Our son, Benedict John Peanut was born at 6am on Tuesday, April 10th. I can?t quite remember the proper order of things since then. J called his parents and my mum. His parents had to wait for my BIL to get to theirs to watch our daughter and then they headed over, but my mum came straight round. E weighed and measured him and we got him dressed. He wore a blue knitted hat that the hospital had, a green and white stripy sleepsuit and a Tots Bots stretchy bamboozle. We held him until people arrived. My mum got there just before 7am, then my sister arrived a little bit later and then J?s parents. We all held him and talked to him. My BIL was able to join us after he had found someone to have my niece.
J and I thought about what we would call him, (something we had struggled with throughout the pregnancy). J had wanted Benedict but I?d said no because I?m not keen on Ben, but I thought it was appropriate under the circumstances (it means blessed), plus I didn?t think many people would shorten his name now. John is for his dad, and Peanut was what we called him throughout the pregnancy.
After a while, I felt really claustrophobic from all the emotion and asked everyone to leave. Then E took him to do hand and footprints, and a lock of his hair etc. for the SANDS box, and when she brought it through for us, we wrapped him in the blanket and I changed his hat for one my mum had knitted him.
Our minister arrived and Benedict was baptised. It was such a relief to have a full baptism service and I felt he was more protected after that. After the baptism, E left and after a while, the minister left too. Then our families left and we sat with our son. The hospital chaplain visited and discussed options for the funeral etc. Then the time had come to say goodbye to our beautiful boy, it was just the worst thing I?ve ever done. We said goodbye, and the mw took Benedict.
For the rest of the day, we were mainly in the room. We had food, we went for a wander, we tried to watch some television. The mws checked on me every hour to see what my bp was like (it was really high so they put me on meds) and I talked to umpteen doctors, mws and consultants. The following lunchtime we were able to go to the special suite they have, and I told J I wanted Benedict back. He wasn?t sure if Benedict would have changed already, but I asked a mw and she said it was fine. We were able to sit with him for another few hours. J called his brother and invited him and his wife to come up and meet Benedict; they had been looking after M the previous day so had missed meeting him.
We played him special music ? Little Wing, some Elvis some Led Zep (no Beatles though, epic mistake) and told him who he should look out for in heaven. J wanted Benedict to find his grandfather who could teach him to play guitar, and I said my grandfather for some far-fetched tales of his youth! We told him stories of how we got together etc., and I read him a story (No Matter What). J?s brother and SIL arrived and were there for a couple of hours. We all had some more photos taken ? his skin tone was more even and so it wasn?t so traumatic. It was nice to be normal and relaxed, and create some more positive memories. I thank God that we were able to spend that time with him; it was as close to him being alive as it could have been.
The next day we spent some more time with him. I was torn between wanting to get home and see our daughter, and not ever wanting to leave him. My bp was back to normal on the second lot of meds, and so we were discharged.
J was off work for a few days, but then needed to get back to reality. We started making decisions about the funeral. J was able to take time out to go to the undertakers when I needed him to, and friends and family were fantastic about watching M for us.
He and my mum and MIL were able to go back up to the hospital on the Saturday to see Benedict again, but I decided it was best not to. I regret that now and sadly when I decided I wanted to see him again, we were advised it was best if we didn?t. We were able to contact a lovely lady who visited him at the undertakers and took his hand and foot prints for us; we are having clay tiles made for us, and for family members. I?m also having a charm made.
His funeral was held on Thursday 26th April. We had Jesu, Joy of Man?s Desiring (had it at our wedding and at M?s baptism), Karl Jenkins? Benedictus, from The Armed Man: A Mass for Peace, and Little Wing by Jimi Hendrix! E, who is Benedict?s Godmother was supposed to read the bible passage; Mark 10, 13-16, but she was ill so my sister read it. Then Benedict?s Godfather read No Matter What. We had some lovely prayers and some words from the minister. We chose a woollen casket, so we feel that he is cosy and warm despite where he is.
Then we went up to the cemetery. Words can?t adequately say how it feels to say that final goodbye. I?ve never been to a burial before, so it was a very surreal. We are lucky that the cemetery is beautiful and very well kept, and the area where is grave is, is particularly peaceful. Tomorrow; the day before the one month anniversary, I?m going up to see him. J has been up a few times, but for various reasons I haven?t. I need to do it at some point, so I think in that pulling off a plaster kind of way, I just have to do it.
Next Wednesday, J and I will go back to the consultant for a follow-up appointment. We aren?t expecting any more answers. We decided not to put Benedict through a post-mortem, so apart from some basic tests they have done on samples from him, and a raft of tests they ran on me, we won?t know any more facts about what happened. His cord was knotted is what is known as a ?true knot?, as well as being wrapped around his neck twice. That, together with my blood pressure/PET is the likely cause of death.
I know they will mention future children. In my heart, I?d love another baby, a sibling for my lovely girl who was so looking forward to being a big sister. She often talks about her brother, and she had such big plans for teaching him to roll over, sit up, walk and talk. But the thought of going through the pain of ttc (it took years to conceive M), pregnancy (bleeds and PET) and birth again makes me feel physically sick. I know J would start trying now if he could, but I don?t think I?m strong enough.
I don?t know if I agree that it?s better to have loved and lost.