A month on and finding lossing my mum worse than ever

[t875]

I'm really struggling, i was ok..well not ok but the waves of all emotions were coming and then going hitting me hard but then felt a little better, but the last few days I have struggled beyond belief. Missing my mum so much, back to being in denial of how can it happen, she was 66 how did she have a severe stroke in her sleep fall into unconsciousness and not wake up :-((( I didn't see her that week but spoke to her loads and that day it happened spoke to her twice and had a laugh! :-(( I'm struggling bad, I'm very lathargic and can't stop crying and my head is every where, I feel Im struggling worse now!! :-((

Please tell me it gets easier..

X

What a beautiful post orange

I have tears in my eyes now but hopeful ones x

Thank you . I was concerned it might sound a bit wet.

Hope it helped a tiny bit. Tis a long journey, but you do get there in the end

It does get easier, I can now talk about her and still talk as if she is with us. I will never forget her or stop loving my Mom. Since then, 3 yrs, my oldest brother died suddenly 1 yr ago and now I am trying to come to terms with it. It is hard but I'm coming through slowly but surely.

So sorry for your loss and know exactly how you feel.

No, not wet at all!! Just lovely. Really. I'm not a very sentimental, gushy person but what you said resonated with me so it can't have been wet. I think you just 'get' us x

Sorry for your loss too Melika. So sad.

Oh NBATBF i am so sorry to hear this, it is one hell of a shock and my god you go through every emotion. Talk and cry and let off as much steam as you need too.

I find i have to go with each day and deal with it, sometimes hour by hour, but its so hard some days, when i get motivation i have to go full steam ahead because when im not so good i dont have any.

Sending you hugs and my thoughts are with you, its an absolutely horrendous time i dont know if you are spiritual but i do take great comfort to know she is around and i have also spoke to my friend who is psychic and she has let me know my mum is ok and settled and with my grandad and her mum who she lost when my mum was 10. I have also been finding feathers (fluffly white) in funny places, and also had a few things move, so i have taken comfort from this too. Plus i feel she is around me, but a lot of the time its not enough..

I feel exactly the same and it kills to think i will never hear her voice again and to hug her. I had a bad day today, cried in the taxi (he was playing jar of hearts on radio..ugh) but even so, was a wreck, by the time i got to work i couldnt talk for crying. I get like you 'ok ish' days and then i get days where i feel rock bottom.
Here for you to chat with here, so know what you are going through i have found these ladies on this thread so supportive to come back and chat, vent, rant too..

Take care
x

T1875. I'm sorry that you've lost your mum. Mine died last November so I hqve some idea what you're going through. In some ways it gets easier but as time goes other things are harder.

I now have to accept that its not just that I've not phoned her for a few days or weeks.

However my daughter who is 2 1/2 comes out with comments that my mum used to make which is lovely. Whilst mum is alive in me and alive in dd, she'll not really be gone.

T1875 I am on this topic because it is 5 years since my lovely Mum died. She was 70 and my story is similar to yours in that I was talking to her on the phone on and off that day and phoned her about 10pm to ask her if we could go into the town for a day of lunch and shopping then a couple of hours later she had a massive stroke totally out of the blue and that was it. Total shock. My brother came round to tell me what happened the next day - it took my Dad a whole day to be able to tell him as he was in so much shock.

I came on here to ask for help too. I thought I was doing ok and you do learn to live your life without your DM but it is never easy. You just kind of learn to deal with it IYKWIM. I don't know if it makes it even harder to deal with when it is completely out of the blue. I think I have been in shock for some time and have kind of retreated into myself a bit so for some reason this 5 years date has just floored me again and it's like my brain is letting me think about her and what happened a bit more than previous years. I do cry now and again and still get very upset that I will never feel her soft hands, do her hair for her, have her best in the world cuppas and all the silly little things. Dad gave me her make up bag (oh no I am crying now...) after she died and I sometimes open it and it smells like her. Her perfume, the way her hair would always smell so clean. Her lipsticks are just the way she last used them - I don't usually keep sentimental stuff because I can't really deal with it but it brings me great comfort to have her makeup bag. I used to love watching her put on her makeup and perfume and do her hair when I was a little girl.

Sorry to ramble on. I feel like I am hijacking your thread. I wanted to add that I too had a lot of dreams about her not long after she died. There were 2 or 3 really significant ones and then I had a dream I was following her. She had been to see everyone in our family then she walked up beside my Dad who didn't seem to know she was there. I turned to my brother in the dream and I said "but I want her to come back to me" and he said she told us she can't come back to see us any more because my Dad needs her to be with him. It was heartbreaking and sooooo real but surreal at the same time. When I woke up I was really upset but I was comforted to know she is with my Dad (who is still alive) as he misses her dreadfully.

I hope you don't mind all this on your thread but I just had to. Reading your replies and everyone elses posts has really helped me. I have no one I can really talk to about this in RL. My family are very closed and don't talk about anything emotional. I only really talk to my Aunt now and again so thanks in advance for allowing me to share your thread :)

Take care and the pain does start to ease. It takes a while but just take it minute to minute/hour to hour/day to day. I felt I would be numb forever. It's just taking me a bit longer to deal with than some other people. I thnk it really helps that you have supportive friends and relatives to talk to.

And I will never forget the awful feeling when you have to step back into reality and get on with life when all you want to do is curl up and hide. The whole world just carries on as if nothing has happened and it feels so cruel like time just marches on and you are forced to get on with it or be trampled. Everyone still barges past you, cuts you up in traffic, all the same crap on tv everything just carries on as if nothing has happened but your world has fallen apart. I also found that people want you to "get over it" quickly as it makes other people feel awkward when they feel you should be finished grieving. I still think of her EVERY day but usually in a nice way - the things you were saying about the programs she would be watching. I still think "Oh I need to phone Mum about that!" if something happens. It's automatic even 5 years later. We chose not to make the date she died into an anniversary kind of thing (I don't know what else to call it) but obviously when that date comes around it's always on my mind but I don't make a big deal of it or mention it specifically. It will always be on my mind though... It's harder when no one talks about it though. Anyway, I have said enough. Sorry if I have totally overdone it here. Thanks for listening if you have read this ramble... Your posts have really helped me today thanks.

Tamashii please come into this thread anytime, once again, i am so sorry to hear about your DM, couldnt believe the same thing happened to your mum. It is such a shock isnt it, i think this is hard right now as it only seems like i had that conversation with her like yesterday.

My dad also is struggling with missing my mum, been together/married over 40 years! And i am not only dealing with my grief im dealing with his too as my brother has seemed to have clammed up. Here for you to chat anytime, it is very hard. x

Orangesandlemons, i feel the same as you, although she isnt around I am her and she is with me and in my heart, she will love on through all of us, in the things she loved to do and her interests. I will never let her go and i know she will be with us forever.
thank you for your comforting words. x

Golemmings, So very sorry to hear of your loss of your DM. So very hard.

That is so nice about your little girl saying the things your mum would. My girls say different things and its nice because to me they are keeping her memory alive. x

Malika, sorry also for your loss of your DM, but also So very sorry about your brother how absolutely awful for you after what you have been through with your mum, thoughts are with you.

x

t875 - My situation is the same. My Mum and Dad were married for 48 years and he is so alone without her. I feel like i am grieving for him too. My brother seems to be holding it together, doesn't mention her, appears strong etc but i think he is maybe in denial. That and he had a 5 day old baby when my Mum died so he obviously already has a lot on his hands. It is a lot of pressure x

Naughtybuster, i know exactly what you mean, breaks my heart to see my dad not have my mum around, i just want to scoop him up and have him come live with us :-( But although he misses her like crazy he said he feels comfortable at home, and he is ok. He knows he can come to us anytime, day or night.

My brother and me have had some heavy conversations as my dad is talking to me all the time and my brother seems to be clamming up, i think he is still in denial and although i will always be there for him there isnt much i can do if he doesnt talk to me or i feel i cant talk to him. Im the same as you, i feel i am grieving for my dad. :-( Not had a too bad day today, weekends have been the worse for me since she passed as it was over leading into the weekend when it happened.

Hope everyone is doing ok today well ok as can be as i know its very hard. x

How are we all doing? I've had such a bad day and missing her like mad today well I miss her every day but really bad today. I'm so upset. And can't believe I won't ever see her again. I just want to see her, hear her voice!!!
My dad is struggling so much too and my eldest is getting frustrated so much but she won't talk to me. :-( I'm being there for her though and she knows that.

Thats the thing I find the hardest....wanting to hear mums voice.

Been on a bit of a downer....it was 2 years last friday that mums lung collapsed and the whole nightmare started...keep thinking this time two years ago.......

Hugs to us all xx

I'm so sorry everyone :(

It is so bloody hard. Hope you are feeling a bit brighter today t

My Dad is thinking he will have to re-home the family dog. Now i know this sounds pathetic and trivial but my heart can't take that!! She was my Mum's best friend and followed her everywhere but my Dad works away a lot and he is becoming stressed about her and how she is coping being on her own. He may take her to a re-homing place tomorrow. She is 14 and it is really making me so so so sad. I had no choice with my Mum but it is like we are giving her away. This is probably the most i have cried since my Mum died and i'm not sure if that is rational.

BTW, i feel really selfish mentioning this, you have bigger problems than this, i just feel comfortable here :)

I wasnt doing too bad yesterday then i come crashing back down in today.

My eldest is now talking about her a lot more, and was even upset last night so i guess her giref is coming out more.

Naughtybuster - oh thats so sad and i can totally understand how you must be feeling, can you let your dad know how you feel? Can you take the dog on?

What a hard time for you all, with losing your mum and also possibly having to part with your beloved pet. I really hope things work out.

My dad might be moving the cat on as its meowing a lot and also it reminds him too much of my mum, i will miss that cat and so will my girls, it will be hard if he does.

Hugs everyone x

No, our house is too small, no garden, i have a toddler and just starting back at work or else i would.

Sorry about the cat :( I guess they just need to do what they need to do and we just have to hope it is the right decision for them xx

I'm glad your eldest is starting to talk about it. That is important. You sound like a great Mum and will get through it together.

Bah! Life!!

Well the sun is shining and i hope it helps to lift everyone's moods today xx

Thanks Naughtybuster, i am starting to get worried about my dad, he is seems very down.

I am so lonely with out her, and i think in all honesty im still in shock, i still cant believe it, 30 odd year of my life gone..over night!

I know exactly how you feel. 30+ for me too. I saw her a lot but what i miss most is the random phone calls during the day. I'd love a cuddle as well. She was ace.

I thought my Dad would get better day by day but seems to be going through a very sad phase. I keep reassuring him that it is ok to cry.

The dog has gone which broke his heart - hopefully she will get a lovely family to look after her. I can't bear to think about it so am blocking it out of my mind.

I find all this grieving pretty darn exhausting! It is nice to know i'm not alone (although i would happily be, to spare anyone this shit)

Dealing with dad is one of the things I've found hardest. He's very old school and doesn't talk about his emotions much. I've not seen him cry; he's not seen me cry. He misses mum dreadfully and last time he was up he did admit to waking up in the night and feeling very alone.

It's taken 6 months for him to think to ask after DH and the dcs when we're on the phone. I find his introspection quite hard to deal with. I guess I miss being parented. He can't get far enough outside himself to do it and, well, obviously mum isn't here to do it. I didn't realise that losing one parent really meant losing both.

He also has very little memory of my childhood and is surprised by the things I tell him we did. As an only child I feel as though my childhood is a work fiction in my own head which makes me feel quite unrooted which again I didn't expect.

Thank goodness for my dcs for whom I have had to cope and get on with stuff.

~Try and bring your remaining family together once a week, and you will get to talk to each other. That's what my two sisters and me do. Once a week, we all go shopping and have lunch and talk about Mom (and our beloved brother) and reminisce. It helps, we really do think she is with us. ~We can laugh about the things she used to do, how strong willed she was and the things she used to say. I am still in admiration for the way she battled on when all her health conditions were worsening. She was 79. I am crying now!

I know it's early days but maybe a family tea would bring you all together and you can share your feelings.

This struck a chord with me. My mum died 8 weeks ago after being diagnosed with cancer in February she was 61. Herself and my dad had been married since they were 18. I have spent all day crying today, don't know why, guess I kept fooling myself she had just gone away somewhere :( now it feels so real . We would see each other every day and I feel so lonely without her.
No advice but lots of love, we will all get through this xxxxxxxx

Hi everyone

Yeah it's been a hard weekend for me my poor dad is really missing my mum. I'm actually quite worried about him at the moment. Although today seems better. All the jubilee stuff is upsetting as my mum would have loved to be part of it. Im putting it on though so my mum can watch it with me, although I bet she's got bird eye view and partying up there with my relatives.

Golemmings - this a tough one hun, I guess everyone is different with grief I am wishing you and your dad healing and comfort for your following days months ahead. It is not easy, my dad is a talker I am too. My brother isn't a talker so I guess we're all been different w ith the grief. My dad is ok day to day getting things done for himself when that stops or I see he can't cope then I will get him to see someone.

Simples - lots of love to you too Hun. So very sorry for your loss. It isn't easy atall. I am at 7 weeks around the same as u and also miss my mum loads. I would love her to be here but I really feel her around and have the white fluffy feathers turn up often. I've also had lots of things going on spiritually so that helps slightly but it obv isn't the same.

Naughty buster how are you doing there Hun?

Hi to everyone else, thinking of you all x

Hope everyone is having a little sunshine in their day through the hard times. xx

Yep yep yep! My Dad is actually thinking of going to grief counselling. Not something a 6'3" geardie would normally do. Think maybe good for everyone in a wayx

*geordie

Hey, I'm sorry for your loss.

It does get easier.

My mum died in September of cancer. At the start it was ok, I think I was both numb and relieved, but the following months were harder because life goes back to normal, you have less support and suddenly I got caught out wanting to text a her pics of DS and realising I couldn't and that I would never be able to again.

I think you need to talk it through, not necessarily with a health professional but with anyone. I used to dream about my mum every night in a quite morbid way after her death and one day I mentioned it to a friend and she suggested I talked about her more instead of "coping well" in silence. I started doing that and a few nights later, I dreamt of her again but this time very vividly and in that dream she told me it was now time to say goodbye and we hugged - i woke up in tears. Since then the morbid dreams have stopped and she occasional appears in my dreams but as a normal character of my dreams not especially as my dead mother IYKWIM.

I'm pregnant with DC2 now and it's hard sometimes, I can't tell her I went to the scan and that I can feel him move. I know it'll be hard at the birth, especially as he's due on my birthday and only a year after her death. my DMIL was diagnosed with cancer at the same time as my mum and I suspect she won't be around by the time I give birth. But I'm trying to focus on the fact that from now on I will be "the"mum, the matriarchal figure in the family and I will do my best to do a good job. My job from now on is to nurture my family and make sure we're all happy.

Good luck and hugs x