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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

"You Light The Skies Up Above Me, A Star So Bright You Blind Me" Remembering all our precious children.

999 replies

fioled · 25/08/2012 11:45

For my beautiful baby Anabelle Violet, loved and missed to the moon and back, always xxx How hard we wish that you were here baby girl.

Twinkle twinkle little star,
Up above the world so high,
Like a diamond in the sky.

For all our babies and children, big and small xx

OP posts:
Bluetinkerbell · 10/10/2012 09:59

MrsY I returned to my postnatal group as well, like chip said, the ladies on there are such a support.

I will start up a thread later, need to dash off to my first counselling session today too...
Where do you think is the best place to start on in? Don't really want to stick it in bereavement...

Mia like chip said, it will be a special wave of light for Mia on the 15th to support you and your family through the inquest. x

MrsY · 10/10/2012 13:36

Mias, I totally agree with chip and Blue, the wave of light is meant to be on the first day of the inquest. It will shine a light on you all, giving you knowledge and you need to ride the wave and go where it takes you. I will be thnking of you, Mia and the baby, and sending such love.

Good luck wit your counselling session Blue, my stomach is in knots about my session this afternoon. I would put it in chat? It doesn't really matter where I guess (as long as it's appropriate), if MNHQ sticky it.

Today is B's half-birthday. Six months, seven hours and twenty minutes since I held my baby boy in my arms, willing him to have life. I can't believe how different my life is to how it should be.

My5boysandme · 10/10/2012 14:47

Have posted a photo of my boy xx

Bluetinkerbell · 10/10/2012 18:03

MrsY my counselling session got postponed (again) as I had written down it was at 10.30am and it was booked for 9.30am :( I blame pregnancy brain and not receiving a confirmation letter... It's rebooked for 26th October...
I hope yours went well! I did meet the counsellor and he seemed very nice and friendly which was reassuring! :)

3girlies · 10/10/2012 18:57

Lovely pic your boy my5boys. So sorry for all. X.
100 days today that we lost our lovely Flora to a brain tumour.
Had a false start on bereavement counselling today, anyone had it? Where did you go and were you referred?

twinklesunshine · 10/10/2012 20:46

3girlies - I cant use them because I work for them (ironically) but have you tried Cruse? They are free and you have to refer yourself, and they normally come and see you at home. Service varies from area to area but they have a website cruse bereavement care. My doctor automatically refers to Cruse, which doesn't help me, so I found someone privately but I have to pay, I used the counselling directory online.

my5 your photo is lovely, I am so sorry. My little boy died 7 months ago now aged 3. It was very sudden. Still learning to cope day by day.

Mias I will be thinking of you next week, and I think like Chip says, these things are not coincidence - I believe that now.

Blue hope the counselling goes well when it starts, glad that he seems nice as that is so important.

MrsY I have been thinking of you, as haven't seen you on here recently, glad to see you back.

Hi to everyone else!

xxxxx

chipmonkey · 10/10/2012 20:47

Myfive, Dexter is gorgeous! What chubby cheeks!

MrsKwaHaHaHaAzii · 10/10/2012 20:58

What a beautiful picture My5boys thank you for sharing it.

MiasMum sending you strength in the lead-up to Mia's inquest. I cannot believe that your love for Mia and your new baby could be anything but pure and beautiful. Your love for your children always shines through your posts.

MrK and I had some joint counselling 3girlies and the counsellor came to our house. We were put in touch with her by a friend who has had counselling with her in the past. She was very good and helped us to talk over how we were feeling, reassuring us that everything we were going through was perfectly normal, and helping us to see that we both needed to support each other but also give each other space to grieve in our own ways.

I've also had some individual counselling through my GP's surgery. It was OK, but more general in nature and I didn't feel I got that much from it. Both counsellors are happy for us to book further appointments down the line if we feel that we need it which is good to know. Makes me feel more secure.

We've also been in touch with our local children's bereavement service for advice on how to help DD2 now and as she grows older and understands more. They've also been great and are happy for us to get in touch with them as and when we need them. I approached them direct.

fioled · 10/10/2012 21:07

A sad welcome my5

Your little Dexter shares a birthday with my Belle. She was born asleep on 21st June in 2010.

OP posts:
MiaAlexandrasmummy · 10/10/2012 22:17

my5, Dexter is scrumptious!! What a simply beautiful photo of your boy.

Thank you all for your kind wishes for next Monday. I love the thought that the wave of light will be there to give us strength. I think we may need it. MrMia is sitting here choosing photos in case we are asked for them by any media. Mia's delicate beauty still takes my breath away.

My5boysandme · 10/10/2012 22:40

Thank you all for your kind words. I feel awful posting here when I can't be of comfort to anyone.
I seem to manage through the day, as the boys keep me busy. When they go to bed however I just crumble. I can't stop thinking of that night. I can't get the thought that dexter may have suffocated out my head. Would they tell me if he had? I just feel so awful that I was sat downstairs watching tv whilst he was dying upstairs. I feel I've let him down.

shabbatheGreek · 10/10/2012 23:01

Love Dexters photo.

It will take some time to get those images out of your head. Its 30 years since my twin baby boy died from congenital heart defects and 20 years since my DS3 was killed by a reversing lorry just before his 8th birthday. There are still times when images of those days jump into my mind and I cant shake them. As I always say on here...there will come a time for all of you when the edges of this horrible raw grief will soften. When you realise there was nothing more you could do. That is my only promise to all of you. Every waking second of every long day in the early stages of grief is spent in shock....the kind of shock that shakes you to the core.

This thread has been running for at least 5 years. A brave lady and her precious daughter Eris were responsible for starting it......we 'nagged' her until she 'volunteered!!' It is a place where you can just 'come and park your bum' or share your experiences or just 'be' - just read and not post. This ongoing thread is to honour and love our precious lost children xxx

MiaAlexandrasmummy · 10/10/2012 23:04

my5 you don't need to help anyone. This thread is to help all who need it - and we all do, at different times. Just keep posting if it helps.

I am not an expert at all on such things, but I feel the 'what-ifs' is a dangerous path, albeit a very natural one. We all will always wonder what we could have done, or think about what we would do differently. At the time, we all did exactly what we thought was best. You were the best mummy to Dexter you could be - you couldn't have been any better. As I have written before, all I can offer is this I don't understand. I will never understand. I love them so much.

MrsY · 11/10/2012 01:08

Oh no, Blue, how frustrating for you. I found it ok today (the counselling, not the day). We firstly went through a contract and a 'how it works' thing, and she asked what my aims were. I said I wanted to think about him without such negative thoughts (sadness, anger, guilt etc). Then, I talked about what happened and she asked questions and raised points, some of which I felt weren't valid or applicable, and said so. It didn't help, but wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

my5, My sister works for the charity I have my counselling through. If you look online there should be a register of local counsellors. Also try your local Sands group. I go to the monthly suppot group, and they also have a buddy system. Dexter is beautiful. Thank you for sharing his picture. I totally understand your feelings of guilt, but please remember that your darling boy knew and knows your love. Be gentle with yourself. And never worry about this thread. It's one safe place where we don't need to worry. x

Thanks twinkle, that's kind. How are you? I felt a little funny coming on here, with the funny feeling on the other thread and I felt a little overlooked, but I always lurked and then felt bad for that. I wanted to be involved more.

MrsK, we have spoken to a lady at the charity about M having a couple of sessions of play/art therapy. She has lost her innocence, and is much more clingy. Last week MrY took her to a museum where they saw a mummy. Some of the other children said the mummy was sleeping, M said 'no, it's not sleeping, it's dead'. She's only three, it's not right that she has such an awareness of death. She talks about her 'invisible brother' and often says she's thinking of him and said about him. She also talks about her Peanut in heaven (she and I were both pregnant at the same time Grin, both our babies were called Peanut), but it's so difficult to know how much is just words and how much is real.

Sorry for the waffle. It's waaaay past my bedtime!

chipmonkey · 11/10/2012 01:14

Myfive, we had a Post Mortem meeting after Sylvie-Rose died.
I told the neonatologist that I was very upset that Sylvie-Rose was in our bed when she died as it's not recommended that they should be.
She said "And if she'd been in the cot, then you'd have been blaming yourself that you weren't with her." Because we do blame ourselves no matter what. I have times when I look back and wonder if I had changed something, done it a bit better, maybe she'd still be here with us.

You truly did nothing wrong. We have been so very unlucky.

Bluetinkerbell · 11/10/2012 13:27

Hi ladies,

I set up the thread about Pregnancy Loss Awareness week and Wave of Light here I've reported it and asked it to become a sticky one, to raise more awareness!

x

Firsttobed · 11/10/2012 15:21

Hello all, I too have been lurking a while. There's been too much happening.

mias I wanted to say that I'll be thinking of you on Monday and the following days. You will have lots of support around you and are such a brave resiliant lady that you will get through it. No coincidence about The wave of light :-)

Welcome my5 your little boy Dexter is gorgeous.

mrsY hugs for yesterday x

My5boysandme · 11/10/2012 19:13

Today has been hard, went to Dexters grave 3 times. I also listened to the songs from Dexters funeral which had my sobbing my heart out.

Heard from the police liaison officer, who said Dexter definitely didn't suffocate. I honestly don't know if this makes me feel better or worse Sad The police also took a whole load of stuff with them(2 pages of stuff) which we won't get back till toxicology comes back which could be 6-8 weeks yet. I don't even really know what they've taken. I know they have his red book, which I really want back.

Also have washed the last of Dexters clothes, so it's all in a big basket under the stairs. Moving all of Dexters things slowly to under the stairs. We've bought a huge ottoman for the bottom of our bed, that we're going to fill with Dexters things. I have 3 bibs that I've not washed that has his milky baby smell on them, but that won't last very long.

expatinscotland · 11/10/2012 19:20

Hi, all! Sorry to be off the radar for a bit. We went away for a few days, teh first time without our Aillidh and it's been really really hard. The pain of missing her is so acute it's physical.

My5, Dexter is so gorgeous! I'm sorry you lost him.

Sorry for all of us.

My5boysandme · 11/10/2012 19:29

Expat, I remember when all the prayer threads for Ailidh where on mumsnet. I said my 1st ever prayer for your beautiful daughter. I'm so sorry for your loss. As hard as losing Dexter is, I cannot imagine how hard it must have been to watch your child deteriote before your eyes.
No one deserves this, you should never have to bury your child Sad

expatinscotland · 11/10/2012 20:38

Thank you, My5. Went to see her grave yesterday. Headstone will be finally ordered on Saturday. Hope to have it up by new year. I'll post photos here when it's up. We've gone for gold lettering.

So, so many children and young people who died with no children of their own (you can always tell, because there's no 'dad' or 'father' on their stones, just 'brother, son, uncle' that sort of thing) there. There's a women we see often, praying The Rosary at a lair. We walked by it. A young woman's site, who died age 21 with her unborn baby. Her mother died two years before, she lays there, too.

We had gone to see her a few days before on our way out, and there was a kind lady at the office to let us know a procession was coming in, and we saw it was very near Aillidh's lair but told her we just wanted to say hello to our girl. A gardener came up to warn us, too, ask if we could move our car, but we said we were just coming to tell our little daughter we were off and to come with us.

When next we sent, there were flowers all on that new grave. A young woman's. 'Daughter' 'Sister' and her name, Louise. I stopped to fix those out that had fallen down and read the little cards. A young woman.

Then the -le part of Uncle Gerry's flowers had fallen down so DH rigged it back up and said, 'Now let's put this to rights, Uncle Gerry.'

Does anyone else do that? I tidy up other peoples' graves. Sad

There's a 19-year-old soldier near her, killed in 2004, and he has a tin of lager on his grave. It was overturned when we went so I put it back up and told him, 'There you go, Graeme. Sorry about that. Hope you're doing allright.' There's a 6-year-old girl near here as well, little Sinead. We went once and her latest flowers had died off and it was the day after a bad storm, so I took them out cleaned off the bits that had blown and told her I was just giving her a wee tidy, sweet one.

I'm mad, surely.

It's a very active cemetary where she lays and you're never alone. I like that, it's alive, if you will, in its own way, but very peaceful.

shabbatheGreek · 11/10/2012 21:11

Not mad at all Expat - I dont go to my sons grave very often. They are 'next door' to my Grandma and Grandad. The minute I go in I can see the headstone and they are right on the back row. My parents have had the lettering redone and because it looks very, very white for the moment it is easy to spot. My Matt would have loved that - he loved being centre of attention Smile As I get nearer my stomach turns over and I dread it. All feels so surreal but also very real IYKWIM? x Im glad you tidy up other graves - to me that is so important and so kind. xxx

My5boysandme · 11/10/2012 21:13

I think that's really lovely that you do that expat.

Dexter is between two very old graves, but I think I would tidy up like you.

We've had a little look round and there is 3 other babies there. So so sad.

We ordered Dexters headstone last Friday, looking likely to be 14 weeks. I didn't realise it would take so long.

I went to the woman who did our flowers for the funeral, and she's going to make me a posy every 2 weeks with a ribbon with his name on it for £20(its normally £30) so was very kind of her. When I was leaving she gave me a beautiful bunch of roses to put on his grave, so lovely of her.

It truly staggers me just how kind people really are. I know everyone hears about the bad people in the world, but there truly is some amazingly kind and compassionate people out there, it's just sad that it takes a tradegy to sometimes realise that xx

MrsY · 11/10/2012 22:01

We go up to visit B often, but I haven't been for a while. We were advised not to put up a headstone for at least nine months, so haven't made an progress, but we have have made decisions about the style we'd like.

We walked around a few times, there are lots of babies. I tend to like things quite simple and B is right in front of a very bright and colourful grave with statues and lots of colour. It's not my style, but itdoes bring a smile to my lips.

Thanks first how are you my lovely?

chipmonkey · 12/10/2012 00:45

I went to Sylvie-Rose's grave tonight, had a 12 hour day at work so it was around 9.45pm by the time I got there. The cemetery was so dark. Lots of people have solar lights on the graves but this time of year there's not enough sun to keep them going late into the night. But Sylvie-Rose's grave was bright because I have 3 of the 7-day candles burning there at the moment. Sylvie-Rose is buried between a 21 year old guy who loved cars and died in a car crash, and an elderly lady. But there are 5 other babies on her row.
The most recent person to be buried on her row is a young mother. She gave birth to her third child, a little boy, then apparently fed him and had a heart attack and died.Sad
Her children are all under three.

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