My beautiful red-headed 13-month daughter died totally unexpectedly

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

I have never posted on mumsnet before, while my beautiful Mia was alive, although I read all the advice often. So I feel a bit of a fraud now - I can't be her mummy anymore.

She died nearly four weeks ago now. We had the most beautiful, touching service, with our families from all over the world with us, and we have been so touched by all the love shown to us by friends, friends of family, friends of friends, and even people who we don't even know.

But I hurt so much. The pain returns afresh each day, overwhelming me, even though I am managing to get up, get out of the house, and function on a basic level.

Mia wasn't supposed to die. She was so happy, developing well, eating well, with no sign of illness. But she was, it turns out.

I am her mummy, and she spent so much time with me. How could I not know?? How can we go on and adapt to a life without her? Obviously, people manage somehow, but I keep fighting the fact that she is really gone, and we will never see her smile again, kiss her soft curls or hold her in our arms. It is so wrong.

jmf, I love, love, love that quote!

Biggest Hugs x You got through the day. I am really glad that you and DH have each other and can be there for each other. Mia showed you that she was there with you on Sunday, not in the way you so desperately wanted her to be, but she was there x

I'm sorry Sunday was hard for you, Miasmummy

Hope today has been peaceful, have been thinking of you xx

mias i've no place here so i truly hope you don't mind, but I wanted to say, I've thought of you and beautiful Mia each day since friday. I've thought of here gorgeous smile when my DS smiles, I've thought of here when i catch a glance of red curls. The way you write about her has brought her to life for me. Your love for her shines through in each eloquent word you write. Im glad you planted Mia's flowers, I can only imagine how hard the day was for you. By thinking of you I've improved myself, more patience and more gratuity. I truly hope that the things you remember about your beautiful daughter can bring you comfort, you have inspired me and I wish you peace. Life is unfair, but the level of unfairness to take such a beautiful child from parents who clearly loved her so dearly, is not one I can reconcile.
You are truly an inspiration, take care of yourselves, and please keep writing if beautiful Mia x

What a beautiful poem, jmf. Just perfect for Mia's wildflowers. I will hold onto that image.

Yesterday was a billion times easier than Sunday. I was given a precious gift - hope. Perhaps it won't last, but how I appreciate this wonderful feeling while it lasts. I like to think it was Mia's birthday present.

Also, my BIL turned up unexpectedly, and gave us new inspiration for Mia's Wood. He was very tentative to broach the subject, in case it was too intrusive, but his ideas were wonderful. He suggested that we could link Mia's Wood to educating children about the importance of trees in our environment, by getting them outside and planting trees and flowers, and helping them estimate the oxygen they produce, and counting the wildlife they support and shelter. It could even be linked to key stage learning goals for the natural sciences for teachers, or Duke of Edinburgh schemes for teenagers. Trees are often being planted anyway, and my BIL thinks companies might be keen to have a greater purpose to their planting, and so if there could be a link to education, perhaps we could establish little Mia's Woods in many places.

Even if the plantings were not permanent, as land can change hands, it would still be making a difference, both in awareness and environment, for the short amount of time they were there. Just as Mia only lived 13 months, but i know she has already had an impact on so many lives. I like that message - small does matter. She certainly matters.

Please know that all your sensitive, thoughtful and helpful responses to my posts here have me in tears very often. I am amazed that my writing about Mia evokes so many emotions in you. If she helps you in your lives somehow, then that is wonderful, and I am so glad. All I want to do is say what I feel about my love for Mia, and being allowed to express that here helps so much.

Mias that is a brilliant idea. And think of how many childrens lives Mia would touch. What a lovely uncle your BIL is.

An excellent idea, and one that I'm sure companies and schools alike will benefit from and appreciate.

I was wondering whether you could have a few of the poems and sayings that have touched you most carved into wooden plaques/signs to be displayed around the woods too.

I haven't read all of your thread yet but what I have read has been through tears. My heart is breaking for you and your dh. Mia is blessed to have you as parents as you were blessed to have her.

As a Mummy who also lost my first child, I can identify with so much you've said. Your love for Mia pours out through your words, it is a privilege to read. I can only echo what the other bereaved Mummies have said, to take each minute, hour, day at a time. It is the most devastating, heartbreaking thing to go through and something you never get over. However, eventually, you will be able to remember Mia with a smile more times than you will with overwhelming grief and sadness. She will always, always be a part of you and your family, this will never change. She is such a gorgeous girl, I am so sorry. Hugs xx

Hi Miasmummy

I love your BILs ideas. I work in an "eco-nursery" where the Early Years Curriculum is always interpreted with being "green" in mind - the children LOVE growing things and seeing how nature works. You might find the Eco Schools website a good source of info:

www.keepbritaintidy.org/ecoschools/aboutecoschools

I too am sorry that Sunday was hard, and I'm glad that you have found your hope again. We've all been carrying it for you when you couldn't feel it xx

And sorry for the thread hijack but, Emma04, I am very sorry for your loss x

Sorry - "thread hijack" clumsy phrase - I am dopey :( x

I was so glad to hear that yesterday you had hope.
Hang on to that hope and I for one willl keep praying that hope will lead to positive happier blessings for you.

Your ideas and plans for Mia's wood sound wonderful and I would be so honoured to donate to the wood- for trees, flowers, whatever.. in memory of your beautiful Mia.

I posted early on in this thread but don't generally look in Bereavement as I don't feel I can add much. But you recently posted in my thread re the recent deaths in Belgium - funerals tomorrow and Thursday - too awful - and I remembered your loss and so I thought I would see how you were doing.....

It must be very hard - I cannot imagine how much so. I like the idea of Mia'sWood. Have you set up a charity/JustGiving page so that people can donate?

The new concepts around Mia's Wood excite me, so I am really interested in your initial feedback - eco-schools, poems and donations - as I think they will really help us strengthen the whole idea. Please feel free to add in any further thoughts if you have them.

We are nearly there in setting up the official charity, but have to wait for HMRC to approve it all before we can set up a formal donations page. I particularly like the idea of giving something back to the wider community, beyond a beautiful woodland space, as I feel it will have greater resonance for a wider group of people who didn't know Mia.

I went to a conference yesterday, and had memories of being there with DH and Mia the year before - and very conscious of the few other parents walking around with their strollers. Last year, we were so proud of ourselves trying to combine work and Mia. She was so good, happily sitting in her daddy's arms, as he walked around, desperate to bump into colleagues to show her off!! Although we did learn that public transport might work in theory with children, in reality it was a lot more challenging. It was a good learning experience, especially when Mia did the most enormous poo on the crowded train home, and there was no way I wanted to change her in the grubby toilet facilities, so the poor people in our carriage had to deal with a smelly, but chirpy 5-month-old for the duration of the trip...

I am conscious that I want to keep my memories of Mia real, and not to deify her. She was a sweet, funny little girl with the most piercing, discordant scream ever, whose face would crumple into one huge red mouth when she cried, and who would deliberately drop food on the floor when she decided she had enough.

But I would not change a single thing. She was Mia, and that made her perfect in our eyes.

Oh - I don't envy you the process. I was potentially involved as a trustee - many years ago, in the UK. Lots of hoops to jump through. In the end we gave up and affiliated with a larger charity - it was much simpler. Happy to share my experiences with you....

I should add that the idea that Mia can touch lives of others, and make a difference, has been directly influenced by the many comments you all have added here, telling me how you often think of her and how our love is helping shape your own lives. So a huge debt of gratitude for proving to me that "Little can make a difference".

I am not too worried about the work involved with a charity. The goal is worthwhile. It will be time-consuming, but I have some experience as a trustee so understand the challenges, and an accountant friend has offered to donate his time in sorting out all the bureaucracy of company registration and ongoing accounts, which will make things much easier. (but would still be interested in your own experience, portofino)

Love you baby girl. Toddler girl now, really. I wish I could have heard you say "mummy". Then again, if that could be true, I wouldn't stop there with my wishes. Best not to go down that route... just love you, Mia.

Lordy - people get upset about things that are not important....7 coffins a few miles up the road from me today. My boss is more worried about a "possible" delayed deadline - surely our kids - with us or not - are more important?

Our children and our families, and the people who love us are always the most important - but it is too easy to forget and take them for granted.

A huge sense of disbelief today, as I have been quite busy with 'normal' things over the past few days. It's just that Mia feels so very present, and she lives so strongly in my heart, that I can't quite comprehend that she is gone. She feels so real.

Portofino Unless your boss has experienced such a loss, he's probably just another DHAC, though I imagine some people are less emotional than others (or more uncomfortable with 'messy' emotions).

Miasmummy I guess those days will catch you out. I know that I've accepted Tamsin's never going to be at home, and in a way, I've stopped waking with that sense of dread. But - as you know - I suspect it's just a phase along the cycle.

You're so inspirational - taking such a tragedy, and turning it into something 'positive'; honouring precious Mia, and not allowing her short life to disappear into the abyss of time. I think you're an amazing woman, I really do xx

Tamisara - you are right. My DH doesn't get it either - why the deaths of other people's children should affect me, or upset me. Why I could cry looking at your pictures or those of the Belgian funerals this week. I don't know you so it should be nothing to me. It is not nothing. I am a mother and I empathise totally with other mothers who have lost their darling children. It is the WORST possible thing.

And I feel a fraud even posting here, when I am not bereaved.

portofino you empathise because you can imagine the pain... That ability does not belong to certain groups of people, it can sit within anyone.

Not sure I CAN imagine the pain. I think it is probably unimaginable.

I hope you are feeling the warmth of your beautiful little girl in the sunshine Mia's mummy .

I am one of the many I'm sure who read your words and are humbled by your strength and dignity.
I am sure there are countless times when you don't feel brave or strong but it is very these qualities that radiate from your words.
Your love for mia shines out,like a beacon,and that warmth and light is what touches me and so many others.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.