MY son died

[mumof2teenboys]

Don't know how to say it, but need to put it down. My beautiful son was found dead last night. I don't know what to do. He is 22 but still my baby, how do you begin to process something like this?

So, so sorry for your loss.

I tried to commit suicide due to severe mental health problems. I took an overdose and ended up in intensive care with liver failure. I was very lucky to pull through, the doctors told my parents the prognosis was poor.

Mental illness can cause unbearable pain, and can be more disabling than many think it is. I was at university when I had a breakdown. I felt I had no control over my life and my own mind - I had an essay to complete and didn't have the concentration. What I am trying to say is this: Don't blame yourself. Mental illness is an illness like any other, and isn't the fault of the sufferer or their family. My family didn't see it coming and that's not their fault. It's a hidden illness. From my time in mental hospitals I can assure you that many depressed people seem fine on the outside.

I wish I could take away your pain. xxx

michelle you are bruised and battered, how could you not be? The pain is unbearable, yet somehow, some way, you will get through today, and tomorrow, and the next day... I can't give you any wise advice, only a hand to hold as you move into each day. But I believe you can do it. You have love, so much love for James, for Moon and for Sam. This is what makes me believe in you.

Thank you again ladies,

Once again, you have offered me an 'ear' and your advice, love and thoughts.
I went into work this morning, only managed until 1pm and have come home now. I will go in again tomorrow and try for as long as I can, baby steps are the only way forward atm.

I handed James' keys back to the council today, I HAD to do it on my own, it was important to me to do it that way. Moon has been so strong and brave but I have to shoulder some of his pain too, its unfair to let him do everything without me. He thinks that he is shielding me but in reality, he is numbing himself to the pain.

We are all 3 of us trying to make sense of the unimaginable and are attempting to shield each other from our individual pain. That is so sad and silly, we all hurt but seem to be 'strong' for the others when they are 'weak' Sam is just a young man with all his maturing still to do (I read somewhere that the brain isn't fully mature until 22?) but he is proving to an amazing, strong and brave young man.

Moon is mourning the loss of his stepson, but is really mourning the loss of his son. In all the ways that count he has been James' dad for the last 13 years. I wish that they had both realised just how much love was there between them. They built our conservatory together last year and in the process of doing that, they built a proper adult relationship, they went through some difficult times when James was a teenager. Building the conservatory repaired those fractures, they were friends again. Moon takes huge comfort from that.

Sorry, rambling again, you ladies are the best.

Michelle x

Just ramble on here, getting all your thoughts out helps x

Sending you a huge squidge xx

Sending you a hug, still thinking of you all x

Sorry to keep banging the counselling drum, Michelle but perhaps it would help you all to learn to open up to each other, to lean on each other instead of all trying to stand separately? Are you all afraid that the sum of your grief will overwhelm you all?
It's great that you are taking turns to support each other, trying to keep the load off each other - but it doesn't sound as though it's working that well for you.

Anyway - in the end it's your choice - just remember that the option is there.

Lots of love to you all xx

I am still thinking of you all. I wish I could say more or shoulder some of your pain. You are being amazingly brave. Love and thoughts with you xx

The conservatory story sounds lovely. Maybe make it a special place to remember James in - with extra photos and some of his favourite things.

minniebar - yes i was lucky enough (strange thing to say i know) to be given a blanket and had many snuggles every night as was on my bed during the cold winter months - woolly hugs were amazing

michelle-i agree with some who say go to your doctor but be wary, mine try to give me antidp's and i refused - i wasnt depressed, i had just lost the love of my life

same with sleeping tablets, personally i didnt want to get hooked on anything and coped by myself and with talking to friends and family but also i have an amazing counsellor through cruse-she really helped me and got to talk about my grief (and guilt) with someone totally out of the picture

baby steps as always and i hope james cat will be comfort to you - butter her paws and she should never stray and also hope sitting in the conservatory will help xx

The counsellor we know came back from his holiday yesterday, we will catch up with him during the week, I think that him not being here for the first 2 weeks has probably been a good thing, it has given us a chance to start working through our feelings. Now we just need help starting to make sense of them.

I feel numb again today, everything feels unreal iykwim. I know logically that James is dead, but I seem to be struggling to process it today. I'm not in denial, I know its a real fact but its James loss that I am struggling with.

Is that normal? Why all of a sudden?

It's normal, yes - part of the "healing" - you can do a 2 steps forwards, 3 steps back thing. I know there are the 5 stages of grief, but you can flit back and forth between them, they're not necessarily sequential. Your bod/brain can sometimes be trying to help you by shutting down for a bit because it's just too much otherwise; tomorrow is another day and it may be all too painful again.

As I may have mentioned before, there is no right or wrong in the stages, how they go for you, everyone is individual - the only potential problem is if you get stuck in any one phase for "too long" (and how long too long may be is very "piece of string"-ish)

One day you will feel happy for a while - and then you may feel unbearable guilt for feeling happy (you may not, it's not a given!) - this is normal too.

Hope your counsellor friend can help you, if not personally at least to find someone else who can (although I hope at least he can take Moon on).

Michelle, yes, this is normal, sadly. Grief comes in waves - some much larger than others, and often, there is nothing to indicate it is going to happen. Allow yourself to feel, and you will float on top of them, rather than sink... they will move on. xx

Morning everyone

How was work yesterday Mumof/Michelle - did it go better than the day before?

XXXX Dances

Didn't manage work yesterday, got up ready to go, got ready and then just lost it, couldn't stop crying, shaking, just an absolute mess.

Managed to get to the doctors and he has signed me off and given me anti-anxiety meds to get me through the next couple of weeks. Feels like several steps backwards and I hate feeling this useless.

Moon spent an hour with some friends of ours last night, both of them work in the MH sector. He came home quite sure that it had been helpful to talk to people who have an understanding of MH, but he just got angry at James and spent most of last night raging. I know that he needed to get angry but it was horrible to watch and not know what to do.

Everything feels unreal, like some kind of nightmare, it doesn't feel as if we have moved on at all since James died. Its a very odd type of limbo but then it seems to have gone so fast and as if we ought to be back to normal.

We are going to see the grief counsellor today or tomorrow, hopefully things might start to make some kind of sense then.

Is it like 'watching a bad dream?' I remember being so very angry that the world had carried on without me. I too was very angry with Gareth for being born with such a serious heart problem and beyond angry with Matt for not doing as he had been told, and riding his bike on our quiet road. I was very angry with them both and very angry with the World....and myself, and total strangers, an old people (how dare they be alive and my children not) The more I have learnt about grieving the more I realise that our emotions, no matter how weird they seem, are totally, totally normal. xx

It's like reading a book, you are involved in as much as you are reading it but not physically involved. Does that make sense?

It feels as though I can 'put the book down' and walk away from it. I know in reality that I can't but its how I feel, not all the time but every now and again.

I am so angry with my family, my mum has been beyond useless, my sister is a selfish cow and my nephew is vile. I want to hate them with a passion, but for the first time in my life, I need my mum. I really need her to be here for me, but even if she was, it would be wrong because she never has before and it would feel forced.

Im so sorry that your family are not helping with anything.

I used to say, when people asked what 'it' was like.....'the only word that goes anywhere near to it is weird....weird was my only word.'

It is painful and totally exhausting xx

Oh Michelle - so sorry that you are getting no support from your mum. That's shocking really - can't understand how people can be so selfish at such a time.

Moon's reaction is, I think, completely normal. And it also makes sense that you feel like you are on the outside of life, watching the world carry on while you are in a maelstrom of feelings that don't belong in the "normal" world. Glad the GP has signed you off.

I really hope that the counsellor friend can help you out. xx

My mum is on holiday from work this week, they haven't gone 'away' but are pottering about.

She hasn't rang any of us to see how we are, I don't think she wants to hear the truth. As long as we say that we are 'fine', that will suit her. But she isn't ringing to even ask.

Cruse rang me this morning, I contacted them the day after James was found, I had actually forgotten that I had made contact
The lady was very nice and I ended up saying a lot more than I thought I would. She is referring us all for counselling but they only do individual sessions, so we will all be waiting different times. She thinks that Sam might benefit from some PTSD counselling at some point. He is top of our little list, Moon and I will get help after Sam.

We will still go and see our friend in the meantime, he will be able to help Moon and I understand each others point of views, we mostly seem to be feeling the same things but he says he doesn't want to 'burden' me with all his anger.

We knew that James was on medication, but he was also self-medicating with alcohol and cannabis. We had begged him to stop smoking and from what his friends have told us (and there is no reason to lie to us now) he had cut it back to light social use. The drinking, on the other hand, was getting out of control but we didn't see him drunk or tipsy very often. I would sometimes wonder if he was hungover, but put that down to being depressed.

That is one of things that Moon is most angry about, James knew that he had to be so careful of what he did in regards to drinking/drugs but didn't seem to be able to follow the rules. Moon is upset but furious at the same time, he doesn't understand what James was thinking and I don't seem to be able to make him understand that James wasn't thinking clearly at all.

I have been following this thread, and am so sorry. My little boy died 4 months ago now, at the age of 3, very suddenly. Your post asked for some advice, and while I am not sure this is exactly advice, its what has happened to me over the past 4 months and can (hopefully) show you the progress that I have made so that you feel some hope.

The funeral was 3 weeks after he died, and I don't remember what I did in those 3 weeks except lie in bed and cry hysterically. Someone dad/parents in law/sister/friends looked after my other 2 little boys and I barely left my room. I couldn't eat or sleep properly, so spent all night awake sobbing and then all day asleep.

On the day of the funeral I pulled myself together and got through it ok.

Gradually I started to set myself little tasks. Leave the bedroom, make my boys lunch, dinner, allow people to come and see me, pick my son up from school.

There are so many things that I still can't manage, but have noticed that I am getting back to things that I used to do very slowly. Cooking dinner, laundry, bathing kids, taking them to swimming lessons, going to the school more.

Recently I have watched my little boy in his school play, took my baby to a baby group, and yesterday it was my little boys first day off from school, and for the first time since he died I got up before lunchtime and spent the whole day with them, and took them out for the day to a waterpark and for ice cream.

When I think back to what I was like 4 months ago I can barely believe that I have accomplished these things. I was saying on another thread that it feels like I am just emerging from a fog and now I need to try and build some kind of life. I still cry every day, sometimes most of the day, sometimes off and on, and sometimes only once, but it is always there. Today I have cried once so far. I can't look at photos or videos, and have realised some of the things that trigger me feeling even worse, such as photos.

I have allowed myself to feel every emotion and not be afraid of it. My thinking is that if I let it all in now as painful as it is, that is what has to be done to be able to get through it. There are times when I howl, throw stuff, scream, but I don't care as it makes me feel a fraction better. I also know that I am not losing my mind.

Everyday I have wanted to be with him, but I am noticing that if I keep busy, that thought doesn't consume me all the time now. I have also noticed that I am no longer clock watching and thinking about what we did at so and so time. He died on a Wednesday, so today I am normally a mess, but have been ok today and the times of events haven't been as much on my mind.

The one piece of advice I have taken from someone who had this happen, is that I have to make new memories. Its the hardest thing to do because I don't want to live this life, but I think for me it is true. I am slowly trying to do things so that I don't always think that the last time I did it it was with him. We have booked to go abroad in a few weeks too. Like you, I still struggle with getting used to the fact that I have 2 boys and not 3, and feel terrible about it everytime I leave the house - and for that reason I have hardly left the house for 4 months. I am going to try and make sure that my son has a nice summer holidays, and that seemed unimaginable before. We have had eater holidays and June half term since he died, and I can't even remember where the kids were let alone what they were doing.

I hope this helps just a little bit. I know when I was in the really early days I got a lot of support from here, its so comforting to know that people have done this before me and are learning of ways to cope with it. Maybe looking in it doesn't look like I have accomplished much, but to me, knowing how hopeless and desperate I felt, it is massive amounts. xxxxx

xxxxxx

twinkle i am so sorry for the loss of your son.

That was such a generous post.

Lots of love to you and your family.

Well put Hokey - that was a very generous post.

Twinkle I am deeply sorry for the tragic lose of your son and wish you strength in your healing too

ah Twinkle, so very :( and sorry for your loss. What a helpful post though, and hope that you do have a nice holiday, even though it will always feel as though something is missing. xx

Mumof - I'm glad that the Cruse lady has phoned you back and that they are setting things up for you.
I can understand Moon's anger, also born out of grief of course - and hopefully the counselling will help him to understand that James was using alcohol as self-medication because he was unwell. He's probably also really angry that James has upset you and Sam so badly, as much as himself - and there's nothing he can do to fix it.
Good luck with your friend. x

Twinkle

Thank you for your post, it does help to hear from people who are just that little bit further along this crappy road.

I started making James' memory box yesterday, I am doing it as a way of being able to show Sams' children (if and when he has some) who James was, what he meant to us and the things he loved. It's also my way of keeping him close by at all times. I've put some CD's and books that he loved in there, along with a couple of pieces of clothing that sum him up. All the cards we were given when he died are in there along with the order of service from the funeral. I even found his ID bracelets from when he was born and put them in.

It broke my heart all over again, I could smell him on his hat, it hurt so much. Holding his ID tags was horrible, I remember so vividly the night he was born, such promise and awe, he was beautiful. His eyes even at birth were the most deep shade of blue, he had this knowing look about him, almost as though he had been here before.

How do you sum up 22 years in 1 box? Picking the things that meant something to James was the easy bit, picking out the things that sum up what he means to us is much, much harder.

The thing that really hurts is that so many of the things he kept in boxes and tins (little treasures) were the things he had had since been a child, cuddly toys, childrens books, little toys, pokemon cards. He was still so very young, he hadn't yet outgrown 'childish' things. He was a man but still loved and treasured his childhood.

We have his board games in a box: Cluedo, Scrabble and Jenga. We have all his childrens films on video tapes. Don't have the means to watch them but can't bear to not keep them. He loved cartoons and disney films when he was little, have to keep them safe but why?

We have an entire folio of his artwork, doodles, paintings and rough sketches, we have song lyrics and music that he had written, most unfinished but some nearly there. We have some of his writings as well, some proper 'stories' but some just notes and to-do lists. Hundreds of scrabble score sheets!

Is that how we sum up 22 years? Is it everything we have? A dozen boxes and hundreds and thousands of memories?

Jmes, I love you, you are my funny, clever, beautiful boy. I miss you so much. Be at peace whenever you are and please keep an eye on Sam. We all miss you xxx