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Bereavement

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My boy...

140 replies

MrsY · 03/05/2012 09:33

I was due on April 14th with our son, a little brother for our three year old daughter. I?d had a difficult pregnancy and labour with our daughter (PET), and despite a few early bleeds, this pregnancy was ?low risk? so I was given the go ahead for a midwife led delivery at the birth centre. I?d had a couple of sweeps as my consultant was very keen for me not to go overdue. I?d had a bit of a show, and then on Easter Sunday the contractions started. I timed them through church and Sunday lunch without anyone noticing, and then my mum realised what was happening. We decided to go home and get settled, put our daughter to bed and see what happened. The contractions were getting stronger and closer, and we decided to call my mum to come over, in case we needed to go in. We called the birth centre at about 9pm and they said to go in. We left mum at the house and headed in, and we called my friend who?s a midwife and was going to be my second birth partner to meet us there.

When we got to the birth centre, the mw listened to the baby?s heartbeat, I was examined and was still only 3cm dilated. BP taken and was fine ? phew, and the midwife checked through all my notes and then broke the news that my latest set of blood results indicated my iron were too low and I would have to deliver at the main hospital as I my risk level was too high for the birth centre. I was devastated. Because I was still on 3cm, we headed home, thinking that if things picked up we would have to go to the hospital. When we got home, the mw called and said that she had checked the blood results on her system, and it was different than the ones in my book; I had been given the wrong results, so I was fine and could go back to the birth centre when the time was right.

Managed to get some sleep, as the contractions eased off about 3am. In the morning, mum left and we got back to normal. J?s parents called round to see if we needed anything and they decided to take our daughter home with them to give us time to rest and in case things kicked off. We spent the day pottering round with contractions coming on and off throughout. We went to bed and J ran me a bath when the contractions picked up again. They were coming about every 5 mins apart, and were getting really strong, so we called the birth centre again, about 3:30-ish. They said to go in, so in we went. We explained what had happened the night before, and she started her obs. BP was higher than normal, and then she tried to check his heartbeat, but couldn?t find it. She re-assured me that it didn?t necessarily mean what we thought it meant, but said they would have to blue light us to the hospital. We were praying so hard as we waited for the ambulance. J was going to drive behind the ambulance, and I asked for the gas and air, partly so I could manage the pain of the contractions, partly so I could suspend my fears until we knew what was going on.

During the half hour journey to the hospital, I zoned in and out of the paramedic and mw?s conversation but spent most of the time praying everything would be ok. When we got to the delivery room, J and our friend E were waiting for us. They told me I?d need to move onto the bed, and as I moved, I felt the baby?s head. I?d gone to 10cm and the baby was crowning. E told me to open my eyes and focus on what she said, and calmed me down enough to concentrate on pushing. Two pushes later and I had delivered him. He was taken straight away for resus. For 15 mins we heard them try and give our son life, but I knew that it was no use. E had seen him and realised that he had probably gone a few hours before birth, and had warned us that he probably wouldn?t make it. I remember saying at one point ?they?re going to stop soon, aren?t they?? and she said they probably would. I very nearly asked them to stop, but couldn?t quite bring myself to.

After 15 minutes, they stopped and one guy came over to tell us that our son hadn?t made it. Then it was like something from a book or film. I heard a noise that sounded like an injured wild animal, and realised it was me making the noise.

Our son, Benedict John Peanut was born at 6am on Tuesday, April 10th.

OP posts:
Rindercella · 08/05/2012 23:05

MrsY, Benedict John Peanut had the best possible parents in the world. Your love for him shines through your words.

Sending you my love and prayers xxx

Pan · 08/05/2012 23:30

MrsY - I am moved to tears reading your posts. You cared for and loved Peanut for as long as you were allowed to.

My best friend's wife (and so by dint another bf) suffered in very, very similar circumstance, this being 20 years ago. The photos, the service, the prints on ink. Their boy didn't make it either. They both on ocassion over the years talk about "their boy" - he continues to have a benign impact on the world, through them, as I am pretty sure Peanut will also in the years to come.

AliceInordnung · 08/05/2012 23:37

So desparately sorry for your loss. I'm glad you have faith - one day you will be reunited with Benedict in a place where it is said there are no more tears. Hope that thought gives you some comfort.

ToothbrushThief · 08/05/2012 23:41

Mrs Y - you write so movingly and share your feelings of grief. I cried and cried at each of your posts not for myself but for you and yours and the loss of your son Benedict.
Beautiful name
Your description of the time you spent with him shows that he knows you and knows about you and feels your love

hermionestranger · 08/05/2012 23:45

I'm do sorry for your loss, Benedict has had an impact on you and your family and all if us here too.

RIP darling boy x

StateofConfusion · 09/05/2012 14:50

mrsy what beautiful posts you have written, I am so desperatly sorry for your loss, I'm sat here sobbing for you and for your darling son.

He did make an impact, my baby brother was born sleeping in 2010, he would have been two this coming saturday, we will go release ballons and eat cake, he is spoken of often and although not with us is a part of our family, always.

Xxxx

RnB · 09/05/2012 15:01

So terribly sorry for your loss, Mrs Y.

lucyellensmumnamechange · 09/05/2012 15:11

You write so beautifully about your Son, I have been thinking about you since I first read your post. Your strength and dignity comes over so clearly, your love for your little boy so moving. He will always be with you xxxx

landofsoapandglory · 09/05/2012 15:19

I am so very, very sorry MrsY.

Much love to you and your family.

RIP Benedictxxxxxxx

hoops997 · 09/05/2012 16:44

My thoughts are with you MrsY the world can be very cruel, peanut is probably running around in heaven with all the other angel babies :(

RIP Benedict (beautiful name) xx

TheSecondComing · 09/05/2012 18:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RabidAnchovy · 09/05/2012 19:14

So very sorry for your loss

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 09/05/2012 20:16

I am so very sorry, there really aren't any words when something so very wrong happens :(

I am pleased you managed to spend some time with Benedict, create some memories and tell him who to look out for x

His funeral sounds beautiful and loving - as perfect as a funeral can ever be.

I have never heard of a woollen casket - it does sounds warm, soft & comforting, a lovely choice.

Give yourself some time - you don't have to decide whether to try for another baby or not right now, it's too soon to think about it. I do have a feeling though, that in time, your heart will win over your fear.

Much love & strength to all of you xxx

lemonlymon · 09/05/2012 23:26

Lots of hugs and love to you MrsY, and to your beautiful boy. x

streakybacon · 10/05/2012 15:35

So sorry for your loss, Mrs Y.

Love and strength to you and your family.
xx

porcamiseria · 10/05/2012 21:56

oh gosh, I am am tears

may be rest in peace, at times like this this I pray for a heaven where he is being cradled and loved

And may you have the strength you need

RIP baby B xxxx

MrsY · 11/05/2012 17:50

Thank you all very much.

Well, on Wednesday I went to his grave. It's so very beautiful and peaceful. It wasn't brilliant weather, and so the only person I saw was the ?custodian? man who lives on site and maintains the cemetery.

I felt quite peaceful, and stood with him for a while and talked. I wish the weather had been better so I could sit with him for longer, but I would have needed a change of underwear if I'd stayed much longer, with the rain going sideways! We've decided that we will look into getting a bench put next to him, under the tree. Then we can go and sit with him and it will be a nice place to go and read a book, or eat lunch, just being with him.

I scattered some daisy seeds over the ground, which should grow up with the grass. His birth flower is a daisy, and they seem to symbolise his innocence, and fragility.

We've decided that we'll take the Mouse up there for a picnic in the summer, we'd like to get her used to the place.

We've also started planning the headstone, I think all the planning and making decisions helps me feel in control a bit more. So we're planning special memory things, hand and footprint tiles and jewellery, tattoos etc. All to keep us busy and all to help keep physical reminders of his presence with us at al times.

Thank again for all the support, love and prayers. x

OP posts:
CheeseandGherkins · 11/05/2012 19:05

I'm so sorry for the loss of your lovely son. Huge hugs. My daughter was stillborn at 37 weeks nearly 18 months ago now, things are much different for us, easier in a way. It's never better and we won't ever get over it but I can say that it is a different feeling to the early rawness xx

harrietlichman · 11/05/2012 19:10

So very, very sorry.

bbface · 11/05/2012 21:46

I am so sorry, feel so much love and compassion for you. xx

MrsY · 13/05/2012 23:27

Benedict, I miss you so much. I'm so sorry I didn't do more...

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 13/05/2012 23:46

Oh lovey, you can't blame yourself :( You did as you were advised - there wasn't any more you could have done.

Lizzylou · 14/05/2012 14:57

Oh I am so so sorry.
I have a son with the exact same name.
I don't know how to express myself very well with things like this but please know that you have done nothing wrong.
I am crying for you all, you do write so beautifully about your beautiful boy x

MrsY · 14/05/2012 17:16

Thank you both.

I'm having a tough couple of days. The Mouse has been uber-grumpy and I've shouted so much, I feel like an awful mum. Logically, I know that both her behaviour and mine is a reaction to what has happened, but I just feel awful.

I miss him so much. I keep thinking about how much we've missed out on. The Mouse talks about him so easily, and whilst I appreciate the love she has for him, and I'm so relieved that she hasn't forgotten him, it still breaks my heart.

I don't want to feel like this anymore. I don't want to feel anything anymore. I just want my boy back.

OP posts:
Lizzylou · 14/05/2012 17:18

Please be kind to yourself.
You will all deal with this in your own ways.
You do sound so lovely x