Awful Weekend

[Twinkie]

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Oh Twinkie, what can I say.

Hope you and your family can find a way to come to terms with this quickly.

I am so sad for you and your family - i think you have been incredibly supportive and I am sure your sister will be so grateful to have you there - you have been through a terrible ordeal as well.

I hope in some way you can see a positive in what has happened having avoided a very unhappy life for the poor child.

I dont know how people have the strength to cope with such events and I hope you find comfort in each other as a family. Thinking of you

Twinkie I am so, so sorry. You sound like you have been a pillar of support and I would be so very proud if you were my sister. I'm afraid I'm unable to give any kind of advice as I have no experience of anything like this. However a friend recently had a miscarriage at 20 weeks, they had a service for the baby etc. Just her and her dh attended, I think she wanted to keep it private. And though I don't talk about it all the time, I do every now and then ask her how she is faring. I think it helps her to know that people haven't forgotten and don't expect her to carry on as normal so soon. They didn't give the baby a name, but if they had then I would always refer to it with that name.

You are doing all that you can for your sister and I'm very sorry that other family members aren't sharing the burden with you. It must be awfully stressful for all of you and I hope you have people close by that you can turn to when it all gets a bit much.

You know Countess Dracula has started a thread in further up about an appeal in the Times for babies who desperately need help in Afghanistan. If you think it would help, you could always make a donation as a family in Miles' name. Then at least his memory has benefitted other children and may even save their lives.

Offering you lots of cyber hugs and once again, I am truly sorry this has happened to you and your family. xxx

One of my twins had a similar problem and I had a late termination. We've just passed the first anniversary so it's very much in my mind at the moment. It was the single most awful thing I have ever done. I am in tears for all of you and the tragedy of losing everything in such a short time. If you (or your sister) would like to contact me direct please contact whoever. All I can suggest from my experience is that talking about it helps, particularly about the lost hopes & dreams. There's a wonderful book called 'when a baby dies' which I found helpful.

Oh, and you don't come to terms with it - you just learn to live with it, but the days do get brighter.

twinkie - don't know what to say really.
you must have been such a support for your sis, but please remember to takesome timefor yourself too.

Twinkie - I am so so sorry for you and your sister and her partner. I really don't know what to say and am feeling stunned by your story. You have been a fantastic support to your sister, well done.

Take care of yourself and allow yourself some grieving time too.

Twinkie, what a sad sad time for your sister and you. You are already doing all the right things and are helping your sister fantastically. Love Cam xx

Twinkie,

Should've taken more notice about your message to not read if pregnant - am sitting in my office in tears - have had to shut the door and pull the blind so no-one can see me!

I feel awful and it is nothing whatsoever to do with me - god only knows how you must be feeling. You done the right thing by your sister - she will never forget what you done for her and will always be grateful for it.

It must've been an awful thing to witness - knowing everything was out of your control and there was nothing you could do.

I don't really know what to say - apart from i am so so so sorry - i don't even know you or your sister but i just feel terrible!

Don't feel bad about not going to see Miles - you done enough for your sister - things like that can be very damaging to people and if you don't want to then don't.

My thoughts are with you and your sister Twinkie - if you want a chat you know where i am. Take Care

Jem x

Eeek - I hope your days continue to get brighter - the anniversaries are always hard.

Hughsie - thanks for the thought. Now, don't want to hijack the thread so a suggestion - there is an organisation, Antenatal Results and Choices who may be able to give support - if nothing else realising how common this situation is may make you feel less alone.

Twinkie, this is so sad. What a truly awful thing to happen. Well done you for being so supportive. You definitely did the right thing by being there. My friend had a stillborn child at term about 12 years ago, and we still talk about him. He will always be her first child.

my thoughts are with you
take care and remember to look after youself too, it was been an awful decision and time for your sister but you were there too..do somehting nice for yourself as well

I am so very very sorry to read this today. Please remember you are greiving too, don't be hard on yourself. As one who has a little experience of this , imo you are right not to see baby Miles. It is hugely upsetting, 'maybe' you could see a photo in a few years time. I certainly would suggest that you are open to conversation about him whenever your sister wants to - very hard i know though. Take care.

I am truely sorry and very very sad to read this. Have a few tears running down my face. Much love and prayers.

Twinkie, I've mailed you via the site.
I'm so, so sorry for you all, God knows I know what it's like to get bad news at Kings. I am glad they were supportive of your sister's decision and that you were there to help her.
Don't feel too bad about not wanting to see Miles. In some ways I am very glad that the only people who saw my little Tom were me, dh and his midwife. He was so frail, but perfect. You are wise to accept your boundaries, it will mean your support for her will be stronger.
I'd say the biggest thing you can do for her is refer to him always by name. It always hurts me when my parents talk about losing "the baby" or even worse, "your loss". Miles is a beautiful name.
Enid mentioned Sands. I don't know where your sister lives or where Miles was born but in our part of SE London the local group is very active and a great support. You can benefit from their knowledge and empathy too - the group is for everyone touched by the early death of a baby. You can contact them now, or in a year, or five, or twenty - whenever you and/or your sister feel ready.
I think your DP's ideas are spot on as ever. Somewhere that is child-free, beautiful, charming and understated is the Kilmichael House Hotel on Arran (Glencloy by Brodick).
Like so many others here I am weeping at the thought of what you have all had to endure. The sudden loss of the hope of new life is hideously shocking. I conceived dd just three months after Tom's death. She will be baptised on Sunday. We will never forget Tom and we think and talk of him often but hope and joy can return. Just give it time. Lots of love.

You are so brave Twinkie. I'm so sorry for your sister & you. Take care xx

Twinkie, what can be said. I too am sitting here in tears thinking about the terrible trajedy that you and your family has had to endure. You are both so strong to be able to deal with this in such a loving way. My heart goes out to you and your family.
I think that it would be wonderful of you to get something to remember Miles by and I think that your sister would love you so much for it. God bless!

Twinkie I am so sorry to hear about Miles.

I don't think you are being at all coardly to not want to see him. I think you are being a wonderful caring and supportive sister.

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Twinkie - I am so so so sorry to hear you news. You have been a supportive sister and it is a terrible shock for you too.

My sisters ds died in utero when my sister was 36 wks. It was her first pg too. Our whole family was devasted. I saw her before and after the birth of her ds - Michael. It was so hard to remain strong for her when all we wanted to do was break down all the time. I felt pretty useless at the time as I could barely speak to her as I was choked up at the time. I didn't see Michael - only my sister, her dh and my Mum did. However later she did show me the photos they took of him, and imprints of his perfect hand and footprints. A week or so after, my sister did get quite angry and lashed out a few hurtful comments to my mum (I don't know what they were). She also initially wanted to be alone in her grief. I did contact her but basically let her take the lead. She and her dh went away for a week abroad afterwards and I do think that helped too. I too re-iterate Marina's advise in refering to Miles by his name. What was so painful at the time was when no-one to wanted to talk about it or made throw away comments without thinking.

3 years later she still talks of Michael - and I make a note in my calendar of his anniversary so I make extra sure I don't forget to contact her. We talk about Michael a bit more at the mo as she is pg again. She already has another ds - who was conceived 3 months after. He's a lovely healthy boy and her current pg is going well. My sister always tells me not to forget that she has 2 sons, (and one dd on the way) and also has gone through 3 pgs - not 2. I think people can forget that sometimes - I guess forgetting about Michael.

I'll stop now - but I do feel for you Twinkie and your family. I think you're being incredibly strong.

Twinkie, wrong place to ask this question I know but could you being on Anti-Depressents affect your court case negatively. Could x2bs solicitor use this against you? sorry to put this to you but have you thought about it?!?!

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