my son died shortly after he was born, now i'm pg with my third and people keep refering to the baby as number two, any advice on how to handle this please?

[whiteandyelloworchid]

i have dd 5, ds died after he was born.
now im og with number three, but people keep saying things to me about what it will be like when i have two
and its making me really sad

these are people who know i have a son too.

im sure they don't mean it in a horrible way, but just things like my friend this wekk was struggling a bit with her younger one, he kept trying to go off all the time.
she says to me this is what it will be like for you when you have two.

and there was another similar thing earlier in the week too

How would you know that? You have no experience of it.
You cant give the childsperspective at all because you just admitted your mother did not feel able to talk about your brothers.

You sound very self centred.

happy camel please go somewhere else.

Yes far better to lie to our children and pretend their siblings never existed even if they remember them.
Much better all round to deny our children incase anyone is inconvenienced by our feelings.

I don't think so. I would much rather raise children who are able to discuss their feelings and express empathy for others.
Less they turn out the sort of person who advises a bereaved, pregnant mother to stfu.

thanks mrs d

It depends on how you do it, TBH. My mum was one of four, two died shortly after birth (all four were prem) and my grandmother used to say "if your brothers were here!" all the time like they were the perfect children compared to her being terrible. Eventually Mum turned around and said "How would you know what they'd do!"

My eldest (the only one really old enough to know) is the one that keeps her big sister going. We count her as part of my count and the only thing we really say is that she is in Heaven. We don't talk about her personality.

I talk about my DD all the time.
Her little brother talks about her all time.
The little ones know who she is and what she looks like.
Why on earth wouldn't we talk about her?

If children can understand that when you have 2,3,4... children you still love them all the same they can understand you love their angel-sibling as much too.

As mine died at 3 hours there's not a lot to say about her, as they get older I'll tell them how she saved their lives.

Exactly.

I'm so sorry for your loss, whiteandyellow.

It can be really hard to know what to say to people who have been so painfully bereaved - and of course, everyone is different.

It took ages for my DH to talk about his brother :(. When we first met he said he was an only child, because he didn't feel up to telling people that he had a brother - he wasn't ready to talk about what happened to him. It took him a few months to open up.

His mum is the opposite and loves it when her eldest boy is brought into the conversation. Her faces lights up, and it's the saddest and the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. And I feel immensely privileged to share in their stories and remembrances - but I did very much feel the need to be invited in.

Not sure what I'm trying to say - just that it's a desperately sad thing, to lose a child - and how you deal with your loss is as individual as you are. If I was your friend I would very much appreciate gentle guidance to understand how you wanted to remember and talk about your DS.

I completely agree with MrsdeVere!

Just wanted to chip in and say that I am in a similar position to you - I lost Mia last October and I am currently 22 weeks pg. Very nervous, but have realised that I don't want her legacy to be about the darker side of life... although it is incredibly hard at the same time.

I will never, ever deny Mia. My phrase is "I have a daughter, but she died." When this baby is born, I will always say "I have two children, but my beautiful first-born child, Mia, died." Present tense of I have, not past. Mia is always my child, even if she is not with me physically. I carry her in my heart.

As for worrying about others, don't. It is you who is suffering. I have zero tolerance for making other people feel awkward because of Mia. I don't try to do it, but I refuse to deny her just to make them feel better. So what if they feel embarrassed for a few seconds? It is miniscule and insignificant compared to the losses we bereaved parents experience every second of every day.

Yes, you might need to let them know that you are willing for your son to be acknowledged at first, but with close friends who deny him, then I think you should let them know that it hurts so much when they pretend he doesn't exist or paraphrase about his existence.

Thanks for your advice, so kind of you to post to me when going though such heartache yourselves, human s kindness amazes me sometimes

So thought about it over night, next time I will simply reply I already have two children
As I still see my son as very much mine still, I feel him around me and hope we will be reunited oneday

So that's what I'm going to do.

Do you think I should say something to my friend, when I see her next week, like, hey you know last week when you said this is what its gonna be like when you have two, it hurt me because I already have two. I know you didn't mean it like that but thought I'd tell u because it really upset me

Or shall I just leave it now, but be preiared to responded better with, I already have two, next time ?

You would be reasonable to say something
But it might be easier on you to say something the next time she says it.
It depends what sort of person she is. Would she take offence or sold she listen?
If she is the type to take offence can you cope with the backlash?
If not it might be better to wait and have your rehearsed phrase ready for next time.

I don't think she would take offence, but I guess she will try and say well you.know what I.mean or something

Perhaps I shall see how.strong I feel on the day

She might say that. It's hard for people to admit they have been hurtful
But she very probably will change how she talks bout your son.
And at least that will be something

I don't know, in my head I have 5 DC, but IRL and on MN, I say I have 4DC's because only people who have BEEN in that situation really understand.

It would be a lot better saying it face to face than via txt wouldn't it?
Yes I.know it.would

Just be easier to send a quick text

Couthy it's up to you. I have so many friends who have lost children and they have their own strategies. Whatever works for them is best iyswim.

White - I don't know. Sometimes I get annoyed that we are stuck with these dilemmas, what to do for 'best'. If sending a text is easier why not?
Why not put your feelings first this time?
Do what feels right

It doesn't mean that I have forgotten my little boy, or that I couldn't tell you how old he should be (3years4months), just that I find it easier than trying to explain the whole thing to people who don't really understand, and never know what to say to me.

Very very sorry for your loss and for all the other bereaved mothers who have come on this thread to support you. I have to take my hat off to all of you , l doubt l could get out of bed , though l guess we all think that but would in reality surprise ourselves.

I too dont like the cards that say 'To the best ever son/daughter/whatever in the world'. I recently nearly bought one for one of my DGDs (one of three sisters), it was a beautiful (birthday) card with beautiful words, but right at the end it said ' there never was a granddaughter more loved than you ' or ilk.

I suddenly imagined one of my other two DGDs picking it up of the window ledge and reading it . I put it back and chose another.

'off ' even!

This question is one that is difficult, I think for everyone who has lost a child. Someone recently said that my youngest was ds2. My four year old piped up and said that not he was ds3, ds2 was sleeping in xxxxxxx. Made me smile that my four year old just accepts and it is part of his life. The other person, one who should know better, was slightly taken aback. However, like Mia's mum his Is my son then, now and forever. ,

I use have and had for talking to other people, not for how I feel and I know my girls feel the same. I don't want to make every conversation about how many children I have awkward, it's bad enough in hospital trying to get my para right or trying to explain the positioning of my children, but day to day conversations it's just simpler.

Maybe I would have felt different if she had lived for more than three hours, if she had been the baby I cared for and watched grow up, maybe people would accept it easier if she had been older.