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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

My beautiful baby was stillborn. Please tell me I can get through it.

99 replies

matildawormwood · 15/05/2012 17:29

My beautiful baby boy was stillborn on May 12. I was 38+3 weeks. I went in for a check-up because I couldn't feel him moving and there was no heartbeat. I was induced the same night. The cord was wrapped tightly around his neck. He was perfect. I am 43 years old and had to have several rounds of fertility treatment to conceive him and my darling DD, aged 3. It's highly unlikely we'll be able to try for another baby. I so wanted to give her a sibling. I would love to hear from people who have been through this or similar and come out the other side. I know it will be tough but I guess I am looking for some reassurance that it's possible to be happy again because the alternative is just too bleak to contemplate. Or am I kidding myself?

OP posts:
Annunziata · 15/05/2012 19:17

So sorry, will say a prayer for you and your lovely boy Thanks

AugustMoon · 15/05/2012 19:23

Matilda, so so sorry for the loss of your baby boy Daniel. I also lost a little boy last August at 35 weeks - your words and feelings are so familiar. The pain does get easier to live with, right now know there's nothing I can say to help - other than I wish this never happened to anyone. My heart goes out to you.

Original poster
matildawormwood · 15/05/2012 19:38

Thank you all for your kind words and prayers. Mrs Y, Tamisara and AugustMoon, I am so sorry for your losses and thank you for sharing your stories. Sadly, I am only just starting to realise how common this is. I know my DD is what will pull me through in the end, at least I hope so, but right now, I find myself getting frustrated because I just want to go to bed and pull the duvet over my head and I can't. Thank you for saying that the pain gets easier to live with AugustMoon. I'm not trying to diminish the grief but I have to believe that it does get easier at some point or I genuinely don't think I could go on.

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maristella · 15/05/2012 20:40

matilda while I have been been where you are now, a couple of my friends sadly have. They did get through this step by step and day by day. Do have the courage to tell people that you do not want to talk about what has happened, or that you do want to talk about Daniel. The closest friend that this happened to would have days where she would start a conversation by saying straight away that she does not want to talk about stuff and that was her code for asking not to. Sometimes she would ring up and ask to talk about her DS, and of course that is what we would do. She described her grief as being like a giant crystal, with so many sides, and with the sharpest edges and the most beauty. She said that when she talked she was exploring new facets, and when she couldn't talk she was processing the beauty and the sharpness. I feel so privileged to have been invited in to this process, it has been such an honour.

Sending you so much love xxxxx

BlackSwan · 15/05/2012 20:48

I'm so sad to read about your loss. This must be devastating for everyone in your family, and especially for you. Daniel is a beautiful name.

Friendlymum67 · 15/05/2012 20:52

I'm so, so sorry. I can't imagine the heartache you are feeling now and words seem so inadequate at a time like this Thanks

rosycheeksmum · 15/05/2012 20:56

Matilda, I am so sorry to read of the loss of your beautiful little boy Daniel. Sending you love and strength.xxx

changeforthebetter · 15/05/2012 20:56

So very sorry for your and your family's loss of your beautiful son Thanks

supernannyisace · 15/05/2012 21:00

I am sorry to hear this sad news.

x

GetDownNesbitt · 15/05/2012 21:01

So sorry x

FootballFriendSays · 15/05/2012 21:05

So, so sorry to hear about your baby Daniel. Cherish the memories of the happy days you've had during your pregnancy and plans you'd made. He'll live in your memories. It's been 8 years for us and we've had 2 others since. Still painful but lots of sunshine in our lives most days. Lots of love. This is as bad as life gets. It will get better.

Coconutty · 15/05/2012 21:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

buttonmoon78 · 15/05/2012 21:11

I'm so sorry for you all.

Grief is such a strange thing. It never goes away, but you learn to live with it.

Will be thinking of you and all who are or have been in the same awful situation.

chipmonkey · 16/05/2012 10:55

matilda, I lost my beautiful daughter to SIDS last October. I do have four boys but can't have another child. I won't lie, love, it is the most horrific thing to happen. You won't "get over" it in the same way as you get over the death of a parent or a grandparent but you can live again and it gradually gets easier to bear. Do join us on the thread that sybil linked to, we all help each other through this.
What is your little boy's name?

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 16/05/2012 14:40

So sorry for your loss :(

RIP Daniel x

LouMacca · 16/05/2012 15:03

So very sorry for your loss, my heart goes out to you x x

Sleep tight baby Daniel x x

hairypotter · 16/05/2012 15:11

I am so sorry for your loss. Daniel is a beautiful name.

chipmonkey · 16/05/2012 15:59

I am so sorry, I don't know how I missed his name. Daniel is a lovely name.

MiaAlexandrasmummy · 16/05/2012 22:28

matilda you are experiencing the deepest loss imaginable. And no wonder you think the pain is never-ending. In some ways, it will never end - but it will become less raw, I promise. I am living through it, and so are quite a few others here too. Grief isn't neat and tidy, nor is it linear. It comes in waves, with some days, some moments even, which are harder than others. But you will find the most amazing love and support from unexpected sources to help you through. Most of all, what I hope for you is that you are able to balance your pain with the love you have for Daniel. That love will endure forever.

fluffypillow · 16/05/2012 23:14

I'm so sorry for your loss x

AitchTwoOhOneTwo · 16/05/2012 23:17

i'm so sorry, matilda. daniel's a lovely name, truly.

LoopyLoopsTootTootToots · 17/05/2012 06:57

EMDR I hope you're doing well, still thinking of you xx

Original poster
matildawormwood · 17/05/2012 09:25

Thank you so much for your words of support. I am so sorry for all of you who have experienced similar losses. It's always been my worst fear, my biggest nightmare, and now I am living it. I know it's early days but so far the pain has been getting worse every day as the numbness and shock wear off and the pregnancy hormones subside.
Mia'smummy I am familiar with your story as I had been lurking on the forties thread, though too superstitious to post anything as I didn't want to jinx the pregnancy. So much for that idea. Even before this happened I found your posts inspirational.
Loopy thank you for the link and for your thoughts.
Football friends and chipmonkey thank you for the words of encouragement. I wonder if I'm slightly in denial about just how terrible what's happened is. I think I was naively hoping to persuade myself that it wasn't that bad and that it happens to lots of people and I would bounce back but it's starting to dawn on me just what I've lost.

OP posts:
Firsttobed · 17/05/2012 14:29

Im so very sorry for your loss Matilda. Daniel is a beautiful name. Wishing you and your family strength in the weeks and months to come. Xx

Original poster
matildawormwood · 19/05/2012 10:47

Today would have been my due date and I feel so bleak and empty. The difference between the life I thought I would be living with my new baby and the reality of the life that I am now living is just so stark. It truly is as though I have stepped into some parallel universe where everything that used to give me happiness now gives me pain, and all my hopes have turned to fear and sadness. I miss you darling boy. I'm so sorry.

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