MY son died

[mumof2teenboys]

Don't know how to say it, but need to put it down. My beautiful son was found dead last night. I don't know what to do. He is 22 but still my baby, how do you begin to process something like this?

Michelle, glad you felt able to post again. I and I'm sure everyone else on here has been thinking of you and your family.

I have no wise words of advice but please don't beat yourself about mistakes you feel you made. My goodness being a parent is the hardest job in the world and it doesn't come with a manual.

We all muddle along the best we can and do what we think and feel is right at the time.

You sound like you have had some very difficult times but you have come through them, and you came through them with James.

Your love for him shines through your posts and you sounds like a mum who did everything she could to keep her baby with her, no matter what.

I am sure Sam and Moon can see that you are trying to cope in your own way, as i'm sure they are in theirs.

You will all stay in my thoughts and i'm sending you love and strength to get through another day xxx

Shameless plug, not asking for any donations etc but would people look on rethink mental illness website ( i can't do links) We have set up a page in James' memory and i think that it is an amazing charity who deserve a plug.

Michelle i will link it for you, hope this is the right page.

James' page

Here you go Mumof Jame's rethink page

Please I could actually do something to help :)

Thanks to both of you, links are something that I just can't do.

A great charity who we have already raised over 600 pounds for, now the page is live we can transfer the money over.

I love you James, always have, always will xx

Sorry for X post HokeyCokey :)

Mumof - I am so sorry your mum did that to you when James was a baby - what a cruel thing to do to someone in trouble, especially her own daughter. :(

Perhaps best if you do steer clear of her at the moment - chances are she will, if she hasn't already, say something beyond hurtful about James. In the end, being with his mum was the best thing for James - taking him from you would have been a terrible thing to do.

Re. the grief - have you tried Cruse, the bereavement counselling people? They may be able to offer you some help in how to come together as a family and not push each other away. It must just be so raw at the moment, that you can't bear the closeness - but as the rawness heals a little, the closeness will be what helps. Hope that you can get some help from somewhere. xx

Reading your last long post makes me feel that other people around you let James down by the way they treated you, and failed to support you, especially when he was a baby. But, having said that, how he felt may well have been more to do with his illness. It's difficult to know whether anything in his life had much effect on that - or how much. It will be hard to find any answers, but please don't blame yourself. Your boys have always known that you loved them.
Good to read about James and see his picture on the rethink page x

Although Sam found James on 3/7/2012, we know pretty much for certain that he died on the saturday. This means that we have been without him for 3 weeks.

How is this possible? 3 weeks, where has that time gone? It still feels like it was yesterday but then everything is such a blur.

Its time to put away the sympathy cards and dust the fireplace, its time to mow the lawn, its time to catch up on the laundry.

I know that I NEED to do all these things, but do I WANT to do them? Not at all, I don't want to carry on as though things are normal, I want to scream and shout and cry, I want to wallow in my loss. But I also need to be Sams' mum and Moons' partner, they need me more than they realise. I was talking to one of our friends yesterday and he is as worried as I am about Moon, its like he's keeping so busy that he doesn't have to think, what happens when he runs out of things to do? Clearing the flat and sorting out the legal stuff is what is giving him his focus, but that is nearly all done, what does he focus on then?

Our lives have been shattered and none of us has any idea what to do next. Where do we go from here? The grief counsellor that we know about is back from his holiday tomorrow so I'm hoping to speak to him this week, if someone can get Sam to talk that will be a weight off my mind. I think that both Moon and I need to talk to someone who although knew James, is one step removed. He only knew James as the friend of his son but happens to be a trained grief counsellor as well. This will give us the ability to talk openly but to someone that we already vaguely know, this is important for Moon in particular as he doesn't open up easily to people. We have both met him and Moon seems to like and trust him.

It's a bit easier for me, if someone wants to talk about James and my feelings about his life and death, try and shut me up! I do know that I need to talk to someone with training though, I need help in making sense (!) of my feelings.

There is so much running around in my head, I am going to go back to work tomorrow, I'm not sure that I'm ready but I need to try, the worst thing that can happen is that I find out I'm not ready and come home. I'm assuming that the doctor will give me some form of note if I go in and see him. The thought of walking into the office makes me feel sick, how on earth do I go in and deal with all those people and restart where I left off? Luckily I work in telesales, so I didn't leave a backlog of work for someone else to do.

I don't want people to look at me with sympathy in their eyes and not know what to say, but I do want them to recognise my loss. Messed up or what?

Such ramblings again, it helps to put it down here though, it means that I can get it al out and try to understand what it is that is my priority, when you see it in 'black and white' its a bit easier to work out the list of 'to do' stuff.

Get through today, tomorrow is still a while away. You don't need to put the cards away yet if you don't want to.
Your colleagues will all react indifferent ways, maybe some will understand how to be with you, others will avoid you. Go home if you need to and start again the day after.
Keep going xxxxx

After my DS3 was killed I smiled for everybody (no, I've no idea why either) I cleaned every room in the house over and over again, I did the garden, I washed and ironed, I...........you get the picture dont you? I pretended everything was OK. I went back to work a few days after the funeral - long before I was ready but we needed the money. I tried to be everything for everybody. IT DIDN'T WORK!!! If I could advise anybody I would say...'be as kind to yourself as you can, show your feelings - wether they be tears, anger or laughter. Talk about your precious child to anybody and everybody. Dont try to 'get over' IT - there is no getting over IT there is just time to get used to the new normal. I agree so much that you need to keep posting on here - the more I told my 'story' the more I could make sense of it. Wish there was some way I could help more. xxx

Ask Moon to mow the lawn ? Put a wash on ?
Leave the cards up a while longer - or maybe one day this week buy or make a special box to keep them in ?
One day at a time x

Agree with mayaswell your colleagues will all be different depending on their own resources and character, and the experiences they've been through. Some may not know what to say, and some of these may avoid you a little as the easy option, others will be wonderful drawing on their own experiences to help you, like shabba. Many, like others here, will give you the simple recognition of what has happened in your life that you are looking for.
Good advice too that if it becomes too difficult you could go home and try again another day. Or could you possibly arrange to do a half day first anyway ?

You don't need to put the cards away until you're actually ready to - there is no pressure on you to start "putting this behind you", you must just do things in a timeframe that is appropriate for you.

I hope that the grief counsellor friend can help you all - or as many of you as he can, he may not think it appropriate to see you all - and you may consider some group sessions as well at some point.

Re work - gosh, I don't know how you deal with that. :( Do you have any particular colleague with whom you are closer than the others? perhaps take that one aside and tell them that you would like people to acknowledge your loss but not be overly kind/tiptoey/avoiding of you? And yes, do go home again if you find that you're not coping at work. You may be surprised by the colleagues who are the "best" responders - they're not necessarily the ones you would expect.

Ramble away on here - hope it is giving you some help and support. xx

i left my cards up for 3mths and then put them in a beautiful box and still look at them now

i also went back to work after 3 weeks as felt i needed to - and esier to do sooner rather then later as always knew i had to iyswim

there is no rush to do anything and only you know when is the right time for you

After my Aunty was killed we kids (I was 8) were all instructed not to mention the accident or her in case it upset my Mum. Two months later I so clearly remember my Mums breakdown and her saying that it was like we were all trying to pretend she had never existed.
My mum was desperate to talk about her, to remember her and make sure we didn't forget the little things that made her who she was.

(Un)fortunately most people haven't experienced death in these ways so are rubbish at dealing with people who are grieving. Your work colleagues may well be crap and as a pp said, you might be surprised who turns out to be a good support.
Your mother, sister and nephew are falling into the crap camp at the moment but hopefully they'll turn that around as time goes on.

I'm just rambling really but I just wanted to let you know I'm also still here, still reading, still thinking of you.

Just wondering EM - was it your Father who told you not to talk to your Mum about her sister ? If so, it could be he wasn't giving her much opportunity to talk about her and what had happened either ? I'm sure when you were 8 you were just doing as you'd been told, believing it to be for the best x

Blondes I knew you'd had a blanket, but I didn't know the circumstances. What a heartfelt post. So much raw emotion here: but please, please keep talking, everyone.

Yes juggling, my Dad told us not to talk about it so you're absolutely right, my mum had no one at all to talk to about it.
My uncle had died a long time before and I think the whole families way of dealing with that and my Nanna's grief was to block it out, get on with it, get back to normal. So they all tried that again but for my Mum, it just made it much much worse.

Hopefully we're getting better at talking than in previous generations EM ?

Thinking of you Mumof x

Morning all,

Very bad night last night. We have adopted James pet cat and she has always been a housecat until now. (He lived in a fifth floor flat)
Well at bedtime, we couldn't find her and the bathroom window had been open, so when we couldn't find her in the house, assumed she had got out. I went to pieces thinking that we had lost her as well.
Haven't slept at all worrying about her, came down downstairs about 30 minutes ago and she is asleep in one of the places all 3 of us had repeatedly checked. I have never been so relieved about anything. how stupid, just about holding the grief of loosing James together, to lose my last marble over a cat!!

Will be handing the keys back to James' flat today, it needs to be done but seems so final, while we still have access to it, he feels closer. When they have gone back, thats it almost, the legal stuff is finished. All his stuff is here though, so I don't know why hanging onto an empty flat suddenly seems so important. I know that he isn't going to use it again, but don't want to say goodbye to it either.

I feel as bad as I have felt for days, I can't stop shaking, I feel sick and empty but food doesn't help. I was looking at his photo last night (before the cat saga started) and couldn't stop the tears from rolling down my face.

Sorry hit post too soon, Moon and Sam were watching 'We were soldiers' and everytime they knocked on a soldiers door to inform them of his death, I could identify with that rawness in a way I never have before. It felt like being repeatedly punched in the stomach. Thats how I feel today, bruised and battered.

What am I going to do/ how do I keep putting one foot in front of the other? please someone wise give me some advice.

Hiya. Like many, I struggle to find the right words but I wanted to send you a

Some days will be harder than others and it is still so raw for you all. Glad the cat is ok, that must have felt horrible thinking it was gone.

Wishing you the strength to get through another day x

Mumof - I wish I could hold you close and make sure you were OK. I think that you have to make it through each hour. In whatever way you can. The pain of bereavement (especially of a child) is so overwhelming. You have to make it through each day in the best way you can. Dont fight the tears just let them come. Dont pretend that you 'are fine.' Dont pretend everything is OK just for other people. I used to have to write down, every morning, what I had to do that day because nothing in my life made any sense any more. There is, sadly, no 'quick fix' in this horrible path you have begun to walk. Thinking about you today, as always xxxxxxx

I really feel for you in your suffering . I personally would be down to the GP to get some assistance to make it through the shock and trauma you're experiencing - sleeping tabs, anti depressants etc just to try to give you some rest and equilibrium while you process your grief.

You will survive this, but I know the agony of getting through the next five minutes. (hugs)

Bad day