My beautiful baby was stillborn. Please tell me I can get through it.

[matildawormwood]

My beautiful baby boy was stillborn on May 12. I was 38+3 weeks. I went in for a check-up because I couldn't feel him moving and there was no heartbeat. I was induced the same night. The cord was wrapped tightly around his neck. He was perfect. I am 43 years old and had to have several rounds of fertility treatment to conceive him and my darling DD, aged 3. It's highly unlikely we'll be able to try for another baby. I so wanted to give her a sibling. I would love to hear from people who have been through this or similar and come out the other side. I know it will be tough but I guess I am looking for some reassurance that it's possible to be happy again because the alternative is just too bleak to contemplate. Or am I kidding myself?

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

Matilda - my heart goes out to you, and I am lighting a candle now, in memory of Daniel. {{{hugs}}}

[RiskItForABiscuit]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Daniel is a beautiful name.

Thinking of you and your family.

[howhardcanthisbe]

I'm so sorry that you lost Daniel Matilda. What a lovely name.

My baby, Christopher, was born at 20 weeks in November. My DDs are the only thing that kept me going. I concentrated on caring for them and keeping myself very busy. I still have very bad days and I'll never forget or stop talking about Christopher but the pain has decreased a little

Please take good care of yourself and keep talking. Don't bottle it up

[matildawormwood]

Thank you for sharing that lovely story Maples - I can handle the sadness, I just want to be at peace with it, for the panic and guilt and fear to subside. That story gives me hope that one day I will get there. I'm so sorry to read about Christopher howhard. I know my DD will get me through...she's what gets me out of bed in the morning and she's the only one that can make me smile at the moment. I will not let her down or make her childhood sad.

[OpheliaBumps]

Oh Matilda I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm another older ivf mum, my twins arrived 8 weeks before my 40th birthday, so I can understand the ivf issues.

Thinking of you.

[Teladi]

I'm so very sorry for your loss, Matilda. Daniel will always be your daughter's brother... I have never been where you are so I'm not really sure what to say, except I'm thinking of you and all your family, and sending you lots of love.

[hermioneweasley]

Matilda, I am so sorry for your loss. I promise you though, that you will get through this and you will even laugh and smile and feel normal again in time, though Daniel will always be a part of your family. Xx

[Chubfuddler]

I used to hide from threads like this when I was pregnant. I am so so sorry. I feared such a thing happening every day of my second pregnancy ( not so much my first, I don't know why) and all I can think is "there but for the grace of god go I".

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

matilda please may I echo the other bereaved mothers here and say that your raw grief will subside, although your love will always burn brightly. I promise. I promise. When others, including everlong, said this to me six months ago, I truly couldn't believe them. In fact, I almost didn't want to believe them, in case it meant I would be forgetting Mia. Yet somehow, it is true. Just take life one day at a time. I love Mia more than ever, and talk about her with family and friends.

[Peppaagain]

My heart goes out to you and the others on here that have suffered the same pain - i'm so, so sorry. Take your time to grieve and talk about how you feel - too often people don't know what to say and so they don't bring it up, but with such an overwhelming pain in your heart you need to have people there to hear you, or even just hug you, what ever it is you need. Your little boy will always live on in your heart - good bless him x

[matildawormwood]

MiaAlexandrasmummy your words just made me cry - but in a good way! And thank you all for your supportive messages. It's appreciated.

[blondieminx]

Matilda I am so very sorry. Daniel is a lovely name.

A friend of mine had a DD born asleep a couple of years ago. She'd had her 38 week check and everything was fine - then she went into labour and there was no heartbeat I know that SANDS gave her great support and that she and her DH attend a memorial service each year. My friend says that the pain just becomes less acute over time and you get better at learning to live with it. I hope that in time you too find that the pain is dimmer.

Thinking of you

[Minione]

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss, Daniel is a lovely name. My son Malachy, was born asleep 2 years ago today. I know how painful those early months are, looking back I just existed rather than lived iyswim. It does get easier but the pain never completely leaves. Don't be afraid to cry, people expect it. Thinking if you and take care x

[VeronicaSpeedwell]

Matilda, I'm so sorry. My son was stillborn at full term on eleven days ago, also perfect and beautiful. I have no idea how we're meant to go on. He brought us such great joy.

[matildawormwood]

Oh Veronica I'm so very sorry. It's so utterly heartbreaking and incomprehensible isn't it? I still wake up every morning, six weeks down the line, and can't believe that this has happened. There is a thread on here - I don't know how to link to it I'm afraid - for bereaved mums. I couldn't bear to even look at it for quite a long time as I didn't want to admit that this was a club I now belonged to, but I've found some comfort knowing there are others who have walked this difficult path and are still standing. I'm here if you ever wish to talk about your beautiful boy. Wishing you strength xxxx

[VeronicaSpeedwell]

My heart had been torn to pieces by the love and the grief, two sides of the same precious coin. I know the thread you mean, it is one of the things which meant I was never complacent about the idea that pregnancy automatically brings you a live baby. But we hoped, we so hoped for him.

[matildawormwood]

Veronica Yes I know all too well the feeling of having your heart torn to pieces...the pain is physical. I have a 3yo DD and at times during the pregnancy I'd only half-seriously wondered how could I possibly love another child as much as I love her. Then of course the instant I saw my precious son, the love was there, overwhelming, enough to last a whole lifetime. And now I'm not sure where to put it all. Like you, we never took the pregnancy for granted. But when you get to 38 weeks you start to allow yourself to believe that maybe everything is going to be alright. It's such a cruel cruel thing to get so close...like running a marathon then tripping over just before you get to the finish line. I'm so sorry xxx

[matildawormwood]

We just had our first bereavement counselling session. I really didn't think it would help. I thought it was too soon maybe. But actually it was so nice just to be allowed to talk about my boy and what happened for an hour. I hadn't realised til I got in there just how hard it has already become to bring up the subject, even with my DP. I hope it will also help us to understand that we are both grieving for him in different ways and neither one of us is right or wrong.

[matildawormwood]

It was everlong. I didn't want the session to end, which probably sounds a bit sad! I was worried DP might clam up as he finds it hard to talk about but she was very good at getting him to open up. I thought it would be a waste of time but I can see it actually might be really useful.

[VeronicaSpeedwell]

Gka to hear the counselling was useful. Sending much love. Xxx