A month on and finding lossing my mum worse than ever

[t875]

I'm really struggling, i was ok..well not ok but the waves of all emotions were coming and then going hitting me hard but then felt a little better, but the last few days I have struggled beyond belief. Missing my mum so much, back to being in denial of how can it happen, she was 66 how did she have a severe stroke in her sleep fall into unconsciousness and not wake up :-((( I didn't see her that week but spoke to her loads and that day it happened spoke to her twice and had a laugh! :-(( I'm struggling bad, I'm very lathargic and can't stop crying and my head is every where, I feel Im struggling worse now!! :-((

Please tell me it gets easier..

X

I'm so sorry for your loss. Yes it does get easier, but I also found it hit very hard after the first month or so (my dad). In the beginning it is all a whirl, people to see, things to organise and I think your mind 'shuts down' to help you deal with it. Once these things pass it hits you like a tonne of bricks.

Do you have RL support. Don't be affraid to ask for help - a shoulder to cry on or anything you need. People do want to help but they often don't know how, but if you ask they are there.

it does get easier but it is ok to cry, you know
I used to start to feel better than feel guilty because it didn't hurt so much
or sometimes it would just hit me and I would remember again
the dreams were the worst, I would dream they were still alive and for that fleeting momnet when i woke up, they were still alive, and then i would remember again
have you got anyone you can talk to? It does help.

Have you read about the seven stages of grief?.
It tells you the 'order' for want of a better word that most of us process grief. I found it very helpful to see that it wasn't just me who was going through what I was, and to understand that it is a process and feelings will change and not how you would expect.

Do you want to talk about your DM?

Thanks everyone. Yes I have a lot of RL support. My husband is amazing and my daughters the youngest is very matter of fact where me and the eldest are having problems here and there with it and gets frustrated but she is going through them hormone moments too which is hard on us all.

I have had a lot of support from my friends and family, and I have a great friend who I talk too and hubby and also my dad, my brother seems to be shutting out a bit more. But I talk to them about my mum and I also talk to my mum. I miss everything about her, the void and empty ness is so very hard.

Thanks for posting the stages of grief, it's been very hard as I was doing better well not better but not had that dark cloud hanging over me. Saw the ashes yesterday too which knocked me for six and tv she would have watched it b g t and the voice, she actually saw the beginning of it all.

So very very hard, thank you for your replies. I'm seeing the dr Tuesday and will also be telling him about my mum.

Do keep talking, it helps and it does get easier. I'm 6 years on now, and while I still miss my DF a lot, it doesn't hurt. When I think of him I smile, feel nostalgic etc. You will get there.

I know exactly how you feel about the tv etc. One of the hardest moments I remember was reading something in the local paper and literally reaching for my phone to tell dad - and then remembered. I felt like I had been punched.

I hope you all feel better soon, and don't be afraid of your grief, if you need to cry/shout/curl up in a ball then do it, its all part of the process.

And your DM will always be with you, nothing can take that away.

Thanks Oreocrumbs. Thank you for your post, I really do feel she is with me just like im sure your DF is with you. I find great comfort knowing she is with me, although would love her to be with me in the physicial sense.

It does get easier. I too am 6 years on, but you will learn to live with it.

If this is any consolation, all my life I remember thinking how on earth would I cope, or how I woul get over the death of my mum. It was so bad, it sometimes tainted my life.

But the point is, I did. She is still with me inside, I can still see her, and I can still hear advice, and know exactly how she would advise me on things. Her dying sort of made me less scared of dying in a way.

It isvery early days, but keep talking, keep sharing and keep crying and hold her in your heart. She is still with you. Try to ride the bad days as best you can, but accept them too.

Thanks orangeandlemons for the advise. Yeah I feel her with me all the time. You say you have seen your mum? I haven't seen her but strangely. Have seen shadows and I also have spoke to my friend who is psychic and she said my mum is fine and is with her dad and her mum who she hasn't seen since she was 10. I feel when my mum is around, andni have been finding fluffy white feathers here and there which has been comforting andnother things. She told my friend she was never going to leave me and will be there all the time and we are so close like it sounds with your mum, I know what she likes and I know what she would be saying.

Sorry, no I can see her in my mind, I haven't actually seen her.

There is a saying that the only way over grief is through it. I think this is true, but you will come out of it, and won't always feel so devastated. When you start to pick up, you realise what a great job your mum did preparing you for a life without her.

x

When my dad died I experienced him around a lot, although I didn'r actually see him. There were lots happenings, I was woken in the night by a money bag downstairs rattling - got down and dads dog was choking on a pork bone from the bin. Another was a locked door sprung open, dads dog went mental 'welcoming', my dog freaked out and hid under the table.

I also went to see a spiritualist, in a town I had never been to for an open reading. He turned to me and said I have David and he has a lot to say to you! And he did - still a bosy control freak on the other side . He told me it was time to go back to work and take the reins (I worked in the family business and then DB and I inherited).

He also came to me in 2 dreams. The first very soon after he died I was in his old pub and his friends said he was just rpund the corner and he wanted me to go and see him. I said no, it was too soon I didn't want to see him. This was when I was very angry at dad for dying. I woke up and was gutted - I couldn't believe I had walked away from him.

The second was several months later. I was walking in a field with my cousin and he pointed to the field below and said that was my dad. So I went to talk to him. He told me this was his farm and I could have as many horses as I want there, just to pick them. I said I've gone off horses, can I have a pig . He squeezed my arm and hissed a laugh through his teeth - just like he did when he was alive. I felt it all. I asked him to come home with me, he said look around, I have everything I ever wanted and I'm keeping it nice for you. I woke up feeling peace. I knew he was happy and I knew, he knew, I was alright.

The experiences stopped after that.

I don't mean to hijack your thread, I just wanted to give you some comfort from my experience, and confidence to accept any 'happenings' you have for what you believe them to be. I know when I told people about this at the time they looked at me like I was mad, I am a bit, but not abouot this.

Yes, I found visiting mediums a comfort too at the time. One I saw was off the scale for accuracy

Sorry for your loss but yes it does get easier. My beautiful mum died 20 months ago now from lung cancer and I am now getting to the stage where I can think of her and smile rather than just want to sob although obviously I still have a sob for her still now and again.

Regarding having seen her this is my experience:- I have only dreamed of her a handful of times and whenever I do she is always very ill, dying and looking awful. I have a friend who is a spiritualist who told me this is my anger manifesting at losing her! However, about a year after she died, it was just before I was due to get up and I was having a dream but nothing about mum at all...anyway, all of a sudden she appeared to me looking beautiful and glowing, how she looked before she was ill. She floated up to me, gave me a kiss, said I'm ok darling and then she sort of drifted away........I am convinced this was her telling me was she ok, it def wasnt a dream. My spiritualist friend confirmed this and then told me I would never see her again...and so far I havent.

I am going to see a medium when I get the courage.

Hugs darling, its early days for you so just be gentle on yourself xx

Oreo - just read your post, pretty similar experience hey!! If I ever tell this story I know people think I was dreaming.......I know I wasnt!

Bettswollocks, I think that is quite interesting. When my dd was born after my mum had died I knew without a doubt that my mum was with me, although I had never felt it before.

When I had a very bad time with anxiety, I felt her touch me on the back. Again I know it was her, but don't think I am one of those people who are sort of in touch with the afterlife IYKNIM.

I do feel her dying has made me more spiritual in a way. Not in a Chritian manner, as I don't believe in God, but more aware of the cycle of life and why we are here.

Sorry for hijack. Hope we are helping yo a little bit op

Orange - after DH lost his dad he didnt see him but he felt him. He was laying in bed on his tummy and he felt his dad lean over him and whisper in his ear....he said all the hairs on his neck stood on end.

Mums death has helped me in the fact that I am no longer as scared as dying as I was......I dont believe in god either so it hasnt helped in that respect but I agree, I am more spiritual too x

Its nice to know other people have had these dreams/experiences Betty, life's a funny old thing. I've always been open minded about my faith and belief in the spiritual. I still don't have a decision on exactly where I stand on these things but I know what I believe happened to me.

My dad 'haunts' my DM to this day though. They were divorced but still had a great affection for each other. She says when she is stressed dad often visits her in the car. She will be driving along and the car smells of smoke. She tells him to bugger off! She says not only are we divorced but you are dead - I really don't have to put up with your smoking anymore .

Wow that story oreo blew me away, along with you other ladies, Thanks for all your support on this thread, its been really comforting to talk with you all, i have read a lot of things like that before although i know they are not with us physicially its a comfort for me when i know what i believe spiritually, i feel my mum with me orangeandlemons, like you i cant see her but i feel her around and feel her guiding me, have also had strange things happen, ive had fluffy white feathers appearing, and also ive seen shadows and smelt her perfume. I also see orbs. I am not pyschic but i do get strong feelings about things.

Have any of you got older children? My 11 yearold is saying she thinks about my mum all day and every day at school since. She is a lot more frustrated more than normal with the divas! But have any of you got older children and if so any words of wisdom advise?? She doesnt want to talk and shuts me down, is this a worry??

Thanks x

I don't I was only 22 when my dad died, I have a young DD now but she came after. I can only advise letting her work through it in her own time, give her every oppourtunity to talk, but don't push.

My DB was 19 when dad died and he didn't talk, or cry or much at first and we were worried but he did in his own time. After the funeral DB and I moved into dads house, and one night he just broke down and we both cried for hours.

I think it is normal that she thinks about her constantly, and I think that after time it will slowly settle down a bit. 11 is a funny age, with those hormones and facing changes with comp and such - I imagine she feels quite overwhelmed by her life and all of the things happening in it poor love.

Just time, patience and love I think.

Thanks Oreo, yeah ive said to her im there for her anytime, and just said try to distract your mind thinking of something else if it gets too bad at school but if you need to cry or a hug were there for her. She is doing SATS at the moment and like you said seniors in Sept so lots going on, Im so sad my mum wont be around to tell all about senior school.
But i guess she will get the best seat..and will be with her on the first day as we wont be and will have to wait till she gets home to hear all about it.

its very hard with my dd atm as she is very angry and frustrated, hormones raging as it is but since my mum she has been worse bless her. We are getting her into karate to see if it will help channel her energy, or failing that find a park with a great big tunnell or just a tunnell so she can have a blooming good shout!!

x

Its awful for her, and must be doubly hard for you, not just your own pain but watching your child suffer too.

I think finding some way to channel her anger is good, DB found punching walls helped him , but the same principle applies to 'venting' through martial arts. I think the tunnelling sounds like a lovely idea.

Are you near the coast? I am and I walked that bloody coastline a million times crying and ranting out to sea, to heaven, the great blue yonder and that helped me.

Also if she wants to write a letter to her grandma, she could and you could release it into the sky on one of those chinese fire lanterns. it might let her feel a release.

we got the girls to release balloons with their message on them and they watched them go off into the distance. But yeah we do live near the coast so we could go there at the weekend, i know what you mean its great to be by the sea and the openness of it all.

Great ideas, thanks for your reply oreo x

Anytime. I think I would have quite liked to be on here when my dad died, to say and ask things that my friends and family were unable to answer.

Pop up anytime you like, even if you just want to ramble

Thanks oreo I will do. Its been nice to chat to you ladies. Great support..
Take Care x

Sorry for your loss t875

My Mum also died last month. She was 64 and it was unexpected. I too felt OK (as ok as you ever will feel) and just finding it harder day by day.

I just find it so unfair that i will never see her or speak to her again :(

Anyway, just wanted to let you know you are not alone x

Oh Buster, that is sad.

I had forgotten that feeling of wanting to see or speak to them. You have reminded me. I am further down the journey than you, but you will reach my point one day.

I have accepted what you are struggling with, as I know she is still with me in everything she said and did. The essence of her is still in me. You too will reach this point eventually.

Hugs for all the greiving relatives on here. I remember seeing a counsellor after my mum died. She asked me why I had this terrible grief. Then gently pointed out that I felt like this because I had loved my mum, and she had loved me. This gave me some peace in those stormy waters of early bereavement
x