MY son died

[mumof2teenboys]

Don't know how to say it, but need to put it down. My beautiful son was found dead last night. I don't know what to do. He is 22 but still my baby, how do you begin to process something like this?

Its my birthday

I just want to go back to bed and stay there until tomorrow. I don't want to face anyone today. It feels so wrong, how can I be having a birthday when James will never have another one.

The one present that I want is the one thing that I can't have, it's not fair, nothing feels right anymore.

Sorry, very self-indulgent post, just feel so hurt and lost today.

Yes, it all feels so very wrong, doesn't it? Suddenly you are leading a life which is impossible, but real. Michelle, take today as it comes, but do allow yourself to smile at your presents, the phone calls and cards. People aren't forgetting James as they celebrate your own birthday. Without you, James would never have been born, and the world would never have seen what a wonderful person he is, and it would infinitely poorer without you both. xx

I have no wise words Michelle, i hope Moon and Sam are with you.

Sending you much love and strength xxxx

Just thinking of you. I won't ask how you are, because that is sometimes an impossible question... or at least, I found it so. Just here when you need us. x

Me too x

I'm plodding along, this weekend has been hard for some reason. Just feel very down and lost.

Everything seems slightly surreal to me, got a letter from the NHS psych team on saturday, they would like to come and talk to us about James' case, they need to know what lessons they can learn from his death (exact quote there) Their investigation is ongoing. This has thrown me, I didn't expect them to do anything, seems a bit late now, James has died. The support wasn't there when he needed it, what good is it going to do now? All seems a bit like covering their arses to me.

James' friends are organising a gig at a local nightclub to raise money for Rethink. It is happening on the 7th of September. There are going to be bands playing that he loved. It is another thing that they are doing that he would have loved. I get really upset thinking about that, but then remember that if he hadn't died, the gig wouldn't be taking place.

I love you James, I wish that I knew if you understood just how much I love you.

Michelle, there doesn't need to be a new reason to feel down. You already have a reason... and that doesn't go away, sadly.

James' friends sound amazing. It is these sorts of kind, loving gestures which make me cry.

I know what you mean, its the smallest things that they do which set me off the most.

Every day, at least one of James' friends texts, phones or facebook messages us, just to see how we are. They have all 'adopted' Sam, they include him in nights out, playing football or just hanging out. It feels like looking after Sam keeps James closer to them.

They talk about him all the time, they write on his Facebook page, these little things mean that he isn't being forgotten by anyone, that is a comfort to me.

You're in my thoughts today.

James' friends sound lovely, it must be comforting for you to know that they are looking out for Sam too.

How are Moon and Sam doing?

Just thought I'd see how you are doing, mumof - hope you're all ok. xx

You are in my thoughts often too xx

Thank you for thinking of me, it means such a lot to think that strangers are thinking of me.

I'm back at work now, it does help by keeping me busy during the day, but it makes the nights harder to deal with. It feels like all my grief and sadness is stored up until I get home and can take the mask off. Then I grieve for the day iyswim.

The coroner has all the information needed to conduct James' inquest now. We are just waiting to hear when it is going to be and what format it will take. It could be done by written statements alone, or he may decide he needs to hear witnesses. I hope that it will be the former because I assume Sam will have to make his statement again verbally and I don't want that for him. The coroners assistant thinks that it should be all over by the end of next week.

I miss James more than ever, its been just over 9 weeks now and it still doesn't feel real somehow.

Moon has thrown himself into work and is quite impatient with me sometimes, he seems to think that I'm sad too much and that I make being at home too difficult. I don't have the emotional energy to deal with that so I tend to shut off which probably makes the atmosphere awful but I don't know what else to do.

Sam has just got a new job, so hopefully he will be starting a new, positive chapter in his life. He misses James more than he admits but is spending lots of time with his girlfriend and James' friends so I think that they are helping him through his emotions.

All in all, some progress, slow and steady I think describes it best. I will probably be back to post, it is very useful to have this place, it helps me work out my feelings, I had stopped posting because I didn't want to bore anyone.

Thumb will come along soon and say something wise, she always seems to find the right words.

Your last sentence made me cry, you have never bored me. I have often checked the thread in the last two weeks to see if you had been here, i didn't want to post and make you feel like you had to respond if you didn't want to.

Please do post if you want too. Nine weeks without your darling boy is not long, i am not surprised that it still doesn't feel real.

I hope the coroner goes with the written statements, poor Sam has been through enough already. It is great news about his job, having something new to focus on must be a good thing, is he still seeing the counsellor?

Michelle, I am really impressed. Really. Back at work, new jobs, being brave... that is huge. Utter respect for you, Moon and Sam.

I hope the inquest isn't too upsetting for you all, especially Sam. We have ours next month, and it is a terrifying prospect.

And - just in case it happens - don't worry if you feel you are 'backsliding' into grief sometimes. It happens. It doesn't need a reason. You already have a reason, and your emotional resilience may not be what it was. Just accept it, feel it, and it will subside.

FWIW, you aren't boring anyone. xx

It definitely would not bore me to see you posting. There's no time limit on grief and I will be here to read for as long as you want to keep the thread going. I often think of you.

Mumof - this is your space to talk through all the things you can't talk through at home - we are here to help and listen to you as much as we can. :)

Are you still seeing the counsellor? Did you get to see a Cruse counsellor in the end? Because if you can afford to, I really think that's something you need to continue. Having to bottle it all up at work and then bring a day's worth of sadness home isn't going to work long term :(.
I don't know if you're into physical stuff, like the gym or swimming or something - but if you are, you might find it beneficial to go there for an hour or so after work, use that time to expend some of your stored grief energy - and then go home afterwards. Ideally, you shouldn't have to but it does sound like there is a problem with what you're currently doing.
Moon too - he needs to maybe continue with the counselling, if only to understand that the sadness you carry is never going to end, it will only become easier to deal with and that the time that takes is highly individual. If he can't be brought to understand that, things will be strained for some time - in fact, him not giving you the space for your grief could hinder your processing time.

I hope for all your sakes that Sam doesn't have to speak at the inquest and am glad he appears to be getting on ok.

9 weeks is still such a short time, it really is. (((hugs))) for you - be nice to yourself and take the occasional day off if you need to, just to lift the pressure. xx

(Thanks Hokey:) )

I was seeing a Cruse counsellor but stopped, partly because I went back to work and she only works in the daytime and partly because it hurts too much to talk about him to strangers (but I can do it on here)

I have been thinking about starting swimming in the evenings, I have lost quite a lot of weight since James died and from a purely selfish point, I would like to keep that weight off. Swimming is just about the only form of exercise that I enjoy so would be good for me I think. I hadn't thought about it as a way of helping with my grief but now you have mentioned it, it does seem like a really good idea.

Moon is still seeing his counsellor, it has been sporadic due to work commitments but he is seeing her again next week. He doesn't seem to think he needs to see anyone but he is so angry with James atm, I think that he needs to work through that anger in a controlled way.

I am relieved that Sam has this new job, he has been sitting around doing nothing for too long, he is coping incredibly well, but it can't be good to have all that time to ponder and reflect on things. His counsellor has decided (with Sams' input) that he doesn't need to see her anymore and that he is dealing with James' death very well. I'm not sure if it was too soon but I'm not the expert. I do worry that if he has to give evidence, it will be too difficult for him but we have to rely on the experts to decide what will happen in that respect.

Things feel very bleak right now, the inquest frightens me but I don't know why. It will only confirm what we already know, James killed himself. I think that having a verdict and then his 'proper' death certificate will make it 'official'. The death cert will be filed with his birth cert, 22 years between them. Its not fair, how can my beautiful boy be dead? Why did he feel that this was the best option? I want this pain to stop, but it won't.

I watched the news about the Hillsborough families, they are still grieving 23 years later, I don't want to be hurting like this in 23 years time. That terrifies me, this pain is almost too big to cope with.

I just want my old life back, I want my boy back. I would deal with the devil just to have him back.

Sorry, its a pity party in my head today.

I have just reread the whole thread having lurked before. I can't imagine what you are going through and I am just so sorry about what has happened.

You write so honestly and so clearly. I feel like you are sitting next to me.

I don't think I would be capable of thinking that clearly let alone being able to get my thoughts written down.
It is still very early days but I hope things keep moving in the right direction for you and your family.

We have a date for James' inquest. The 26th of this month. The coroners officer is dropping all the documentation off this evening. The coroner is conducting the inquest on documentary evidence alone. This is a massive relief for me as it means Sam won't have to give evidence.

So if it is happening in the best way possible, am I crying so much? It hurts in a way I didn't think imaginable. My beautiful, funny, clever son is dead and it is wrong. He should be here, he should be alive. I miss him more than I can describe, everything is wrong.

michelle remember, you don't need a reason to cry. You have lost your son, and this inquest is bringing that home to you. I am so sorry. Just cry, and remember how wonderful James is. Not was.

If it helps, we will be having Mia's inquest shortly before James' inquest will be held, and I would be only too willing to PM you with my experiences so you can have some idea of what to expect. From what I understand, it is generally a fairly sympathetic process for the people, done sensitively. However, I am completely terrified about all the emotions it will evoke in me.

Oh, I have just re-read. Mia's inquest is in October, not September. So I can't help you with our experiences, but I will definitely be here to hold your hand. However, there is something called the Coroner's Court Support Services [[http://www.coronerscourtssupportservice.org.uk/ link] who can also provide help, although I think it might be regionally based.

I can't face going to the inquest, I just can't be there and hear the statements read out. I have read them and its too hard, the way they are written is calm. logical and factual. But as I was reading them, all I could think was 'this is my son'

I can't hear a stranger describe how he was found and the position of the knot (sorry, too much information) I can't hear the facts about his internal organs. I just can't.

He was MY son, he isn't a body to be described. He is James, funny, annoying, opinionated and MINE.

I know that everyone will be kind and gentle, I know that they will treat us with all the respect in the world. The coroners assistant who has been our liasion since James died is wonderful, she has been patient and gentle throughout.

I'm not strong enough, if Sam had to give evidence, of course I would attend. I can't be there, I can't do this one last thing for James and that is awful. I should be there for him but I can't. I was there from the beginning and I can't face the end. I'm feeling very weak atm.

Morning Michelle, when my dad died i remember my sisters and i having a discussion about what we should do re some arrangements (can't quite remember what). My quietest sister who never says much said in the middle of the noise 'dad would want us to do whatever is easiest on us'

I thought of that reading your post, i imagine James would feel the same way and he would want you to do what is easiest on you.

His is your lovely boy and he always will be.

I am so glad that Sam is being spared having to give evidence that must be such a relief.

Sending you love and strength xx

Michelle, I'm sorry if I upset you with my advice about the coroner and the inquest. It certainly wasn't my intention. I agree with Hokey, that you should do what is easiest for you, as I am sure that James would not want you to go through any more anguish on top of what you are already suffering - and you should not feel guilty about it. xx