MY son died

[mumof2teenboys]

Don't know how to say it, but need to put it down. My beautiful son was found dead last night. I don't know what to do. He is 22 but still my baby, how do you begin to process something like this?

We did it, we sent James onto the next stage of his journey. So many people, so much love. Sam managed to read his euolgy (sp) and both Moon and I were so proud of him, it was the most painful I have ever done, but I think we did it right, people kept saying that it was beautiful and completely James.

My darling boy, please be happy and at peace, keep an eye on Sam. I love you so much.

That must have been so hard ou sound so dignified and proud and full of love. I am sure wherever he is he knows how loved he was and is xx

Well done to everybody. I know how hard yesterday must have been for you....a massive mixture of emotions. Was thinking about you all day. xxxxx

It sounds like a very special day. You should be proud that you not only got through it, but made it a day of love and celebration.

Lots of love xx

It sounds like you did things perfectly, and there was so much love for your boy and your family. Sam was very brave!
I hope the love you have felt can sustain you, and you know how many people are thinking of you and your family. X

Well done on doing him proud yesterday. My heart is aching for you x

I'm so sorry.

My friend lost her son in a similar way several years ago, he hung himself- in a panic over a £300 bill he couldn't pay.

I am sure your son knew you loved him; my DH has been suicidal and it's never been that he didn't know he was loved. always an irrational fear about something.

It does indeed sound as though you did him proud and it was a day worthy of him.
xx

I am glad to see that so many people came to show your son James their last respects.Im sure he was very special to you.It sounds like you celebrated his life perfectly.

mumof2 I hope you gained some peace yesterday. It sounds like you created a wonderful day to honour James. x

Hello. Just wanted to say that there are a lot of people still thinking about you and sending love xx

Yes, you and your family, in our hearts, and thinking of you.

thinking of you x

It still feels numb, there is a pain that won't go away but I'm numb, how can that be?
My mum rang yesterday and said (I'm paraphrasing) 'things go back to normal now'
How does it go back to normal? Are we just supposed to forget James ever existed? I understand that we have to resume a level of normality but 'normal' Our normal has gone forever and we are struggling to adjust to our new normality.
I know that she is trying to say the right things but I just wanted to tell her to shut up and fuck off. Mature and grown up response to your mum hey?
We are jsut so very tired, just doing the basics is beyond me. Please tell me this passes.

Morning Michelle, i'm sorry i have no wise words of advice and i can't pretend i have any idea what you and your family are going through.

I can't imagine that you life will ever be 'normal' again without James.

I am sure at the moment it is all you can do to get up every morning and put one foot in front of the other.

Keep going and i hope someone will be along in a minute to offer you some wise words.

Your family have been in my thoughts since you told us about James and they continue to be now. Sending you strength for another day xx

Hokey has just said exactly what I wanted to say only better.

Thinking of you xxxxx

Your Mum was, of course, trying to help. But you're right, things don't go back to normal. You have a new normal now and what that looks like will change and evolve over time.
FWIW, my Mum has explained to me that my Nanna, who lost two of her children was a different person the day after each one died. Life changes forever and you can't just go back to how it was.

Even on the day my Nanna died, my Mum felt she finally let go when my Mum and her other siblings reminded their Mum that it was time for her to go and look after their brother and sister now (my Gran was very religious so believed in heaven).

I'm so sorry your mum said that. Sending love still...

Lots of elderly relatives said that kind of thing to me after my sons died. I think that they dont know what to say, they come from a generation who were 'stiff upper lipped' and who just seemed to get on with stuff - no matter what life threw at them.

You are right - it is totally, totally exhausting. I hate to say these words - but - 'time is the only thing that heals' - and even then you will never be healed - you just learn to 'paper over the cracks'.

Be kind to yourself love, accept any help anybody offers. My family send their love to your family xxxx

You have a new "normal" now, Mumto - and it's different to and a lot sadder than the previous one. You will need time to adjust and get used to your new normal; your Mum was probably trying to be helpful but just being clumsy and insensitive.

Numbness is "normal" too - it's all part of the "process". It will crack at some point - you might feel the need to force that along, sometimes it helps just to be able to feel anything - and it's entirely personal as to what will cause the crack. Could be a film, could be looking at photos, could be finding his clothes in the laundry - anything. Someone I know had a terrible year of losses, which they coped well with and then fell to bits when the family hamster died (last straw).

(((hugs))) to you - remember, whatever you're feeling is ok for now - there is no right or wrong way to feel, there is just what you're going through. xx

So sorry - I meant MumOF.

Giant hugs to your MumOf - just remember she means well. I agree with EMS22's post above. My dear friend who has lost 2 of her children has become a different person after each one died. It is a harsh reality, but everything has changed and will never go back to normal, and all the posters talking about getting to a new normal are right. But you are never ever supposed to forget James existed. Talk about him every day, say his name, don't let the people around you stop talking about him or avoid topics that would have included him. If a subject comes up that you would have told a story about him, tell it still. He did exist, he does exist in another place and he will always exist in your lives.

I am so sorry again for your loss and think of you and your family regularly. XXX

I expect your mum just wants to see you coping okay, can't bear to see you suffering and wants your pain to disappear. People can be tactless with the best intentions

You're recovering from trauma - have you considered some professional help to support you along your journey? Grief counselling perhaps, or on a more basic level, some help with sleeping etc?

Not surprised you are exhausted. What about practical help - having a cleaner for a while, laundry/ironing service, gardener etc?

It will pass, you will come to terms with this. You will regroup and go on. But you need to recover first.

Have you got someone to help you brainstorm a plan of sorts to get you through the next few weeks? I've found have a bit of a structure helps when your emotions are in freefall.

xx

My mum isn't old, only 63. She is very concerned with my sister's feelings and grief and feels that I should be reaching out to comfort HER.

We started the legal bits yesterday, closing his bank account, sorting out his utility bills etc. It is useful inasmuch as it gives us something to do but is so tiring. Everytime we hand over the interim death cert, whoever we are dealing with go pale and start to stutter. Then I feel bad and try to say something to comfort them. I hate the fact that James' life is summed up in one word on a document, we know he is more than that, but they just see the cold, hard facts and don't know what to say.

My nephew is refusing to speak to Sam because Sam didn't personally invite him to the funeral, I had told my sister when it was, all of James and Sams' friends knew when it was, everyone was telling everyone else in order to take some of the strain (thank fuck for facebook sometimes!) But because Sam didn't go to the house my nephew shares with my sister, he told Sam 'to fuck off and never speak to him again for disrespecting him'. This was at the chapel just after the funeral. According to mum, I should understand his pain and grieving and make allowances. No mention of Sams' pain and grieving, lets just forget that it was Sam who found James.

My sister and nephew haven't been in touch with us once since James died, not a phonecall, card or even a message via someone else. Why should I concentrate on them when we don't register in their world?

Oh that sounds awful. I am truly at your sister and nephew! I cannot believe how insensitive and selfish they are being.

Ignore them all, concentrate on what you, Moon and Sam need first and foremost.