My beautiful red-headed 13-month daughter died totally unexpectedly

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

I have never posted on mumsnet before, while my beautiful Mia was alive, although I read all the advice often. So I feel a bit of a fraud now - I can't be her mummy anymore.

She died nearly four weeks ago now. We had the most beautiful, touching service, with our families from all over the world with us, and we have been so touched by all the love shown to us by friends, friends of family, friends of friends, and even people who we don't even know.

But I hurt so much. The pain returns afresh each day, overwhelming me, even though I am managing to get up, get out of the house, and function on a basic level.

Mia wasn't supposed to die. She was so happy, developing well, eating well, with no sign of illness. But she was, it turns out.

I am her mummy, and she spent so much time with me. How could I not know?? How can we go on and adapt to a life without her? Obviously, people manage somehow, but I keep fighting the fact that she is really gone, and we will never see her smile again, kiss her soft curls or hold her in our arms. It is so wrong.

You have no choice either, and like your friend's sister the circumstances you find yourself in is showing you that you have courage you did not know you had.
Your love for Mia is not diminished by her death. Wishing you and your DH strength on Valentines day.

DH always says that Mia and I were a little "unit of love" together. She would be on my hip or in my arms, and he said we each looked so blissfully happy like that, and he would almost burst with love looking at us. It's true - we just adored being together, having our little daily adventures and excitements. I treasure those days. Mia.

I have been reading this thread but haven't felt able to post. There are no words. But somehow you are finding words and teaching us so much.

It is terrible. The worst thing.

But you are Mia's mummy. You always will be.

Oh. DH just admitted he is struggling today. He recalled all the mornings when Mia and I would be playing together in bed, and she would wave at him as he went out, and he would wave back, grinning at this acknowledgement of her love for him. Mornings with Mia were the happiest part of our days, each representing a new opportunity to love her, watch her learn and be amazed. No wonder he is sad today.

Miasmummy, please tell your DH that we all think of him, say prayers for him and admire his strength and huge capacity for love (as you). Xx

I can't tell you all how your messages and comments help. Every single one. Even if I don't always comment back, I avidly read them. Your sensitive responses often make me cry. My DH has some of that in RL, but not to the extent that I do, as most people seem to think he is ok. Sometimes he is. Sometimes he isn't, and the brave front comes down... A few people understand. I tell him that he is my rock, and how much I love him, every day. And yes, I will tell him that there are others here who see his pain too.

We watched that coroner documentary, Death Unexplained, last night. Thank you all for the recommendation. It was a little tricky, especially when we saw inside the mortuary, but you were right, the respect and dignity shown by the coroner and her team was reassuring. I know we have a coroner with an excellent reputation for Mia's inquest, and his team have been very understanding with us, so the show it helped us to see how truth is sought as part of the system.

What struck me was how the families all wanted the deaths of their loved ones to "count" and to help avoid similar situations. It is exactly what we are trying to do. I hope we can. A lot of our future peace of mind is invested in this. Mia mattered. She mattered so much. To us, and to everyone who knew her - but if this can somehow be acknowledged in other ways, we intend to make it happen.

Thats so important that you tell your husband every day how much you love him. Many couples who face what you are having to face, are not able to bear each others pain and pull apart not together. I hope this doesn't sound presumptious but i believe it's a testament to your daughter that you are holding together and looking after eachother.

I have been reading this thread for a while and everytime it makes my heart bleed for you. Your little Mia is so utterly gorgeous! I wish more than anything that I could bring her back for you.
You and your DH are so strong and I send you all the love and strength in the workspace. Mia would be so proud of you, I'm sure. And you will see her again. Beautiful Mia xxx

I'm glad I found your thread again today, although I wish the need for it wasn't there, as always.

My Dd2 (14) was asking after you the other day and I hadn't seen your thread for a while, she was so sweet.

"Hows Miasmummy doing & her Daddy? Have they planted Mia's wood yet?"

She thinks it's lovely the way you post here and is glad it helps, she thinks that you are very brave both of you, as do I.

She gets extra hugs, as does her sister when I've been reading this thread.

I'm glad I can update her on your progress, how wonderful that you have been put in touch with someone who was planning a similar project albeit for differing reasons.

Hugs to you both.

Dear Mia's Mummy,

I too have been following this thread for some time and I have been meaning for ages to post here to let you know that I am thinking and praying for all of you.

Let me start by saying how deeply sorry I am about your loss of Mia. Your stories about her, her pictures, your words- are just truely enchanting, she is totally gorgeous and beautiful. But that much you know already and I want to thank you for sharing her with us.

It is so deeply unfair that someone so loved and wanted like Mia could be so cruely and suddenly snatched away leaving you so empty and so desolte.
I beleive in fact I know that you will be with her again.
My understanding of heaven is that is is a very peaceful happy place where we will be with all the people we loved whilst we were on earth.
I think the concept of time there does not exist in the same way as it does here as we will be there for infinity. The longest life on earth is but a mere flash when you think of how long the universe has been around.
To me that means that we are already there in heaven or certainly on our way. So in Mia's heaven she is with you, your husband and everyone she loved.

Please look after youself and your dear husband. Be kind and gentle and just being able to keep you chin above the waves of grief and sadness that hit you with such force takes such strength.

I hope the inquest goes smoothly and the coroner and hospital are helpful in providing all the information so your questions are answered.

Mia's wood is such a wonderful idea-a beautiful peaceful tribute to her. If when you identify the land and you need to raise funds pleasee come here as I would be honoured to contribute in her memory.

Mia's story has affected me deeply and has made me take stock of myself and made me realise that life is so brief, so precious as has made ne relaly try to be a better person. What a legacy of love Mia has given- thank you Mia xxx

That's a lovely post jmf.

I was thinking about you earlier, mia's mummy, and how strange it must feel that Mia is now 'known' to so many of us who would not otherwise have known she existed. I mean, not 'known' as in how you and her daddy know her, because your understanding and love of every little detail of her life shine through. But it's like catching little glimpses of her.

I hope today is as good as it can be for you and your husband.
I too believe that somehow we will all be with those weve loved and lost one day. I don't know how, because the concept of heaven is another dimension, where time and space don't follow our knowledge of them. But I do believe we will be with those people again. All that love is so powerful, it doesn't disappear.

I lit the log burner last night, and seeing the flames made me think of Mia- that amazing fiery hair! Bright fiery flowers remind me too.

Oh, ladies. Such beautiful, amazing, comforting words from you today. Wow.

All that love is so powerful, it doesn't disappear
the concept of time there does not exist in the same way as it does here as we will be there for infinity. The longest life on earth is but a mere flash when you think of how long the universe has been around.

I just love those concepts.

You care for someone you don't know. That sort of kindness and concern is very powerful - and touching.

This morning we opened our presents to each other, and memories of Mia's birthday flooded back. Mia sitting on the bed with me while DH filmed, pulling at ribbons, ripping open cards, and pointing with her magical finger to the next present to be opened... today, it wasn't quite the same.

We have been sitting here tonight, eating a nice Valentine's Day meal I have cooked, but I cannot drink champagne. Previously, it was my absolute favourite drink (to my DH's despair!) and now I cannot. It feels so wrong. It is a drink of celebration, and I cannot celebrate anything - except Mia. But she is not here. We have a photo of Mia on the table with us, and have been sitting here, talking about her funny little ways, her enormous smile and her enquiring little mind. So much that the world will miss.

All that love is so powerful, it doesn't disappear.

I so want to believe that is true. I hope that Mia can still feel our love. Hers for us is only too tangible.

I believe she does feel it. From what you describe, she felt only love and happiness all her little life.

It has been a little while since I posted. I am aware of how much the families of Mia's mummy and daddy have locked together behind them, but was not prepared for the concern shown by so many posting here, and for this I am profoundly grateful.
The inquest looms large in all our lives, but while the findings will not ease the grief perhaps it will allow steps to be taken down a new and braver path. Not that Mia's mummy and daddy are not showing enormous courage, they are. Please pray for them in any way you know how

Dear Mia's Grandad, mum and dad, and family

most of us just can't imagine the pain you must all feel - but MiasMummy writes with such dignity and courage...

will be thinking of you all as the inquest approaches.

We have had some amazing sunsets recently in Japan where I live - I look out of the window and often think of Mia with her red hair

Dear Mia's Mummy

I just wanted to say thank you for being brave enough to share your story and to keep on sharing it. You and Mia have taught me to be a better mummy and although I hate that you are hurting so much, I am so grateful that you are dealing with your loss in a way that produces something positive for other people. I feel very privileged that you are sharing Mia with us.

Mia is utterly, utterly gorgeous and exactly as I imagined her from your description. Everyone tells people that their babies are beautiful but Mia truly is. I'm so sorry that you are going through this awful heartbreak. I also believe that heaven is outside of time and so where Mia is she will be with her lovely, loving Mummy and Daddy, even if you are having to endure the separation. I don't understand how, but that must mean that when you do see her again it will be as if you were never apart from her. I don't mean that to belittle what you are going through now, just that you don't need to think of her carrying on somewhere without you because somehow you are there already.

I wish I could put it more elegantly - others already have, but I wanted to add my thoughts and wishes to your inspirational thread.

I am devastated for you, she is absolutely gorgeous. It is so wrong, she looks so healthy. I like you had a recent bereavement, my brother passed away and we were close. But I can't imagine how robbed you feel.

Take care, you and your DP, we'll be thinking about you.xxxx

Mia'sMummy and Mia'sGrandad if only our words, thoughts and prayers could do more for you and your families. If only our words, thoughts and prayers hadn't been needed in the first place. But we can't live by 'if onlys' and, as a previous poster has said, there is positive coming from this terrible, but it is in a way which may not touch you and your families directly (and for that I'm truly sorry).

The way you, Mia'sMummy, and your DH are clinging to each other and supporting each other is wonderful and not always the way it goes. And your families around you are sharing in your pain, grief and celebration of Mia's life - and although it was incredibly short, it is important to celebrate her life as you do so poetically in these posts.

If you would like me to update your Memories of Mia that I did a couple of months ago, just let me know and I'd be honoured to do so.

sending you a big hug, i am so sorry for the loss of your gorgeous girl xxx

I love that concept Sophie'sworld, that we are already with the people we have lost. If heaven, or the afterlife, or whatever we name it, is a different dimension then yes, those we love aren't separated from us, we are there with them. The physical separation that we feel is what hurts like hell. But I do believe something lives on.

sophiesworld I agree with callemers, that is a beautiful way to view life. All your thoughts do comfort me, as the 'foreverness of not being' can be overwhelming.

It does make it easier to think that Mia is close, but unseen, and that we are still together in some way. I too believe that the force of love cannot be destroyed, and it is too powerful to disappear. It hurts too much for that.

I also can't think of the 'if onlys'. They are very dangerous and threatening to the fragile equilibrium in my mind. Instead, I have to try to think of the wonder and joy that Mia gave to us. It does make me smile to think of Mia's legacy of love spreading to other families. Such a high cost though.

We have just heard that Mia's inquest is to be adjourned. We made the difficult decision to request an adjournment, simply because we were concerned that the information available was incomplete. However, the adjournment does bring new fears too - and longer to wait for the truth.

Just to let you know that I'm thinking of you & your family. Your words truly do bring Mia to life - you really have a way with words... I can picture Mia opening her presents, see her little shining face, from your words.

Chip today showed me something which restored my faith that life transcends death, and hope can shine a bright light into the dark shadows of death's veil - and I know that Mia has made her continuing presence felt, even though right now it feels like the blackest night has no dawn to come.

Watching Show Me, Show Me today I was entranced by a story involving Momo the robot doll. I don't usually get drawn in by the show... but Momo's song is one about the rainbow (which I've never really thought of as a sign). Anyway, Momo was trying to find her favourite colour, and she stumbled outside looking at flowers, and came across - a bluebell... I immediately thought of Mia... it just seemed so perfect, the rainbow robot finding bluebells... I wanted to tell you this, but thought it sounded so silly, until now. I know I should share this with you x

Karma - thank you. Bluebells and rainbows... Mia and Tamsin. There have been some beautiful words here recently which also give me hope. Have a read down - I have found the thoughts of these lovely ladies immensely helpful.

We have been talking how we would play 'chase' with Mia. It was so exciting for her. "I'm going to get you" I would say, and the game would start. She would be in DH's arms in the bedroom, and they would charge around madly, bouncing her up and down, as I stalked them. Mia would giggle and squeal with such delight, especially at the moment when I caught them both, enveloping them in a big hug. Then it would be my turn to run away, and the game would begin again, "Let's get mummy" - Mia waving her arms, laughing, reaching towards me, trying to catch me until I capitulated. Just a little circle of love, all happy in such innocent fun. Those are the special moments I miss. We both do.