Got post mortem results through today....

[desperatehousewife]

Had scary meeting with consultant today to be given results of the post mortem - it's been a long long 6 weeks waiting for it.

It was totally inconclusive - which i'm fairly relieved about. At least I don't have to blame myself or blame my body for not functioning properly.

It's hard not having a reason for why it happened and seems such a waste - but it does mean that I can (if I can ever pluck up the courage again) get pregnant and know that it should go smoothly (touch wood/caveat and any number of superstitious things!!)

This has been hanging over my head like a ton of bricks and I am just so relieved that it is over. Only one last thing to do now (decide what on earth to do with his ashes) then it is all over - we can try to move on.

I'm under no illusion that there will still be many ups and downs to come.

Thanks to everyone for yr support.

DHWx

[Marina]

Happened with us.
If dd had gone full-term she would have been born within a fortnight of the anniversary of ds2's stillbirth. She was born by elective c-section a few days before that (not because we asked, there were medical reasons) but still too close for comfort if I'm honest. We had hoped for a VBAC for her and I was already very upset at the thought that if they made us go to 42 weeks before an elective she might well be born on the day itself
Hope all is well with you cori and sending SC and DHW positive vibes...
Although many doctors pooh-pooh this, anecdotal evidence suggests that you may be more fertile than usual after a miscarriage or stillbirth, just as non-breastfeeding women are after a successful term delivery. I think this is why a lot of women choose to disregard the medical profession's advice to wait a while before TTCing.
In my case, I felt I had nothing else to lose. I was 39 and had been trying for ds2 for nearly two years. I did actually think I would never get pregnant again...

[desperatehousewife]

that's a lot to have to deal with isn't it on top of everything Marina.

So with your experience, would you advise me (at 35 this month, with one 3.5yr old) to wait some time before i ttc? In an ideal world I would like 2 children, so this would be my last chance and already the age gap will now be pretty hefty. But not the end of the world I know.

[cori]

DHW-
I cant advise and obviously you had a lot later loss than me. I am also 35 (36 in June) and DS will be four soon. You have to do what you feel is right, but my concern is that there are greater risk of M/C etc the older you get.

I think Marina is saying many women decide not too wait because they feel will be more fertile straight after.

[Marina]

It does seem to be a big issue for women to deal with at the time (ie, it makes the pregnancy fraught and the time around birth bittersweet).
BUT several of my SANDS friends said it didn't matter when they got pregnant again (ie, right away, or some time later)...they still found pregnancy stressful and the birth an additionally emotional time.
So I think what I am saying is that although my pregnancy with dd was hard going, and having her so near the anniversary was hard too, those are feelings that are in the past for us, and the pleasure of having her has helped us hugely. We remember Tom with love always, and sadness on his special days (anniversary of due date and anniversary of birth) of course.
The advice now seems to run along the lines of TTC when you feel ready, be prepared for the pregnancy to be that bit more stressful than the norm, and, however you are feeling during the pregnancy, it's normal for women who have experienced stillbirth or miscarriage before.
DHW, there is some good stuff on all of this in the books I am sending you. I hope they help.
My other top tip would be, even if you have not wanted to contact SANDS before now, many branches have Befrienders to whom you can talk about being pregnant again after a baby has died. My Befriender, Charlotte, moved house after dd was born, and we lost contact, but if by any chance she is a Mner, I'd like her to know that she saved my sanity and I will never forget her empathy and generosity.

[desperatehousewife]

marina

i got in contact with sands the day after it happened! I was straight on the phone. They were great. I met up with my local sands volunteer just after xmas - we had a coffee and she was fantastic - great to talk to someone who had experience. She did not go on to have another child though (she adopted).

The other befriender where I live is called charlotte - don't suppose it would be the same one would it? (Mitchell I think).

[Marina]

Sadly not "my" Charlotte DHW. So glad you found someone to talk to though
I hope to become a Befriender either this year or next. I think my own experiences are far enough behind me now for them to help me try to help others rather than still occasionally muddying the waters of objective empathy IYSWIM

[desperatehousewife]

fantastic - go for it - how great to be able to use terrible experience to help others. I'd like to do it too i think.

[Marina]

It's kind of casting about to find some positive outcome for a very traumatic and sad experience, I think. Using your knowledge of the issues to try and support other families, and campaign for better awareness.
It was SANDS that campaigned successfully for the gestational age at which a stillborn baby can be registered to come down from 28 weeks to 24. They wanted 20 weeks, but did not succeed.
What they also did was work with undertakers to provide a more sensitive service to parents with very small babies and no death certificate. Our local funeral directors did Tom's funeral entirely free of charge (not a large one, granted, but still supplying a car and staff and everything else. They were so unexpectedly kind).