My beautiful red-headed 13-month daughter died totally unexpectedly

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

I have never posted on mumsnet before, while my beautiful Mia was alive, although I read all the advice often. So I feel a bit of a fraud now - I can't be her mummy anymore.

She died nearly four weeks ago now. We had the most beautiful, touching service, with our families from all over the world with us, and we have been so touched by all the love shown to us by friends, friends of family, friends of friends, and even people who we don't even know.

But I hurt so much. The pain returns afresh each day, overwhelming me, even though I am managing to get up, get out of the house, and function on a basic level.

Mia wasn't supposed to die. She was so happy, developing well, eating well, with no sign of illness. But she was, it turns out.

I am her mummy, and she spent so much time with me. How could I not know?? How can we go on and adapt to a life without her? Obviously, people manage somehow, but I keep fighting the fact that she is really gone, and we will never see her smile again, kiss her soft curls or hold her in our arms. It is so wrong.

Mias. She is still with you but God, a proper cuddle wouldn't go astray, would it?

Mia's mummy, I wasn't sure whether or not to look at your photos of Mia, in case I found them upsetting. I did, in the end, and I'm so glad I did because she is a wonderful sight to behold! She really does have the most beautiful name and she is so beautiful to match it. I love her gorgeous red hair, she is a sweetheart. I can not, and will not believe she is gone. You just need to find her, in the love that you feel for her, in the beautiful sunset, in the wonderful words you write about her...in those places, she is still very much with you.

I'm so sorry Mia's mummy, nothing I can say will make this alright for you. I wish I could do something. I feel such pain for you when I read your posts, and in a way, by sharing your hurt (in a small way, I know) I feel it's the least I can do.

I am so deeply sad that Mia had a short life, but very happy that it was a joyful one, with such loving parents.

Well that ending to the fairy tale brought tears to my eyes.
A book waiting to be written of the Princess of Smiles and her message of love, smiles and strength that she is spreading across the world.

One little acorn growing to a large oak tree.
One little fiery spirit setting the world alight with her love.

I hope Mia's Mummy you feel her love and presence around you.
Sleep peacefully tonight xx

I'm glad you all liked my little story. I hope it wasn't too trite. It just seemed right for how I was feeling yesterday.

Yes, everlong I do still want to write something. I have made a start on a children's book in rhyme about a sunny little red-head who hates pink and who has all kinds of adventures. I'd like to write something more serious too, but haven't figured in my head how it would flow, and how to make it special. (Especially as I am living through the experiences, and not sure how the book would end just yet.) Also a little intimidated by the whole world of publishing and how to approach it. Chip's beautiful ending to the Princess of Smiles has also made me think about this sort of fairytale, as long as I could avoid sentimentality. Anyway, here's a final part to the story, to add to Chip's bit.

"While all the people could see the changes that were happening in the land around them, the king and queen did not. They remained inside their home throughout the dark winter, mourning the Princess of Smiles.

Finally one day in spring, they ventured outside to plant a tree. As they stood on the hillside looking down into a peaceful valley, they heard birdsong, and saw in the gleaming blue sky a kiss-shaped cloud. Their hearts suddenly lifted. "Look, a kiss in the sky!" the king said. "I have never seen that before. Looking at that kiss makes me feel happy. Perhaps - do you think it is from our little Princess of Smiles? "

It was in that moment they believed everything that they had been told about the return of the Princess of Smiles. It was true. She was with them. She was always going to be with them. She was part of every glowing sunset, every soaring birdsong, and every whisper of the trees.

The Princess of Smiles could still weave her magic and make people smile."

Mias, please scribble out my bit if you want! I didn't mean to burst in on your story but I hated to see you in such a dark place and wanted to show you that your princess is still in your world. And in a way, if you hadn't lost her, all of us here would never have known about her. When I see you post, I always click on your profile to see that special smile. I'm glad I know her but I'm so, so sorry you had to lose her for us to know her.

chip, your addition was perfect - and its optimism was much needed. Definitely keeping your lovely words!

Carry on writing, your words echo the love, innocence and beauty and Joy of Mia. You have a real talent and I believe you are much stronger then you know; you will one day find your gold at the end of the rainbow.xxx

Hi mias - I used to work in publishing - it can be intimidating but for the genuinely talented such as yourself it needn't be. PM me any time when you're nearer to feeling ready for it - but an insiders tip would be Barefoot Books for the way your tale is going. Sending much love as ever.. I was watching our school production of Oliver today and from way back in the theatre I could only really recognise the red heads I teach - wonderful all of them, dancing to food, glorious food..! I thought of Mia and how beautiful she is.

Thank you all so much for the useful advice, and the encouragement too. astralabe, if you don't mind, I would love to follow up with you when I think I am closer to having something written up properly.

We stayed at my MIL's house over the weekend. The last time we were there, she held an afternoon tea with her friends so she could proudly show off her pretty grand-daughter to her friends. Mia was delightful, charming all with her giggles, and her games with the ball, chasing it across the floor and interacting with the guests. She clapped and waved, sang and cuddled, until she decided it was that special moment in the afternoon when she needed her mummy - of course, I was only too happy to take her back.

With all those memories, it was so sad going back again. I wish my MIL had more chances to show off Mia to her friends. She showed us a little momento of that afternoon - a little handprint on a glass door. She says she can't wipe it away. Mia's little handprint on her heart.

She has certainly left her impression on so many hearts here, and you tell us about her so eloquently I feel that I know her.
Her death has affected all your family like ripples in a pond when a stone is thrown in. I am so sorry for all the memories that are so painful.
I loved your fairy tale, and i hope you will write a book one day x

Oh the little handprint. :(

Mia's handprints are all over my heart too. All over my life, really. Such chubby little hands, clasping tightly around my neck, pointing at things, jingling her bells, grasping a favourite rice cake...

I've had a few unexpectedly tricky moments this week. One came about after I babysat the little sister of one of Mia's friends, so her mum could take her son out on his own. This 5-month-old baby girl was alert and cute and delicious, just like Mia was, but otherwise, completely different in looks and behaviour, and we had an enjoyable afternoon together. However, once I was home, I suddenly hit a brick wall, and DH returned home to find me hidden away, crying. I wanted to hold my own little girl so very badly. I guess I should have had a little more insight into my reactions, and planned accordingly - at the time, I truly didn't think anything of making the offer to babysit...

Then today I visited a nearby town, where I had once taken Mia to meet friends. I found myself looking into the cafe where we had lunch, and I could almost see us all there in the corner, laughing and talking, me with Mia on my knee as she nibbled on cheese and drank from her sippy cup. I realised that it must have been almost exactly one month before she died. And we were so innocent, we had no idea that the time was counting down, and every moment would be so valued now... a few deep breaths were needed to push down the hurt and walk on.

I know I should be glad for all the wonderful memories I do have, but how I wish I didn't need them. They are simply no comparison to Mia. Love you, sweet girl.

I'm so sorry, I'm sitting here in tears, of not only sadness but of the love you have for her. It's still so recent, so I am sure there are going to be lots of moments like these - please do keep sharing them, we are here to listen.

I read your descriptions, and see the beautiful pictures of Mia, and honestly I feel I miss her too! Silly I know, and hope you don't mind me saying so, but she does seem so alive in your words.

I'm so sorry that you've had these two painful encounters, and your poor DH to see you upset, I feel for you both so much. But nothing else could be expected of you, your grieving is the only natural thing you can do right now.

Mias, I sometimes think that had I known Sylvie-Rose would die, I would have done more, savoured every moment more, spent more time holding her, would have bathed her rather than watch the nurse do it. But then, if I had known, the happy times would have been tinged with despair so I'm so glad now that I had no idea, even though her death was the worst shock I ever had and please God, the worst I will ever have. At least in the happy memories, I was happy.

Gosh you are brave and kind for babysitting for a friend. What a wonderful, wonderful person you are for doing that for your friend.

But, you must be kind to yourself, and if something feels too much for you to handle, then you must say so. Nobody will think anything of you for not wanting to do something so emotionally charged.

There's no ' should be happy with the wonderful memories', because that isn't enough and shouldn't have to be enough. This terrible thing shouldn't have happened, and even though you had many, many love-filled and fun-filled moments with Mia, and you have to cling on to those memories and little souvenirs, it still isn't fair and it still isn't right.

But, like chipmonkey says, had either of you known the awful, awful events that would happen to you, the times would have been tinged with sadness and dispair, whereas they were filled with happiness and joy, because you had no reason to know there was a 'countdown'.

I'm tired. I had a pleasant day, but so conscious it was filled with activities I couldn't have done if Mia were here. So fun - but an underlying pain.

Mia made parenthood such a wonderful experience. I so hope we are able to have another opportunity to be parents. Yet at the same time, I do wonder how another child can compare to her. I know that people worry about second children, but I wonder if I can bear to give even a morsel of my heart away if it isn't to my sweet girl. In theory, of course it's possible, it must be, but it is hard to fathom at this juncture.

The best part of going out in the evening was always, always coming back home. Even the most lovely food, and the company and conversation of our best friends could not compare to the feelings of wonderment, love and contentment as we crept upstairs and hugged as we saw Mia fast asleep, dreaming peacefully. "isn't she amazing? We are so lucky", we would say to each other.

She will always be amazing. We don't feel lucky at all anymore.

Mias, of course you won't have a child exactly like Mia again. But I promise you that if you do have another child, you will love him/her as much but in a different way. I feel that with my children, there are no four boys as alike as each other and no four boys as different from each other. Sylvie-Rose didn't get much of a chance to show us what she was like but in one photo she is incredibly like ds3 and in another like ds4. And she was very like ds3 in her feistiness. But you did make an incredibly beautiful baby and I'm sure you can make another!

Mia darling, my heart lifts each time I see a photo of you. It plummets when I realise that there won't be any new ones.

Miss you, love you, forever and always. Come and inhabit my dreams, and tell me that you are with me, even just for a little while. It's so hard without you.

I dreamt of you and Mia last night. She'd popped back to hug you and you came round to tell us all.

Ah, that's where she was then...

miasmummy I'm so glad that blubba dreamt of Mia last night. She's a clever and gregarious child isn't she.

I was thinking of you today xx

Hi miasmummy. I hope you don't mind me saying this but your recent posts have a different tone to them, like the reserves that have been keeping you going aren't doing so well...are there any small thimgs you can do to bolster your core of strength (which we have all marvelled at)? I'm thinking of things like meditation, running, a counsellor or group as a new outlet for you... or even just a weekend away with dh by the sea. I know your holiday at christmas gave you time to "just be" together and did you good. Anything really to give you a little "charge up".

Lucky flubba to meet Mia in her dreams. Mia keeps twinkling at me in our lovely sunsets. Love light and giant hugs to you and yours as ever xxx

Ps - I am a nursery teacher and I thought barefoot books for your book too. My kids could happily be guinea pigs for your drafts if that helps. Good luck. Xxx

Sorry, I hope that didn't make you sad.