MY son died

[mumof2teenboys]

Don't know how to say it, but need to put it down. My beautiful son was found dead last night. I don't know what to do. He is 22 but still my baby, how do you begin to process something like this?

Oh mumof, I just want to be able to give you a big ((hug)) in RL - you're words are so heartbreakingly touching. I'm blubbing all over the place for you, can't imagine how you must be feeling.

Keep everything that means something for now. Nothing needs to go until/unless you're ever ready to get rid of it - could take years (maybe never) and that's fine.

You have me in tears too Michelle.

I know i have said it before but your love for James shines through in your posts, my heart aches for you it really does.

Sending you a big hug x

Sending a massive hug and my thoughts and support. Wish I could meet up with you to tell you it will, slowly, (now I am searching for better words than 'get better.') change.....very gradually you will remember happier times, you will even dare to smile (and then feel guilty for doing it) on the bereaved Mums thread we call it 'walking the crappy path.' There is no time limit, there is no 'set way' to walk the path. Often we talk half a step forward and a thousand back. xxx

Not sure how I feel today, we (Moon and I) went to see the grief counsellor last night, it was ok, he said the things that I was half-expecting him to say. He talked alot about keeping the communication between the three of us going. He feels that by talking to each other, we will all help one another. Which makes sense, just need to get Sam to open up now!

He also said that Sam might be feeling slightly to one side atm because of the fact that Moon and I have each other, but that is normal and just to keep gently reassuring Sam that he is very much part of the circle. Sam has been avoiding eating with us but I'm going to try and reinforce family mealtimes once more. We have always eaten as a family apart from weekend evenings since Sam got old enough to go out for the evening.

He told Moon that he needs to open up a bit more and say the things that are bothering him, even if he thinks that it will hurt me. It's time to be completely honest with one another.

So, all in all, pretty much what I was expecting. Feel very low today, keep thinking about James and what he did.

Not in a good place today

Counselling can have that effect, or it might just be another "low" day, Mumof. But yes, counselling has a tendency to pull the plasters off the wounds, leaving you feeling a bit raw again - sticking with the metaphor, getting some air to the wounds is generally overall beneficial, but it just hurts at first.

More (((hugs))) for you xx

Family meals sound like a good thing to do. Even if you all sit there silently the first few times, it will be good to be together and for Sam to be with you both.

PLEASE don't feel guilty about what you could have done to make this different. There is nothing you could have done or did do to cause this. That took me a long time to accept too.

When you lose someone important to you in this way, it is letting go of any perceived guilt you feel that help you to remember your loved one best.

I lost my Dad, who was my sole carer, in exactly the same situation when I was just 10yo. He had bi-polar too. I blamed myself for years, because I didn't make him see a doctor and I told the family courts that I wanted to live with my mother. Less than a week later he was dead.

Letting go of the guilt (and anger) was the one thing that helped me to be able to remember him without feeling awful.

I am truly sorry that you and your family are having to cope with this. Xxxx

box up everything of james and keep it - if need be put up in loft etc till you are ready to go through it

dont throw anything away at the moment, its too soon and everything is raw and you may regret throwing out something at a later date

and again i will say please dont blame yourself - easier said then done, but with counselling hopefully you will come to reliese that there was/is nothing you could have done when someone is that low and depressed they feel there is no way out other then ending their life - it is no reflection of your love for your son james or his love for you xx

James' girlfriend and one of his friends came to see us yesterday, it was lovely to see them, they had been on a picnic and thought they would check up on us on the way home. They both seem so sad still, Bex had a cry while she was here, she said that she is trying to be strong for everyone but gets down sometimes. We told her that she doesn't have to be strong all the time and that its ok to have a wobble.

Sam is not in a good place, he is bottling everything up and not talking to anyone anymore, his gf was here as well yesterday and she is very worried about him.

I don't know what to do to help him, he has shut down so tight, he is running around being 'busy' and 'helping' people that he isn't eating properly or sleeping well. Last night was the first evening since James died that he ate a meal and stayed in all evening. Ok, Moon and he were playing PS3, but at least he was in and not out drinking.

Its exactly 4 weeks since James died, still can't quite get my head around writing that, James is dead. Doesn't sound real in a way. How can he be dead? He is my boy who has plans for his future and dreams and hopes and fears. He makes me laugh and think about the world in different ways, he lights up the room with his smile. He has opinions on everything and isn't backward in coming forward. He is funny and cheeky and moody and difficult. He is my beautiful blue-eyed boy and I miss him so so much.

James, I love you, please keep an eye on Sam, he misses you more than words can describe. xxx

MumOf, are you keeping a journal? You write so eloquently and (apologies if it seems an odd word in the circumstances) beautifully about James. What about c&p'ing all your posts into a separate document and maintaining that as a type of memento/journal/feelings log?

You say it's hard to think of things that represent what he means to you all, but it's pouring out of your posts with every word. Maybe, maybe if it felt appropriate, you could show it to Moon and Sam on the days that you feel you can't say what you're feeling out loud? It could encourage them to open up or start their own journals.

Following on from what Minnie suggested - perhaps you could have a communal book that you all write your thoughts in as they come to you - then Moon and Sam and even Bex would be able to see what you're thinking, and you would be able to see what they're thinking and feeling - and it would be cathartic and hopefully helpful for all of you.

It wouldn't matter who wrote most often and who wrote least - but you could all have access to it whenever.

And then nothing to stop you all having individual private journals as well for those things that you don't actually want to share.

Thinking of you all the time. xx

Very bad day today, I can't stop crying. All I seem to be able to 'focus' on is the end of James' life.

Sorry if this offends, but I need to get it down somewhere...

James hung himself on the saturday and wasn't found until tuesday when Sam broke into his flat because no-one had seen him since friday. All I can think of today (and all last night) is the fact that he was in the flat on his own hanging for 4 days. We were going shopping, watching the olympic torch relay, eating meals and doing the garden whilst he was dead and alone.

My poor boy, all alone and dead, just hanging there like a fucking coat.

Why can't I get this image out of my head? Why can't I focus on something else? I feel sick and shaky and want to scream.

Sorry, I said it was horrible and I'm sorry if I have upset anyone.

Hugs. I am so sorry. Do you have anybody with you? I can stay around until somebody better to help you comes along.

mumof, this is your space to get out whatever you need to.
I don't know if you have any spiritual beliefs or not, but it might help you to think that although his body was hanging there, his spirit was long gone, set free and flying. In a way, your "coat" analogy is perfect to help with this - he'd shrugged off his bodily covering and set himself free.
If you don't have any spiritual beliefs, that may not help at all - but I hope it does.
Sorry to ask, but did you actually go and see him there, or did Sam just phone the police and let them deal with James' body?

Oh sweetheart you will naturally have these thoughts but if you even had an inkling that he was going to do that you would have been round to his house in a heartbeat.

I feel like I always start going on about 'my story and my sons' but, sadly, thats how I have experience of your emotions. My DS3 (7 years old) had the most horrendous collision with a reversing flat back lorry. I cannot write down the sight that met me outside my house that afternoon. I struggled with this for many years - the fact that I was in the house making Sunday dinner while he was hit by that lorry. The accident happened outside our front gate. I pray, with all my heart, that he knew nothing about it. We are always plagued with the circumstances around our childrens death. I struggle to watch programmes like 'Casualty' on telly....and its been 20 years since Matty was killed.

Just let the tears flow love. Sometimes that is the only thing we can do xxxx

I have had a friend here for some of the day, but she has had to go, things to do, kids to sort out etc.

I'm not great company either at the moment which probably doesn't help. I go though the motions, make small talk, offer cups of tea and play with her DD, but I don't want to be bothered by people, but hate being alone at the same time iyswim.

I hate this feeling, I hate crying, I hate this life. I want our old life back, it wasn't perfect but it was ok. This life is lousy, it sucks, I hate James being dead, I hate the fact that I couldn't see just how ill he was. I hate everything right at this precise moment.

Yes, I do. Cry, and do small, lovely things for yourself. It is horrible and it's OK to do what you need to do to get through - small steps, one thing at a time.
Hugs xx

Thumbwitch

Sam found him in the flat, then went outside to phone the police. The police were already there by the time we got there (about 5 minutes after Sam rang us) The policeman wouldn't let us into the flat because he said that we didn't need to see James like that. (His words) Sam says that he only saw James from behind but saw enough to know what he used to hang himself with and knew what was hanging up next to him.

As far as I know, the police or the paramedics cut James down and certified death after we had left the building.

Shabba

Thats what haunts me, the idea of James tying the noose around his neck and knowing that he was going to die very shortly. I can't get past that today, what was he thinking? was he even thinking? would he have done it if he had any idea that Sam was going to be the one who found him?

Sorry, very self-indulgent today.

You can be as self-indulgent as you need to be, Mumof, it's necessary to do whatever helps you get through this.
I am glad that Sam only saw him from behind, and that you didn't see him at all - although imagining it is not great either it's better than the reality.

I would think that the only thing James was thinking was how to stop the pain he was in, mentally. I may have mentioned this before on here - a friend's brother had paranoid schizophrenia with voices telling him he was evil and had to die; he chose to go out into the woods with petrol and set fire to himself. She was of course devastated but relieved for him that his pain was now over - because he had been in so much distress with it for so long. It's a bit different for you because James hadn't been ill for so long - but who knows how bad the pain is, the compulsion to do anything to make it stop. :( And no, he wouldn't have even thought about the effect it would have on anyone else while he was in the throes of that pain - making it stop would have been all-encompassing.

Oh the 'if onlys' and 'what ifs' and 'if only I had known'.....those horrible words race around our brains and kick us hard in our hearts. Its a terrible, dark place to be. I don't personally think that James was thinking about consequences but I dont have any medical experience at all so that is just my point of view. Im so sorry you feel this way today.....sometimes reality is a revolting thing. Keep talking my friend, keep posting. xxx

Thumbwitch

When I am calm, I know that the things you are saying are the truth. i know that James' pain was consuming him and that he wasn't capable of thinking of anything outside of that. In a way, thats what hurts so much, now knowing that the pain was too great and not realising it when James was still here.

I wish with all my heart that I had had a better understanding of James' illnessand the effect that it was having on him. I honestly believed that the medication and therapies he was having were going to 'help' him deal with his illness. Going through his things, we have discovered that although the rapid-cycling seems to be a new diagnosis, he was diagnosed with some form of bi-polar 2 years ago. I wish he had confided in us then, we might have been able to help him better.

Feel full of regrets today. James I love you xxx

Michelle, although i have never lost a child, my older brother committed suicide a couple of years ago - he hung himself.

For such a long time as well as just missing him i could not get over the fact that he was in such a dark place that he felt that was his only choice. That he couldn't speak to me or anyone else, the thought of him being in such despair is one that makes my cry now just thinking about it. I just hope he knew that i loved him, i still can't believe he did it.

Dh's best friend died recently, he had lots of issues with drugs and drink, he was only 37. The thing that his dad is finding hardest to cope with is that we know he probably died four days before he was found, by a friend. He feels terrible that he was getting on with life whilst his son was dead. It is tragic and upsets us still.

I am not for one minute trying to compare either of these situations to yours or insinuate that my grief is in any way comparable to yours but i just wanted to let you know that some of the thoughts and feelings you describe and thoughts and feelings that i recognise.

Sending much love to you and your family xxx

Mumof - I have no useful words to say what I want to without sounding either trite or stupid - but I'll have a go - I hope that today's pain brings a level of catharsis, and that tomorrow is calmer for you. Pain days will continue to happen - all sorts of things will trigger them - but I hope that the following days are less painful as a result, that the pain will bring its own relief, if that makes sense.

I have to go to bed now so will just send you a massive (((hug))) for yourself, Moon and Sam xx

So so sorry for the less of your son James xxx

Sorry for typo, loss xx