"You Light The Skies Up Above Me, A Star So Bright You Blind Me" Remembering all our precious children.

[fioled]

For my beautiful baby Anabelle Violet, loved and missed to the moon and back, always xxx How hard we wish that you were here baby girl.

Twinkle twinkle little star,
Up above the world so high,
Like a diamond in the sky.

For all our babies and children, big and small xx

MrsK, I feel the same.
Is my whole life to be defined by her death. I rather think it is.
But it's still a life to be lived. And I am living it.
I am thinking, this October 4th, it will have been a year since her little lifetime ended. And I will have gotten through that year. And then, I've only got to do it around 40 more times, assuming I live as long as most women. And then I'll see her again.
But really you shouldn't spend this life on a countdown to the next, should you?

Mrs K and Chip, that is exactly what I am doing too.

Its 6 months today, and I am having a very bad day. I keep thinking how awful it is trying to survive without him, and that even if I get to a year, 5 years, 10 years, I still have a lifetime to go. I am only 31 and I just can't bare to think about how long I could still be here.

I am struggling so much with the idea that there is still a life to be lived. I am living it, in that I am doing everything day to day, but all I think about is the life that I used to have that was so happy, compared to this.

My husband is very positive, and believes that he will see him again, so even if he lives another 50 years its nothing compared to the time they will have together after that. I just can't see it like that, I dwell on the negative.

I don't want to wish my life away, but I feel like that is what I am doing. My mum died when she was 55, and I have been thinking to myself that I hope I only have to carry on that long, and even that seems an age.

Ugh xxxxx

chip, you are so eloquent. Your words bring tears to my eyes and a smile to my heart. I know I am not alone in this sentiment.

Twinkle, you, too. :) You're not alone in how you feel. Not at all! I'm here with you, sometimes. I can't look at some of the updates of some of the people we knew from the unit there just now. My baby isn't here anymore and her time, her time after diagnosis till her death was so short, even compared to many of those who have paediatric cancer, and so, so horrible! Oh, I know now, only the Milan protocol is as hard, from what I've learned, than that which she endured. We endured.

I think your husband is right, though. It will seem as nothing, one day. When is that day?

11 weeks tomorrow here.

My son is having much trouble. She died to him, in many ways, the Friday, 25 November, that she went to hospital. And I was gone then, too.

shabba, thank you so much for continuing to share your sons with us, and your experience of loss. Your sons are not forgotten, they are an inspiration to me.

VERY low two days here for me. Have to soldier on as have the other two. I wait till they go to bed, like now, and seek you all out.

Where is she now?

We have our first frost here tonight. And we are far from her lair. She lays there, what was mortal of her. What is happening to her?

I can't feel her, not at all. I can't feel anyone.

Chip I think it is a life to be lived. I'm taking each day as it comes, and on bad days each hour as it comes. My girl's earthly life in may be over, but I can't let it be the end of mine as well - it's not the tribute she deserves and not fair on DD2 either. Doesn't make it any easier though.

Twinkle I found the six month mark a very difficult one. I felt awful that that much time had already passed. I worry that, very quickly, I will have lost her for longer than we had her. She will always be four, always frozen at that age and in time and I will only move further away from her. I hate it.

Expat soldiering on can sometimes be a blessing, other times a curse. And I recall that numbness very well. I'm missing time after DD's death because it was all I could do to exist between getting up in the morning and going to bed at night. I often used to repeat Shabbs' mantra of one foot in front of the other and don't forget to breathe.

The bad days come less often now, but there are sometime also periods where I just zone out and the day is neither good nor bad. I'm sure it's the brain's way of helping us come to terms with the enormity of it all, it's just too big to consider in one go.

Thanks, MrsK! :)

I take a leaf from shabba's pages, too. And from those I know, so many now, who have lost their children.

My parents work with Knights of Columbus a lot and have done for many years now. Many are their friends who have lost their children. I know when I go with them to the clubhouse it will be emotional. So many have donated to charity in Aillidh's name, so many who have known loss, too.

I was speaking to my mom today. We're going to the US for Xmas. She said, Jeff and Elaine, Betty, Christine, Izzy, on and on can't wait to give you a big hug! All these people have lost their children. Jeff and Elaine have two daughters. Their younger daughter, Skye, age 14, died 14 years ago in a shooting accident. Her boyfriend killed her while they were playing around with his daddy's rifle. Betty's only child, Dave, age 43, was killed by a drunk driver in a RTA two years ago. He had no children of his own, he was only recently first-time married, planning to have children with his wife who was 10 years younger. Christine has two sons, the elder of whom drowned, age 6, over 30 years ago. Izzy's first son, Bruce, died of SIDS age 7 months, 60 years ago. She's 78 now. Ginger's only son died in 1976, age 12, of leukaemia. Dorice's daughter died of cervical cancer, age 20, in 1980.

Just so many. And in a strange way, I look forward to sitting with those people and just letting it all hang out in the way I know I can. As Jeff told my mom to tell me today, 'Just tell that I've been there, and I'm there now, too.'

my sons headstone, got installed today, not sure if theres anyway i can show you mums on here privately without the whole of mumsnet being able to see
but if any of you would like me to share it with them, pm me your email address and i'll email you a photo.
it was a bit of a shock to see my sons headstone,bit like when you look at he death certificate and see it in black and white. i'm glad we chose the silver lettering and script style writting
we can't put any flowers in the container for 3-4 days as we have to wait for it to set, so i'm itching to put some flowers in

been havingalot of problems with not being able to sleep this week, just feel so run down

Thank you chip for capturing my own feelings so perfectly, and far more beautifully than I could ever hope to do - and it is reassuring that I am not the only one who feels like this, expat, twinkle, MrsK. Sometimes the wait to see Mia again feels interminable. Time stretches out before me, holding so much pain and loss. That's when I have to look to Shabba, FM and others to ask how I will cope...

And yes, sometimes I am amazed that yet another day has passed. Yet another day without my girl. How? Why? I do find myself becoming very annoyed at myself if I don't 'achieve' something each day, even if it getting up early and going to the gym, as I feel I have to make the most of life's opportunities, all the opportunities Mia doesn't have. But there you are. We have no choice but to go on, to embrace life as it is, and my aunt said to me One breath at a time. Give yourself time. Not to get over this loss because you will always grieve but to somehow weave her beauty, her love, your love and your terrible loss into a fabric that can be worn as a shawl of love. Life is about love - family and friends - and living with integrity, and that is how I want to live it.

expat yes, you will be able to express yourself freely with those friends of your parents who have lost children. Our local bereaved parents' group is like that - we can have the most bizarre conversations, which would seem totally macabre to another audience - but it is such a 'safe haven'. Just like here.

white your son's headstone sounds beautiful. I hope you start sleeping more restfully, but it is easier said than done.

Lots of important anniversaries now, for you expat, for twinkle and coming up for you too chip. Nearly 11 months here, and less than a month until Mia's inquest now for us.

I'd like to see your boy's stone, white
I'll pm you..xxxx

thanks mias mummy, i think it will look even nicer when i put some flowers inthe container.i'm just hoping that is definatley is level, as in the churchyard the ground is fairly uneven, so im not sure its 100% level
i shall take a spirit level with me to check

how are you feeling about the inquest?

expat
'Just tell that I've been there, and I'm there now, too.'
yeah its kinda like when you go there, they don't leave, reminds me of that poem ugly shoes.
guess you've all read that one before

chip, i see what you mean about your life being defined by losing your child.
i often feel like THAT PERSON, that person whos baby died
its like its who i am now

i'm also getting a bit fed up of people that tell me what i need is a job, as if that will solve my grief.
i'm nowhere near being able to handle anything like that right now, not even close
i hate other people advising what to do when i havent asked them

oh thanks chip
i would like to show you

Evening all - what a turn to the weather. Am putting another jumper on and trying to resist turning the heating on. This time last year we were going to the seaside until the end of September. Lovely memories.

Whiteandyellow hope you are able to put some beautiful flowers down for your son this week. We had our daughter cremated, so she doesn't have a grave or a permanent memorial. We're working up to scattering her ashes but I want to do it right, rather than just get it over and done with IYKWIM.

We, family and friends have been fundraising in her memory. It feels wonderful that so many people want to help keep her name alive. It's overwhelming how generous people can be with their time and money, especially in the current climate.

Hello all. We are staycationing this week, and poor DH has been given a long list of DIY jobs , but so far, seems to be enjoying it - I have made sure there is a column of 'fun stuff' too!!

It is 11 months today, but feeling quite calm about it all. No idea why, but I am not going to push myself to feel miserable, but instead allow myself to fill up with love for my sweet girl, and smile at the beautiful times we shared.

Does anyone else here mentally picture your child getting older? I have realised that in my head, Mia is definitely a cheeky, smiling 2-year-old toddler with crazy red curls - and I am surprised that in the photos we have of her around the house, she seems so young.

Mias, I imagine that she's one now and that my Dad and Nana are raising her but there's a part of me that also want to raise her and that part of me wants to meet her at the end of my life, in my Dad's arms, still a baby, so that I can take up where I left off.
Or maybe I won't care at all about raising her because perhaps in the afterlife none of that will matter.

'Does anyone else here mentally picture your child getting older?'

Yes. I always saw Aillidh as a woman. Even before she was ill, I could and often did see her as a fully-grown woman. I could even picture her as an older woman, and see lines in her face.

Aillidh was 4ft., 9in. when she died, and she was starting to get a waist. She had the same lines in her neck that I have. She was needing to have braces fitted had she lived. I can see that, too.

I do see her dead, and sick. Strangely I have to look at photos and videos to remember her before she went for transplant, that last round of chemo that ultimately cost her life.

I still see Gareth as a 7 month old twin baby. I see (now) how bluey/purple his skin always was. I smell that weird 'pear drop' kind of smell on his skin when he wasn't doing well. I remember the sweet smile and the ferocious temper. I sadly remember his screams when they were doing the tests on his heart - cant remember what they are called but I know it involves dye and going into his groin with the tube BUT most of all I remember the fighter he was, the fighter with the tiny, tiny ginger curls (like his nephew).

I still see Matty as a 7 year old. Skinny, not very tall, spiked up dark hair, living life to the full, romantic, funny, 100mph kid. As for his accident I daren't recall the pictures from that day - its too difficult and heartbreaking.

I hope that, wherever they are, they are grown and happy. Also hope that Matty got the 'big willy' he always wanted. The reason he got himself a donor card when he was 4, the card he carried everywhere with him JUST in the hope that one day he could have a willy donation cause, in his words, his was too small

12 weeks today for us. If I am honest I still do not believe it all happened. Just so sad and missing Flora so much. I am dreading her birthday next month, do not know how we will be. Love to you all. x

Sometimes I can only see Belle as the tiny 4lb 5oz little baby she is. Other times I can see this beautiful blonde hair two year old. I can imagine her growing more now I have X because I am always wondering how alike they might've been. X still looks so like her when he's sleeping.

I cant bear to imagine Billie as older. Its just too painful.
Although I have a sort of living image of her. Her cousin is very like her. She is on tv/in magazines a lot so see her all over the place.
Sometimes its like a kick in the face, other times its comforting.

I cant really think of Billie as anything else other than that fragile, beautiful, sick child. After all this time.
I am stuck. Going backwards or forwards is too painful. To remember before or to think of what could have been.
I cannot stand it.

I always think of Billie when I see her cousin, MrsDeV xxx

yy to a living image MrsDV

When I think of Cole I see a baby, but every so often I glimpse him as a 6yo boy. I also get glimpses of what he would look like as a toddler as ds3 looks a lot like him, much more so than ds2.

We went camping a month or so ago and dh slept with ds3. DH said he loved just watching ds3 sleep as he looked just like his brother

The strange thing about being stuck in time is that it seems like everyone around you is moving forward at hyper speed. Much like the camera trick they do when one person in a crowd is standing still and in focus, but the crowd around them is moving and out of focus.

Are you going to mark Flora's birthday 3girlies? The build up to birthdays and annivs are particularly hard I find, and it is such early days for you x

Billie will be 21 in January.
21.
I cannot believe it.
She was stolen from me.

The 'big' birthdays are the hardest Mrs. D. Danny & Gareth were 30 last Christmas and it was so hard. Danny wants to change his birthday to the 27th or 29th December and I cant see any harm in doing that to be honest.

.....she was indeed 'stolen from you' xxx

She was definitely stolen from you.

All our children were.

We believe that Mia could have been saved, even though she would have still been sick, if only the hospital had diagnosed her properly. That is what we hope to hear from her inquest.