"You Light The Skies Up Above Me, A Star So Bright You Blind Me" Remembering all our precious children.

[fioled]

For my beautiful baby Anabelle Violet, loved and missed to the moon and back, always xxx How hard we wish that you were here baby girl.

Twinkle twinkle little star,
Up above the world so high,
Like a diamond in the sky.

For all our babies and children, big and small xx

hi tallulah, sorry what a terrible night, i agree i find the nights far far worse.
nights are the hardest as you just can;t switch your mind off
i did get a bit of sleep i think, just really getting exhusted with it now

hely, tnanks for the book recomendation, i shall look intot that

white you poor thing, what an awful night you had.

If I could go back in time..... I'd say "Actually we do have a little girl but she died" which is something Mias said to someone once. And then let my neighbour explain to her children about death and dying.

A book that I got for my kindle ages ago is "Walking in the Garden of Souls" by George Anderson. He is a medium and I do happen to believe in an afterlife so I found it hugely comforting.

thanks chip, hop i get a better night tonight.
might try an evening walk and a bath before bed.

i shall look that book up, sounds good.

i shall also try and bank that response as its simple and to the point.
i find that sort of thing so difficult

Hi Ladies x

Don't know if I can be of any help but for about a year I used to wake at 4 am and be totally awake. It was horrible, But it has passed I very rarely wake in the night now and be unable to go back to sleep. Hope this will be the same for you, I think this is where the saying 'the darkest hour is justbefore dawn' comes from. xx

white I am often awake very early too, and can't go back to sleep. It is a time for me to quietly examine my feelings about Mia. Somehow, in the dark, my feelings are less extreme, and while I feel incredibly sad, I just mainly think how much I love her.

The phrase that chip mentioned is very useful. I saw it in an article a few months ago about a woman who lost her child too. I have used it several times since then.

We planted our snowdrops today. It was lovely, cold but lots of sunshine. Various friends who have children the same age as Mia came along, and it was sweet watching the little girls concentrate on placing bulbs in the holes, putting the "lids" back on top, and stamping them back into the ground. Mia would have loved it. I felt she was very pleased seeing us all together. We all have taken a little potted snowdrop bulb home, and once planted, it will multiply and spread across the garden. Pockets of Mia love for us all.

Hello all.

Thanks Mias, I am very proud.

We went to a memorial service for our local Sands group yesterday. It was really emotional, but also nice to write and hear his name, I don't do it very often. They gave us each a white flower and some bulbs to plant, so I'll try and do that with M later, if the rain lets up.

There's something about being awake at night, the silence, the darkness. It used to be a bit of a treat - mummy only time. Now it's just a reminder that I should be up feeding, and time to think too much.

I've now been back at work two weeks, and had a few wobbles (babies and pregnant staff being insensitive and general hormones etc) and I have a meeting tomorrow. On Friday they said they thought I' gone back too soon and maybe I shouldn't be at work until I'd got over it. I let it go at the time because my emotions were all over the place, but I will say something about that tomorrow. Does anyone know what the rules are if a company thinks you are not fit too work?

My darling Dexter passed away on the 24/09/12 aged 13 weeks and 4 days. I miss him so much and my arms ache to hold him. He has 4 older brothers who miss him so much too xx

Hello My5 so sorry to hear about your baby boy Dexter. My four-year old daughter died earlier this year after an accident, this thread and the wonderful women on it have been a real help to me over the last few months and I hope you will be able to find some comfort here too.

MrsY and Mias the bulb planting is a lovely idea. There were crocuses flowering when DD1 died and I can't decide whether it would make me happy or very sad to have some in the garden. And MrsY your auction for SANDS was fantastic, what a brilliant thing to have done xx

Hope all of you having trouble sleeping can get some good night's rest soon. I find broken sleep makes it harder to deal with my emotions during the day. I cope a lot better after a decent rest, but it's not always possible.

whiteandyellow I found the books "The Worst Loss" and "I Wasn't Ready To Say Goodbye" helpful. I read a lot in the first few months - I think it helped as I wanted to be reassured that what I was feeling was normal. I think that what I learned is that whatever you do or don't do or need to do is normal for you and you should do what feels right for you. Other people do try hard to help, but none of them will really know how you're feeling or what is right for you (and when).

I am so very sorry for the loss of your beloved Dexter My5boys. My baby boy was stillborn at 38 weeks back in May. I can't believe it's been five months already. You will find plenty of support and understanding here.

whiteandyellow I found the book "An exact replica of a figment of my imagination" by Elizabeth McCracken a bit of a godsend in those terrible early weeks. It's basically a very down-to-earth and personal memoir about her pregnancy and stillbirth and I found it really resonated for me. She's a great writer and was spot on about so many things and it helped me to feel less alone. You can get it on Amazon.

Hope everyone else is ok this evening xx

Sorry 5boys, you must still be so shell shocked. Would you like to tell us more about Dexter?
Everyone here is so understanding. I don't post often but lurk a lot and when I need support someone always answers.

Dexter was my 5th son, a very much wanted little boy. Everyone thought I'd want a girl, but I was so pleased to be having another boy.

Dexter was born on 21/06/12 at 37 weeks. We has a few names we liked but Dexter wasn't even on our radar. Our 4 boys have very scottish names, Kyle 9, Cameron 7, Innes 5 and Harris 3.
After he was born I was holding him in my arms and the name Dexter just popped into my head and I knew that would be his name.

I adored Dexter, he was almost like a firstborn, as I had so much time just me and him due to older boys being at school and nursery.
Dexter slotted in so well, the older boys wanting to do everything for him.

Dexter had a vey strong personality at such a young age. He hated being naked, bathed and hated his Moses basket. He hated hats! Dexter had a really long thin tongue and more often than not he was sticking it out. He loved cuddles and I would hold him for hours, I'm glad I did.

On Dexters last day he giggled heartily for the 1st time, when I was playing peekaboo.

My dh was going way overnight for the 1st time for work, so he left the house at 4pm the last time he seen Dexter, who was giving him big smiles.
I gave Dexter his last bottle at 5.30pm changed his bum, i took him upstairs ad settled him in his cot at 6.30pm. The other boys went to their rooms to play their computers. I checked on him just before 7.30 and he was gone.

Did 999 and I did everything they said and still I wasn't enough. Police and ambulance arrived at 7.45with my parents. Dexter was taken to hospital and pronounced dead at 8.45. My dh arrived in Birmingham to be told about Dexter, there was no flights or trains, so had to stay there until the morning where he could get a flight to Edinburgh.

When Dexter was born dh missed it, he nipped to the toilet and be he wasn't there when he died. Dh feels incredibly guilty and sad over this.

Dexter was special, and I like to think he picked us as his parents xx

Dexter sounds wonderful. And what a wonderful family to be born into with his four older brothers looking out for him. I'm sure he did choose you. What comes through most in your post is how much love and warmth he would have been surrounded by, it's all he would have known, but how cruel and unfair that he couldn't stay longer. I'm truly sorry. xx

Morning girls xx

Lighting my candles for all our precious children (no matter what age)

Dexter sounds lovely - this life is very, very cruel xxxx

hello all you lovely ladies, I'm still lurking and following your posts, but finding it hard sometimes to post.

On Monday 15th October it is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance day. There is also an International Wave of Light, where everyone lights a candle at 7pm to remember all those babies and children gone too soon.

Is there a way we can have MN HQ to put this in the spotlight? I know last year I had started a thread and it was in the highlighted conversations or something, I'm just planning ahead a bit more this year, as I think it is important. There are so many of us affected by losing a precious child.
I know on this thread there is a lot of support for each other, but it would be good to raise some more awareness... :)

Oh my5, what a shock for you. You do sound like a very loving family. I'm glad your glad you cuddled him a lot! It's not long enough I know but I hope you can cherish all the memories of him you have. My Jacob lived for 5 days and although looking back and remembering is difficult I wouldn't swop those days for anything.
Blue, if you 'like' SANDS on facebook they have been advertising this, I have been sharing it, you're right, it is so important to raise awareness, even if it only helps someone say the right thing to a bereaved parent.

Glad you found us, "myfive" and again, so sorry that you had to.
I tried CPR on Sylvie-Rose, the paramedics tried to revive her, hospital staff got her heart going again but too late for her little brain.
It was like a nightmare but it was real.
I'm glad you got to see Dexter smile. Sylvie-Rose had the brightest eyes but she never got to the smiling stage. Just after she died, I had a dream that she was lying in her cot but then turned her head up and smiled. I like to think she was letting me know she was OK and happy.

myfive i'm so so sorry for your loss, i love the name dexter that you choose.
how awful for you both that your dh wasn't there that night.
i can see how that would really hurt
i'm so glad you got to hear dexter laugh, that must have been wonderful

i my son died very shortly after he was born, on the same day. i know there are no words i can say to make you feel better but i'm around if you need to talk as is everyone else on this thread.

have you been able to make a memory box of anything like that?

thanks very much for the book recomendations, i shall look for those on amazon.

blue i will be lighting a candle on mon at pm

Sorry, Blue, meant to say, if you start a thread and then then report the thread to MNHQ, they will probably sticky it.

my5, I'm so so sorry for your loss. Tomorrow will be six months since we lost our son, who died shortly before he was born at full term. It's just the worst pain to bear, but you will grow to be strong enough to carry that weight.

Dexter was clearly so well loved and looked after. He'll always know that.

I will be joining the wave of light. It's moments like that that make you realise you aren't alone, but that also makes me so sad.

I have my first counselling session tomorrow, and obviously tomorrow will be hard anyway. Not looking forward to it, but I hope it will help.

Just went onto active threads and saw the post-natal group I should be on. First time that's happened. I couldn't resist the urge to look. Talk about self-harming.

Sorry, my5, I also meant to say, that we all have guilt and regrets when we know logically we aren't to blame in anyway - I hope you and your husband are kind on yourselves.

And Blue, I have spoken to MNHQ about promoting Sands - they were brill at promoting the auction - so I'm sure they'll sticky a thread about the wave of light.

MrsY, Blue, fioled and I are all on a postnatal FB group together. I do find it hard sometimes to see the babies who are well and thriving, when our babies didn't make it. But they were such a wonderful support too, when Sylvie-Rose died that I do like to check in on them from time to time. One baby in particular, little W who was born premature like Sylvie-Rose but who is growing and thriving, is very dear to me as is fioled's gorgeous X.

I have just read this thread from the start. It's an unfortunate exclusive group, that no one wants to be on.
I'm glad I've found somewhere that I can get stuff out my head, with mums who know exactly how I feel

Hello myfive, I have read your story here about little Dexter, and your words convey so much love. You are right, no-one wants to join this group, and I am sure many on MN are fearful of it. Yet the ladies here are incredibly supportive and lovely. They have been amazing to me, and continue to help me so much, just by understanding everything.

Today started at 5am when I picked up my parents. Lovely to see them, but it brings the reality of Mia's inquest ever closer. Actually, the day started earlier than that as I was dreaming about Mia's death... then this morning, a friend came around with her little girl, who was due the same time as Mia. The little girl is a real poppet, and she loves coming to "Mia's house." But it broke my heart when we went up to the toys, and she asked "Mia? Mia?" so very hopefully, even though she was also only one when Mia died. I had to tell her that Mia wasn't here... And then this afternoon we had a 32 week scan and consultant meeting. All good, and we have discussed a ELCS date in early December, choosing a day which didn't coincide with my brother's wedding in late Nov. But we are not sure if we will tell anyone, as I am still too scared in case something goes wrong. I hate thinking this way. I just want my love for Mia and this new baby to be pure and beautiful.

blue the wave of light is the first day of Mia's inquest.

Mias, I think sometimes coincidences like that are for a reason. The inquest will be a tough, tough time for you but any of us who light a candle for the Wave of Light will also be sending a wave of light for Mia.
32 weeks already! And you know there's no reason why things shouldn't go well with your beautiful baby but I think after what we've all been through, it's hard to convince yourself of that.