MY son died

[mumof2teenboys]

Don't know how to say it, but need to put it down. My beautiful son was found dead last night. I don't know what to do. He is 22 but still my baby, how do you begin to process something like this?

Mumof - I am so so sorry. I lost my brother to suicide when I was 18, ten years this year and I remember it like it was yesterday. As a family I think we all went through so many different emotions. Guilt that none of us managed to get him through his problems. Blame on ourselves. Confusion, so many whys and having to accept that there would never be any answers. Sadness that we wouldn't see him grow old (he was 24) and all that comes with that. Anger that he did it and left us all to try and cope with a life without him in it. Grief, not being able to ever say a proper goodbye.

All I can say is to take it a day at a time. Don't put any expectations on yourself and hold onto your family.

My brother was a David grey fan. His main song was 'the otherside' at his funeral and it was very fitting.

Sending you strength and I will be thinking of you and your family. x

Fate

The feelings that you describe are so true. Its all the unanswered questions that drive me mad, the loss of his future and our future with him. When he was diagnosed, we all thought that 'ok, its not great, but at least we can move forward and start getting James the help he needs'

We now don't have that option, we can't help James and have to start building a life without him in it. One of his friends sent me some photos of James today, he looks so happy and beautiful in them, he looks content. I have cried buckets again this morning. Looking at photos of him helps because I can see that it wasn't all torment and pain in his life, he did laugh and love and enjoy his friends. Then, it hurts because we have all lost him, none of us are ever going to see him laugh and smile again.

I miss his voice, I miss his smile, it really did light up his entire face, you couldn't help but smile back. I miss his laughter, I miss his opinions and thoughts, I even miss his tears and rages, I would give anything to have him walk through the door and break down in tears in my arms once more.

It hurts, its that simple, it hurts more than I can describe. James, I love you x

I know it's just words but I will say that over the ten years since my brother died, We all had to carry on life without him but really none of us have. He may not be here in person anymore but whilst any of us are still living, he is still with us. When big events happen and I wish he was still here to see them. When I get together with family and we remember the things he did or said. We may have had to accept that in person he is gone but he will never really be gone in all senses. Death can't take away a persons presence completely. And in time it's less painful as opposed to a comfort to know that as you carry on in life, you are carrying that person with you.

I know sometimes I will see something on tv or be doing something and think, oh my brother would have loved this. And I smile because it's moments like that which remind me that he was here and through me knowing and loving him, he will always be here.

x

mumof the loss of hopes and dreams is so, so hard. That hit me again today too. And we are so helpless - we can't change anything.

Please, don't feel obliged to accommodate anyone else's curiosity or "helpfulness". This is your son, your grief, your loss. Some days you might feel sharing with one friend, because the moment is right, some days not. That is just what happens.

A mood chart is a brilliant idea. Except I use MN for that, and there is always someone here to listen.

I use MN in the same way, I come on here and get it all out, the good, the bad and the downright self-pitying.

I'm worried about Moon atm, he seems so sad and tired, he is complaining of being 'weary' all the time. I have suggested going to see the counsellor again or booking an doctors appointment to get something from them, but he tries to change the subject onto something trivial and brushes anything I suggest away. He isn't great at opening up and I'm becoming increasingly concerned that he is shutting down. To begin with, he was unusually open about his feelings and his pain but he is closing down on me. He says that he isn't but won't talk about James unless I bring him up. He is searching for answers that we aren't going to get and I know that frustrates him hugely.

Mumof, I think Moon needs some time to process perhaps - it's really hard for you, but he may just be doing things in a different order. However, if you think he is just shutting his feelings away again and trying to ignore them, then perhaps you need to ask your friend-the-counsellor to talk to him again.

I did suggest that to Moon this morning, to begin with, he was all 'no, I don't need to' after about 10 minutes (I hadn't mentioned it in this time) He said that he thought that he might go and have a chat with Chris. So, hopefully, he will go and start to process the things that are bothering him on his own and then start talking to me again.

We have managed to be so open and honest with each other up till now, this has thrown me a bit, I'm not sure how to help him if he isn't sure that he wants me to iyswim.

Does it ever get better? Nothing feels like it will ever be good again.

Michelle, i have been unable to access MN this week as i've been away.

You have been in my thoughts, i still have no wise words to help you but am still sending you love and strength to make it through another day. x

Bad, bad weekend. James' friends organised a football match to raise money for our chosen charity. I went along to support them, it was a great afternoon, the sun shone, the football was anarchic (in a good way!) they raised lots of money by selling cakes that they had made. I smiled and laughed and joined in.

Then I came home and had the worst evening I have had for a while, it was just the sort of day that James would have loved. Football, sunshine and friends. Although it was lovely to see them all doing something fun and positive, it hurt that he wasn't there to enjoy it as well. He will never enjoy himself again, nothing will make him smile and laugh again.

So, I spent the rest of the weekend upset and angry, really angry. How dare he do this to us, how dare he throw his life away, how dare he not think of the repercussions of his actions. I'm angry with him, I'm angry with me for not seeing how bad things were for him. I'm just ANGRY.

Last night, Moon and I had words, started over a text that I wanted to send to my mum, asking her to leave me alone for a while. I can't deal with her as well as my feelings about James. I asked for his opinion on the text before I sent it and he was supportive at that point. Then he started to tell me that I have been hostile towards people at times and that I have been short with his mum on a few occasions. Now, I know that I haven't always responded in an entirely appropiate manner when spoken to at least a few times but I don't think that I have been too bad overall. He then told me that I have to send my mum the letter that I have been writing, that it will help me explain my feelings. I don't want to send the letter, its my way of processing things, its not something that was ever intended to be sent. When I pointed this out to Moon, he said that if I don't send it, all I'm going to do is bottle things up and let them fester. He got quite cross with me and made me feel as though I have been ungrateful and rude to everyone since James died.

I couldn't bring myself to really talk to him this morning and he didn't seem to want to talk to me. What do I do now? I don't want to fight with him, he has been so amazing and supportive since we lost James, is he bored of supporting me now? does he feel that I'm becoming boring in my grief? Does he think that its time to move on and stop grieving? Does he have a point, am I wallowing in grief, is it time to start trying to move forward and put this behind us?

Mumof - . It's been no time at all, grief is individual and lasts however long it lasts, it's not up to anyone to tell you how to feel or when you should feel better.

Tell moon how you are feeling. You need his support right now. He needs to understand that if you are in any way being rude, it's not on purpose and that you are dealing with things as best you can at the moment. Ask him for understanding.

I did lash out after my brothers suicide. I was very angry at the world. It's a part of the grieving process and it eases. It is a good sign as it means you are feeling and not bottling things up, at least to yourself.

Mumof, remember people process things at different speeds and Moon needs to understand that as much as you do.

Of course you must not send that letter if it's a general outpouring - if he really feels you need to send a letter to his mother then it would have to be a carefully worded one, not a general emotion dump. However, if his mother is remotely sane and sympathetic, she will understand that you are in a horrible place yourself just now and will have understood why you were short with her (if you were, which is possible but generally understandable)

Explain to Moon that you are as raw as if you'd been peeled and that this not only affects how you feel about others' actions but also affects how you respond to them. It's not deliberate, it's instinctive and reactive - like a wounded animal lashing out, even at those trying to help it.

You will both go through the grief processes in your own time. They won't necessarily match each other, nor Sam's. All of you need to be open about where you're at on a pretty much daily basis, and be kind to each other, and patient with each other.

See if your friend-the-grief-counsellor can maybe see you together, help you reconcile this stuff for both of you, so that you can give each other the space and support that you both (all) need to come through this together.

Remember as well that whatever you are feeling just now is the right thing for you to be feeling - no one can tell you otherwise, however close they are to you. "Wallowing" may be a worry in months'/years' time, but certainly not at this stage. xx

I worry that I'm becoming a burden on both Moon and Sam, they seem much further along the process than me, although I'm not too sure that Sam is processing anything, he seems to be blocking things out but that might be his way of coping.

I am seeing the counsellor from Cruse this afternoon, we were given their number by the GP the day after Sam found James, Sam has an appointment with them this week as well. She might be able to help me verbalise my emotions in a better way so that I can talk to Moon. Our friend-the-counsellor is very good, but I'm hoping that someone totally 'outside' may offer a different viewpoint.

I'm frightened of pushing Moon and Sam away when in reality i need them both so much.

I expect that Moon and Sam are worrying in almost exactly the same way - that they are burdening you with their grief, while you are still immersed in your own. This is why the openness about each of your feelings needs to be there. Have you thought any more about having a book you can all write in, on a daily or whenever basis? Just to let each other know where you're at, without having to discuss it if it's too painful?

If there is one thing coming out of your posts, it's that you all care very deeply about each other and are worried for each other. That is a good thing, because it shows the love you all have for each other as well. Now you just all need to be open with each other too and all realise that you all need each others' support.

I hope the Cruse counselling goes well and that you get on with the counsellor - if you don't, you can ask for another one. Not everyone "matches" with the first counsellor they see.
xx

Thinking of you Michelle.

Thumb always has such wise words.

Hi ladies

Not too sure how I'm feeling atm, Moon has had to go away with work, trip was booked ages ago but we had 'forgotten' about it.

It feels very odd being on my own at night, I mean in bed. Nighttime is not good for me normally but the last 2 nights I have really struggled. I'm not sleeping very well and Moon being in bed is comforting, it feels very lonely without him there.

I saw the Cruse counsellor, she was lovely and seemed to know what I needed to say before I did. She made me think about things in a slightly different way to normal. It helped to have someone completely neutral to talk to. Obviously she only got to hear 'my' side of things but I am usually very good at being impartial especially in regard to my mum. The counsellor was sure that my mums' reaction to James' death is not normal and is damaging to me and my little family.

I have written to my mum, but it won't be sent. It's for me to get my feelings out, I don't want to give her another stick to beat me with so to speak.

Sam is seeing his counsellor this evening, he is really struggling. he cried the other evening for the first time since before the funeral. That has to be a good thing, we have both being extremely worried about him. He is also beginning to open up a bit, he has admitted that he misses James and doesn't know how he is really feeling. He said yesterday that it sucks because he has lost his brother and his best friend all in one. That hurt so much, its lovely that they were that close but he's right isn't he? To lose your brother or best friend is hard but when your brother is your best friend, doesn't bear thinking about.

All-in-all, not great but not truly awful either, keep crying and wishing that he was still here with us. I miss him as much as ever, I hurt inside, I feel empty all the time.

Sounds like Sam is moving on from shock and anger now - that's a good thing, even though it's still unbearably painful. I hope he continues to open up to you, so you can support each other more.

Hard to be without Moon as well - I expect he's feeling it as well, being away from home. Glad the Cruse counsellor was good, and very happy that she helped you to see how bad your mother's attitude is, not only generally but specifically for you and yours.

"Brain dump" letters can be very cathartic. I like to burn mine after I've written them - it's better than keeping them, really feels like you've then got rid of the nagging thoughts.

(thank you hokey! :) )

Hi Michelle, i'm sure it must have been very hard for Moon to leave you, how long has he gone for?

I'm really glad the Cruse lady was lovely, i hope it helped.

I'm sure it must have helped to hear that your mums' behaviour is not normal and i hope writing your letter to her has helped you get out everything you are thinking and feeling.

I'm sure it's good that Sam has cried, it must be a relief to know that he is not bottling everything up. He must worry seeing how devastated you are from the loss of James and he probably feels like he should look after you and not make you more upset by being upset himself. Did he say how he got on last night?

Thinking of you all x

Michelle, sounds like you have made some important steps, although I am sad that Moon is away at the moment. Remember, little steps is all that is possible. I agree with the others here, your family's love and concern for each other shines through. I wish I could fill that empty space for you. x

Thanks once again for your kind words ladies. It's humbling to know that strangers care for us and are interested in how we are getting on, makes up for lack of concern from closer to home.

We are taking James' ashes to Brighton tomorrow, its somewhere he loved to be and always said that if he won the lottery, he would move there. He loved being by the sea and it feels right to let him go there.

I sat and cried last night, it didn't seem real, how can he be dead? I was looking at photos of him and he was vibrant and smiling and alive. How has that energy/force just gone? It hurts again today, I want him back so very much.

Moon will be back this afternoon, I have never missed him as much as I have the last few days. I will feel better when he walks through the door. One less thing to worry about.

Sam seems 'better' His counsellor was patient with him and I think he opened up a lot to her, he has spoken about James in a more positive way but as everyone keeps saying, baby steps.

Michelle, I hope your trip to Brighton for James was as you hoped. It was a gloriously sunny day here, so I am hoping it was with you as well. Remember, James is never gone, you carry him in your heart, your love is imprinted on your soul. His life has changed yours forever.

There is always someone here to listen to you. xx

Brighton was lovely, the weather was fabulous. We went down with about 12 of James' friends, we walked on the beach paddled in the sea and then scattered his ashes into the waves.

Very emotional and more upsetting than I had thought it would be. Moon cried (a lot) which was a good (!) thing, he has been very closed off for the last couple of weeks.

Although it felt like the right thing to do, it still hurt. We have just scattered our boys' ashes, that means he is dead. I will never get used to saying that.

James, whenever you are, I hope the sun is gloriously hot and the skating is good. I love you forever and back.

Michelle, it was never going to be easy, but your day on Sunday does sound as perfect as it could be, under the circumstances. It wasn't a baby step, it was a huge one. I hope you are feeling closer now to Moon and Sam after such a difficult time last week. xx

I am sure James knows, how could he not, you're his mum, he is part of you. I am so pleased the sun shone for you all, I am sure it was the hardest thing you have ever do but it sounds like a fitting tribute. How are you doing today and how has Sam been?