my son died shortly after he was born, now i'm pg with my third and people keep refering to the baby as number two, any advice on how to handle this please?

[whiteandyelloworchid]

i have dd 5, ds died after he was born.
now im og with number three, but people keep saying things to me about what it will be like when i have two
and its making me really sad

these are people who know i have a son too.

im sure they don't mean it in a horrible way, but just things like my friend this wekk was struggling a bit with her younger one, he kept trying to go off all the time.
she says to me this is what it will be like for you when you have two.

and there was another similar thing earlier in the week too

I think it is difficult for people to tailor every conversation tbh.

Yes you are soon to have your 3rd child but you only have had 2 dc to look after post birth that very sadly is a fact.

Perhaps something like "It still hurts so much that I don't have ds still here to already run around after" makes them realise how painful it will always be that he died and is missing from your day to day physical family life.

They might not be aware that you'd like to talk about him, OP, OTOH almost everyone is clumsy when dealing with other people's bereavement, IME.

yes i realise nearly everyone is clumsy, i bet i am myself

i dont expect people to be perfect.

so i was just lokking for a way to respond, that would be kind and fair but also get the point across that this is my third child.

its very difficult

hey whiteandyellow.. it hurts like hell that your ds is not here , you dont say how long your ds lived after birth but I am guessing from your post it wasnt long so you will be really scared for this baby too and also it doesnt help having all the pregnancy hormones going on either

what you dont need is people making stupid comments no matter how well intentioned they are ..

I have been there... my ds was stillborn 8 years ago..how can it be 8 years ... it cant be and yet it is .. you just have to be honest with people... hard as it might seem. Sit your friends down and tell them you would like them to acknowledge your ds.

Unfortunately as you have realised already you have years of how many kids do you have to come... In the early days you will want to tell everyone about your ds.. as the months and years go by you will filter the answer to the circumstances.. sometimes you will talk about your ds and sometimes you will only mention your children who are here with you ... but the times you dont mention your ds you will feel soooo guitly but sometimes its all just too much to get into

please dont worry about upsetting other people .. it was your ds that died not theirs.. their shock/grief/upset is nothing compared to yours and true friends will understand
I hope the pregnancy goes well... hoping and praying for a safe and happy outcome for you all

the way i see it: people don't mean to hurt you, or disregard that baby - they just don't know how to handle it. Because they fear hurting you, they do it anyway..

what i do is: I have three children. I had four. I dont bother if talking to someone i'm not going to see again, but best get it out of the way with people I am likely to see about.

thanks fraseres mummy, im starting to wonder if its only people that have been there than can get it.
or a few very special people with alot of empathy

i'm so sorry for your loss, 8 years ago hey?
do you find anyone talks about your son or remembers his anniversary or anything?

yes i realised very early that i would face a life time of how many children do you have.
i still find that question very very difficult.

what do you think i should have said, when my friend said to me wait till you have two?
funny thing was we spend alot of time talking about my son that day, because my friend suddenly lost her mil who she was very close to.

So sorry for your loss. I don't understand how people who know of your loss could be so insensitive.

My Aunts (now gone herself) first baby was born stillborn, it was the late 50's (days of being shaved, legs in stirrups etc) and the Dr who assisted said " Well this ones a dud , but your young you'll have more''.

She did go on to have three more children, but always said when asked "I have four children, but my eldest daughter died very young" It was a bit of a conversation stopper at times, but I think if you ask you should be able to stomach the answer, and answer with sensitivity.

Best of luck with your new baby.

Perhaps you should have just "Ouch, that hurts, I already had 2, this is number 3 remember"

It depends on your friendship and personalities. She clearly meant 2 to look after simultaneously not that your ds didn't exist and isn't your 2nd born.

Would you have felt differently if she'd add on the words "two to look after" to her sentence?

When I think of my friends who have had stillbirths I never ever forget, I think of their dc often, do my best to remember their birthdays - actually more than most other dcs tbh.

Are you so hurt because you are still very much grieving and hurting and worried (which of course you are), or are you really hurting that you feel that your ds doesn't count as your child? Are you just angry that the comment was a reminder that your son didn't live and you haven't don't the toddler and baby thing that you expected to?

*you're.

whiteandyellow, recently my own Mum was talking to ex-neighbours and told them "the youngest is four" not mentioning dd who died only last October. I didn't make a fuss in front of the neighbours but when I got her to herself, I said "Ds4 is NOT the youngest!". She did her "Oh, well.." thing but I then said "He just isn't!"
And I am hoping she won't make that mistake again.

Not sure if its my place to post with advice, having never been through this. However, my DSis died aged 4mo 33 years ago, and my DM still refers to having three children. She deals with it as Edgar mentioned, saying that she HAS 2 children but had/has had 3.

So if it comes up in conversation and people mention numbers of pregnancies, she always corrects people that she's been pg 3 times. She always refers to having had three babies (corrects people who presume otherwise) and as others said, marks ages in the same way as with her living DCs IYSWIM (so DC1 is 35, DC2 would have been 33 and DC3 is 30).

It is hard to know what to say, even with my own mum. I quite often comment on her having 2 children, or comment on the age gaps between my 2 DCs in comparison to me and my surviving DSis, forgetting that for 4m my DM had 2 DCs close in age. Its really difficult to say the right thing. However, that's not your problem, and you should do what you need to do to get through it as best you can.

yes i would have felt very different if she had said two to look after.
i would have felt that my son existance hadn't been ignorned.
i would have felt ok then.
i do agree She clearly meant 2 to look after simultaneously

"Ouch, that hurts, I already had 2, this is number 3 remember"
yes i would be able to say that aswell.

so thats two phrases i have up my sleeve now

i am so very sorry to hear about everyone elses loss. thanks for talking to me, i do actually feel a bit better for getting it of my chest.
and i will definatley say something next time.
even if its simply, oh i already have two children remember, this is my third

guess i need to assert myself a bit more than i do.

another person i know refers to my sons death as when everything happened and im planning on sayign to her next time, you can his name you know.
and you can say when babywhite was born.
rather than when everything happened.

thanks for talking to me, youve calmed me down a bit

there so any weird things that would wouldnt htink that would upset you but they do
its a hard hard road
but i will learn

thanks for the good luck wishes, means alot to me

Isn't it awful when people 'forget' our children
Why they do it hardly matters, it HURTS.
Having a rehearsed phrase is a good idea as pp have mentioned.
It is also important for YOU not to worry about upsetting THEM
Too often we are expected to be understanding, the bigger person, because people 'don't mean to upset us'
I can't work that out. How often are we told 'it's my worst nightmare', 'I would die if that happened to me' , 'I don't know how you cope'
Yet WE are the ones who should keep quiet less we upset someone

I have had two babies since my DD died. People who knew her do not discount her in the way you have described, probably because she was so much older than your little lad.
But I did have to field a lot of 'is this your first?' and 'I bet you would love a girl!' (I have 4 boys) type of comments.

I have my stock answer 'I have four boys and I had a girl but we lost her 6 years ago'

People can then respond however they choose. Their feelings are not my responsibility. I am stating a fact and acknowledging my daughter.
I know this rambling post is not exactly answering your question but I wanted you to know you are not alone.
I am so sorry you lost your little boy and people SHOULD acknowledge that he existed and that he matters.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. I hope you are ok. I had two very, very emotional pregnancies after we lost DD.

And yes, I say "I had five but my little girl died last October".

Thinking about it - my first fiance died (long time ago now, been with DH 10 years) and his lovely mum, after his death, used to tell people very matter of factly that she had 3 (adult) children but has two now. I think people take your lead when tip-toeing around bereavement, which means that it's for you to set the agenda, which helps I think.

thanks for the support and help.
yes i'm dreading the oh i bet your hoping for a boy comment.
as i have dd age 5.

mrsd ypu stock reply is good'I have four boys and I had a girl but we lost her 6 years ago'
if i have a girl i shall say, i have 2 girls and i had a boy but he sadly died.
or if i have another boy, i will say this is my second son, my first boy sadly died.

i'm already expecting the comments regarding the sex of the baby.

thank you, i think i'm ok, ish, well sometimes when things liek this happen i think bloody hell am i being mad or over sensitive, but i know how i feel and how much i love ds.
finding this pregnancy very very tough

i do think i set a strong lead, like i said i spend half the time talking to this friend about my son as my friend had just lost her mil, so we were talking about it alot.
so its not like i don't mention my son or anything

its the weird things that upset me, things most people wouldnt even think of
such as mil send dh a birthdaycard that read, of all the sons in the whole world you are the best.
i can't really explain why but that hurt like hell.
it feels like walking through a minefield sometimes.

It is a minefield, and remember if you didn't feel such pain sometimes it would mean you weren't human

Pregnancy is such a tough time emotionally when life hasn't been plain sailing for whatever reason, I cannot image just how tough it is for you at the moment.

Be kind to yourself, you are allowed to have moments or days where it's just difficult and painful and those triggers don't seem odd to me at all.

Yes be kind to yourself.
Pregnancy after a loss, specially the loss of a child is very hard.
I was a crazy person with my last two pregnancies. The combination of fear, guilt, hormones, grief, excitement, worry etc is enough to send anyone a bit mad.

I desperately wanted both my boys but when I got prg with dc4 I was shocked at how I felt. It was really not how I expected it to be.
But then nothing is ever simple again after you lose a child.

Just remember, in this abnormal world bereaved parents live in, you and your feelings are perfectly normal

thanks i shall try to be kind to myself, try to be patient and kind

sometimes i wish i could fastforward time, but i know i simply have to go through it.

it is a difficult mix of hormones grief worry sadness and hope

thanks for talking to me and helping me feel less alone.

Whiteandyellow, what i mean is that emotionally it isn't fair on you or your other children to continually remind yourself and everyone else of your loss. I was at least 7 before I found out about my brothers, I grew up knowing about my mum's joy and love in me rather than feeling I could never replace my brothers because they were never out of her mind. There's a lot to be said for internalising some of this now.

I haven't read all the posts but I know what you mean. I try to keep it simple - I have 3 children, I have had 4 children. If people talk present tense then I ignore it but if they talk past tense I pick it up "You've had three children together" "No, we've had four children together, we HAVE three".

happycamel, go and give your advice to someone else please
thanks.

Ffs happycamel
This isnt about YOU.
Do try and appreciate that

No it isn't about me, but I can give a child's perspective on it. In the long run it will be very hard on dd and new baby to hear about the other baby so much. They'll feel helpless and guilty, I don't think this is all about mum's feelings, it needs to reflect on the well being of the whole family.