MY son died

[mumof2teenboys]

Don't know how to say it, but need to put it down. My beautiful son was found dead last night. I don't know what to do. He is 22 but still my baby, how do you begin to process something like this?

OMG, Mumof, some people just can't help trying to make it all about themselves, can they. Your nephew has obviously inherited your sister's grand sense of self-absorption and entitlement - what a pair of selfish gits they are being.

YOU have no responsibility towards them, and nor does your Sam. YOU are the direct family, the ones bearing the brunt of the pain - they can suck it up and deal with it and your mum... well, words fail me.

I am so very sorry that they feel able to do this sort of emotional blackmail and manipulation at such a sad time for you - and would just ignore them completely until they learn to behave in a more mature and sensitive fashion. (((hugs))) and xxx

mumof2 I am so sorry.
That is unforgiveable of your sister and nephew.
Sadly, after my mum committed suicide, I had many friends/family that reacted in a similar way. Easier than it sounds, but honestly, save your strength for yourself, Sam and Moon. Ignore those who cannot be supportive to you right now.
I understand feeling as though your loved one will forever be defined by that one word. Truly, it won't always feel that way.

Sending you hugs, and wishing you strength each day xxx

Oh sweetheart - families are weird things aren't they? I remember it took my in-laws almost 4 days before they came after my Matt was killed. 4 bloody days....my hubby needed his Mum so badly. We sat in the confusion of our living room and in they walked. I remember glaring at them. MIL said 'Oh we have had a full week of hospital and doctor appointments!!' Then proceeded to tell me all about her sore leg. How I didn't punch her full in the face I will never know.

I agree with other posters thoughts - you have to ignore the stupid remarks - you have to look after yourselves and each other. This is all about you and your precious lad...anybody who cant see that is, quite frankly, barking mad! I promise you, with all my heart, that things will 'get better' it just takes time. Keep posting - I found that the more I spoke about my sons the more I could make sense of what happened.

xxx

Oh Michelle, families are so volatile and people can have such strange reactions.

As others have said, you concentrate on your family and ignore silly remarks.
I am shocked at your sisters reaction and the lack of support when you need it most but don't waste your precious energy worrying about it.

Thinking of you and your boys everyday, keep going.

Much love and respect.

The most generous interpretation I can put on the nephew's feelings of being disrespected is a colossal sense of grief at James's death. However, it seems more likely that DN and his mum were far more concerned with their own feelings. HOW could anyone tell your DS to eff off at James's funeral.

The hierarchy of grief can be horrendous at these times, and I'm not suggesting that you, Michelle, have placed yourself and your son at the top of this pile. Anyone with half an eye would see the natural priorities at a time like this.

It must be tremendously hurtful to be cut off by them in this way, and all the expressions of your grief here have been generous, reaching out and including the many levels of love and loss felt by others. It is difficult, but for your own peace of mind, I'd let them alone.

My very best wishes for the comfort of you and your family.

mumof Grief is incredibly exhausting. It is just always there. Even the practical stuff can be overwhelming. You are very nice to feel generous towards the other people, I'm not sure I would in your place.

As for your sister and nephew... oh, so sorry. How incredibly hurtful. They are totally out of order, and that is the message you should be conveying through to them via your mother. Sam found James, James is his brother, your son - and this is 'not normal. In fact, 'normal' codes of behaviour which your (very immature) nephew and mother might expect have disappeared. You are simply in survival mode, and you must concentrate on yourselves. I just hope you have others around you who are more sensitive to your pain, and whom you can lean on while your family figures itself out... xx

Michelle - as everyone else has said, there is no 'going back' to normal... you have to find a new normal. Slowly & gradually it gets a bit of an easier place to be - but it's never as it was - how could it be? Numbness & shock are protecting you a bit, let them do their job OK x

As for your Mum, your Sister & your Nephew... they are just something else aren't they?! Bloody unbelievable. I don't care how upset your Nephew was at not 'getting an invite' (FFS) his behaviour is totally out of line, totally & completely and someone needs to tell him - hopefully one of their mates will. He should be supporting Sam, not acting like a complete idiot. Try your best to detach from them.

Feeling so guilty today, I knew that James was rapid-cycling, but going though his paperwork (which in itself, feels like an invasion of his privacy) it appears that he was diagnosed with some form of bi-polar at least 3 years ago.

How didn't I know? I knew that he was suffering from depression but not more than that. What kind of a mother does that make me? Just because James didn't live at home, doesn't mean I shouldn't have picked up on the signals, surely they were more obvious because I didn't see him everyday.

Is it my fault in some way? I have battled depression for years, sometimes with the aid of meds, sometimes though strength of will, did I make James like this? I had pnd after he was born and struggled to bond with him, it took me 6 weeks to realise how much I loved him, did I damage him in those vital early weeks?

Why couldn't I have seen his torment? Why didn't I know how much he was hurting? I have his final words from his journal and I could recite then from heart, they are burned into my soul, he felt that he had destroyed all the relationships that he truly cared about.

Why didn't he know just how much we love him. He could have come to us at any time and told us how he was feeling, we would have held him, fed him, loved him, sorted him out with food and money, we would have put him back together again, its what we do.

Why didn't he trust us enough to let us help him? Why didn't he give us that chance? Didn't he know that we would do anything and I mean anything just to make him as well as he could be? Why didn't he know that our love for him is endless and bottomless, it didn't matter how many times we put him back together, we would have kept doing it until the end of our lives.

Thank you all for letting me ramble, when I write it down it seems to help, ironically I taught James to keep a journal from when he was old enough to write his feelings down, prior to that, he used to draw his feelings. Now I'm doing the same, like mother, like son maybe? writing it down stops me burdening all around me with the endless repetitive questions that are racing around my head.

Michelle x

First thing: you are not a bad mum. James lived an adult life and had his appropriate privacy. Even had you seen him every day, possibly especially had you seen him every day, you might well not have picked up on his distress.
Two of the most apparently strong people I've met, one broke down and left their work, and the other committed suicide. everyone was amazed and horrified. No-one saw it coming.

Don't beat yourself up about your own depression - for years I wondered if I'd ever be any good as mum after my own raising by parents who'd both experienced mental illness - my mum was a paranoid schizophrenia for the whole of my life with her. dad had reactive depression trying to cope with it all. I suppose you'd have to ask DD - but I've not done at bad job. It's not catching, as they say.

His knowing you loved him, as everything you've posted attests, was nothing in the face of his overpowering illness. I don't say this to offend. Not to trivialise, but in essence, such illness involves a catastrophic loss of perspective, divorced from will or analysis.

His journal, as painful as it must be, is he, himself, and I hope it proves a comfort to you eventually.

My very best wishes.

I wish I could answer just one of your questions. My DS4 (almost 15) was bullied badly at school for almost a year and I didn't know. Thankfully one of his friends told me. Thank God they told me when they did so I could do something about it.

I don't know if you are the same but I wanted somebody to blame after my sons died. When my baby died (at 7 months) I thought that I had caused his complicated heart problems. I thought of nothing else for many months. I know I hadn't drunk or smoked when I was pregnant with him and his twin brother, but I decided that it must be my fault. The relief when months later the consultant said his condition was 'an accident at conception.' Then, of course, I started thinking 'it must still be my fault.'

When DS3 was knocked down and killed of course it was my fault. I had gone into debt to buy him and his big brother a bike each for Xmas. I had then allowed him just before he was 8 yrs old to play outside the garden. Why? How stupid was that? It was totally my fault.

We need someone to pin the blame on when a precious child dies. The anger builds and builds inside and I think that writing down our feelings is a relief. I know, for sure, that your son knew you loved him and that he loved you. I wish that he had told you how he felt....maybe he didn't realise himself just how he felt.

I truly dont know what the right words are to say to you that would help. I suspect there aren't any. Just to say in my opinion, the words you have written on here are those of a caring, loving Mum. Nothing will make any sense for quite some time my friend. Keep posting, just keep posting. xxxx

shabba - such a normal and loving thing to buy bikes for your boys - I hope you know that now x

• We've just got bikes for our DC's so they can enjoy playing in our street with their friends. Last night we met up with friends in the village where his Mum lives, and we let the children go to the park on their own from the pub, and then back to the house by themselves - basically free rein around the village. You have to give them some independence at some stage. Life is so fragile isn't it ?

michelle - your questions are just what any of us would ask, and show so much love x

I 'kind of' know its not my fault that my boys died BUT the 'what ifs' and 'if onlys' linger around my brain. 30 years have passed since DTS2 died and 20 since DS3 was killed. I can honestly promise anyone who is walking this 'crappy path' that the passing of time does soften the emotions. I have found, though, that the passing of time makes the longing to see all four of my sons having fun together, almost overwhelming.

I often have to have 'a word with myself' to stop being over protective with my two sons who are physically still here. My 4 yr old grandson has helped with my 'recovery' so much.

It made me smile to think about your children riding their bikes and having loads of fun. That is how it should be. I remember having days like that when I was a little girl. The feeling of freedom and just having fun.xx

So painful, shabba. The "what ifs" are our defence against the dreadful "stuff happens". Which is the more terrible. I have never been in your position, but the only near experience I can imagine is the one where one might have said so-and-so to a loved one before they died.

When my dear old dad was in his final illness, I travelled to the north (couldn't drive in those days), but went back to the south without checking in. He died the day I left. It was just stuff. Shit happens, but I still think about it.

The feeling of freedom in childhood is a very precious thing.

Am glad to hear about your grandson, shabba - I'm hoping I might get to be a granny one day - though it's a way of just yet

I love the generosity in all your posts, shabba x

I would give anything to help Mumof (and other ladies in her position) to work through these early days of grief. As I have said before it is like swimming through treacle. xxx

Mumof, from my (admittedly) limited understanding bipolar isn't diagnosed easily - and although you're his mum, I'm presuming you're not a MH professional/psychiatrist. Let's turn it the other way around - how could you have been expected to know?
Also, the condition is such that I suspect even if you had told him how much you loved him that it would have meant he wouldn't/couldn't have been able to fully take that information in and know it in the same way that he would have been able to when he was well.

Sorry, a ridiculously complicated sentence there, but I am positive that this was NOT YOUR FAULT. x

Mumof - I think someone's already said it upthread somewhere - in his state of mind, he wasn't being rational - you could have told him again and again and again, every hour of every day, that you loved him and would do anything to help him and it still wouldn't have made a difference because his mental state was such that he just couldn't accept that. When he was well he would have known completely how much he was loved; but he wasn't well. You did the best you could for your boys - MH conditions are hard enough for the professionals to get right - you couldn't be expected to have known.

Please be kind to yourself (((hugs))).

Mumof - firstly just to let you know I am still here and still reading. I know that after the initial flood of mourners is gone, it gets lonelier and lonelier, But we are here, listening to you, as long as you want to talk to us.

Regarding your concern that you made James sick. I understand exactly where you are coming from. There is lots of depression on my side of my family (including me) and bipolar on DH's side (not including him) and I am really scared my children might have inherited issues. But you know what - genetics is out of my control, and yours. It is not your fault. It is his diseases fault.

Thinking of you XXXXX

I dont know what kind of music you like - my tastes are very varied....one of my MN friends - Lottie - introduced me to this song. It is sad but so inspiring.

michelle everyone else here has said it very eloquently. It was the disease, not James. And no, you simply could not have done anything, as unfair as that sounds... but we are here to listen to your thoughts when you need us.

michelle - i am so sorry for your loss - i have always said that no parent should have to bury their child

my dh aged 37 suffered from severe depression and sadly committed suicide april 16 2011 (so just over 15mths ago) the same way your darling son james did and i found him

the support i found on mn was amazing and i did a huge thread about my pain and emotions etc

the one thing i will say is please dont feel guilty there is nothing you could have done, depression is an illness but just as you cant see it many people dont understand and my brother called it cancer of the brain and like bi polar sometimes they hide their feelings and pain

james funeral sounds like marks and i chose to have a celebration of his life and james friends sound amazing and i hope they will be of support for you

i dont know if this is the time or place to say this and im sorry if this upsets you, it is not my intention but after counselling and speaking to doctors and coroner etc the method james used meant he wanted to die rather then a cry for help - his death would have been quick and he wouldnt have suffered

james would have known how much you loved him, just with his illness he couldnt see that and he also probably didnt love his self and felt that if he couldnt love his self then no one else could - again this is not your fault and to be blunt nothing you could have done would have stopped james from killing his self

15mths on i have come to terms with what mark did, as it was his choice to die and i have to believe that now he and your son james will be at peace now and without the black cloud of depression over them

there is a self help group called sobs survivors of bereavement of suicide - you may find this group helpful and supportive - personally i didnt as my group i felt were not surviving in their life without their child/parent/husband/sibling/friend but a death through suicide is so different from say cancer/accident etc

again i am so sorry to read about the death of your beloved son james

feel free to message me if you want to chat further

i hope i have not upset you with what i have written and if i have them i am truly sorry xxx

Michelle
Sweetheart
I am just reading this, firstly I am so so sorry you have lost your darling boy.

Suicide runs deep and has cut deep in my own family. Most recently my cousins 17 year old daughter took her dog for a walk and hung herself. Her sister found her too. I will never forget that funeral or the pain at it.

But Mental illness can be a terrible thing. It distorts truths and changes the world people inhabit. Nothing you did or could have done could change what happened - it was James decision. I am sure it is not one he took lightly, or one that he would have made had he been well. But you cannot blame yourself. You could not have loved him more.

For a non religious person I have been praying a lot lately, and tonight I will pray for you and your family to find peace and to eventually be healed enou to remember the good times and the joy of your darling son. X

Wrote a really long post yesterday, but MN crashed and I lost it. The short version is that I know we have to start resuming some thing that resembles 'normal' although I prefer the word 'routine'

Normality for us, will take a long time, we need to establish our version of normal. For 20 years I have had to worry and care for 2 sons, now I only have to worry about 1. James is at peace (I have to believe that) so I need to concentrate on Sam. We have been a family unit of 4 for 13 years, now we need to adjust to being (physically) a family unit of 3.

I am having some incredibly vivid dreams, some good and some awful. I know that this is my brains way of dealing with the events of the last 2 weeks but doesn't help at 2 in the morning, when I have woken up in a cold sweat again.

James' death has also, unfortunately caused a rift in my relationship with my mum. She never felt as if I was good enough to be James' mum (but interestingly fine to be Sams') I have spent 22 years burying the pain this has caused but of course, now it is all flooding out.

I remember asking her to come and take James for 1 night because his dad was abusive and was kicking off, I knew that being at home was not where a baby should be, she told me that she would come and get James, but it would be the last time I ever saw him if she did. I took my baby home and got seven bells kicked out of me, but it was my fault for being a bad wife.

She used to threaten to take me to court to get full custody of him on a regular basis, although she saw him 2-3 times a week. She said that I was a bad mum who didn't deserve to have him. By the time James was 6-7 months old, I believed her so deeply that I tried to kill myself, I honestly believed he would be better growing up without me in his life.

Luckily, I had a fantastic health visitor who taught me to trust my instincts and helped me muddle though, but the trauma of the things mum said and did have obviously stayed with me and are coming out now.

I know that I made mistakes as a mum, I know that I haven't always got it right. I love both my sons with all my heart and have spent their whole lives telling them this, why do I feel like such a failure now?

Moon is trying to deal with clearing James' flat and bringing all his things home, I am about as much use as a chocolate teapot. I feel overwhelmed by people, but can't be alone either. I start trying to go though James' books and CD's but get distracted by memories and have to stop. I feel completely out of control of everything but don't have any idea of how to start gaining some control back. I am not dealing with Moon or Sams' grief well, I am too consumed my mine and I feel so guilty about that. I am neglecting the 2 people that I should be concentrating on but am frightened of reaching out to either of them in case I push them away.

I wish that I could just switch my brain off for 20 minutes just to gain some kind of peace in order to gather my energy and continue with the days tasks but I can't. I feel anxious all the time and have clutter everywhere in my house. I suffer from OCD as well so you can imagine what having a house full of boxes is doing to me!

None of this makes sense, it has all come tumbling out as I'm thinking about things. This is my world at the moment and I hate it so much.

Just elwant to say i ak so sory. I read but have no words. Life will go back but it will never be the sake,hpe can it? 4 should never have to be less. You are a good mum and you do deserve.them.

Oh mumof I don't feel I have the right words but when you said about needing your brain to switch off for 20 minutes, that really resonated with me. My mum committed suicide when I was a teenager, and what I really needed was the world to stop for a while, just for me to be able to breathe and catch up. The hardest thing was realising that everyday real life goes on whilst you struggle to catch a breath.

(((((hugs)))))