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My beautiful baby was stillborn. Please tell me I can get through it.

99 replies

matildawormwood · 15/05/2012 17:29

My beautiful baby boy was stillborn on May 12. I was 38+3 weeks. I went in for a check-up because I couldn't feel him moving and there was no heartbeat. I was induced the same night. The cord was wrapped tightly around his neck. He was perfect. I am 43 years old and had to have several rounds of fertility treatment to conceive him and my darling DD, aged 3. It's highly unlikely we'll be able to try for another baby. I so wanted to give her a sibling. I would love to hear from people who have been through this or similar and come out the other side. I know it will be tough but I guess I am looking for some reassurance that it's possible to be happy again because the alternative is just too bleak to contemplate. Or am I kidding myself?

OP posts:
LittleWhiteWolf · 15/05/2012 17:35

I'm so sorry for you. What a horrible thing to have happened and what a great shock. I'm so sad for you. What was his name?

BalloonSlayer · 15/05/2012 17:46

I am so sorry.

God bless you.

kilmuir · 15/05/2012 17:49

wish i could make things better for you and your family.
sure the wise ladies here will be able to reassure and offer good advice.

cairnterrier · 15/05/2012 17:49

I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

bibbitybobbitybunny · 15/05/2012 17:49

All my heartfelt sympathies to you, I am so very sorry to hear about your baby boy. What an absolute tragedy!

BIWItheBold · 15/05/2012 17:50

I'm so sorry Sad

hellymelly · 15/05/2012 17:50

I am so so sorry. I can only imagine how truly heartbroken you must be. I have never been through this, but I know there are (sadly) many other women here who have lost babies and children and who will be able to offer you real understanding and support. My heart goes out to you, truly.

Methe · 15/05/2012 17:51

You poor thing :( I am so so sorry for your loss. The Sands website is very good. You are in my thoughts.

LoopyLoopsTootTootToots · 15/05/2012 17:53

You can get through it.

I am so sorry. It is horrific and there's no point in doing anything but cope for a little while.

My DTD1 was stillborn in 2009. I still get sad, and still get angry but I never imagined I would be doing this well afterwards.

I hope you have lots of people around you who are compassionate and helpful. Do remember to keep talking about it, and if anyone says anything insensitive do pick them up on it.

Thinking of you. :)

matildawormwood · 15/05/2012 18:18

Thank you so much for your messages. Little White Wolf his name is Daniel.
And thank you LoopyLoops. I am sorry you had to go through this too but it means so much to hear some words of hope. I guess I feel that my little boy was not meant to bring us sadness, he was made for happiness and it would be dishonouring him if this became the thing which were to blight our lives. I know I will never stop missing him and I will have to go through the grieving process but I don't want it to make me into a bitter person and I don't want my DD growing up in a house of sadness.

OP posts:
LoopyLoopsTootTootToots · 15/05/2012 18:30

That's a wonderful attitude.

I suffered from PTSD and had EMDR therapy, which really helped. Being busy has helped too, and I have taken many chances and exciting decisions - my life is very full and interesting as it made me really reassess.

Are you OK with the arrangements for post-mortem, funeral etc? I found that very hard, and ended up having a memorial the following year as I wished I'd invited friends and family, whereas I just wanted privacy immediately afterwards.

Bonsoir · 15/05/2012 18:32

Oh gosh. I am so sorry for you.

sybilfaulty · 15/05/2012 18:37

I am so very sorry for your loss.

There is a wonderful group of ladies who sadly have all been through the loss of a child. I am sure they will be able to offer you support and empathy. The link is here

My very best wishes to you and your family.

RabidAnchovy · 15/05/2012 18:38

Daniel is a lovely name, I am so sorry for your loss xx

OhChristFENTON · 15/05/2012 18:47

I am so sorry, sweetheart, for the loss of your son. I was going to link as sybil has - their thread titles make me both sad and heartened - I'm sure you'll find much wonderful support there.

''Even the smallest of footprints have the power to leave an everlasting imprint on the Earth''

Thoughts and prayers are with you.


Tamisara · 15/05/2012 18:51

I am so, so sorry for the loss of little Daniel, there are no words.

I lost my second daughter - Tamsin - last year. She was 37 weeks.

Like you I'd not felt movements, and she had no heartbeat. I am 42, so I know the age worry.

When you feel up to it Matilda, please do join us at the thread that sybil linked to, the ladies on there have helped me so much.

Thinking of you lovely xx

matildawormwood · 15/05/2012 18:59

Thank you for the link to the other thread. Loopy what's EMDR therapy, if you don't mind me asking? I think DP and I, if we have the strength and courage, would like to use this as a chance to reassess and rethink out lives/jobs etc, but it's early days and I don't know how I will cope over the coming months. Maybe I'll just take to my bed and become a gibbering wreck. Who knows? I think I'm ok with funeral arrangements. It's next Thursday and oddly, I've found the days when I had the worst jobs to do, like registering the death, going back to the hospital, making funeral arrangements, etc the easiest to bear. Don't know why. I just felt numb on those days. The days where I haven't had to make any arrangements have been the worst so far. I think going back to my daily life as though nothing has happened is what's going to be hard, the rest just feels like a bad dream. I had to leave one of DD's toddler groups early today as I just couldn't bear the thought that I'd be doing all the things I used to love doing with her, only now I would have to get used to doing them with a broken heart. I feel so sorry for DD. Not only has she been robbed of her brother but her mum's not really there for her either right now.

OP posts:
MrsY · 15/05/2012 19:01

Ohh, matilda, I'm so sorry for your loss. Thanks, sybil.

My darling boy was stillborn on April 10th, so I'm just a few weeks ahead of you on this awful, awful road. No mother should have to bury their child, but it is something that can help. Most funeral directors don't charge for their services under these circumstances. If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to PM me. I have outlined some of the details of Benedict's funeral on my thread for him (you should be able to find it at the bottom of my profile). I initially thought that I wanted a very private funeral, but then decided that that was too much like hiding him away, and we are still so proud of our beautiful boy, we wanted to share as much of him with our loved ones as possible, and celebrate the joy he gave us.

I also have a three year old daughter, and she has been a blessing and a saviour. I sometimes think if we had experienced this pain with our first child, I might not be here. It's so hard though - at this age, they are very aware of what's going on without being able to really understand it. Be honest with her and let her ask whatever questions she has.

SANDS are a great place to get support and advice. My local SANDS group offers one to one support and a monthly peer support group. It might be worth contacting them, or Cruse, etc. Please also stop by our thread, you will see that we are all asking exactly the same questions as you.

Daniel is a lovely name. I will keep him, and you all, in my thoughts and prayers.

maristella · 15/05/2012 19:01

I am so so sorry for your loss, sleep tight little Daniel xxxxxxx

bigTillyMint · 15/05/2012 19:03

OhSad I am so sorry for you and your family. And you too MrsY.

morecoffeemorecoffee · 15/05/2012 19:11

Did not want to read and run. I'm so sorry for your loss. Thinking of you and your family.

toomuchmonthatendofthemoney · 15/05/2012 19:12

So very sorry for your loss matilda and others on these threads, just keep breathing, putting one foot in front of the other and do what you can, when you can. Take all the help and support you are offered, do not hide away, say his name as often as you need to. Sending you (all) love and thoughts

3littlebadgers · 15/05/2012 19:14

I am so sorry for you and your family Sad. I hope you are given the strength to get through this terrible terrible time, you sound like you have such a great attitude and courage that I don't think I would ever be able to find. Your DD is so lucky to have such a fantastic mummy and I am sure Little Daniel would be so very proud of you. xx

ilovesprouts · 15/05/2012 19:14

so sorry thinking of you :( xx

iguanadonna · 15/05/2012 19:17

So very sorry.

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