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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Got post mortem results through today....

33 replies

desperatehousewife · 18/01/2006 21:36

Had scary meeting with consultant today to be given results of the post mortem - it's been a long long 6 weeks waiting for it.

It was totally inconclusive - which i'm fairly relieved about. At least I don't have to blame myself or blame my body for not functioning properly.

It's hard not having a reason for why it happened and seems such a waste - but it does mean that I can (if I can ever pluck up the courage again) get pregnant and know that it should go smoothly (touch wood/caveat and any number of superstitious things!!)

This has been hanging over my head like a ton of bricks and I am just so relieved that it is over. Only one last thing to do now (decide what on earth to do with his ashes) then it is all over - we can try to move on.

I'm under no illusion that there will still be many ups and downs to come.

Thanks to everyone for yr support.

DHWx

OP posts:

spacecadet · 18/01/2006 21:38

massive cyber hugs to you{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}
thinking of you.
space x

starlover · 18/01/2006 21:39

glad you got the results at last dhw. it must be difficult not knowing WHY... but i supose we jsut have to accept that sometimes these things happen.

thikning of you

doormat · 18/01/2006 21:39

dhw hugs
xxx

Nemo1977 · 18/01/2006 21:40

DHW I was wondering how you were doing but didnt want to ask on SCs thread. Glad the results were incinclusive for you. Hope you find something to do with ashes that brings some sort of peace to you and your family.
take care

MarsOnLife · 18/01/2006 21:40

thinking of you.

bubble99 · 18/01/2006 21:40

Thinking of you. XXXXX

IMO,don't be in a rush to do anything with his ashes. Wait until the time feels right.

Original poster

desperatehousewife · 18/01/2006 21:43

really bubble? i am so desperate to get it all over if you know what I mean - just can't bear to have it hanging over my head any longer - but we can't decide or agree on what feels right to us...

OP posts:

Racers · 18/01/2006 21:44

DHW you really are an amazing person. Just want to add my hugs and echo what Bubble said about taking your time regarding the ashes.
x

zephyrcat · 18/01/2006 21:46

Hiya DHW. I'm with Bubble - don't feel rushed to do anything, take your time to decide what feels right for you and dh. In a way it's a good thing that it was inconclusive but at the same time doesn't give that conclusive reason. I think about you a lot and hope that you are doing ok. xx

oops · 18/01/2006 21:50

Message withdrawn

bubble99 · 18/01/2006 21:51

I totally understand that you want to move on and get over this. You will, but I also think that you both need to feel right about where you scatter his ashes. Give yourself time.

spacecadet · 18/01/2006 21:55

can only reiterate what everyone else has said, dont be in a hurry, now you have had the results, you can step another step forward in the grieving process, but when the time is right, you will know where you want to scatter your little ones ashes.

Original poster

desperatehousewife · 19/01/2006 08:07

will take this on board - thanks everyone. Will discuss hanging onto them until we feel really comfortable about our decision.
x

OP posts:

ggglimpopo · 19/01/2006 08:11

Message withdrawn

calebsmummy · 19/01/2006 09:14

Hi DHW,

I am glad you finally got your babies PM results back. You are so right, it is another thing to have dealt with. You definatlely will still have ups and downs though.

I agree with bubble about his ashes. You really must give yourself time, find the perfect place and then you won't have any regrets. It's only been 6 weeks, your emotions will still be way up in the air. I know I have regrets. Cai was buried in Bristol and I know I wished very soon after that I had had him buried in my home town as I knew I wouldn't want to stay in Bristol. As it is now, he is so far away I rarely get to visit his grave and feel dreadful about that. So please take your time. A lot people I know have planted a special tree or plant in memory of their baby and buried the ashes with that.

Take care DHW. Still thinking of you x

Original poster

desperatehousewife · 19/01/2006 10:46

thanks cm

we initially wanted to plant the ashes with a tree somewhere - but cannot find anywhere to do this - need to know that tree will be looked after and tended and that it is 'our' tree! Don't want it marked or anything - just need to know which is our tree.

Cannot plant the tree in my own garden as we will be moving over the next couple of years. Also don't want the responsibility of the tree dying.

I have just held my first baby today - a friend's 10 week old. Was quite a big thing for me, but it felt absolutely fine. I think because the baby was a girl and not a new born.

Another thing ticked off (do you get a sense that I am treating this like a 'to do list'?!!)

OP posts:

KeepingMum · 19/01/2006 10:57

Dear Desperatehousewife, I am glad that you finall got your babies PM results and that they have not caused distress. I can't imagine what you must feel like in this situation.
I just wanted to let you know that there is a charity called the Woodland Trust who let you sponsor trees, I sponsored one for our son when he was born. I don;t think they are marked, they just tell you where the wood is, but at least you know the wood was being looked after, I wonder if this would be an option. You could then visit the would and scatter the ashes under any chosen tree. It is very difficult decision, we still haven't done anything with my dads ashes, and he died 4 years ago. I hope you are getting lots of support. Thinking of you

Marina · 19/01/2006 11:13

DHW, there is a SANDS memorial garden at the National Arboretum in Alrewas, in Staffs. Or you could enquire if there is a woodland burial ground near where you live (big one in Surrey and the one in S London is at Nunhead Cemetery).
We chose not to have ashes for ds2 because we knew we would be unable to deal with what to do with them afterwards.
We couldn't get a tree rightaway either because of the expectation we'd kill that too, but we did feel able to some months later. It's in our garden because we know we're not moving for the foreseeable future, and it brings us a lot of quiet happiness to see it growing.
When you do feel ready to TTC again I have got a couple of books I bought that were written for women in this position (both American, surprise surprise, but one in particular I found really useful despite the antenatal advice not relating to the NHS). Please let me know if you want them. I'd like them to go to a good home IYSWIM.
I must say I think you are being very strong and sensible about the inconclusive PM. Ours was too, and I had the same conversation with our consultant...one of those things...but a "better" result if you want to try again than some definite cause for the baby's death - and it made me toweringly angry and very sad indeed for a time. If I'm honest, the randomness of ds2's death still hurts sometimes.
But like you and gggl, I realised on some level that the statistical odds were therefore better for another pregnancy, and we had dd just a year later.
Wishing you lots of luck and love XXX

calebsmummy · 19/01/2006 12:08

It is a bit like a 'to do' list isn't it, dhw. But only in the sense that when all of the things you 'need' to do are done you can start to mend yourself as much as you can be mended. I guess all of these things 'to do' are a part of what we have to go through to help us get through those awful first weeks/months. You are doing so well, I don't know you but you make me feel very proud of you!

I know what you mean about not planting a tree in your garden, it is exactly why we haven't yet as we aren't in the place we will stay forever and I couldn't bear to leave my baby's tree behind! When my FIL passed away in July we planted a tree at his sailing club. It was more for the grandsons, a sort of goodbye for them and something they can watch grow. It will always be there. They asked us if we wanted to place a plaque there but we said no, as we know where it is and why and that is what is important.

You will find the right thing to do eventually.

Take care x

Original poster

desperatehousewife · 19/01/2006 12:17

thanks for your lovely words calebsmummy and marina - means a lot.

marina, i'd love those books - I have all sorts of questions about how i'll feel if i do take the plunge (and if i were a betting woman, i would lay money that I will!).

I would be very happy to pay for p&p.

If we have a tree it has to be here in Brighton - where he was born.

OP posts:

Marina · 19/01/2006 12:20

Sorry, I remember you are Brighton now. I am sure such a hip city has either a Woodland Trust site or a green burial ground if that option appeals.
CAT me with your address and please do not worry about P & P

cori · 19/01/2006 12:50

Hi DHW,
We never found out a reason for the loss of our baby either. In a way it was a bit of a relief really. At least it meant that the chances of it happening again were slim. The meeting with the consultant gave us some closure. We didnt have any ashes, as baby was too small(and wouldnt have known what to do with them) but we did have a tree planted in a forest, ( with trees for life) which I was planning on visiting on the anniversary of the M/C (however have just realised that this baby is due in the same week I had the miscarriage last year. )

Original poster

desperatehousewife · 19/01/2006 15:45

Cori - i've heard so many similar stories of womean having babies on or around the anniversary date...weird how that happens isn't it?

OP posts:

cori · 19/01/2006 16:26

really, have not heard that myself. I actually got a bit of shock as I was typing that message, I hadnt realised it would be in the same week.

Not sure how I feel about that TBH.

spacecadet · 19/01/2006 16:38

dhw, i just wanted to add that despite everything you are going through, you are going out on a limb for me too, you are a truly lovely person.

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