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Bereavement

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My boy...

140 replies

MrsY · 03/05/2012 09:33

I was due on April 14th with our son, a little brother for our three year old daughter. I?d had a difficult pregnancy and labour with our daughter (PET), and despite a few early bleeds, this pregnancy was ?low risk? so I was given the go ahead for a midwife led delivery at the birth centre. I?d had a couple of sweeps as my consultant was very keen for me not to go overdue. I?d had a bit of a show, and then on Easter Sunday the contractions started. I timed them through church and Sunday lunch without anyone noticing, and then my mum realised what was happening. We decided to go home and get settled, put our daughter to bed and see what happened. The contractions were getting stronger and closer, and we decided to call my mum to come over, in case we needed to go in. We called the birth centre at about 9pm and they said to go in. We left mum at the house and headed in, and we called my friend who?s a midwife and was going to be my second birth partner to meet us there.

When we got to the birth centre, the mw listened to the baby?s heartbeat, I was examined and was still only 3cm dilated. BP taken and was fine ? phew, and the midwife checked through all my notes and then broke the news that my latest set of blood results indicated my iron were too low and I would have to deliver at the main hospital as I my risk level was too high for the birth centre. I was devastated. Because I was still on 3cm, we headed home, thinking that if things picked up we would have to go to the hospital. When we got home, the mw called and said that she had checked the blood results on her system, and it was different than the ones in my book; I had been given the wrong results, so I was fine and could go back to the birth centre when the time was right.

Managed to get some sleep, as the contractions eased off about 3am. In the morning, mum left and we got back to normal. J?s parents called round to see if we needed anything and they decided to take our daughter home with them to give us time to rest and in case things kicked off. We spent the day pottering round with contractions coming on and off throughout. We went to bed and J ran me a bath when the contractions picked up again. They were coming about every 5 mins apart, and were getting really strong, so we called the birth centre again, about 3:30-ish. They said to go in, so in we went. We explained what had happened the night before, and she started her obs. BP was higher than normal, and then she tried to check his heartbeat, but couldn?t find it. She re-assured me that it didn?t necessarily mean what we thought it meant, but said they would have to blue light us to the hospital. We were praying so hard as we waited for the ambulance. J was going to drive behind the ambulance, and I asked for the gas and air, partly so I could manage the pain of the contractions, partly so I could suspend my fears until we knew what was going on.

During the half hour journey to the hospital, I zoned in and out of the paramedic and mw?s conversation but spent most of the time praying everything would be ok. When we got to the delivery room, J and our friend E were waiting for us. They told me I?d need to move onto the bed, and as I moved, I felt the baby?s head. I?d gone to 10cm and the baby was crowning. E told me to open my eyes and focus on what she said, and calmed me down enough to concentrate on pushing. Two pushes later and I had delivered him. He was taken straight away for resus. For 15 mins we heard them try and give our son life, but I knew that it was no use. E had seen him and realised that he had probably gone a few hours before birth, and had warned us that he probably wouldn?t make it. I remember saying at one point ?they?re going to stop soon, aren?t they?? and she said they probably would. I very nearly asked them to stop, but couldn?t quite bring myself to.

After 15 minutes, they stopped and one guy came over to tell us that our son hadn?t made it. Then it was like something from a book or film. I heard a noise that sounded like an injured wild animal, and realised it was me making the noise.

Our son, Benedict John Peanut was born at 6am on Tuesday, April 10th.

OP posts:
Calico1 · 14/05/2012 22:33

Thinking of you and sweet Benedict. Sending lots of hugs for you guys xx

MrsY · 15/05/2012 12:51

Thank you both.

Having a crappy day today - angry and sad. I want to throw and crash and bang. Feeling very much like Small in No Matter What, actually.

Just reacting against all the poems and thoughts that are supposed to give me comfort. I know I should be pleased that Benedict is at peace and with God, but I want him here with me.

Having a snuggle in from of Toy Story 3, although the ending gets me on the best of days, so I'll be sobbing like anything later...

OP posts:
Zhx3 · 15/05/2012 12:59

I am so so sorry for your loss. Thinking of you and your family x

KnottyLocks · 15/05/2012 13:11

Sending you an enormous hug. Thinking of you all x

MiaAlexandrasmummy · 15/05/2012 13:28

mrsY of course you are resentful. Of course your boy should be with you. People want to do something, anything, to give you solace, but sometimes, they do come out with the most extraordinary things... big hugs for you, lovely lady. xx

mum2elandj · 15/05/2012 13:47

MrsY, never usually on here but am home with a sick 5 year old. Popped over from TB to read Benedicts's moving story, so I could understand a little better what you are going through. So sad that you had such a short time with your baby son.

Sorry you are having a hard day, you have coped amazingly well and I think it is important to be able to admit when you are not ok.

Mouse will forgive you for shouting, be kind to yourself xx

MrsY · 15/05/2012 18:04
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RatherBeOnThePiste · 15/05/2012 18:52

So sorry MrsY

Thinking of you, thinking of Benedict and sending love X

MrsY · 16/05/2012 18:04

We've just got home from our 6 week follow-on consultant appointment.

All the test results that have come in so far have been normal, so as of now, there is still no reason for what happened. In a way this is a relief. I would rather think of Benedict as being perfect but bloody unlucky than having a problem. J is relieved as he would like us to try for another baby.

We're still waiting for two lots of test results; the skin samples they took from Benedict which are being processed at GOSH and some blood tests they took from me (along with a second set taken today) to test for lupus and/or Antiphospholipid syndrome. This, apparantly, often presents with PET, so it is the more likely of the two, but still rare.

We're lucky that the consultant, like 99% of the medical team that have supported us, is so lovely. She had de-briefed me after my first labour and had been a huge support in my pregnancy, advocating my delivering in the birth centre and keeping my fears of PET or a repeat performance of my first labour/delivery at bay. She brought up the subject of another child; in a way, I think that is more the focus of these appointments than answering questions about what happened, because there often isn't an answer.

I still find it very difficult to think of having a third child. I had always wanted a big family, but space and money-wise, it wasn't practical to think of having more than two. Even if we had wanted a third, it wouldn't be for another few years. It seems very much that if we had another now; we would be replacing Benedict. In a way, I just feel I want a baby to hold and nuture, and we so want for the Mouse to be a big sister. But I don't know if I am strong enough to go through the emotional and physical upheaval that pregnancy and childbirth means for me.

I can't believe that it has already been over five weeks since we lost him. Sometimes it still feels so raw; like it only happened ysterday, and sometimes it feels like it's all been a horrid dream. I think the best way of describing it is it's as if we've switched to a parallel dimension - things are so very nearly normal, but there is something that is so terribly wrong. We are going to have to get used to a new 'normal', one in which we live our lives, nuture our daughter, work, play and laugh, but in which we are also missing a vital member of our family.

OP posts:
Jules146 · 18/05/2012 09:09

My heart goes out to you and wishing you the very best, you sound like you are doing amazingly well.

Love to you and your family xx

WisteriaWoman · 19/05/2012 20:43

Another sobbing here at the kitchen table. SO V V sad for you Mrs Y.
You sound such a wonderful person.
Benedict RIP.

foxinsocks · 19/05/2012 23:32

Take your time MrsY xxx

MrsY · 22/05/2012 12:48

Thank you both.

The last week has been much the same as before - good days and bad...

We're trying to make plans for the headstone, but each time we go to talk about it, one of us finds it too hard. Luckily, we don't need to make a decision too soon.

MrY has been up to the cemetery quiet a lot recently, and has been kept company by a single blackbird. I keep seeing single blackbirds too, and I did in the last few weeks of my pregnancy. I remember thinking "just goes to show the superstition is wrong - one can't be for sorrow because we're having our lovely boy soon".

I'm going up to the cemetery myself tomorrow, I need to speak to the chap up there about getting a bench next to his grave and planting flowers etc. I'm going to take a little camping chair so I can sit next to him and spend some proper time with him. FC the whether holds, as it's glorious today.

Love you, B. xxx

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MOSagain · 31/05/2012 16:10

MrsY, I just want you to know that you, J, M and Benedict are still in my thoughts and prayers (((hugs))) xxx

MrsY · 31/05/2012 18:46

Thank you love.

Spent some time with him yesterday, just talking to him. Last Sunday we bombed a load of wild flower seeds around the borders of the grounds, under the trees, etc. Hope it rains a little so they can establish.

We're going to a SANDS group later today. It's a local meeting of others who have lost babies. I'm dreading going, in a way. It takes a lot of thinking and editing my posts so I can try and express how I feel. If I talk about Benedict tonight, I'll have to do it 'live' and it's going to be a real struggle. I'm also worried that I'll not be able to cope with listening to other people's stories. That there'll be too much grief and emotion, which is not an environment I'm comfortable with at the best of times.

But I want to see how it goes, and whether it might be positive and useful. MrY is not too keen, but I think he needs a place to vent.

Will come back later to update how it goes.

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MOSagain · 31/05/2012 20:02

oh sweetheart, thinking of you tonight. Of course it will be so very hard for you but you can do it. There is no right or wrong way, you must just say or do what you feel. Benedict will never be forgotten. Will be thinking of you and J and hoping that you get the support you both need there. If you need or want to talk afterwards you can ring me at any time, day or night. xxx

MrsY · 05/06/2012 09:26

My darling boy, I miss you so much this weekend. Everywhere I look people are celebrating and enjoying the four day weekend. I wish you were here with us, and that I could take advantage of meeting up with family and friends to introduce you to everyone and show you off.

I wish I could see you and hold you in my arms, but I'll try and make do with holding you in my heart. I love you, always. Mummy. x

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rosieposey · 09/06/2012 13:46

Mrsy, so very heartbroken for you, j and m - it's at times like last weekend, or christmas or any high day and holiday not to mention any ordinary day that you must feel his loss most of all.

I have prayed for you all each day and kept you in my thoughts and I pray most of all that the coming months will be kinder to you and the pain will lessen. I know that probably seems unlikely but I really hope this happens for you all and that it gets a little easier to take pleasure in things and smile again.

There are only so many times someone can say sorry but there are many of us who really really are and wish this didn't ever happen to any mummy and daddy I really want you to know that you are always in my thoughts and prayers and I'm wishing you strength for the coming months and years - I am glad you have a place to be near Benedict but so very sad he can't be with you in person.

I will continue to pray for you yours - just want you to know that you are in my and my family's thoughts xxx

MrsY · 09/06/2012 14:39

Thanks so much, rosie. I really hang on to the kind words, prayers and thoughts of others to give me strength. xxx

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Mechavivzilla · 10/06/2012 00:53

Just wanted you to know I am thinking about you all. Sending you as much love and strength as I can xx

MOSagain · 10/06/2012 15:35

Thinking of you J and M today Mrs Y (((hugs))) xxx

Solo · 11/06/2012 13:35

Goodness, I'm so sorry MrsY :(

Offering prayers for you all and for your beautiful Benedict.x

Be kind to yourself. Lots of love.xx

MrsY · 16/06/2012 21:45

Hello my darling boy, missing you as always.

Poor daddy - it's Father's Day tomorrow and he will be missing you more than usual. I think he'll come and see you after he finishes work. Be with him and help him to get through the day. M has signed the Father's Day card from both of you.

Love you always. Love, like starlight, never dies. Mummy xxx

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MrsY · 25/06/2012 22:07

Oh my darling, I'm having such a tough day. I miss you so much, it physically hurts. We spent the weekend seeing friends, and I spent the whole time thinking of you. I wish you could be here so I could show you off and make all the other mummies jealous.

Your big sister was talking about you again, she calls you her 'invisible brother'. I hope that means you have been with her and she can feel your presence.

I love you so much, I can't wait until I can see you again - we'll spend eternity together. x

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treedelivery · 25/06/2012 22:51

(((((((((hugs)))))))))