Please or to access all these features

Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

My beautiful red-headed 13-month daughter died totally unexpectedly

999 replies

MiaAlexandrasmummy · 19/11/2011 14:12

I have never posted on mumsnet before, while my beautiful Mia was alive, although I read all the advice often. So I feel a bit of a fraud now - I can't be her mummy anymore.

She died nearly four weeks ago now. We had the most beautiful, touching service, with our families from all over the world with us, and we have been so touched by all the love shown to us by friends, friends of family, friends of friends, and even people who we don't even know.

But I hurt so much. The pain returns afresh each day, overwhelming me, even though I am managing to get up, get out of the house, and function on a basic level.

Mia wasn't supposed to die. She was so happy, developing well, eating well, with no sign of illness. But she was, it turns out.

I am her mummy, and she spent so much time with me. How could I not know?? How can we go on and adapt to a life without her? Obviously, people manage somehow, but I keep fighting the fact that she is really gone, and we will never see her smile again, kiss her soft curls or hold her in our arms. It is so wrong.

OP posts:
Glenshee · 16/03/2012 13:37

Love, like starlight, never dies.

pookiecat · 17/03/2012 08:51

Carry on writing your thoughts and memories; you and your Mia have become very special to a vast amount of people who have never met you. Stay strong , you are in all our thoughts xx

dubaipieeye · 17/03/2012 16:13

Miasmummy, as others have said - you and Mia are exceptional, really, you are - I've learnt so much from reading this thread and I thank you and sparkly Mia for that.

Hoping that the next few days pass as gently as possible.

With continuing love from over here in the sand xx

jan2011 · 17/03/2012 16:25

Miasmummy I just came across your thread and hope you don't mind me coming just to say your experience has really touched my heart, i am glad you shared it and thank you for being open to share. it is lovely to have the privilege to read about lovely Mia, her shining personality and what she meant to you. i am so sorry you are going through this - i just wanted to let you know that i will be thinking and praying for you over Mothers day and my heart goes out to you

MikL · 17/03/2012 20:20

Mias, have read this post for a long time. xxx to you and your husband.

MiaAlexandrasmummy · 17/03/2012 20:57

All your words are very kind, and they mean so much to me. Mia is the one who is exceptional, and if I can convey just a little of how wonderful she was, and how much she means to me, then i have achieved something special.

For tomorrow, I am determined that we will choose how to commemorate the day, rather than be overwhelmed by it. Mia will be celebrated through nature's beauty. We went out this afternoon and bought some beautiful wildflower seeds to scatter, and another red oak for the garden. They will be watered with tears of liquid love, but also they will be combined with the everlasting seeds of love.

I have posted this here before, but it feels right again tonight - composed by Mia's aunt.

The Touch
Clutching a hand to complete the chain,
Love through a touch simple and plain.
Fingers entwined we walked through the fields,
Crystal blue skies, giggles and squeals.
Stop at the kissing gate, we pass, 1,2,3
Switching the gates, no need for a key.
To twirl on the roundabout, slide down the slide
Back to the roundabout, please one more ride.
Enjoying a beauty of all to be seen,
Mia our cousin, our little Queen.
A walk through the colours, a life just begun,
But where are you now, our little one?
Sifting the sand wrapped up warm in our coats,
Bathing together, let's make the ducks float.
Kissing your skin, helping you stand,
Pushing your trolley you looked so proud, so grand
Dancing and clapping, what a wonderful thing!!
Delicate Mia, what fun it has been.
The hands that we held so perfect and pure
Are hands that we can?t hold anymore,
Yet the love that connected ourselves by that touch,
Will always be there, we love you so much.

And we do, Mia. We love you so very, very much, darling girl. You live gloriously in our hearts. Love always, mummy. xx

OP posts:
Glenshee · 17/03/2012 23:28

What a beautiful poem xxx

fluffypillow · 18/03/2012 00:00

Dear Mias Mummy, this is my first ever post on MN. I have been 'lurking' on the site for a while, and came across your thread some weeks ago. I wanted to come here to post you a message, because your situation has touched me so much. I hope you don't mind.

The way you talk about your beautiful little girl is so moving. I am struggling to find the right words to write now (I've written so many things, then deleted them , as nothing seems right).

I just want you to know that I am thinking of you, and your special little Mia.

Lots of love to you x

strictlycomedancingdiva · 18/03/2012 00:48

Mia's Mummy, I am another who has lurked on your thread a while but not posted. Purely because words just don't feel enough, I have written, deleted, re-written. I too have been touched by the way you write about your delightful Mia.

May the next couple of days pass gently for you. x

Flubba · 18/03/2012 06:16

You are one of the best mothers I have ever come across. Truly.

Thinking of you today and wishing you peace and love.

jmf294 · 18/03/2012 08:07

Thinking of you today.
May the great love you have for your darling beautiful Mia comfort you and give you peace and hope.

MiaAlexandrasmummy · 18/03/2012 08:35

A loveletter

Darling Mia,

I am so unbelievably proud of you, my beautiful girl. So is your daddy. He says that you are the best thing that ever happened to him, and that he didn't even know that such happiness was possible until you arrived into our lives. He is very smart, your daddy.

We love everything about you.

You were alert and bright-eyed, even at only a few weeks old. You were so curious about your world! I loved seeing you watch and figure things out - moving your jungle puzzle pieces on your birthday, gleefully practising walking with your trolley, pressing the music button on your Wheels on the Bus book, learning how to play the triangle. Small victories, and huge accomplishments at the same time.

You loved interaction. Your eyes would gleam, you would do your happy bounces, and trill in your sweet, funny way. Whether it was grinning at the antics of your cousins on skype, or chasing your friends around the sofa, or giggling as we would touch hands through the stair banisters, it was all so much fun.

But we miss you. That is a deep constant pain now. I miss feeling your hands around my legs, and your endless array of sound signals to convey your emotions, preparing your food and dressing you in colourful outfits. As your daddy says, we were a 'little unit.' I miss holding your warm soft body on my hip, feeling your fingers curl around mine, and kissing those incredibly soft red curls. And especially those tender, trusting looks of love you gave me.

You have changed us. You gave us such joy, and even now, I smile through tears at the wonderful, amazing days we had together. But how I hate that they are all in the past tense. I have to admit to you that the world has become a darker, more frightening place now. Life is so uncertain, happiness fragile. I realise that bad things can happen so randomly, so easily, which must mean that good things are equally random too.

But I thank you for your presence and your love. You made our world so very magical. It is poorer without you in it.

I hold onto the idea that you send me signs to say that you can hear me. I don't pretend to understand how life and death work, but I hope very much that the divide is not the abyss it seems to be. I so want to see you again, and cling to the hope that this is possible in some way, shape or form.

I send you such a wave of love, sweet pea. You live in my heart forever. My beautiful red-headed daughter.

Mummy xx

OP posts:
jan2011 · 18/03/2012 10:55

beautiful... in tears here. youre in my heart this day

Cheeseandbiscuits · 18/03/2012 10:57

Sending you warm thoughts today. You and your family are in my heart more than ever over the next few days.

Tamisara · 18/03/2012 11:14

Thanks for you today, celebrating Mia's fantastic mummy xx

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 18/03/2012 11:52

MiasMummy - I read your thread the other night, I sobbed my way though it... feeling both the sadness of your posts and the incredible love you have for Mia, which is truely beautiful. I'm sorry I didn't post, I just couldn't begin to put any words together.

Thank you for sharing some of your photos - Mia really is a beautiful little girl x

The way things happened with Mia are so shocking, it is (as you said) so incredibly unlucky & unfair. It's beyond comprehension :(

Mia was taken from this world on a day that is very important (and sad) to me too, I will always remember Mia (& your DH's birthday) on this day as well.

I am so very pleased for you all that the time you did have with Mia was so lovely & happy - so filled with joy & love. I get the feeling you could not have packed any more fun or love into it, even if you had known what was to come - which is amazing, not many people have that.

Your plans for today sound good. I am in awe of you planning to commemorate the day and not be overwhelmed by it - I hope you manage to do that.

I just wanted to give you a and let you know that I'm thinking of you, everyday, but especially today - all of you

Lots of love.

VickyandAlistair · 18/03/2012 19:09

Mias, your letter to Mia has just sent me into floods of tears. So beautiful. I wish so so so much that I could bring Mia back to you. I spoke sharply to my ds today, told him to stop shrieking. He is 17mo. I am now going to go and give him a massive kiss and cuddle. Thank you for showing me what is important in this life. God bless you and as ever, God bless your little angel in the sky, how many lives she has touched x

fluffypillow · 18/03/2012 20:07

Such a beautiful letter, for a very special little girl.

You've been in my thoughts all day today Miasmummy xxx

chipmonkey · 18/03/2012 21:01

Mias, what a lovely letter to your beautiful girl.

Sariska · 18/03/2012 21:53

I'm looking at a vase of vividly bright yellow daffodils and fuzzy just-budding pussy willow that I arranged yesterday, and thinking of you and your Mia. I don't know what the weather was like where you are today but, here, it was glorious: a pale blue sky with a scattering of clouds like a picture frame, birdsong and the smell of spring in the air. And then, after dark, I went outside and, courtesy of some jazzy stars mapping device on his iPhone, my DH showed me Venus, Jupiter and, glowing faintly red even to the naked eye, Mars. Distant worlds but still within sight of ours if we look for them. In it all, I felt the presence of someone I have lost and it lifted my heart. I hope, amidst the hurt and the terrible heartache, that you were able to feel something similar, even if just for a fleeting moment or two.

GRW · 18/03/2012 22:34

Thinking of you today. How beautifully you convey the love you both shared with your precious little girl. Thank you for sharing your thoughts here, you really do help us to appreciate how wonderful she was with your words.
I hope that you will feel her presence in your lives over the coming weeks- she would be proud of her brave Mummy today x

MiaAlexandrasmummy · 18/03/2012 22:37

I have to admit, I am glad that today is nearly over. Despite my plans, despite all your wishes for peace, it was far harder than I thought it would be. I am physically and mentally exhausted.

Today was grey, cold and bleak here, but DH and I spent most of the day in the garden. In doing my first task I became overwhelmed with missing Mia. It was just unfair. We love her so much. It hurts unbearably. I stood in a flower bed, in the light rain, breaking up dirt clods with a fork, tears streaming down my face, barely able to see. All I could think about was how I wanted Mia back, and knowing that it was impossible and this would never change - and I just felt totally incapable of moving on and facing a life without my little girl... There I stood, until my wonderful DH found me there and just held me, understanding without words.

Later, I did plant Mia's wildflower seeds. The sky turned blue, the sun shone, and the birds gave me an afternoon concert as I scattered the seeds of blue, red, yellow, purple and pink flowers under the cherry blossom trees. A sense of calm enveloped me, and I felt Mia in my heart.

OP posts:
Flubba · 18/03/2012 22:52

:( of course it was going to be hard, and probably your wonderful idea of planting seeds for her took over your mind in the lead-up to today so you didn't have to think quite how hard it would be. :(

More signs from her with the sun and the birds!

ExitPursuedByABear · 18/03/2012 22:54

Sending my love to you and your DH today. Your love for Mia is a beacon of light in all our worlds.

jmf294 · 18/03/2012 23:17

So sorry that today was so hard, painful and sad for you.
So understandable though so please be gentle on yourself, many people who don't know Mia shed tears for you all today.

I came across this quote and thought of you, Mia and your wildflowers.

"They say that time in heaven is compared to 'the blink of an eye'
for us on this earth. Sometimes it helps me to think of my child
running ahead of me through a beautiful field of wildflowers and
butterflies; so happy and completely caught up in what she is
doing that when she looks behind her, I'll already be there."