My beautiful red-headed 13-month daughter died totally unexpectedly

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

I have never posted on mumsnet before, while my beautiful Mia was alive, although I read all the advice often. So I feel a bit of a fraud now - I can't be her mummy anymore.

She died nearly four weeks ago now. We had the most beautiful, touching service, with our families from all over the world with us, and we have been so touched by all the love shown to us by friends, friends of family, friends of friends, and even people who we don't even know.

But I hurt so much. The pain returns afresh each day, overwhelming me, even though I am managing to get up, get out of the house, and function on a basic level.

Mia wasn't supposed to die. She was so happy, developing well, eating well, with no sign of illness. But she was, it turns out.

I am her mummy, and she spent so much time with me. How could I not know?? How can we go on and adapt to a life without her? Obviously, people manage somehow, but I keep fighting the fact that she is really gone, and we will never see her smile again, kiss her soft curls or hold her in our arms. It is so wrong.

vassia I hope that in some way, reading this is helping you deal with the tragic death of your friend's son. I can only say that grief is not as neat and tidy as it is written up to be. It certainly isn't linear. It comes in waves - some are stronger than others ; and some sneak up on you; some allow you to gently float on top of them.

The hardest thing is that no-one can really help us, or your friends, in the only way we want - to have our beautiful children back in our lives. Yet, paradoxically, love and support and kindness does help, and it is incredibly touching. Your friend will always remember that you are there for her.

A sense of disbelief has hit me again over the past few days, probably compounded by seeing several of Mia's little friends. Surely this pain can stop soon?

I am struggling with a concept in a book about bereaved parents, which says that at first, we merely exist, but then we have to make a conscious, active choice to choose to live, if we are to heal. I know that I made this commitment to myself at new year, and I do want my life to have meaning - but right now, there feels as if there is a very large gap between existing and living, and I am unable to leap this chasm. I might leave Mia behind!

Yes, we do enjoy things on a superficial level, and we function as relatively normal members of society (I think), but at the same time, they are merely distractions to provide some relief from the pain of not having Mia here, watching her grow and learn and just be her spectacular little self.

We have plans, but no hope. Perhaps I should become more used to this thought and then I can make the choice that I know I must.

What you say makes sense. I can also understand that fear of starting to live again- almost as though it might somehow mean you are distancing yourself from Mia.

I have no answers, none of us do, but I do have a strong belief that starting to heal does not mean forgetting, or leaving behind, or being in any way 'disloyal' to the ones we love. I think you need to hold onto the belief that Mia is part of you as you heal. Almost as though you are living your life for her, and with her, not just yourself. Just as when she was living, your life was wrapped up with hers and hers with yours. I think that carries on in everything you do.

Mia's mummy- if you are struggling with the concept then maybe its not the right explanation for you and thinking of having to make a leap is a scary one.

You have certainly chosen to live and from what I read here are doing so in a very brave way. But moving from existing to living is maybe more of a gentle uphill walk then a leap. Reframing it may help to see that is more of a continual process rather then a leap across a void, which is frightening as the thought of not reaching the other side and falling down the gap is very frightening and the gentle walk can be done with Mia by your side rather than you leaping across by yourself.

Mia is with you in all you do, think, say - you can't leave her behind because she is there.
I would argue that you do have hope- as you face each day ahead and your thoughts for the future and what it brings are full of hope.

Imagine a conversation with Mia with her being an adult and able to discuss you feelings right now. Apart from her being so very proud of her mum but she would be saying 'keep going Mummy, I'm with you, you can live, you can hope, you can enjoy. In no way does it negate the love you have for me, in no way does it mean you love me less, or miss me less but for the love of me Mummy keep going, keep climbing, keep healing'.

I keep you all in my thoughts and prayers as always.

It is not uncommon for part of you to want to hold onto the pain of all encompassing grief, because it feels like a connection to your loved one.
I feel that at the stage you are at now it's normal to feel you are merely existing and only feeling enjoyment on a superficial level.
Have you ever seen the tasks of mourning as described by William Worden in a book called Grief Counselling and Grief Therapy?
I to accept the reality of the loss
2 to experience the pain of grief
3 to adjust to a world without your loved one
4 to emotionally relocate your loved one and move on with life.

At the stage you are at now you are coping with the first three, and choosing to heal and bridging the gap between existing and living will come much later. Thinking of you x

What amazing advice, GRW, callmemrs and jmf, thank you all. Your perspectives are incredibly helpful, and I have been thinking about them for the past day. You make me feel a lot more comfortable with the existing / living dilemma. Perhaps it doesn't have to be so hard after all.

I like the idea very much that Mia is walking beside me as I move forward up the hill - as a toddler now, holding my hand tightly, both of us unsure of the path; then later on, perhaps she is skipping by my side, still beside me ; as we both get older, Mia and I can walk together, enjoying each other's company ; and at last, perhaps she will walk ahead, knowing I will catch her up soon and we can be together once more.

I sat by Mia's tree earlier this evening. I talked to her, and told her how much we miss her, listened to the noise of the birds and the hill, and looked at the life passing by. I called DH on the phone, so he could also participate in my little vigil for our sun-haired child. No kiss in the sky this time, but at the moment when we spoke, everything suddenly became silent - and I imagined Mia wanting to hear both our voices just to hear how much we love her. Special.

GRW thanks for the book recommendation. The one I am reading is called The Bereaved Parent - it was sent to me by a wonderful friend, and as it is now out of print, she scoured EBay and Amazon to find it for me, based on a recommendation from another friend who had also been bereaved.

Life and death are such a mystery. I feel as though we could spend our entire lives looking for answers and we won't ever find them. The only meaning I can find is love. I think we are put on this earth to give love and receive love. You and Mia and her daddy are loved and give love in abundance. It brings tears to my eyes when I think how your arms must ache to just cuddle her again. But I truly honestly believe the love you feel for her is stronger and bigger than that. That hasnt disappeared and it never will. I think of Mia so often, she isn't forgotten, she never will be forgotten. She has achieved amazing things in her little life.

Yes, my arms, my heart, my head all ache with love for Mia. Constantly.

And how I resent this unwilling return to a life of coupledom - the sleep-ins, the ability not to worry about babysitters, the evenings out. I don't need them. I don't want them. How I would swap them for mornings being woken by happy squeaks, and rainbow-coloured evening meals all over the floor... And to feel Mia in my arms again.

I have all this love for Mia, without direction. I agree that life is a mystery, especially when I had a little perfect life of love taken away. I will never understand.

I am so sorry just take a day at a time that's all you can do.

Now I'm in tears. What a loss you have suffered I don't know how anyone could bear.

I have no experience of this so can't offer advice - but my heart goes out to you.
I hope your heart can find some solace some day.

I'm sorry it's so unbearably hard. You convey the physical and emotional pain of your loss so vividly. I agree with callmemrs that the love you have for Mia will never change, and she will always be a part of you whatever direction life takes you.

I'm not as eloquent as other posters here, but my thoughts and wishes are the same.

There is no logic, no rhyme nor reason why you and your husband find yourselves in this seemingly responsibility-free life. The only thing you must believe is that you must continue to be there for each other, to talk about all the wonderful times you had with Mia while she was here on Earth, and yes, also about all the times you're missing out on without her physically being here with you. The three of you shared such amazing love, and every single moment your little baby girl knew she was loved by you.

My heart goes out to you still.

You will never forget your gorgeous girl, she is part of you for ever. One day the pain will not be so sharp, I believe that you will find peace and joy . Love and light to you and your family xxx

You are right when you say that I will never forget Mia. These words sum up how she remains so very present -

Those who are near me do not know that you are nearer to me
than they are. Those that speak to me do not know that my heart is full with your unspoken words. They who crowd in my path do not know that
I am walking alone with you. They who love me do not know that know
that their love brings you to my heart.
Tagore

Every day, every second, darling girl.

flubba a big public thank you for doing a second formatting of this thread for me. So grateful for your kindness in capturing my love, and helping keep Mia in my heart.

"Life sometimes gives us brief moments with another... And those moments give us memories which last a lifetime".

Mia, you gave us 400 days of love, and these feelings will never disappear. But the wounds of loss cut so deep. I love you, darling.

Once again, Miasmummy, the way you write and convey the weight and depth of your feelings for Mia is spellbinding. I cannot help but think of you and Mia daily, even if I don't always get to express those thoughts here. I'm so sorry you and your DH are finding enforced coupledom hard - I ust can't imagine what that must be like. I hope and pray that one day you are able to be parents again and that another child is able to experience the profound love that the two of you have to offer.

With all good thoughts and love,
Dubai xx

You write so eloquently and the love you have for Mia shines through in each word and thought you express. I also think about you and Mia often, you will find peace and happiness and Mia will always be with you x

Once upon a time, in a far off, magical land, on a sunny autumn day, a lady fell into a deep sleep. When she awoke, her husband rushed up to her, and said, "We have a baby girl!" They had longed for a child, and they had been rewarded.

In wonderment, the lady and her husband looked at the baby's beautiful little face, her long-lashed big eyes and the dusting of red fuzz on her head, and immediately fell in love with her. They decided to call her Mia Alexandra, the most beautiful name they could think of. Their family crowded around, exclaiming in pleasure at Mia's beauty. Horns and trumpets proclaimed Mia's birth far and wide. There was much celebration throughout the land, and presents poured in to honour the little girl.

Mia became known as the Princess of Smiles, because although she was only small, she made all who looked upon her feel so very happy. No-one could feel upset or angry in her presence, and when she laughed, the pretty noise would cause everyone in the room to laugh as well. And if someone was sad, she would go up to them and touch them with a soft hand, and her little gentle pats would dissolve their sadness. Mia's parents had never experienced such heartfelt joy as they did with their daughter.

Mia and her parents travelled to many lands, having adventures, meeting people and teaching her about the different cultures. Everyone always remarked on her soft red curls, and her wide smile as she waved from her little carriage. "What a lovely little girl", they would say. The lady and her husband smiled. They were so proud of their sweet little girl.

On Mia's birthday, family and friends brought her presents. There was wonderful food, including a wonderful birthday cake, and special games for all the children to enjoy. Everyone was happy.

Then one day soon after, something terrible happened. Mia disappeared. No-one could find her anywhere. Her parents were distraught with grief. "Please help us find the Princess of Smiles" they asked. All the people of the land who loved her looked and looked, but no-one could find Mia anywhere. The lady and her husband wept for days and weeks and months.

A blackness fell upon the country, and nothing was ever the same again. There were no more smiles. Their Princess of Smiles had gone.

Aren't fairytales supposed to have happy endings??

They should Miasmummy, of course they should, especially "The Princess of Smiles". How apt a name for beautiful Mia. Your life will have more magical stories and happy days in it in the future, it will xx

x

What a beautifully written story and the ending just so heartbreaking and to know it is true and Mia is your princess even more so.

The end of the story shouldn't have been that way.
Beautiful happy princesses aren't supposed to disappear and the happy tale dissolve into a nightmare.

Life is a journey that we have to take and we can't predict, forsee or guarantee the turns we will have to take or the endings or decisions that are thrust upon us.
Beautiful princess Mia has had to take a different journey now, a different path and one that noone least of you would have chosen or wanted. But it is happened for a reason that is impossible to understand or accept.

Your life now is travelling along a path that you have not chosen and seems so dark and empty without her with you.
But remeber you are travelling along your path- your uphill climb with her by your side, and although you can't reach out and touch her, she is with you, as she is part of you and so deeply loved by you.
Where else would she want to be- than right beside you, in another dimension maybe but I believe she walks beside you as you bravely carry on.

But I truely believe there will be happier times ahead of you, life has many blessings and I pray you will be blessed with happier times and joy and love. The pain will become less raw, less intense and the love remain sustaining you.

It is so important to keep talking about Mia, to keep expressing your feelings and to share them. So many people are here listening and wish they could do so much more to help you.
Thoughts and prayers is all I can offer- I hope you can gain comfort from knowing that we are here wanting to support you.

Thank you for sharing your story- Mia is blessed with such a wonderful Mummy. xx

Never ever stop writing about your angel, she will always be with you. Through your beautiful words a great number of people [ who have never met you] have got to know about your gorgeous girl. I know you will find great happiness and contentment , you will and can find this, you dont need to feel guilty as your red haired angel will be by your side for ever. xxxx

Miasmummy- you are right that nothing can ever be the same again. But there can be brightness in your future, maybe just a faint flicker intermittently at the moment. But those flickers will grow stronger and last longer. So many of us are thinking of you and your husband and of Mia, every day. And I think we all know that it could be any of us walking in your shoes. There is nothing you have done, or not done , to deserve this. It is a terrible tragedy which has no reason or logic and it could have befallen any one of us.

I pray that you start to have days where peace and contentment can outshine the despair and blackness you feel. The light WILL grow stronger. I know that for the rest of your life, Mia will be in your head first thing in the morning and last thing at night, and that's a good thing, not something to be scared of. She was loved, she is loved, she will always be loved.

ssooo sorry to hear

"But then one day, the sun came up slowly over the horizon. And the king and queen saw the flame-red of the sunrise and in it they saw the bright hair of their princess. The little streams babbled and sang and in them they heard the chatter and laughter of the princess. And in the warm heat of the newly-risen sun they felt the love of the princess.

And then they realised that the princess hadn't disappeared but had become the sun and the rain and the love that fed the land"

chip that is a beautiful end to the fairytale. But if you happen to find my Princess of Smiles, do let me know.