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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

lost my baby at the weekend and I'm so sad

97 replies

weewilliewinkie · 27/02/2006 09:55

I was 15+2 wks, and had let myself believe that by getting past the first 12 weeks, everything would be just fine. I had a slight bleed on Friday and went to the hospital. The scan showed that the baby's heart had stopped. I couldn't believe my eyes.

I then had a d&c on saturday - however the pessary they gave me worked so well that I passed my baby before they took me in to surgery. I saw the little thing and just wanted to scream. I keep replaying the whole day in my head, every time I close my eyes all I can see is the blood and my poor baby.

I am just in pieces, I keep weeping, I feel a real pain in my heart. It's all very well for people to tell you that it was never meant to be, and nature was taking its course, and I'm not alone, but really none of that helps yet.

Can someone tell me that this pain will pass, that one day I'll feel better? I will never forget my little baby but I need to know that one day, I don't care when, I'll be ok.

I have a perfect 2 year old ds, without him I don't know how I'd cope. My dh is being amazing too. Thanks for letting me write so much, this alone has helped even if no-one writes back.

OP posts:

Report

beartime · 27/02/2006 10:23

I'm sorry too, it must be heart-rending for you. Try and give yourself something to look forward too.

vitomum · 27/02/2006 10:24

so sorry for you. look after yourself.

BROWNY · 27/02/2006 10:26

So very sorry WWW, just don't know what to say, but hope you find the strength and love from your family to help you, sending hugs xxx

Marina · 27/02/2006 10:28

I agree with cori that although you may not be thinking this at the moment, it is a better thing that you were able to see and say goodbye to your baby, wee willie winkie. I am very, very sorry that this happened to you :(
You have been through a tremendous emotional and physical shock. An abruptly induced second trimester birth is painful and frightening beyond what anyone can imagine. My baby was around 21 weeks when he died so I gave birth rather than being offered a d & c.
It is normal to feel traumatised and for most people crying plenty is a good way to let out the feelings of grief and loss. I NEVER found "nature taking its course" a helpful remark and I don't think many people do.
I don't know what decisions you have made, if any, about your baby's body. Hospitals have chaplains who will guide you through what your options are now that your pregnancy is ended. You don't have to have any religious faith to get their help and support. You can chose to have a short service in the hospital chapel or write a message to your baby in the hospital's memory book. You could plant a tree or a flowering shrub in your garden, as cori suggests. We have a crabapple tree for Tom. You don't have to do any of these things, but I think it might help you to know that you can if you want to. Bereaved parents often don't realise that these days it's OK to commemorate a miscarried baby, you're allowed to talk about it, it's not a death to be hushed up, like it was until quite recently.
Sending you my heartfelt sympathy, it is such a horrible experience. Despite feeling I would never be happy again, we did go on to have dd. We never forget Tom, but we're all able to laugh and love life again.

spacecadet · 27/02/2006 10:33

would also like to echo marina-i also lost a baby boy at 26 weeks 16 years ago, and felt so utterly heartbroken and distraught, i felt i would never get over losing him, however, i went on to have 4 great children and although i have never forgotten him, the pain did ease, it will for you eventually but it is very early days and you will still be in shock.

biglips · 27/02/2006 10:34

oh no!!! im so sorry to hear

weewilliewinkie · 27/02/2006 10:46

Marina, the baby had apparently not grown properly since around 12 weeks, so its body was really tiny. I am in Germany and we weren't given a choice of what would be done with it, but to be honest I am glad of that. one less decision for me to make. The nurse took it away discreetly then told me it was really very small and looked like it (I hate calling it 'it'!) seemed to have died about a week ago.

we are not especially religious but my dh is suggesting I see the local priest for comfort. I don't really intend to - I think talking to my family and friends, and everyone on MN will help me more.

I am thinking of planting a flower that will bloom in August, when my baby would have been born.

thanks again xx

OP posts:

Marina · 27/02/2006 10:51

The main thing is that you feel the hospital did the right thing for your needs www, I am glad they treated you kindly and sensitively. It can make a huge difference as to how you deal with your bereavement in the short and the long-term.
Just so long as you feel you have access to people who can support you. :) Mumsnet was brilliant for me three years ago when it all went so wrong for us.
Hope you are recovering well physically.

bossykate · 27/02/2006 11:09

i'm so sorry for your loss

weewilliewinkie · 27/02/2006 11:09

physically I'm absolutely fine, I just need to get out of the habit of rubbing my belly all the time.....

OP posts:

milward · 27/02/2006 11:09

so sorry xxx

newkid · 27/02/2006 11:14

www, i just wanted to add my heartfelt sympathies. I have no personal experience or wisdom to offer, just a big virtual hug. Thinking of you and your family.

whimsy · 27/02/2006 11:15

So sorry :(

daisy1999 · 27/02/2006 11:15

I am so sorry for you and your family www. I don't know what to say, take care of each other and you'll get through the pain.

Angeliz · 27/02/2006 11:17

so sorry.+

JonahB · 27/02/2006 11:17

weewilliewinkie, i am so sorry to hear about your loss. I can't say anything that hasn't already been said. I lost a baby at 12 weeks and at the time i was just totally numb. Exactly like spacecadet said, you will never forget your baby, but it does get easier, i promise. I'm just glad you've got a wonderful, supportive DH and DS around you. Its times like these you need your friends, family and MNers for support.
Big big hugs to you....

doormat · 27/02/2006 11:18

weewillie, so sorry to hear this
i had a m/c 8 yrs ago at 7 weeks
all I can say is that you never forget but as time passes it does get a little easier
hugs
xxx

jco · 27/02/2006 11:45

oh sweetheart i am so very sorry. i'm thinking of you and sending you big ((((((((hugs))))))))

julie x

weewilliewinkie · 27/02/2006 11:58

Just wanted to tell you all that your kindness is overwhelming. I can't tell you how much it means to me.

I'm off to have a nice warm bath and pamper myself for an hour while ds has his nap.

Thanks all so very much. You are an incredible group of ladies.

xxx

OP posts:

PeachyClair · 27/02/2006 12:11

Oh you poor soul (and that includes you family too).

No real expereince but thinking of you and what you have had to go through.

I think you learn to live with loss over time, but your lost baby will always be very special to you.

Sending ,,,hugs... and it's good to hear you have such a wonderful DH.

kitty4paws · 27/02/2006 12:44

I hope you enjoyed your bath,

Please take time to grieve, the "it was meant to happen " comments seem to minimise a very,very hard time of your life, even though your baby was very young you have still lost a child, a much loved and sadly missed child, I am so , so sorry ,

I have had 3 m/c and time does make things easier but I will never forget the three babies I never held

calvemjoe · 27/02/2006 12:45

I am so sorry weewilliewinkie

I can't offer any experience, but I hope that knowing I am thinking about you will help you through this tough time x

blueteddy · 27/02/2006 12:56

I am so sorry for your loss.
Take care of yourself.xx

Clary · 27/02/2006 13:05

Oh weewilliewinkie, I am so so sorry. Your post about a flower that will bloom in August has brought tears to my eyes.
I have no experience myself, I know how lucky I am, but other Mners like MArina as ever have posted such good advice.
Please do feel you can grieve, this is a bereavement like any other and your baby deserves that at the very least.

Claryx

Hausfrau · 27/02/2006 13:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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