeing DD1 again. I often feel guilt about that. I feel guilt that I wasn't brave enough to give up and be with Tamsin.

Thank you for putting it so well, Helyantha. There is no such thing as a miracle. It's luck and statistically, some people get lucky but the majority don't.

I am sick to the back teeth of all this 'battle' and 'fight' tosh.

Not having a good day. I want to lie in bed all day and just read or sleep and pretend this isn't happening.

oh, and I switch it over, too.

I switch a lot of stuff over.

expat, any chance of escaping reality for a while then? even if it's putting your other two in front of a favourite DVD and you can read or go to bed for a while? While I realise you have plenty of other commitments in your life, I don't think there is any shame in escaping when things are too much.

The whole 'fight' thing. It's really just a over-simplistic way of people trying to understand a very difficult, complex, uncomfortable topic. No-one likes to feel helpless. By 'fighting' or 'helping in the fight' people feel better. I just wish it could be that easy, and black and white, and life isn't like that. Life is unfair, and there is no logic as to what happens to each of us.

In the same way, as tami says, 'brave' doesn't mean strong, and 'weak' doesn't mean dying. It strikes me as odd that we are able to recognise heroic efforts in history, battles which are lost but the warriors are still considered noble and strong, yet in today's world, we don't grant people the same merits.

Which is so unfair. Especially for us. People like to life to be clear-cut. Yet it is not. We have to live with this knowledge every day.

For those of you with children still with you don't have a choice but to continue on, and you feel love and joy in their achievements, while simultaneously mourning and grieving for your beautiful lost children. I am finding that concept hard. I know I will love this little child growing inside me, but everyday, I love and miss Mia, and I always will. It is sometimes so hard to hold both sets of emotions inside. Part of our legacy of loss, I guess.

Not sure if I am making any sense. It makes sense in my head though!

yes its like when the lady int hegym said someone had stolen her purse in a shop
then said they will get there comeuppance

next time someone says that to me, i'm going to reply

wish it worked that that but sadly it doesn't
bad people get away with stuff all the time
and bad things happen to good people every day

mias mummy yes your making sense.

i think of it as before i lost my son, i used to think you could only feel one way at a time.
i used to be such a happy person, probably the sort of person who was pretty annoyingly happy

but now i understand you can feel happy, sad, angry, grateful, all at the same time

Can't really get away because my 3-year-old son is a lot of work. He doesn't sit still well.

DH is home from work, though, so he's taken him to the park. DD2 is in front of a DVD so I'll head upstairs and read 'The Pillars of the Earth' and nap.

Dinner's in the slow cooker, I just need to make the potato wedges.

YY, there is zero such thing as karma, comeuppance, what goes around comes around, miracles or unicorns.

I had an ex-boyfriend, dumped him after he told me this, but also, he's not a good person. Not a good person at all. He hit another car, driven by a 17-year-old girl, and killed her, his mates were severely injured, he came off with hardly a scratch and was acquitted of causing death by dangerous driving even though, really, he was guilty as hell. He never felt any compuction about it, either. I didn't even have kids at the time but I couldn't believe what a scumbag he was and dumped him.

Well, he's still doing fine, successful, great house.

And he's a twunt.

So much for comeuppance, he did that in 1984 and he's sailing along.

But he knows he's a scumbag, expat, doesn't he? And has to live with that knowledge, even if it's hidden deep down inside. I used to have fantasy conversations with the hideous people who bullied me out of a job I loved after DS's accident, but came to realise that they know what they did & every time they think of me or my family they can't think how kind they were but how unbelievably cruel they were to a grieving mother :( Perhaps that's the 'comeuppance'.

'But he knows he's a scumbag, expat, doesn't he? And has to live with that knowledge, even if it's hidden deep down inside. '

No, he doesn't, Hely. That's the thing about people like this, they don't give a toss and honestly think everyone else is at fault. Such people are like paper dolls, they don't have enough dimension to have anything hidden deep down inside because there is no deep down inside to them.

They're just twats. There's no comeuppance at all.

:(

i totally agree with expat, he wont realise what a twat he is at all

one many years ago i dated, for a very short time, a total twat, he actually told me about in his previous relationship, he used ot let his girlfriend drive his car, with his knowlegde,even thpugh she shouldnt have been driving for some reason, not sure if she had been banned or didnt have a liscenece, but for some reason she should not have been driving, she had a crash in the car, police got involved, he didnt want to admit he allowed her to drive his car, as he said it could have lost him his job.
so he told the police she had been driving it without permission

i do not know his, she sounded like a twat too, but he actually got her done for stealing his car when she didnt, and she was his girlfriend who he lived with, they had actually bought a house together

you should have seen how fast i ran away from him
and dropped him

then he started threating me when i didnt want to see him again, telling me he'd better not see me with anyone else, or else

starring at me when i was out, following me, threating me
was really horrible

i think he was a total twat/nasty bastard and i very much doubt he knows hes bad deep down inside

infact my dad could tell instantly he was bad, as my dad took agaist him, due to the fact he never used to walk me to my car when i left his house, i thought dad was being precious about me, but should have listend to dad that this guy was a knob, luckily i found out quickly what he was like

oh and he also cheated on his ex girlfriend too