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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

lost my baby at the weekend and I'm so sad

97 replies

weewilliewinkie · 27/02/2006 09:55

I was 15+2 wks, and had let myself believe that by getting past the first 12 weeks, everything would be just fine. I had a slight bleed on Friday and went to the hospital. The scan showed that the baby's heart had stopped. I couldn't believe my eyes.

I then had a d&c on saturday - however the pessary they gave me worked so well that I passed my baby before they took me in to surgery. I saw the little thing and just wanted to scream. I keep replaying the whole day in my head, every time I close my eyes all I can see is the blood and my poor baby.

I am just in pieces, I keep weeping, I feel a real pain in my heart. It's all very well for people to tell you that it was never meant to be, and nature was taking its course, and I'm not alone, but really none of that helps yet.

Can someone tell me that this pain will pass, that one day I'll feel better? I will never forget my little baby but I need to know that one day, I don't care when, I'll be ok.

I have a perfect 2 year old ds, without him I don't know how I'd cope. My dh is being amazing too. Thanks for letting me write so much, this alone has helped even if no-one writes back.

OP posts:

Report

Marina · 01/03/2006 11:40

Sweetheart, it is so lovely to hear how you are all doing now and I'm so glad I could help when your dear little son died.
We are fortunate, strange though it seems, that nowadays we can share these bereavements and support each other without being made to feel maudlin or inappropriate.
I went to a hospital memorial service two years ago for all parents whose baby had died there. It was a very moving and sad service, with a lot of crying, but the person who left the biggest mark on me was a lady in her seventies, whose baby son was stillborn at term. She was not allowed to see him, or name him (although he was always John to her), or bury him - or talk about him. "best forgotten". Fifty years gone by and it was the first time she had a chance to remember him formally :(
Thinking of you all, esp. CarlyP and mootoo, it is always such a shock.

CarlyP · 01/03/2006 06:44

thanks for your thought everyone.

www you will start to heal slowly.

cx

Boopert · 28/02/2006 19:14

Www, reading thru these msgs makes me realise there are good people out there who CAN understand. Just wish i'd found MN when it happened to me.
Big hugs for anyone who has had to go thru this pain. xx

weewilliewinkie · 28/02/2006 11:09

Sweetheart, what a lovely message, it gives me real hope. As much as I want to get pg again quickly, I'm also terrified that this will happen again, and I don't know how I would ever cope. It won't stop me trying though.

Mootoo, I feel exactly the same as you. People are just trying to help and comfort, but like you say, you wanted this baby. All our dreams have been taken from us and that makes me so angry, makes me feel so cheated. I couldn't wait to give my ds a wee brother or sister. As it was, I had him kiss my tummy on Friday night and he said 'bye bye baby'. He's only just 2 so I doubt he really knew what was going on but he hasn't talked to my tummy since, and keeps saying 'mummy sad...mummy very cry...'.That breaks my heart.

Carly - hope you are bearing up. xxx

OP posts:

cori · 28/02/2006 10:38

mootoo and www, you have both had a 'missed miscarriage' You can carry on for months, without any signs of whats happened, you can even still have pregnancy symptoms (I did). It is very hard to deal when it comes to the next pregnancy.

mcmum · 28/02/2006 10:32

weewilliewinkie, im so sorry to hear your news - i dont really know what to say other thatn im thinking of you and sending big hug (O) xx

mootoo · 28/02/2006 10:28

I ope you don't mind me crashing your thread - i thought it might help me if i talked about my experience. I went for my 12 week scan on friday - i had had an easy early pregnancy, but spotted a little on thursday.
It turned out that my baby had stopped growing at 6 or 7 weeks - they could only find a sac. It was such a shock. I was offered the choice of the natural way, or an eprc - i am goin in for it on thursday.
I just feel numb - there have been lots of tears, but now i just feel in shock. People have told me that "it was probably for the best" or "you can try for another" or " you have a beautiful dd already" - i know these are supposed to be words of comfort. I don't want another, i want my baby, the one i dreamed about and had made plans for.
I feel let down by my body - not only couldn't i make a baby, i couldn't even get rid of it. Why didn't i notice?
My thoughts are with you www and carly, and just reading through every ones posts has made me feel better.
Thanks

cori · 28/02/2006 09:54

Sweetheart, thanks for your story and telling us about your little boy. I hope my story continues so positively as yours.

www, I know what you mean about people saying it was 'never meant to be'. It made me angry too. There is probably truth in it. It may be natures way, but it is not so easy to accept when you are in the middle of the second trimester.

ernest · 28/02/2006 09:49

God, you poor thing. I am so so sorry. The pain will get better. you will never forget your darling little baby. (((((((hugs)))))))

sweetheart · 28/02/2006 09:25

www,

You have already had so many fantatic responses - I just wanted to add mine as I know in this situation the more - the better!

I lost a baby at 16.5 weeks last January, he had a heart problem and he just couldn't survive. I had to give birth to him and afterwards the hospital arranged for us to see him and also a funeral. They also gave us a picture of our baby boy which I treasure.

When it happened I thought my heart would literally break in half - I've never felt any pain like it. I have never sobbed so hard in all my life - it didn't matter how much or how hard I cried it just didn't stop the pain. The fact i already had one beautiful child was no comfort and people around me came out with the most insensative comments I've ever heard.

I can appreciate your desire to fall pregnant again quickly as I was exactly the same. It had taken us a year to fall pregnant and I felt like I'd lost a year of my life - I was terrified it would take as long to conceive another baby.

We didn't wait 3 months to start trying and a few weeks after loosing our baby boy I fell pregnant again. I now have a beautiful 3 month old baby boy.

We lost our little boy over a year ago now and in June it would have been his 1st birthday. I still think about him and we have visited his burial place a few times but I don't feel sad to have lost him now. Now that the grief has past I understand he had to be taken from us and I'm glad I got to see him - just once. I hope in time to come to treasure seeing your baby too.

I promise the pain does get easier, hopefully one day you'll be able to offer words of advice to someone else in this situation (Marina was a tower of strength for me last year - THAANKS HUN (if your still reading this - you'll never know how much I appreciated all your e-mails)

The best thing you can do right now is let yourself grieve and cry as much as you like!
Hugs to you and your family.

Coathanger · 28/02/2006 09:10

WWW and CarlyP - I am so sorry I haven't posted sooner but I have only just seen this thread and felt I had to post.
I am feeling for both of you right now. I hope you both get some peace soon but in the meantime be kind to yourselves and don't fight any feelings - go with them as they are part of a process. You are both in my thoughts {{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}} to you both xxxxxx

HellKat · 28/02/2006 08:51

Anytime hun xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

weewilliewinkie · 28/02/2006 08:48

I just wanted to thank everyone of you so much for all your messages. To think that strangers can show so much empathy and affection for my situation is so touching. It has helped me in so many ways, not just to know that others have gone through such similar experiences, but to know that the world can't be that bad a place if people I have never met can be so genuinely kind to me.

I know now that I will get through this - I'll never, ever forget my baby, but I'm pretty sure that one day I'll be able to live with it. I don't know when or how, but I'll try. Just not yet.

Thank you. xxx

OP posts:

choccywoccydoodaa · 28/02/2006 08:43

..nothing to say other than I'm so sorry and know the pain you're in x

HellKat · 28/02/2006 08:26

Exactly. I've always felt sorry for the guys. We get the physical, emotional, hormonal pain and they do find it hard to understand. It was awful for my dp, everyone was asking him how I was doing and not one person asked him if he was ok. Men kind of shut off emotionally when it comes to loss (it's their way of getting through it).
Remember though, you have'nt been through an early mc, you've had to go through birth. Your hormones are going wild and it'll take you longer to recover than someone who has had an early mc.
Nature can be evil. I remember going through the angry "why me" phase, then the depths of despair, then the blaming phase.
Be kind to yourself.
There's alot of fantastic advice and support on here.
Best wishes hun x

weewilliewinkie · 28/02/2006 08:17

Hi HK,
Yes, hubby is grieving too, but he doesn't fully understand what I'm feeling. I wouldn'expect him to. He keeps saying the old 'it was never meant to be..' -had to tell him this morning to stop saying that! Because if it wasn't, then why did all my maternal instincts kick in so stongly? Nature's certainly cruel, that's for sure...

OP posts:

HellKat · 28/02/2006 08:04

WWW- Hunny, i found that having my little ds2 around helped too. It was almost as if he knew something was up. For the first few days after he did everything in his power to make me smile, give me cuddles etc. Truly was the best tonic.
You probably are having blues. You've been through labour. Bless our dh for being such a sweety. Has he grieved yet? My dp did his when i was'nt around (he did'nt want to upset me bless him).
Thinking of you and it will get easier. You never forget but the rawness of it all will ease.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

weewilliewinkie · 28/02/2006 07:57

Carly, I'm so sorry. Obviously I, and so many others here know what you're going through. It's just a hideous pain - perhaps not physical but definitely, unbearabley emotional.

Being on here, and reading all these messages of love and support has helped me more than I expected. I highly recommend it.

Today is a bad day. I am wondering if I've got a version of the baby blues, you know, the feelings you get when you have had a normal delivery. It's just overwhelming sadness. It's uncontrollable. My dh is being amazing, as always. I don't know what I'd do without him, and my beautiful ds, who at least brings a genuine smile to my face many times a day.

OP posts:

HellKat · 28/02/2006 07:35

Carly- How are you sweety? How are doing? {{{{{{hugs}}}}}} Hope you're bearing up ok. If ever you need a chat feel free to email me.

Sorry to hijack.

WWW- Hope you're doing ok hun. x Thinking of you.

CarlyP · 28/02/2006 07:15

hi www.

i am having a mc. i was 9wks, so not as far along,but i have 2 healthy ds's so i didnt think there was anything to worry about.

i havent seen mybaby yet, kind of hoping i dont either.

time will heal. i found out nrly 2 wks ago now (at 9 wks) and its wierd. kind of hit home last ngiht. you need to take care of yourself.

cx

expectingsummerihope · 27/02/2006 22:53

I am so sorry for your loss. I had m/c last month but much earlier than yours. What you've been through is just so awful and I'm glad it's brought you such comfort to use mumsnet in this way - thats precisely what it's for. Hope you can get through this in time xx

KristinaM · 27/02/2006 21:36

WWW - I am so sorry for your loss
I know some families like to name the baby they have lost. As you don't know if it was a boy or girl, you can use a unisex name, like Jamie or Cameron.Then you wont have to say "it" any more. Just a thought........

CaptainDippy · 27/02/2006 21:28

I am thinking of you and praying for you. I am so sorry that you are going through this. No one can take away that child's importance to you and your family. Plant a tree or a flower for them and in time you will remember them with bittersweet fondness. I won't say that "time will heal", because there will always be an "unhealed" part of you that grieves for the baby you lost, but it will get better. //[hugs]] xxxx

milward · 27/02/2006 21:25

boopert - xxx best wishes

7up · 27/02/2006 20:06

im so sorry for your loss WWW.

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