Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

First Anniversary Today

16 replies

lesley33 · 20/04/2012 09:00

Today is the first anniversary of when a close friend killed herself totally unexpectedly. I have been dreading today and its been a hard week leading up to it.

OP posts:
helpyourself · 20/04/2012 10:11

I'm sorry for your loss. Can you do something for her and you today? Light a candle or let her relatives know you are thinking of her and them.

Original poster
lesley33 · 20/04/2012 10:34

She has no close relatives. I am meeting tonight with 2 of her other close friends just to reminisce.

OP posts:
giraffesCantDonateBoneMarrow · 20/04/2012 10:47

thinking of you

Original poster
lesley33 · 20/04/2012 11:38

Thank you Giraffes. I have lost other people that I love, but it does feel different when someone has deliberately ended their life.

OP posts:
gaunyerseljeannie · 20/04/2012 19:24

I know, I lost a friend through suicide 11 years ago. It does get easier. Thinking of you x

chipmonkey · 20/04/2012 19:39

So sorry, lesley. Young girl round here committed suicide a short while ago. She's buried 3 graves up from my dd. From the messages on her grave, you can see that she was really loved and has devastated so many people.

Original poster
lesley33 · 21/04/2012 09:47

Thank you for your comments. Gaun, I am so sorry you lost a friend through suicide as well.

I am glad that at least now all the first anniversaries are over. But I do still feel guilt, anger and overwhelming sadness that she took her own life. We will never know why she did this, but it was extremely unexpected. Her partner who she didn't live with, has a degenerative illness. But apart from that she had no obvious problems and no sign of depression, so it was a total shock.

I saw her very regularly and had no idea she felt like this and she had confided lots of stuff in the past. But I know I will simply never know why she felt she had to do this.

OP posts:
chipmonkey · 21/04/2012 12:56

Don't feel guilty, lesley. If someone is determined to do it, there's nothing their friends can really do, you can't babysit someone 24/7 and some people don't really talk about their feelings in depth so you couln't have had any idea how bad she was feeling and couln't have prevented it.

gaunyerseljeannie · 21/04/2012 17:15

I felt the anger and sadness too, at times it bordered on rage, as he left his wife coping with their two very small children, but I've come to accept that he was simply so very, very ill yet so good at masking the symptoms that he could not cope and we could not have known. The years took the rage away. Now I just take joy in all that he left, in our memories and in his kids. You may never know all the ins and outs but I hope you will be able to accept that in time and be at peace.
kind thoughts x

Sunnywithachanceofshowers · 21/04/2012 17:34

I'm sorry for your loss lesley.

I lost my oldest friend to suicide in 2005. The first anniversaries in particular were horrendous, but it really does get easier. I am at peace with her decision, but I still miss her.

Big hugs to you xx

Original poster
lesley33 · 21/04/2012 17:52

Thank you all and I am so sorry you have experienced this too. Yes sunny the first anniversaries have been horrible, so at least they are all over now. I don't think it helped either that it took so long for the inquest to take place - 8 months after she had died.

The anger when it comes is much much less than it was, as is the guilt. And I am sure in time they will go, leaving only the sadness.

OP posts:
Sunnywithachanceofshowers · 21/04/2012 18:24

Look after yourself Lesley xxx

DelGirl · 21/04/2012 18:34

sorry for your terrible loss Lesley. You may hopefully find the next few days get easier.

My dh has been gone for 10 years this year and for the first few years, probably still actually, that in the days leading up to an anniversary I am usually anxious and irritable. It took me a while to realise the connection and it can still take me by surprise.

Original poster
lesley33 · 22/04/2012 20:17

Thank you. DelGirl - I have been very irritable in the week leading up to the anniversary and it is only now it has started to lift that I realise just how irritable I have been. Sometimes it is easier to see how things have affected us after they have happened.

I am so sorry you lost your DH.

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 24/04/2012 23:38

sorry for your loss

i can totally understand as my dh killed his self a year ago (16th april so last monday) and i always said i needed to do all the firsts

it was a hard year and i hope you wont be too hard on yourself

no matter what you said/did if someone is determined enough to kill theirselves and want to, then they will xx

Original poster
lesley33 · 25/04/2012 17:26

Blonde - I am so sorry to hear about your DH. Hope things get easier for you now all the firsts are over Thinking of you. xxx

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread