MY son died

[mumof2teenboys]

Don't know how to say it, but need to put it down. My beautiful son was found dead last night. I don't know what to do. He is 22 but still my baby, how do you begin to process something like this?

Mumof/Michelle - I feel silly even writing this, but having had no major experience in loss and grief, I don't want to say anything trite or unhelpful. You are getting such wonderful advice from the ladies who unfortunately have far pertinent things to say. So I just wanted to let you know that I'm still here, still reading and I think of you and your family and your lovely James often.

(((hug)))

And Shabba - I'm very sorry for your tragic losses too. I wanted to tell you that my daughter wanted to ride to the park for the first time unaccompanied today (she is 8.5) and all I could think of was you and your DS :(

Mumof, I spent a lot of time going over and over the last moments too, and what I was doing. My little boy died while he was in bed, and I was downstairs watching criminal minds and eating my dinner. At the end of the episodes they always do a quote, and the one that night went something along the lines of, there is no tragedy so great as the death of ones child, and I remember thinking god that would be awful, when he was probably already dead upstairs. My last memories of him are awful, I was giving him cpr on the floor, went in the ambulance with him, but shut my eyes and covered my ears, and then the last time I saw him was after he died. Those memories consumed me at the beginning, how could I have just been EATING MY DINNER and he had died, maybe I had missed him calling for me or should have heard something. But now, 4 months on, I am able to block them out to an extent, and keep busy so that they are not in my head all the time. I hope the same for you.

I always try and keep in mind too, that we would do anything for our children, we love them unconditionally, and if we could have stopped it we would, and try not to beat myself up about it too much. Easier said than done but I am getting there.

xxxxxx

Thinking of you Michelle x

Thinking of all here who have lost loved ones x

I still can't totally accept why James chose to do what he did. I can accept that his illness was all-consuming and made it hard for him to rationalise things. I just don't understand how he could rationalise the mechanical process of doing what he did.

I am having horrendous dreams about James involving suffocation and smothering, I know that this is my brains way of dealing with everything but its horrible. I struggle to even think about what he did, let alone dream about it.

We didn't get to actually see him in the Chapel of Rest, we sat with him and talked to him but were advised not to see him because of the degradation of his skin. I find that very hard to deal with, I don't know if he looked peaceful or not. Of course they told us he was peaceful, but they would say that, wouldn't they?

I feel as though I am going through the motions, so to speak. I cook, clean, do laundry, speak to people, make cups of tea etc. I'm doing it because its expected of me, not because I want to. I usually love cooking, but am finding it a chore like cleaning windows (has to be done, just hate it) I know that I can't just curl up and ignore the world because Sam and Moon need me, I just want to.

I have this James sized hole in my heart, and I cannot imagine feeling any different. I miss him so much its a physical pain, like a broken bone. There is no pill to take it away though. This pain needs to be worked through and dealt with in a way that I haven't worked out yet.

Mumof, I'm sure I don't have the right words but with regards to not seeing him in the Chapel.. My mum deeply regretted seeing her mum 1 week after she'd died, just before the funeral. In her view it wasn't her mum and that image is ingrained on my mums memory now.
I imagine it's different when it's your own child but maybe, in time, you will be glad that your last memory of his face is a living one.

Morning Michelle, like EMS25 said my dh didn't want to see his best friend but his bf's sister said that he looked peaceful and lovely so dh went.

Dh came home from the chapel and was distraught, he said it was a mistake going and that he didn't look like his bf at all. Now when he's upset about his bf he says that's the last picture he has of him in his mind and it is something he really regrets. I am so glad i didn't go and feel so sorry for dh.

I am sure it must be different when it is your darling son but maybe in time when you remember James it will be better that it is a happy living memory.

Lots of love to you all today.

I would third the "not seeing him" point, Mumof. I did go to see my Nanna in the chapel of rest and she just looked like a waxwork, not like my beloved Nanna at all. The funeral director would not have warned you against it if he had actually looked anything like your James - and you have escaped seeing him in a very unJames-like state, instead of your last memories of his living, smiling face.

Remember that he wasn't there any more - whatever your religious/spiritual or otherwise beliefs, what was left was a shell, not James. He was long gone from his body.

The James-hole in your heart won't ever heal as such - but you'll learn to live with it in time.

How's it going with the counselling? any help? xx

When I am being logical and calm, I think that not seeing James was for the best, but when I am having a moment or several, it hurts. I suppose there is that little bit of me that needed to see him one last time and we were denied that by James really. He died 4 days before he was found so was bound to be in a state. That makes me so angry and upset, I've said that before upthread.

The counselling has been useful I think, Sam went to see him the other night and came back quite cheerful. It seemed to do him a lot of good.

I'm struggling with the unanswered questions atm, but that is normal after a suicide I think. So many questions that we will never have the answers to because the person who could give us the answers has gone. Its the unfinished nature of James death that bothers me so much. He didn't/couldn't confide in any of us and that hurts.

I am in such a mess, Moon keeps telling me that he is worried about me, I'm worried about me too. I cry at the smallest things, I went to the shop yesterday and saw a funeral, I came home and cried for ages. Crying for another family and their pain.

I know that this will pass, I know that the pain will get easier to bear, I know that in time, I will learn to live with my James sized hole but right at this exact point in time, I can't imagine getting to that place.

My mum has been useless, she hasn't contacted me in 2 weeks, I have seen her once since the funeral, she couldn't make her feelings any clearer could she? That hurts too, in a way, it feels like another loss. She has abandoned us and doesn't actually care. I have lost James and my family all at the same time. Isn't the loss of James enough for me to cope with? Why can't she even pretend to care? would it really be so hard for her to fake empathy and concern just for a few weeks?

All of this is jumbled up in my head, I'm trying to process James death and the realisation that my little family doesn't matter to my mum. One of those is hard to deal with, but put both together and its almost impossible. I'm angry and upset and hurt all at the same time, I cannot work out what to do or how to do it. Moon feels that my feelings towards my mum, sister and nephew are diverting me away from the loss of James, but to me, they are all part and parcel of loosing James.

Any ideas wise ladies? Does anyone know of any coping methods to use because I could surely use some words of wisdom from somewhere. You are all so wonderful and have let me ramble for the last 4 weeks. Thanks xxx

Mumof, I think that it might be an idea to look at your mum, sister and nephew in a different light. Of course in an ideal world they would be rallying around you, supporting, offering help and comfort - but from what you've said they just aren't that sort of person. Which being the case, they are probably best off away from you, or they'd be burdening you with how badly James' loss has affected them and expecting you to support their feelings. Which would be terribly difficult to deal with and would leave you feeling even more isolated, if that were possible.

You are so important - to Moon and Sam, and to James - and to yourself. Put your mum, sister and nephew in a black box in your head and shut the lid - that pain/negativity is something that could be dealt with a lot later if it has to be, but right now, ignore it as best you can.

Focus on Moon, Sam and yourself. Focus on pulling together as a family, the ones that really matter and who really all care about each other, instead of being so self-centred.

Anger, hurt, upset, crying - all normal. You are still as raw as if you'd been burnt all over - you've lost a layer of protection, the one that woudl normally stop you reacting to everything instantly. It will come back.

Hopefully the counselling will continue to help ease you back into a state of ability-to-cope - and of course you can continue to offload and talk about whatever you need to here. xx

Thumbwitch

Thank you yet again for knowing what to say. It helps more than you can know.

I think the concept of putting mum, sister and nephew into a box is brilliant, I hadn't thought of doing it that way. You are right, I can focus on Moon and Sam, instead of being affected by other family members lack of interest in us.

I am trying very hard to put Moon and Sam first, I am doing all the things I can to help them, I know that I can come across as self-centred and selfish at times but they really are my priority. I worry about them both constantly, probably to the point of annoying them sometimes. I cook, clean, worry about laundry solely for their benefit. I ask about their day, feelings, hopes and fears. I listen to them and hold them close, I tell them how much I love them every day.

I am trying to do the right things and worry that I'm not getting it right. Although I know that I didn't fail James, I am trying so hard to make sure that I don't fail Moon and Sam. It's just hard to know what to do sometimes, its hard to know how to make sure that I don't do the wrong things by my little family.

Hi mumof

Am glad you found thumb's post helpful - just one little thing - I don't think thumb meant you were being at all self-centred, I imagine she was thinking more of your Mum there and other less than helpful family members ?

Thinking of you and Moon and Sam seems like a good plan for now -
Sounds like you are doing an amazing job with looking after them - I hope you feel cared for by them too x

Thinking of you, Moon and Sam Michelle x

Oh goodness, thanks Juggling, yes of course that was what I meant! I didn't for a second mean to imply that you were being self-centred and am very sorry if it came over like that.
My only excuse for buggering up the syntax like that is that it was 1:30 am here, and I may have been a touch tired - I normally check for "double meanings" etc., especially in sensitive areas like this.

So very sorry to have been so daft.

I agree everlong. I think you have to be self centred in order to get through the early days especially. When mum committed suicide when I was a teenager (I know that is in no way comparable to losing a child in the same way) I was far too eager to behave in a way and do things that others felt were the "right" way. Looking back, I should have looked after myself more, and worried less about those around me who told me when I should be feeling better, what I should be doing.
Mum Concentrate on yourself, Moon and Sam, and let them concentrate on you too.

As everlong said, an hour at a time. If that is too much at times then just 1 breath at a time.

((((()))) to you xx

Totally agree with Everlong. I tried the 'pin on the smile and pretend everything is OK' route. It doesn't work. It is the most rubbish route to take. It ends with deep resentment for everybody you are 'propping up' and it takes one much smaller event to send you crashing down. For me the event was our elderly Golden retriever dying.....I went berserk, screamed and cried like there was no tomorrow. The 'early days' of grief are revolting, painful like no other pain and seem never ending. xxxx Take care sweetheart xxx

I am new here just today and your loss has brought me to tears , I have a son in his twentys and can not think what you must be going throw, Im wishing you lots and lots of love sweetheart at such a hard time in your life.

Hello ladies

I thought that I was doing 'ok' but a friend came round yesterday, I haven't seen her since James died. she obviously wanted to know what had led up to his death. I know that she was trying to be supportive but it hurt so much all over again. Everytime I think that I'm dealing with things to the best of my ability, something comes along and swipes my feet out from under me again.

One of Sams' friends had a little boy yesterday, now I am thrilled and grateful that he is here and he's ok (Sam says he is the most beautiful thing he has ever seen) BUT, James is never going to have a family, he is never going to hold his newborn in his arms. I'm never going to watch him raise a family. That hurts like hell, it is yet another thing that he isn't going to do.

I know that he might not have had children, I know that he might never of got married, but its the loss of hope and dreams that I mourn. Not just mine for him, but his own for himself.

All that potential gone, all his hopes,dreams and fears just gone, wiped out because of some stupid illness.

I miss you so much James, I love you more. Keep an eye on Sam, he misses you more than he can say.

My friend made her surviving DCs mood wheels when her daughter died. They were circles with a split pin and an arrow IYSWIM . There were a variety of options to choose from (and age appropriate options), but things like "Okayish" "Sad" "Lonely" "Angry" "I don't want to talk about it" "I do want to talk about it" "I need a hug" "Leave me alone" etc. She used to joke that she wished she had the balls to make one for herself and put it on the front door for anyone who came to visit. However, when she had to bury a second one of her children, she did. Over a year later it is still there, she updates whenever her mood changes.

XXXXX

mumof, please don't be afraid to tell people that you don't want to talk about it, if you don't feel able. There will be times, of course, when you do want to talk about it but if you're having a bad day, your friend's wanting to know, does not supercede your right to keep it to yourself. Sometimes talking about it can be like dragging the whole thing back up over and over again.

Thats exactly what it felt like, it felt like ripping a newly formed scab from a deep cut iykwim.

I'm trying so hard to be brave but things like that make me realise that I'm very far away from brave. I'm still a bag of raw emotions that I'm struggling to contain.

James girlfriend sent me a link to some lyrics today. The band aren't the best but the lyrics made me cry. If anyone wants to read them, the band are called Pianos Become The Teeth, the song is I'll Get By. It sums up how Bex is feeling atm and I can relate to most of what it says.

I feel sore all over, like sunburn. Every part of me is sensitive to touch like my nerve endings are exposed. I never realised that grief was actually a physical pain until now.

Dances, that's so sad for your friend but what an excellent idea. Saves so much in terms of trying to explain, and gives people a "heads up" on how to treat you, maybe.

Mumof - loss of potential, all those things that James isn't ever going to have the choice to do, such a big thing to deal with. It will keep happening - when Sam gets married, all his firsts, everything that he does that you would have hoped for James to do as well, if not before Sam - each time will be a reminder that James hasn't done them. It will get easier to deal with but will still be sad.

For now though, just let your feelings do what they will - and yes, tell people if you're not in the right state to discuss things - some people have the hide of rhinos and might think they're "helping" by getting you to talk it through - but in reality they might just be after the ghoulish details, which you are under NO obligation to give them. Just say no if that's the way you feel.

Hope the grief counselling is still ongoing and that it's helping. xxx