Thank you for all your messages, I couldn't come back until now.
His name is James, he is my oldest son, his younger brother found him dead in his flat, he had hung himself. He has bi-polar disorder and has been unwell for a while. He is funny, clever, articulate, a know-it-all and so beautiful. We are devastated, my younger son found him, how do we help him come to terms with that?
We had so many of his friends here yesterday, I never want to see grief of this nature etched onto the faces of young people, they are hurting so very badly and cannot make sense of the situation.
We will never know if James knew how much we love him and how much we need him to be here. his friends love him and admire him, he is the go-to person for advice and words of wisdom, one of his friends said yesterday that the only person who knows the words to describe how he is feeling is gone.
We have to plan his funeral, how do we do that? How do we say goodbye when we aren't ready to? How do we let him go on this journey?
I want him back, I need him back, I always thought that 'heartbroken' was just a word, it isn't, my heart is shattered and I don't know what to do.
His stepdad can't stop crying, he is my rock and my strength, I don't know how to help him, I can't take his and my other sons pain away. I just want to wake up and it all be a huge, horrible mistake.
Sorry for rambling, this is the first time that I have been on my own since we found James. I needed to be alone to gather my thoughts, but it isn't helping.
James, I love you, you are my beautiful boy. I wish that I had told you more often, I wish that I could have made it better. I'm so so sorry.