"You Light The Skies Up Above Me, A Star So Bright You Blind Me" Remembering all our precious children.

[fioled]

For my beautiful baby Anabelle Violet, loved and missed to the moon and back, always xxx How hard we wish that you were here baby girl.

Twinkle twinkle little star,
Up above the world so high,
Like a diamond in the sky.

For all our babies and children, big and small xx

That's crap Expat, hope your moggy is OK on his recheck

Today has been ok - I have shed tears in the past for Mia, I have shed them today, and I will again in the future. In that, today is not any different from any other day... but I did wake at 3.10am, and was transported back to that time last year, where the doctors were giving Mia CPR and 11 doses of adrenaline. I slept fitfully after that.

Our day has been filled with wonderful FB messages, texts, emails and phonecalls, so many people sending us love, cocooning us with their own memories of Mia.

Here, the day was shrouded in mist, the autumn colours muted, as if to mark this day in a sombre fashion. We have planted the bluebells and snowdrops too, and saw how Mia's tree, in contrast to the dull greyness around us, was vibrantly glowing red - lighting up the field just as Mia did with her smile.

But I am so sad to hear the news of cupoftea and Beatrice. 13 months. How I wish we didn't share such a bond... it is not right.

I'm always amazed at how time can drag indefinitely or speed by in a flash, MiasMummy I can only imagine how today has been for you. One whole year. As always though, you find the most poetic way of describing your feelings and love for Mia. So glad that you have had an blanket of support and love today.

Thoughts with you, your husband, all your family and dear Mia today.
So many very sad losses as you sad.
But loss is the very high price we pay for love and sadly for some that loss is just so great, too soon, too young, wrongful in many ways.
But without love we are nothing....

I so wish Mia's mummy that the past could be rewritten, events undone, you never have had to found a refuge here.

But such love you have, you share and Mia's love ...
Thank you for sharing your beautiful daughter with us here.

Love and light. Xxx

white, I hope you don't mind I copied and pasted the beautiful poem you posted earlier, called one year, for another poster coming up to the anniversary of losing her mum

I think she'll appreciate it

x

and I'm so very very sorry for every one of the terrible losses here

I lost my mum recently and I'm living on another planet just now, But I know with absolute certainty it doesnt even touch how you are all feeling

ssd x

ssd, i don't mind at all, i'm glad you liked it enough to share it and i hope it gives whever your sending it to some comfort
i'm sure she will be touched that you posted such a thing for her.
i think if a friend sent that to me it would show me the person that sent it shows a real understanding of the pain, and certainly a massive willingness to try to understand and be supportive
i think its really nice of you xx

thanks x

Candle still lit here for Mia.

'The foreverness'. I like that.

That's what we are here for, to share the foreverness.

Much love to you, Mia's mum. :) ((()))

Ah, expat, you are wonderful. Everyone here is just amazing. You are all truly Amazons of the heart, as I have said before.

tami thinking of you and your lovely Tamsin Rainbow tonight. Please talk here if it helps.

We're a club no one would ever wish to join, none of us would!, but nonetheless, we're here.

And you know what, I support every single one of you, 100%.

When Aillidh died, three great friends were there. Two were the couple I've told you all about, whose beautiful son, their only child conceived after many struggles, died of Pontine's Glioma, age 19 months. Beautiful, amazing people, able to overcome their tremendous grief to be with Aillidh in her final days and at her death.

And really, his father put it best, 'There's no right or wrong when your child dies.'

There isn't, because there is nothing like it.

I can't do anything but try to be here for all those who are like me and assure them that I understand. 100%.

Morning girls xx Thinking about you today Tami xx

Miasmummy (((hugs))). I thought about you all day yesterday, in amongst sketching some pictures of Tamsin (very rough, I am hopeless at art).

This time last year I was no longer safe, though I didn't know it. I'm sure that Tamsin died late on the 24th/early 25th - though we never found out for certain till late on the 25th. This time a year ago, I was seeking reassurance from friends, as I was worried, but not yet panicking (she didn't move much in the day).

I feel so ashamed though. Last night I just wanted to sleep early. I read till I got sleepy, so I could go straight to sleep, and not lie there and think. Then DD1 wakes up. Every night she has demanded I sleep on her floor, for weeks (awful when you are ill) - last night was no exception.

I went in, lay down to try to get straight off, but she decided she wanted to hold my hand, and have me rub her belly. I kind of lost it . I was so angry with her, for constantly keeping me awake, and last night I didn't want to be. I was angry with her for waking me, for making me think. I called her a "horrible child" and then came downstairs, sat on the sofa & cried, whilst she called for me. I thought about leaving, just walking out.

After a few minutes on my own, I went back, got in bed with her, and we cuddled, but I was wracked with guilt. What if Tamsin knew what an awful mum I really am, and didn't want to be with me.

I love DD1 more than life (DS too), but yesterday & last night, her constant need for attention just made me irritable :(

Just been having a 'tip out' of drawers.....found this poem that someone gave me a few years ago.

The pain does not dissipate
It penetrates and hides within;
So that the world,
Seeing the outward smile,
The composed manner,
Hearing the tempered voice
Forgets.

Removing the mask,
Lifting the veil,
Peering behind the facade
Reveals a torment
The world has no desire to know.

Someone, and I dont recognise the handwriting, has written that out for me and underneath it simply says....'thinking about you, even after all these years.'

shabs that is lovely and too true!

Tami, I have had times when I have shouted at the boys and totally lost my patience and like you I've wondered whether Sylvie-Rose thought, "Feck this, I'm off!" and whether she is now appalled at how I sometimes speak to her brothers.

But I don't know one mother who hasn't occasionally lost it with their children. You are only human and there are times when they will push you to the limit. This morning ds4 lay down on the kitchen floor in his school tracksuit because I scolded him for not eating his breakfast when it had been put in front of him and then wanting it when it was time to leave for school. And then wailed "Mammy, I'm only four!" Just to make me feel bad!

Thinking of you all today Tammi. You're not a bad mother for losing your patience.

I often feel like I don't have the time to grieve/reflect/think about Cole because of the full on life I have with the boys. So sometimes when I want a moment and the boys are being demanding, I snap. It doesn't make me a bad mum, it makes me human.

It's a couple of weeks until C's remember day and I can feel the pressure building. I have been teary at some point during the day for the past few days.

There is so much that I want to say to cupoftea, yet I can't seem to find the words, which is just bloody ridiculous.

I remember our GP coming round in the immediate aftermath of losing DS & I kept saying to him, "I have no words".Words have always been my refuge (translation = I talk too much!) yet they deserted me & I still find it almost impossible to articulate the loss, the pain, the ongoing desperation of losing a child while still trying to be a good enough mother to others. That's why poetry (thank you Shabba & whiteandyelloworchid) can be so helpful.

Tami you're allowed to be cross! As Ilike says, it makes us human. Please don't feel guilty about it (())

Ladies, I hope you don't mind me popping in to say how great I think you are - you each have the biggest burden to carry and yet you support and listen to each other with endless kindness. I admire you so much. Just wish you didn't have reasons to run this thread xx

Thinking of you Tami. I have lost my temper with DD a few times this week, mainly through tiredness, so please don't feel bad. I sympathise with the sleep deprivation. DD was never a good sleeper but since D died the situation has deteriorated badly. It's like they sense a weakness and just exploit it. I often spend half the night stroking her back to get her to sleep while seething inside. I lost it a bit last night and stomped out of the room at which point she got hysterical and it took forever to settle her again. I need to tackle it but of course I'm so tired and fed up that I lack the will to take it on and so it continues.
chip I had to laugh at what your ds4 said. They have a knack of saying just the thing to make you feel bad, don't they?
I have the most awful cold and it's just adding to the general feeling of doom. I genuinely feel about 104 years old at the moment. So run down. And when I look in the mirror I just think the last six months have really taken their toll. Ugh.

Tami - the night before my twin baby boy Gareth died was a really bad night. He cried and was so restless. Finally got him to sleep about 6am. By 7.45am he was awake and crying again. I changed his nappy, put a clean babygro on him and tried to feed him. He refused his feed. I took him in our bed and lay him next to me. He screamed more and more. In the end I lost my temper. I said (and may God forgive me) 'For Gods sake Gareth, please shut up and go to sleep.' His beautiful big eyes looked at me and he whimpered. I put him in bed between myself and my hubby....we both put our arms around him and I said 'Im sorry sweetheart, I am so tired.'

All 3 of us went to sleep.....about 10 minutes later I woke up and he was fast asleep....pink and warm and smelt lovely. Within seconds I realised he was not breathing. What happened from then on that day was horrific. The police interviewed us and I told them I had killed him because I had shouted at him.

I have toyed all day as to wether to put this on here but feel I should. I love all four of my sons - they are my entire world.....but I lost my temper with that little lad that morning. I have 'come to terms' with it over the years but I wanted you to know that we all lose it at times - all of us. xxx

Tami, you're a human being and mum, not a saint or a robot! Don't beat yourself up. It happens. As chip said, there's no parent who hasn't become cross with their children at one point or another.

shabba, thank you for sharing! I got cross at Aillidh more than once in the nearly 8 months I lived with her in hospital. I think it's natural - she was in strict iso most of the time we were literally caged up with each other 24 hours/day, with interrupted sleep every night.

oh shab xx

shabba I'm sure you don't need me to tell you that you don't need forgiveness from god or anyone. Gareth's last moments were spent in the loving warmth and safety of his mum's arms xxx

Thank you xx For many years I thought it was my fault. I know now that its not. I was beyond exhausted. I had to say it tonight....fuelled by a bit of cider of course!! xx