my son died shortly after he was born, now i'm pg with my third and people keep refering to the baby as number two, any advice on how to handle this please?

[whiteandyelloworchid]

i have dd 5, ds died after he was born.
now im og with number three, but people keep saying things to me about what it will be like when i have two
and its making me really sad

these are people who know i have a son too.

im sure they don't mean it in a horrible way, but just things like my friend this wekk was struggling a bit with her younger one, he kept trying to go off all the time.
she says to me this is what it will be like for you when you have two.

and there was another similar thing earlier in the week too

Went out for day yesterday with dd and dh, helped me to unwind a little.

I decided againist texting, as I think I could probably try to explain it better in person.

I totally respect other people.rights for them.to say whatever they feel most comfortable with regarding how many children they have.
Just for me I feel he's still me son and always will be. To me he will always be my second.

I've definatley decided to simply say I already have two, next time a comment like this gets made. Hopefully I will feel like I can handle it better next time

Thanks so much for talking to me and helping me. I shall try to apply your advice in my life

hey white and yellow of course he will always be your son... there are are already 4 of you in the family .. one day soon there is going to be 5 but for now there are 4 of you

you dont need to handle it any better... its going to hurt for a long while to come..

there are a lot of us bereaved mummies on this thread

helping each other get thru

you will get a warm welcome if you feel up to coming to talk to us

I know their are a couple of lines on this poem arent relevant as you have a beautiful daughter here with you on earth but hopefully you will relate to most of it

I Am A Mother

I've loved my child right from the start,
A feeling that's filled my entire heart.
I went through the labor and suffered the pain,
For many long hours with nothing to gain.

I've spent sleepless nights being awake,
Though it's been a while my arms they still ache.
I've sat and I've wondered of how he would grow,
The love of my family that he'd come to know.

The sound of his voice as he learns to talk,
Watching his steps as he tries to walk.
I have a child that I really love so,
I am his mother yet nobody knows.

I've spent all these months feeling him grow,
I've lived through it all and have nothing to show.
I don't get invited to chat with young mothers,
Because I don't have a baby like all of the others.

I've got some stretch marks that I'd like to hide,
but I don't have a pram with a baby inside.
The people I've known for so many years,
Avoid me now, which adds to my tears.

I don't know how long I'll be feeling like this,
But one thing I know, my baby I miss.
When Mother's day comes it will be very hard,
I won't have any flowers, not even a card.

And just because he's not here with me,
I still have a son I wish I could see.
But one thing I know and this is for sure,
I'll be his mother forevermore!

• Author Unknown -

thankyou that is a lovely poem, i've read that one before and its beautiful.
thanks i might pop into that thread and say hi when i feel upto it.
i find it quite hard o keep up with the threads with alot of people om, but i will come and say hello

Do whatever feels right to you, it is your grief so your prerogative.

However cautionary tale: a colleague always spoke to me about her four children but only seemed to name three. She was older than me and her kids were grown so though it would sometimes make me idly wonder I assumed I'd missed some info about a child living in Oz or something, it was sort of below the level of consciousness.

Anyway I had an early miscarriage and I was upset at work and she was quite odd with me about it and I was taken aback. It really threw me. A few weeks later I heard her tell a new member of staff that her first daughter had been stillborn and when I sympathised and told her I never knew, she was totally shocked as she assumed I knew and had felt I was being a bit disrespectful by making a big deal out of an early miscarriage!

I am so sorry for your loss. I do think people forget. I have a beautiful seven week old and sometimes I look at him and think if he were to die this young no one would know him as an individual other than dh and I.. They seem uniform to everyone but their parents as babies but we know they are truly unique and irreplaceable and even if they never get to breathe in this world we know them and love every tiny detail... But if they go before others know them there are no memories to share, no common vocabulary that adequately describes them. It is a very cruel loss, the loss of a baby, because only you really have those concrete memories.

whiteandyelloworchid, I have told my grandma story here a couple of times before, so sorry if you have read about it already.

My grandma died two years ago at the grand age of 99. She was the centre of our family, an amazing, hard-working lady, who was just good, that's the best way to desscribe her. Just GOOD all over.

She had 6 children. Her third girl died at 17 days of age, her name was Maria Elena. This was the first half of the 20th century. Babies who died weren't mentioned, they never existed. Her own husband didn't want to talk about Maria Elena and told her off when she had "still not got over that".

But she did not care, my grandma. She went on talking about her and bringing her up in conversation, ender stern looks from my granddad, and awkward looks from guests. I grew up knowing about my auntie Maria Elena. She only had one tiny black-and-white photo of her, you could barely see anything. But it did not matter, because after 70 years, she was still as clear and vivid in her mind as when she was alive. She would describe to me her long, curled eyelashes, and her dark curly hair. When she told people about her death, she would cry every time. And smile every time.

Old age is very respected in my home country, Spain. When she went over 90 years of age, strangers would frequently start conversations with her - she was lucid up to her 99! And every single time someone asked "How many children have you had?", she always said: I had 6 children. And if the person was curious about them, she would tell them about the six of them. In order. Maria Elena was third.

So yes, you can. You can and you will remember your little DS, who will always be your DS1 no matter if you have another 10 children. My grandma could, and had to fight even her husband, and countless other people who just thought "you do not talk about this stuff". But she succeeded, and thanks to her I have a memory of my dear auntie Maria Elena. If you want, your children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren will get to know your DS. Would you like to tell us his name? If you do, l I will keep his name in my heart together with all those names that some other people did not have the luck to get to know. It will be my little treasure and he will share this special place in my mind with Maria Elena, as she will share that space now in your mind, because now you know about her too :)

Thanks got your kindness both.

I'm feeling a bit better about what happened last week and I do think I shall be able to handle it better next time.

I also lost a baby at eight weeks, just died in the womb, and I felt that lost hard and still feel it now, of course its not anywhere near the same as holding ds seeing him die in our arms
But I would never belittle anyone lost at a misscarrage. It's still the loss if hopes and dreams and a life no matter how small

What an amazing grandma I do feel that way about my inlaws really

As they never talk about our son. And when we do they go all funny and awkward and the vibe is stop talkingvabout him.
They have even criticized DHS grandparents because they complain when they are ill and talk about their illnesses.
Mil has even said about them, not being funny but my parents had cancer but they didn't talk about it.
So fair to say they are not very open. But we carry on talking about our son regardless keeping his memory alive
Similar to your grandmother. Although we don't face oppersion alround.just them